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| LORD I BELIEVE ~ HELP MY UNBELIEF |
1976 - I stand in Elmwood cemetery
The machine is idling a few plots away
Waiting for the mourners to leave,
So he can put the soil back into the hole
Onto a casket with contains her lifeless body
She’s with you Jesus
But my16 year old self already misses her and
My tears express my heart
My Granny
Body wracked with pain
Lungs full of fluid
Cancer may have taken her physical life
But she lives with you
So loved
Prayed for and her healing received in Heaven
LORD I BELIEVE ~ HELP MY UNBELIEF
1996 - I watch up close
As sickness invades her physical body
Yet her life exudes the fragrance of Jesus all around her
They know as they care for her
That she is different
Her physical body is weary
From ravages of diabetes
But God knows her
Even more than I know this one I call "MUM"
Our prayers are heard
But her healing comes shortly after 1pm
When she quietly breathes in and out
and then is no more with us
Healing received
Fully whole
Fully alive with the LORD whom she loved and served
LORD I BELIEVE ~ HELP MY UNBELIEF
1997 - Just a mere year and a half later
We gather in the family room at the hospital
Knowing that the CODE RED was for the one we call DAD
The one who gave his life to Christ in his 30’s
And served him with his whole life, and zeal, up to his final heart beat
The cries of our hearts were prayers offered on his behalf
But it was his time to meet his LORD
And as my tears fell again days later
and as we shovelled the dirt onto the casket
Buried deep in the sandy soil beside my Mum
I knew in my heart and said “This is right.”
LORD I BELIEVE ~ HELP MY UNBELIEF
2006 I lay in a hospital bed at HSC
Burning with fever that was running out of control well into its fifth day
Morphine dealing with pain
Tears rolled down my cheeks
As the pain felt unbearable
My body shakes and I call for help
A friend who pops by calls to tell her husband to pray.
Another friend gets warm flannel sheets to stop me from shaking
A block away, myy sister is stirred by God, and told to go to my hospital room
Blue lips, blue fingers
Flurry of activity
Prayer activated
Emergency surgery scheduled against the doctors own instincts
Sleep comes and what feels like a war in the heavenliness occurs
And I wake up in the early hours of the morning
Drenched in my own sweat
and my fever broke
Doctor relieved to not do emergency surgery but to plan it for when my body is stronger
And I KNOW the prayers of those surrounding me
Have reached the ears of the Healer - Jehovah Rapha
LORD I BELIEVE ~ HELP MY UNBELIEF
He is a strong man
Strong of faith, character and physical strength
He drives over for one last short visit around our campfire,
his presence a gift in itself for my birthday
He drove the distance - What would have taken him a few minutes to walk
But his strength is failing him
Cancer had been an uninvited invader in his body
2001, 2003, and now 2006.
We prayed for healing one terrible cancer at a time
And he received it
Till now.
Praying with him, over him, for him.
On his behalf
asking for physical healings.
And in the late hours of Canada day
As the firewords celebrated Canada Day -
They also symbolized Dad K’s home going.
I prayed as I watched his heart wrenching breaths
We asked God to take him quickly and he did
Pain left behind
Weary body made strong again in the presence of Jesus
LORD I BELIEVE ~ HELP MY UNBELIEF
July 24, 2008 ~ the day we had all been waiting for
Gathered with the other soon to be grandparents
in the little glassed area at the hospital.
Excitement was in the air as we sat waiting for the joyful news
And then we were thrust into the awful reality that our Jay was born silently.
We prayed fervently
Together in one accord
Boldly storming the throne room
Believing that our bringing our Jay to life WOULD be the will of the LORD.
Prayers
Petition
Tears
But Jay was already with Jesus
We tenderly held him
Our hearts shattered in a million pieces
Tears rolling down our cheeks
Like a baptism of sorts onto our little firstborn grandson
And our faith remained strong
Until days and weeks later when questions came
And doubts arose
LORD I BELIEVE ~ HELP MY UNBELIEF
Do I believe?
Is He even faithful?
Why should we pray God, if you do what you want anyway?
LORD where were you?
Why?
LORD you are taking a chance on my kids.
I can’t even pray.
But with great lament that rises from the deepest depths of my being
I barely have the strength to say
YET I WILL PRAISE YOU .
LORD, yes - I do believe
But O LORD - help my unbelief.
Two years later, 2010, her body is betraying her
Giving in to the cancer that has been kept seemingly under control for 7 years
A type of healing - remission is
But now it was like a runaway train
Her wish spoken aloud “Joy I want to go home and then I want to go “home” to be with Jesus."
One last transfusion and a weak ride home
First wish granted
And her second wish fulfilled less than 2 weeks later
Time with her - the last 10 weeks of her life was rich
Good conversations about faith, family and dying
A resignation that cancer would take her life
But Jesus was the victor in it all
Her faith encouraged mine
Watching her body being taken from her condo felt hard - final. DONE.
And yet I knew her healing had been experienced.
LORD I BELIEVE ~ HELP MY UNBELIEF
Within a short time, 2011, my life intersected with my new friend
Audrey
Newly diagnosed with cancer
She resolved to fight it
And she did.
