My arms ache
My ears are attuned
My eyes fall on little children and I feel - in the very pit of my being
a sense of hurt, excitement, injustice, abandonment, anger, joy, love and hope
all rolled into my being
An ache that is constantly there
If only I had held him more, and talked less on the phone that day
If only I had opened up his little blanket and examined his little shoulders and belly and limbs
If only I had opened his little eyelids and gazed at the blueness of his eyes
If only I had sand "Bye Baby Bunting" to him
or whispered I LOVE YOU JAY one more time
If only....
If only - in those last 5 minutes, he had breathed, or his heart had continued to beat
If only instead of weeping in deep sorrow, we had wept tears of joy
If only - instead of a white rose taped to a closed hospital room door, it had been swung wide open unable to contain the people rejoicing
If only I had taken more time to smell him - that amazing new baby smell
If only I had kissed each of his little ears, and each little finger and toe
If only he would have breathed
O Lord - if only
If only the kids would have carried him out to their car, instead of a green box containing his memories and hearts that were shattered in a million pieces
If only their nursery would be dim because he was asleep in his crib,
intead of dark and dim because it hurt so much to see it prepared but empty
If only their album was full of pictures of Jay alive,
instead of him asleep in Jesus.
O God - if only
There are too many if only's
Too many.
If only this bad nightmare would go away and we could roll back the hands of time and do it over again - only that it would have a different ending.
O God, if only.
Lord, hear the cries of our heart
You know and feel our sadness and pain.
You collect our tears in a bottle.
My ears are attuned
My eyes fall on little children and I feel - in the very pit of my being
a sense of hurt, excitement, injustice, abandonment, anger, joy, love and hope
all rolled into my being
An ache that is constantly there
If only I had held him more, and talked less on the phone that day
If only I had opened up his little blanket and examined his little shoulders and belly and limbs
If only I had opened his little eyelids and gazed at the blueness of his eyes
If only I had sand "Bye Baby Bunting" to him
or whispered I LOVE YOU JAY one more time
If only....
If only - in those last 5 minutes, he had breathed, or his heart had continued to beat
If only instead of weeping in deep sorrow, we had wept tears of joy
If only - instead of a white rose taped to a closed hospital room door, it had been swung wide open unable to contain the people rejoicing
If only I had taken more time to smell him - that amazing new baby smell
If only I had kissed each of his little ears, and each little finger and toe
If only he would have breathed
O Lord - if only
If only the kids would have carried him out to their car, instead of a green box containing his memories and hearts that were shattered in a million pieces
If only their nursery would be dim because he was asleep in his crib,
intead of dark and dim because it hurt so much to see it prepared but empty
If only their album was full of pictures of Jay alive,
instead of him asleep in Jesus.
O God - if only
There are too many if only's
Too many.
If only this bad nightmare would go away and we could roll back the hands of time and do it over again - only that it would have a different ending.
O God, if only.
Lord, hear the cries of our heart
You know and feel our sadness and pain.
You collect our tears in a bottle.
O Lord, bring us through this intact, whole, complete and trusting.
Because although we don't understand, we are choosing to trust you on this.
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