Crushed. Shattered. Pressed.

I remember a day or two after Jay's birth/death, we read together, the words found in 2 Corinthians chapter 4 - the words that I have often taken comfort in. The words about being fragile jars of clay...
vs 8 says... "we are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. we are perplexed, but not driven to despair. we are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down but we are not destroyed. Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may be seen in our bodies."

We also read that at Jay's sunrise service, when we laid his little body to rest.

Today, I will be honest... I am struggling. really, really struggling. As I write, I am weeping. I honestly feel crushed. I honestly feel despair. I honestly feel abandoned by God. I have been knocked down.... my kids, O God, they have been knocked down over and over and over again. How much more till we are destroyed?
When is the suffering enough? Only when we die? I thought we were showing your life in our bodies, before all this.... is this a test? If adversity draws people closer to you, then why O God, do I feel like you have cast us off and left us in a pile. And why God, don't you decide to allow adversity into the lives of those who are not walking close to you, so that you can draw them?

I am tired of hearing the pat answers.... that you will make things better in your time... that your timing O God, is perfect.... that you are making us stronger.....
I am so tired, and really God, I am scared. What if we feel so abandoned that we just walk away from it all? Is that not a concern for you God?

No, you know our end from our beginning don't you. You know, regardless of how we pray, you know how you will answer. And really right now God, I am tired. We don't know how much more we can take.... we just don't get it.

Our hearts are all in pieces. Josh and Leah, Ashley and Mike, Alvin and mine - a million little pieces, blown up and scattered, all over. And so far, I can't feel like you have brought any of the pieces together.

God, where are you. Why does it feel like insult is added to injury. Why does it feel like we only see your back. What do you want from us anyway?
I just don't get it. I feel pressed, shattered and crushed, and just plain numb.

As your word says, I do "look to the hills.... for help." But I can't see you.
God??
And yet, because my head knows that you have been faithful, I wait. I guess really, I have no other choice but waiting. O God, in your mercy.... speak.... act....show your power.... and perhaps show that you hear our little lonely prayers, spoken from quivering lips.
perhaps today...