Withdrawing a while....

Today is a new day. I love that about God. He continues to give me new days. No matter how badly I mess up, or how much I neglect Him, or whatever, He continues to give me a fresh start each new morning. I am reminded of that each time I turn off my driveway onto Springfield Road (picture above) .... the road that has soaked up many of my tears, and has had many prayers prayed as I kicked up the gravel. Hmmm just realize I haven't seen any of the little yellow and brown fuzzy caterpillars lately when I walked. (those were/are one of the kisses God has given me, but that is fodder for another blog entry.)

That being said, today being a new day and all - I am realizing that I am feeling a little bit like I am in a pit again. Funny how that happens. Life seems to be a mixture of downs and ups - of valleys and mountains. It feels like lately though, without the brief mountain top experience that we just had celebrating Ash and Mike's wedding - if feels like I am in a valley again.

Yesterday at university, we had a guest professor speak to us on the Psalms. It was like a balm to my soul. He talked about "the dark night of the soul" that the psalmist must have experienced at times. I think I have too. And while I don't necessarily feel like I am still there, in that dark night, it just feels like I have been down in the valley a long time. My doctor doesn't think it is depression. She thinks it is all just the whole grief thing. I would agree. Needless to say, it just feels awful.

I have come to realize that my precious times are when I can just curl up on the lap of the FATHER, and rest, or talk, or just think and often to cry. I do that alot.
Cry. I read something today that mentioned that in order to grow in grace, we must spend a lot of time in quiet solitude. Hmmmm I must be growing :)
All I know is, my soul is ready for a miracle - it is ready for a few splashes of joy - it is ready to breathe again. And then the next moment, it is feeling lonely and desolate and torn. Guess that is how we grow. God, help me to grow through this all. Not bitter - that really could be too easy. Not cynical - that could be easy too. Certainly not judgmental - just because I am going through something so deep doesn't mean everyone is, nor does it mean they should understand, or even care. Help me to just let some things go....

God, help me to grow - to take what I am learning and care more deeply for those who are hurting. Help me to be the one to give the first hug, or wipe a tear that is rolling off a cheek. help me to be there for the one who finds it hard to put thoughts into words. Help me God to care deeply, as you have taught me to care through my own deep pain. Help me not to judge or get angry or cynical. Forgive me for those times that seemed to come without warning.

God, in this desert, help me to grow. To take off my sandals and acknowlege you as the great I AM. Help me to be able to just "be" -
Andrew Bonar said, "It is in the desert that the dw is freshest and the air is most pure." O Lord, help me to breathe. Help me to breathe!!

Come with me by yourselves and rest awhile,
I know you're weary of the stress and throng
Wipe from your brow the sweat and dust of toil,
And in My quiet strength again be strong.

Come now aside from all the world holds dear
For fellowship the world has never known
Alone with Me, and with My Fatehr here,
with Me and with My Father, not alone.

Come, tell Me all that you have said and done,
Your victories and failures, hopes and fears
I kow how hardened hearts are wooed and won
My choicest wreaths are always wet with tears.

Come now and rest; the journey is too great,
And you will faint beside the way and sink;
The bread of life is here for you to eat,
And here for you the wine of love to drink.

Then from fellowship with your Lord return,
And work till daylight softens into even
Those brief hours are not lost in which you learn
More of your Master and His rest in Heaven.

from Streams in the Desert, L.B. Cowman, October 2 devotional