thoughts from the last few days

Here I sit, my husband catching a few zzz's in the lazy boy chair beside me. It's Saturday, and it has been a full week. I also realize that it has been a number of days since I blogged. As I look back on the week, I realize that God has been ever-present in many conversations, in many situations, and in many miles driven on snow covered roads.

Of course, with having Ashley's birthday, we had planned to get together with our kids and celebrate on Wednesday night. With her birthday in March, it seems like in the 24 years of celebrating, every time we plan a party, it would storm!! And although Monday was not a bad day - Wed, the night we planned to get together for a celebration - it was stormy. However, we just changed the venue, and celebrated with a bbq steak dinner at Josh and Leah's. (steak and grasshopper dessert as the birthday cake, were Ashley's wishes)

Inspite of the storm day, I came in with Alvin - and got in two amazing coffee gettogethers with two amazing women in my life - Karis and Sue. It was a good time of just being together and chatting. I was so thankful that we could still do it.

I have to tell you however, of my Tuesday evening appointment. Alvin and I had an appointment to meet at our new "land" - and although it isn't our officially till we take possession April 30th, we had a meeting there on Tuesday at 6. It was with Jerald, who is truly a gift from God to us.

Jerald and I met one day at the beginning of January, over lunch. In December, God impressed on me, the need to meet with Jerald about the women's retreat vision. Now, Jerald was not a stranger to this idea, as I had shared it with him seven years ago. I have learned that when God lays something on my heart, or speaks to me about someone or something, I need to listen. So, after many emails, we met, and I shared with Jerald what we were now thinking in regards to Women Refreshed at the Well.

Because of Jerald's profession (architect) I felt that I needed to ask some questions of an expert - such as how do we build a combination personal home and retreat house. I loved the idea (proposed to us by our kids Josh and Leah) but I was not sure how to do this well. So, we talked. At one point in the conversation, Jerald told me that he would be willing to take the project on (no charge) if he could be on board from the beginning, and also if he could do it for me since we are friends.

Our conversation there at The Old Spagetti Factory cemented over and over to me, that God is in all the details. I found out that during Jerald's university time, he had to design a ficticious Spiritual Retreat Center. (God thing!!)
With a turned over paper place mat, Jerald drew a diagram of an idea that we could do. He told me that he was not at all surprised that God was stirring this up again.
Before we parted ways, Jerald told me that as soon as we found some land, to let him know, so that he could come and "walk the land" with us - as it is important to put the right house on the land, not just any house.

You have to know that I drove home from that lunch so excited!! At this point, we did not have land picked out. God was working on those details!!

So, last Tuesday, as the storm was just getting into motion - there we were, Alvin, Jerald and I - "walking the land" and talking about preliminary details. We loved that Jerald was also asking about the shop that we would build first and live in until next spring when Lord willing we built the house...
He asked us what else we may want as part of the retreat center, and I mentioned I would like a prayer labyrinth. To which he smiled and asked if we knew that his firm were also experts in labyrinths!! Now you don't always know with Jerald, as his face and eyes are always sort of smiling... but then he told us that they had designed the Carol Shield's labyrinth in King's Park. I had read something in the Free Press about this, but have not seen it yet.

As we walked back to the car (after walking ankle deep in ice water) I told Jerald that it was no coincidence that he and I talked in January, and that he had designed a spiritual retreat center in university, and that they were experts in labyrinths - NO COINCIDENCE - it was all GOD!! And of course Jerald smiled.

This was Tuesday. The plans are in his and God's hands... and we are so thankful.

The rest of this week held "gems" where I continued to see God... of course, there are still times when my knees are weak, and my faith wavers...
There are still times when I look at my beautiful Grandson's picture - and still want to scream WHY GOD WHY? On Tuesday, my Grandson would have been 8 months.
I have decided that one room in the retreat center will be dedicated to my little Jay. I am already thinking of how to decorate that room. You see, within days after Jay's silent birth - I shared with someone, that going through the loss of Jay impressed on me again, the need for a place for women to go to "be".
I am not at the place where I can say God, I thank you for taking me through Jay's birth and death. Honestly I don't know if I can ever say that. I have heard someone just recently say that when they realized what their son's death did in their lives, they could say they were thankful...
I am not there. I am not thankful. God knows that.

But I do believe that my conversations lately, with women from all ages, (from 20 something to 70 something) with women who have struggled with children, with infertility, with miscarriage, and some who have also had babies born and then die days later - I see how God is taking the brokenness and the shattered pieces of my life, and using them to speak to women. I truly believe that Women Refreshed at the Well will have a ministry to broken and shattered women. Oh God, I wish this weren't so, that no one would ever go through what Josh and Leah, and our family, and Leah's family went through - but I know that there will be other women who have, and who will - and they will need someone to just be there for them, to hug, to hold, and to weep together. And I am willing, to let God use me.

I realize that I have been all over the place with this blog... thanks for reading... and please continue to pray. For our brokenness and healing - our kids and us. Please pray as Jerald designs our future shop/home and retreat center. Please pray as women around us walk through such great sadness and loss and dare to talk about it. And please pray that there will be those of us who dare to step INTO the lives of others, to walk out of our comfort zones and weep with those who mourn. Please also pray that we will never stop believing that God is Sovereing over all, and that his timing is right. Oh...that is a hard one - God - please help me to believe that. To you God, be the glory and the honor and the praise. I love you Lord.