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| one day last summer, I was thinking about Jay. I looked out of the cottage door, and could see a "J" in the trees. Alvin went and looked to see what it was and found that this branch had made a perfect "J". Just another kiss from God to remind me that He knows all about us, our journey, our little Jay. Was one of those "kisses" from God that I love getting. |
Today is our little Jay Benjamin's birth day. 4 years ago today, just after 12 noon, Jay was born into this world. He was born silently. And our world came crashing down. Our hearts shattered into a million pieces. Our lives changed forever.
Sometimes the 4 years seems like 4 years since we held him. But mostly it seems like yesterday, and when I think about it, I can vividly see/hear/and feel the grief that literally seized us. At the time it felt like we just had to get past this hour, this night, this day. I remember the way my eyes felt from crying so much. I remember feeling like something had ripped my heart out of my chest. I remember walking that dusty gravel road and weeping.
One look at his pictures (again, thank you so much Jeremy) and you can see that he was fearfully and wonderfully made - and absolutely perfect. As Josh and Leah have had their next two sons, I can not help but wonder how much they would look alike. They are all such beautiful children. I think, as I look at Ev and Rogie - that they would all have looked very very much like brothers. Imagine - three boys in one family.
Today a few people connected with us - some via email, some via facebook, some via phonecall. Somehow, it is so meaningful to us, to know that other people remember our Jay too, even if they never met him. It is so meaningful to us, to know that other people still grieve our loss with us. It is so meaningful to know that people love us enough to get into our space again, and to ask the question, knowing that we may have a hard answer ... "how are you doing today". Thank you for sharing our journey - our loss with us. We are carried by you still.
I know that my grandson - I will see him again. I know that Jay is having the time of his life in Heaven. But man alive, I wish he was here with us. I know that God is sovereign, and that He has a plan for each of us, and He had the plan for my grandson. I don't understand it, and well, likely never will - until I get to Heaven - but I believe that God is in control. He alone is Sovereign.
So until I get to Heaven - I will continue to miss my firstborn Grandson. I will continue to look at his pictures and let the tears roll. I will continue to correct people and say, "I have THREE grandsons, one in heaven and two here with us."
Jay Benjamin Klassen - absolutely beautiful - absolutely perfect - absolutely loved!
I miss you so so so terribly much.
I love you little one!
-Granny
thanks again to Jer for taking such beautiful pictures of our Sweet Jay, if you want to see them again, just click on the underlined sentence, I love to share these beautiful pictures with you. He was so very beautiful!