Bravely walking through chemo
And then we had a party to celebrate what the doctors said was remission.
But that was short lived and within half a year or so, the cancer returned
Uglier than ever and with a new vengeance
Again tackling it with chemo
The cancer moved like an army into her body and into new territory
She asked me if she could hold my hand, and she almost squeezed the life out of it as the doctor inserted a type of chemo right into the fluid in her spine.
And the next appointment which they asked me to join them on,
The docs words to them - was to get her life in order.
The time was short.
We prayed for healing.
I prayed too and yet within me I had a strong sense that her healing was not to be here on earth.
It was hard to pray after hearing God speak to me about that.
Maybe I was hearing wrong. I wanted to be mistaken.
But I joined our group as we prayed boldly.
I will never forget the day she shared that she had to tell her family she could no longer do treatment
Too weak
Yet her faith was so strong
And a mere 3 weeks later, not even
I walked through the dimly lit halls of Riverview to her room.
The sun had not yet come up
Nurses were in a meeting together as they were going to be changing shifts
My arrival at 7:10 am found her asleep
And within 2 and a a half hours I witnessed her last breath this side of heaven
Gone to be with Jesus whom she loved
LORD I BELIEVE ~ HELP MY UNBELIEF
Sunny blue-sky day
Keri drove with “WOW praise” music playing in her car CD player
Her favourite coffee beverage being consumed as she drove
Likely not a worry in the world
Not anticipating how the black ice would throw her car into a spin
And if one had been there, they would have heard the sound of metal hitting metal
Rescue vehicles
Resuscitation
Hospital
Surgery
Waiting
Praying
More waiting
More praying
And later, what felt like a lifetime
The sound of her last breath taken in by the silent gathering of family surrounding her bed
Seems that Keri had already met Jesus on the perimeter
But time was needed to let her go
From the music of "WOW WORSHIP" to the sounds of heaven
And the pain and anguish of her mom and dad, her little son, her sister and her family, and those of us who were extended family, and loved her with all our hearts began
LORD I BELIEVE ~ HELP MY UNBELIEF
My cough
It was the trademark that the kids would laugh and say “when we hear it, we know Mom’s close by”
The cough was constant from the year we did our fist mission trip.
With a lung wash done, there was nothing that could pinpoint what was causing it.
It was constant and annoying
It was embarrassing
and truth be told, it was exhausting.
Over 11 years later while doing retreat ministry, 2 women I was hosting felt that were being told to pray over me.
They asked if that would be okay and I said yes.
There I sat as they prayed over me, hands on me, sometimes in a heavenly language
The sobs of pain and grief poured out
Feeling like they were coming from the depts of my being
More Sobs
Bitterness at those who were so hurtful during my time of losing my grandson
These sobs came out uncontrollably
The depths of the anguish that spilled out took me by surprise
The next day they felt they needed to pray with me again, but specific to my cough
While I can’t remember the words or the prayers raised
I remember the feeling in my body
And my constant coughing and throat-clearing left.
LORD I BELIEVE ~ HELP MY UNBELIEF
I got to know Gisele when I was asked to officiate their wedding.
She married our friend, and quickly became my friend as well.
She loved life
She joined our group of “sisters” who studied God’s Word
I watched her grow in her faith
She got involved in our ministry and came on as board chair.
As she noted things were happening in her body - we prayed
And I remember the day we had tea and talked about her diagnosis
We prayed and asked God to heal her
We couldn’t help but feel that a healing would be such a good way to point others to Jesus
We felt we were praying His will for her life
She enjoyed a seemingly good quality of life
Doing last things
Knowing that chemo was only slowing down cancer
Not eradicating it
And then as quickly as it came, she was taking to hospital.
2018, just 11 years into her marriage.
Just a couple years on our board
Enjoying life with her family and friends
Growing in her faith
I spent a night by her bed
Watching her shallow breaths
Believing she would be seeing Jesus soon
And she did.
I officiated her celebration of life service
LORD I BELIEVE ~ HELP MY UNBELIEF
Less than a year later, after welcoming in the new year - 2019
Our great room was inhabited by our lifegroup
Little did we know that before our next gathering two weeks later,
Our lives would change
As our friend Ann began the journey of discovering Cancer had invaded her body
No can't be ... God?
Not Ann.
Full of life - lots of plans ahead
But Cancer knows no boundaries and is a respecter of none
We prayed.
Boy did we pray.
Laid hands on her
Prayed boldly and with great faith.
Strong faith that was also such a strong characteristic of her as we knew and watched her.
But slowly cancer took more away from her
Except it could not touch her faith
Her body weakened
But her faith remained strong and grew
And encouraged us in ours.
And in a short time of 3 months
Ann entered into the presence of Jesus.
LORD I BELIEVE ~ HELP MY UNBELIEF
He was not a stranger to cancer unfortunately.
His journey with the Big C had begun in 2016.
Reentered in 2018, and again a new diagnosis in 2019.
But nothing could prepare him or his family, or us as his family at large
For the words that were given to him
That treatments were ineffective and there was nothing they could do
And he had a mere 2-3 months to live.
We stormed the throne room on his behalf.
