he whispers

The other night, I crawled into bed, and snuggled up by my husband, who minutes before had just also gotten into bed, but was now fast asleep.  I had not turned on the light - but found my way in the dark.  I have for the most part - been quite okay with the dark.  I am not afraid of it, although I know some people are.

As I was trying to fall asleep, i was very aware that one of these days - we will get the call that we are excitedly awaiting.  The call for me - hold a "bigger call" because it means that I need to grab MY bag and head to the hospital, to join my daughter and son-in-law for the labor and delivery of my 4th little Grandbaby!  YES I have been invited to join with them during that time!  I am very excited.
I was thinking of that as I was trying to fall asleep.  And then it happened - as if it was a literal wash flooding over me - the anxiety hit.  Cold.  Real.  Freezing me in time.

I did as I normally try to do.  Give it over to God - who is the giver of PEACE.  I know that.  I have experienced that.  For some reason however, tonight was harder to give it and leave it with him.
My sleep did not come easy.  In fact - I had trouble falling asleep - and then would wake up and be confronted with fear and anxiety again.  AGAIN - I gave it to God.  I feel like I prayed my way through the long long LONG night.  (seemed longer than any other night).

You see - if you have read my blog - you know that our first born grandson is in Heaven.  You can read about our little Jay - if you go back to posts around July 2008.  I am not going to go into this now - but our experience with our little Jay - overshadows most of what we do in life from that point on.  It is a different way of looking.  Not much gets taken for granted any more.  And while I laid there, and listened to the deep breathing of my sleeping husband, I struggled with my fear.  With my anxiety.  With my memories.  I felt like I was frozen in it.  "God - please take it ... "

It seems that fear and anxiety comes during the dark nights.  Makes sense.  Things are quiet and still.  People are asleep.  And if you aren't sleeping - you do feel alone.  That was me.

The next day - I was chatting with my daughter - and then saw an email that she sent out to a few - sharing that she was also struggling with anxiety.  Yes, like I said - we have all been affected.  We have all been changed.  I shared an email also with some close to me, and also shared my anxiety with those in our care group when we were together last night.  We had many things to pray about during our prayer time.

I know that God is answering my prayers and the prayers of the family of God - who are praying for me, and for Ashley, and Michael and our family as we anticipate our little ones arrival!  We are praying for a strong healthy cry of this little one!!  We are praying for a safe delivery - and for a healthy baby.
I have felt less anxious.  I have been able to sleep.  Ashley has also been blessed with prayers of those around her.  Michael too.

The other night, and again today - I kept hearing something.  I realize that it is God.  He whispers.  He whispers slot actually, and it has been very simply this:  Be Still - and know that I am God.
In the silence of the night ...  he whispers
In the silence of our circle (care group)  waiting on God last night - he whispers
In the stillness of my day as I was sitting and just relaxing - he whispers
Now - as I keep one ear open to the sounds of my grandsons, and as my husband once again has fallen asleep on the couch (as we babysit) he whispers
Be Still O my soul
Be Still.
Be
Still

thank you Lord - giver of peace
thank you