Valentines and aMpUTaTioNs

What in the world is this title all about.  It seems that I have been lagging behind in the blogging and journalling departments!  Not that I don't want to write - it just seems that by the time I get a chance it is too late (just before bed) and I decided to "do it tomorrow" and well, I am sure we all have things that don't get done "tomorrow"....

The weekend was full.  4 of us couples celebrated Valentines Day together on Saturday night.  After some brainstorming and planning - we met with our men at Mountain Bean, gave them the first "envelope" and left them with coffee and cards to "write a love letter or poem to your sweetheart".  Needless to say, the evening was fun and we ended up eating at the Keg ... which is another word for "amazing steak meal!"  I am so thankful for my "Valentines"  (my sweetheart Alvin, kids Ashley and Michael, Joshua and Leah, and grandsons: Jay (in heaven) and Everett.  While we are still in our kid's loft (about 40 steps from their house) I am really cherishing the last few weeks of being able to see my grandson standing at the window at the front door - and being able to kiss his sweet little face! I honestly, do not take that privilege for granted, and I know already how much I am going to miss being in their front yard! (the moving will begin soon for both of us - the kids are moving to the city, and therefore we are moving too!)

On Valentine's Day however, I was really missing my firstborn Grandson Jay.  This would have been his 3rd Valentine's Day in Heaven.  And my heart ached for him.  I decided to go to Sunnyside with some flowers.  While the road was plowed, I had to walk through alot of snow (yep, in my shoes, since I had not planned the snow part!) and when I got to his little grave site - I had to use my car snow brush to dig around the stone and brush it off so you could see it.  And then I laid the bouquet of flowers.  Yes, I know you are thinking perhaps why? ... after all, I didn't take flowers to my parents grave site, or to my in laws.  I also realize that this is the "resting place" for his little body, but perhaps I just need to do this for me.  I miss him so much and continue to wonder what he would look like at 2 1/2 years of age, and what we would do together, and how he would play with his little brother.  He just really holds such a huge place in my heart alongside Everett - even if I did not get the chance to watch him grow.  I often ask the Lord to tell him how much I love him!

So now - perhaps I need to explain amputations!  I realize that an amputation is all about missing a part of you that has been removed from your body (usually through an accident or through medical intervention due to health reasons).  My dad was an amputee (as a result of injury during WWII).  I watched as he struggled with learning how to use new prosthetics.  I watched him fall down and get back up.  I heard him talk about the phantom pain he had - as if the leg was still there.  What does this have to do with me?

Well on Sunday, I realized that even though I was sitting in a different church, and had peace about that decision, but it felt like an amputation of sorts.  You see - it seemed that we needed to leave in order to move along in our journey of healing.  Thing is - we also left behind the church body that we love... and miss.
I know - you are likely thinking - then why did we leave? It is a long story.  Bottom line is - we felt that was the only way we could move forward.  I almost hate talking to people about it - as our painful journey began two and a half years ago - and some people likely want to just tell us to "suck it up and move on".  Reality is - it is a journey.... we are moving on in it... and well, it just feels like and amputated limb.  Enough said.

Our weekend was full of fun - of surprise - of deep thought.  Last session in the Bible Study that I am doing - (Beth Moore ~ David - Seeking a Heart Like His) I read the scripture from 1 Samuel 30:6 that said, "David was greatly distressed because the men were talking of storing him; each one was bitter in spirit because of his sons and daughters.  But David found strength in the LORD his God."  One of the things she said during the DVD session was:  "You better know what to do - when it's only YOU!"  You need to know that your strength is found in the LORD!

So even if I struggle with amputation, I know where I can find my source of strength!  In Jesus Christ MY Lord and MY God!.  Thank you Lord.