And who am I O Lord, that you should know my name?

Just now, although it is quite late, I am sitting here with a line from an old praise song running through my mind. It is the line "and who am I O Lord, that you should know my name. I think it may be called ONLY YOU...

Who am I? This is something that I began thinking of last year - as I had anticipated turning 50! It was the "big year" - our 50th birthdays - 30th anniversary - anticipation of our little Jay making us Granny and Poppa - and Ashley and Michael's wedding. In the middle of all that, I began to journal thoughts like "
Who am I?

After our little Jay died, the WHO AM I just became even more of a question, as I struggled with the fact that I couldn't even be the mom I used to be! When my kids were little, I could pick them up when they were hurt, dust them off, kiss them and get them on their way with everything "better". After Jay died I realized I could not even do that. I was not the MOM I had been - in fact, I didn't think I knew who I was.

Enter Mary, our gift from God! Our counsellor. It was only since January that I began to ask Mary how to work through this question, and at one point she smiled at me, and with love in her voice told me that she thought that perhaps I was expecting to uncover a NEW me - or a different me, but that she believed who I was would be the same person I have been all my life, but just buried under it all. It really boiled down to rediscovery!! (that is my take on it).

So it was, that I had to smile when I came across the entry from April 7, 2004 - 5 years ago!! I was reading the book BELOVED DISCIPLE (? author?) and was journalling some of my thoughts on questions that the book presented. This is what I wrote:
Question: Who have you discovered that you aren't and who have you discovered that you are?

Here is my answer - "I am not superwoman, in fact as much as I like to think I can do so much, I realize more and more, my limits and my human-ness! I have discovered I am not the only one wh ocan do certain things and have learned and continue to learn to give stuff away. (i.e. delegate) I have learned that I am not irreplaceable. I learned that at the daycare (career I left after 25 years) and I am learning that through the search process. (at that time, I had submitted my resume for the permanent ministry position at our church - which I am currently in now).

Then I continued to write: I have discovered that I am precious in God's eyes~ and I am beautiful. I am not perfect, but can try and apply myself to all I do. I am "called" to ministry whereever that specific call leads. I've discovered I am open to the "whatever" God has. I am gifted. Thank you God! I am loved hugely by my spouse and kids. I am a prayer believer!

I then quoted this from Chapter Two, page 20 of the Beloved Disciple: "When Jesus Christ takes over our lives, things get exciting! Consider where you are in this present season of your life. At this season of your life, what do you sense you need most? Preparation for a fresh work from God? Are you willing to follow Him? That's the only way you and I will ever discover the One who calls us and the one we were born to be. Child ~ a great adventure awaits you."

Then on April 11th, 2004 I wrote "where has God taken you personally to transfigure your perception of Him?? Personally ~ Lord you've taken me on this path of trust, obey, follow - since 2001. When I knew you were calling me out of SNS (daycare). This past year you have taken me STILL along the journey of trust, obey and follow! I've seen so many aspects of YOU Lord! I've heard you speak to me through visions, dreams, word and The Word. I've seen you as the Lord of my life, my lover, my friend, my guide ~ and I want to put my ALL in you!. Help me to love you with abandon!

Funny how 5 years later, I could journal the same thing. It is about Him knowing my name - it is about who I am ~ it is about seasons of my life and the willingness to follow Him. I also know that it feels like a great adventure awaits. For sure to do with the Vision (Women Refreshed at the Well!). Over the last 5 years, God has spoken to me on a regular basis. I do not take that for granted! I also realize that not everyone "gets" how this happens, or even beieves that God speaks. But, oh my ~ He longs to talk to us daily! I thank God for the way He also continues to speak to me through not only words, but through His Scripture and through my friends who have prophetic gifting. He continues to also give me "pictures" ...
And I know that through this dark stage of my life I have learned more than I ever thought was possible.

Oh Lord God today I ask the same thing - help me to put my all in you. To love you with abandon - my Jesus ~ my Saviour ~ my Lover ~ my friend. My ALL. Amen