God?

God, where are you?
I long to see your power.
I know you don't have to prove anything ... but God, I long for you to do so.
Days and weeks ahve turned to months
The tears still fall unexpectedly and often
They sting as they roll down my cheeks and land softly..
God, do you care?
Everything I know about you - screams out that you do!
but the emptiness of my heart makes me feel like you don't.
I want to run
not sure where, not every sure why
But I do...
run, cluthing my children close to me,
as if I could ward off any further pain
O wishful thought.

The bleakness of the grey sky and naked tree that I see from my window,
proclaimes the death of one season
and eventually the anticipation of life to come
The greyness - a stark contrast to the beautiful colors of summer and fall.

I feel that way often
like the leaves of my being have been blown off by unsuspectin winds and stinging rain
And now I walk through the day feeling exposed and naked,
as if my being, or parts of it
have been buried under the cold blanket of snow.

and yet, i long for the touch of a healing hand, on the broken pieces of my heart
For the touch of warmth to revive my pathetic heart
a heart that remembers the feel of warmth coursing through it
and yet, appears to lay shattered and scattered around my feet.
And try as I might to pick up the pieces, I just can seem to
And I worry that I can find them all - only that can bring wholeness

I look out at the trees again
and wonder if they feel -
Realizing God created me to feel extreme pain, and extreme joy,
and a mix that somehow comes together and co-exists.

Looking out the window at the yard in front of me
i remember the beatufy of days past
even now, the stark bleakness stands in sharp contrast -
Black - White - and the grey.
While I know life will spring forth again,
I just don't feel it today
And so I feel, in spite of the memories
Inspite of the knowledge of who my God is...
Inspite of pep talks and decisions to look up...
I just feel grey, exposed, and cold.

And just when that feeling seems so incredibly tangible that I want to scream and to run.
God sends a bluejay flying across my scene out the front window
And I am once again kissed by my Lord
And I hear him say again, that its okay to feel this, that He is carrying me,
and reminds me that He's near.