search me O God...

i have said in the past
that sometimes when i think of what God has called us to do
to "step out of the boat" (so to speak, using the title of a book that changed my life)
it takes my breath away
and often makes my heart race

but as i write this tonight
there is something else that i am feeling
and don't know quite what to do with it
it is more than just taking my breath away
it is making me feel like i am literally going to be sick to my stomach
and for the first time
i am wondering how we stop this ball from rolling
while at the same time knowing that "stopping the ball" is not an option
nor to I really believe it is God's plan after the years of saying "get the ball rolling"

is it doubt
is it fear
is it being overwhelmed
is it worry
is it the unknown
(or perhaps all of the above)

is it wondering how long i will be living in my kids loft, or in some other temporary home
is it worrying about my family and the work that it is putting on them
is it wondering about the people who God will provide to help
is it worrying about the money involved in building this home
(we could downsize, it wouldn't be too late to do that BUT it would be other than what God has led us to plan for)

is it wondering why God calls us to something
and yet absolutely nothing has gone easily
absolutely nothing
not one thing
in fact at times it has been one step forward, two steps back so to speak


for the first time
i am wondering if we are doing the right thing
i am wondering if we are too old for this
really God, it would have been easier to just buy a house on a quiet bay
and drink coffee with friends at mountain bean

(i know however that I told someone just a couple weeks ago, that if we weren't so sure this was God's will, we would have stopped a long time ago)

so many thoughts
guess its because i have so much time on my hands
time can be both friend and enemy

my thoughts are all over the place
and somehow
i wish i could sweep them up into a nice neat little pile and guard them
but life..
doesn't
happen
like
that
It is not neat
In fact it is rather messier with time
And loosely held in our hands

at least - that is my experience

oh God, I am so glad that you are in control
even though I am wondering where you are in the whole thing
and why you don't just make things a little easier
(not that i am wimping out, but Lord, I am feeling just a little weary)

and now
just as i typed the previous paragraph
you o God - YOU... (so true to form)
remind me of YOUR WORDS...

"Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting."
Psalm 139: 23-24

So Lord - those thoughts that I wrote down -
the ones that are all over the place...
you know all about them.
Lord, please show me what to do with them
And help me to lead with encouraging words in the days and weeks and months to come