raw emOtions

I have nothing to be downcast about, I have enjoyed holiday time in the sun.  Way more holiday time than I deserve!! LOL  But I am finding that today, my emotions are raw.
What does that mean exactly?
For me that means journalling, weeping and crying out to God.
It means that things are flooding over my soul - again and again, causing the pain and the heartbreak to crash over like waves crashing over a reef.
My memories from Hawaii bring to mind watching the huge breakers roar, especially during the night, the sound was very distinct and at first it was almost deafening until we realized what it was.

One wave - crashes and breaks
Before it is completely gone another one comes after it.

Such is my being today.
Once again, wave after wave of sorrow and grief washes over it.

**Unfortunately I am very aware that there are those who may thing and or say "oh boy, she is so depressed STILL"  "the girl needs counselling"  "oh man, she is not THROUGH it yet"
Yes, I have heard this all, sorry to say.  I have come to see that being authentic sometimes isn't the best!  And I know that sometimes those words come from the mouths of people 
who never really venture into our journey, but instead are on the periphery and thinking or unfortunately speaking those things out loud.
yes ... the proverbial grapevine is actually something that takes on a life of its own!!

ANYHOW that being said - I am choosing to write today.
Choosing to write about the tears, and the grief.
Choosing to write about the breakers crashing over and over again.
Choosing to write about raw emOtions ...
which are really just that
RAW

This week I have heard about and prayed for babies.
In one case twins - who are literally struggling for their lives.
One is with Jesus now.
The other still in hospital.
Parents broken.
Grandparents broken.
So many thoughts I am sure.

With the other baby, I got to touch and pray for and enjoy the sweet gurgles
and baby smiles.
She was called a miracle baby and then I heard that she was born flat.
FLAT ...
no heart beat.
But minutes later - beating.
We rejoiced.  We thanked God, and rightly so!
But in that, within the literally seconds of hearing the phrase "she was born flat"
my heart remembered like it was yesterday
the sights
the sounds
the surroundings
the literal cries of our hearts -
we poured out our hearts to God
POURED THEM OUT ...
the four of us grandparents
PLEADING with Him

Our grandson born flat
And his heart, even after 15 minutes of the work of the team of doctors and nurses
And there was no heartbeat.
He was already with Jesus
and it was obvious then ... Jesus was keeping our little Jay.

All of this, in the midst of prayers of rejoicing
and thanksgiving
and praise
and dedication
It all came back
so tangibly that I could hardly breathe
almost 7 years later
the emotions were so raw
it felt like yesterday

I still can't say thank you
but I can say "God  you are at work, and there is beauty you are making out of the ashes"

I have come to realize that we walk through the depths of despair, and we are changed by the depths.
If we are not changed, then it is all for not.
I know that everything in my life - even the hardest grief of losing my grandson - was permitted by my LORD and GOD who love me with the greatest love ever - Love that I can never truly comprehend.
I know that even though He permits it - I am sure His heart breaks with mine.
HE knows pain - He watched His Son go to the cross for our sin - and God's pain must have been so great - go figure - He covered the world in darkness when Jesus was dying.
I am always taken aback at Jesus words "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me"

Jesus said those words KNOWING He had to go to the cross.
He still felt forsaken.
JESUS FELT FORSAKEN
Guess its okay to have felt that way too.

I read today, in 31 Days of Praise by Ruth Meyer, on Day 11 (since it is March 11) the following which spoke to me, and where I am at today.
"... all my past circumstances were permitted by You to make me see my need of You and prepare my heart for Your Word - to draw me to Yourself, and to work out Your good purpose for my life.  I rejoice that You are the Blessed Controller of all things - You are now, You will be throughout the future, and You always were.  All my days had Your touch of love and wisdom, whether or not I can yet fully see it.
     And Lord, I choose to look beyond my past and present roubles in this life - this temporary life - and fix my eyes on the unseen things that will last forever.  I parse you for the eternal glory these things are piling up for me as I choose to trust You."  Page 64

I realize that the emotions ARE RAW .  Real Real REAL RAW.
I also realize that He continues to be Sovereign and I can choose to let Him use me for His glory -
to weep with those who weep and mourn with those who mourn
to walk alongside of those who are going through similar things
and to pray.

So today - in the midst of these raw emOtions ...
I am choosing to think, to cry out and to pray
O Lord, use the emotions, use me
for your honour and glory.
Until I am home with you - knowing full well that the best is yet to come!!

I am going to end with sharing a note that I got, written to us from a sweet one who retreated in RESTORE and wrote in the book there "Josh & Leah, Joy and your husband - may your painful loss of Jay Benjamin continue to be a testimony of God bringing beauty from the ashes.  God bless you for this beautiful dream turned into reality.  God bless you and enlarge your territory.  One day, one day - we ill be reunited with those we never got to share life with."

yes - as I said ... The best is yet to come!!