Praying for him was not new, however
the pending time frame made it feel more urgent than ever before.
In my heart I felt his healing would only come when the LORD took him
and once again hoped I was mistaken
But we promised him that until his last breath
we would join him to pray for healing
Here
On earth
Surrounded by his family, his friends.
That was his heart’s desire
To LIVE here for a few more years at least
To watch his kids grow
To love his wife more
To spend time with family and learn more about how his faith in Jesus could grow
But healing did not come like that
Instead it came with his passing from death into life
Leaving his cancer filled body behind
Along with his family who grieve
LORD I BELIEVE ~ HELP MY UNBELIEF
LORD I DO BELIEVE
I believe you are Sovereign
I believe you are Jehovah Rapha - HEALER
I believe you know our first breath and our last
I believe you knew of us before one cell even began in our mother’s womb.
I believe the words of Psalm 139 are true!
LORD I DO BELIEVE
But LORD …
HELP MY UNBELIEF
I have wrestled with my questions and thoughts
I know you owe me no answers or reasons
I know you’ve heard millions of WHY GODs rise to your ears
I know you’ve held me in your embrace
When I’ve crumbled with the weight of grief
I know you’ve called me to pray on behalf of healing for others
I know you’ve called me to intercede and lay hands on
And I have prayed believing you would heal
I believe you weep with me
I know you see my faith and you also know my doubts
I say the words “believe” and “unbelief” in the same sentence
You know I am so inadequate
Oh I need you so much
You long for me to lay my self sufficiency at the foot of the cross daily
You are growing my faith in the midst of my doubts and questions
You know my needs.
More than I know and before I know them, you already know.
You know the days when my faith seems so strong and
You also know my doubts and my unwavering response to follow you
no matter what I see or don't see
I believe
You are who you say you are
Including Healer.
Help my unbelief when your idea of healing differs from my limited expectations
I continue to trust you
I continue to say you are Sovereign
Over all
Yes
Over all - even my disappointment when healing doesn't happen here, or the way I pray it does
I continue to believe
And LORD thank you for loving me amidst the times of my unbelief
When I wrestle with faith
Help me to grow and to submit to your will and to trust you.
LORD I BELIEVE ~ and I know it is okay to say HELP MY UNBELIEF
Note:
this is long but is my journalling response to a sermon our pastor delivered on the names of GOD. Jehovah Rapha - HEALER.
I know personally that HE IS HEALER.
I have experienced true life healing!!
I committed myself yesterday at the end of the service - to invite Jehovah Rahpa to be my Healer.
My life has been full of interceding in huge ways - life and death ways - and I have learned about God, and his faithfulness even when it feels like he is silent, or absent, or not faithful.
I have friends missionary friends who have seen miracles right before their eyes. I have prayed at times wth such intensity that I have believed I would also see a miracle.
I continue to wait for "miracles sightings" for my eyes to behold and my faith to be bolstered by.
However, my faith walk is not based on miracles provide - but it is based on the sovereigncy of our GOD!!
I have not got a good response to the people who have chosen not to pray for healing because they have never seen an answer. I know it is hard when you pray and believe with all your heart that you are praying the will of the Father for a person … but it seems you were wrong. I've been there! SO SURE ... But maybe we are just supposed to pray and trust for the outcome instead of telling the healer what the outcome should be.
I wrestled through my own questions when I praised God along with others at a prayer meeting, for bringing someone’s baby to life after being born silently while knowing in our case He chose not to. I wrestled with that as I went home and spent some time with the LORD about that.
I have had my own times when I felt so strongly that I was going to witness a miracle and then was so shocked when the outcome was anything but the miracle I had felt was going to happen.
There is no formula. No pat answers. Goodness sakes - please do not give anyone a pat christian answer when one is wrestling with belief - unbelief in regards to healing.
But here is what I do know for sure:
God IS Sovereign
God still does heal today (yes I believe there are still real live miracles witnessed today)
We are told to ask boldly (and why wouldnt we come before him boldly, just like children come before their parents with bold requests)
But God does not heal everyone (he did not heal every sick person he walked by in the BIble days) and the ways he heals them may look differently than how we think healing should look.
He knows what is best for each of us.
(back to the parent analogy ... when my kids used to come begging for something that they believed was in their best interest - oh my sometimes broke when I had to say NO or give them something different than what they were praying. But I was the parent and felt I knew what they needed the most)
We live in a broken world and our bodies are earthly … (I see or should I say I FEEL this almost every day. This world is not our home, we are just passing through. Our bodies are failing us as they are not meant to live forever. Our Sovereign God knows this and what is best for us)
When we believe he is fully sovereign, fully in control, and all knowing - we can involve ourselves in conversation with him fully trusting He knows best. This doesnt mean we won't wrestle with the outcome, or whine, or grieve or ask a milion whys? (yep, parents analogy once again)
I will leave you with the verse where Jesus tells his disciples that in this world they will have trouble but HE has overcome the world. (John 16:33 for the exact words)
In my belief … and yes even in my unbelief … I will hold onto that promise AND I will depend on the LORD GOD to be, and provide and fill me with HIS PEACE.