"Not yours to carry Joy"

" When darkness veils his lovely face- I'll rest on his unchanging grace
In every high and stormy day - My anchor holds within the veil"
from song:  On Christ the Solid Rock I stand

My heart has been breaking over someone very dear to us who has been fighting cancer over and over and over again in the past 3.5 years.  First one kind 3.5 years ago, with a week of radiation and a surgery.  Then two years later a second kind, with chemo and surgery, and then barely months later (just last December)  with another diagnosis with chemo.  My heart breaks as I have petitioned God for healing.  

A couple months ago God told me to persist in prayer.  Our family loved one's "ask" of us is that we pray for healing THIS side of heaven, and if not, then that God would take our loved one quickly.  So we have prayed.  I have once or twice asked the LORD about healing, and about why some are healed and others aren't.  These questions have not just come out of this current round of intercessory prayer.  I will admit, those words have come ever since we lost our Jay.  I have done the wrestling with those questions, and have asked the WHY GOD's more than I care to admit.  I believe our God is okay with this, and that this is part of the reason we can say He is a good good Father.  But believing that even in the midst of feeling like there is nothing good about our loved one's current situation - that is a harder stretch for many of us.

Today I sat with the Father, and with the comfort of Holy Spirit in the stillness of my home.  I have to say for this reason, I am loving not hosting others here (with ministry currently on hold) although  I know all that will begin again at some point, but in the meantime I know without a doubt, that God is using this time to speak deeply into the core of my being with His words - speaking to me as His beloved.

Today I was taken to Psalm 56 and in this Psalm David tells the LORD GoD that he knows God knows about every tear.  With pen in hand I sat, and listened as after many years of this happening, I know when God is about to tell me something, and I know I need to sit down, listen and write the conversation.  

So there we were - the two of us - Him talking and me writing and listening.  And asking some of my own questions.  But it was mostly God speaking this morning.  I shared with Him how our loved one feels abandoned.  I shared how hard this is to hear (not as if we are supposed to give any answer - we don't have one)  I asked God how we bring any kind of hope into this darkness of the valley of the shadow of death?  I told him about how I have felt the responsibility of intercession.  Then I put down my pen and spoke out loud to the Father.  The Holy Spirit comforted me as the tears ran and ran and ran and my words reached the throne room and gathered into the golden bowls full of prayers (I assume) 

This morning God told me it is not about me (Joy) bringing any kind of hope.  It is not about whether we should have prayed over and anointed our loved one.    HE reminded me that it is so not about me (Joy) trying to bring that, or do that, or carry that.  In HIS words, written down in my journal, God said, "You are not the one who will bring hope - I am speaking to the depths of his soul.  You can't be what only Holy Spirit can be.  The COMFORTER.  This is not yours to carry Joy."  

I realized in that moment, with the tears streaming, that I can not be what only the LORD GOD/FATHER/Holy Spirit can be to our loved one.   And as hard as it is to hear and know that someone feels abandoned, I believe the Father speaks right to this, knowing the pain of watching His son.  I believe the Father grieves with us right now too. The pain of abandonment was felt so strongly I believe by Jesus when the sky went dark, and He cried out loud MY GOD, MY GOD, why have you forsaken me.  I believe in these times, Jesus knows our thoughts, and our feelings.  An in the midst of this, I believe that although He can not be seen, the Holy Spirit is present in the room wherever our loved one walks or sits or sleeps.  Because our loved one loves the LORD.

That love sustains us.  Even in those times when it feels dark, and dismal, and lonely and abandoned.  The pain although lessened by medication, is still almost unbearable.  But there are still so many good conversations.  We pray for many more years.  We thank God for loved ones and relationships that we likely took for granted more than we want to admit.  Our hearts break when we leave, having witnessed the physical, emotional, mental and spiritual pain caused by such a life-robbing thing called cancer.  We weep with them and for them.  

I've never walked the journey through cancer, and only God knows if I will at some point in my life - but I have walked alongside of a few loved ones in times of deep dark valleys, and have also walked in some valleys of my own.  And I have come to see, like He reminded me today, that it is not mine to try to carry things that only our God can.  Or to try to help do what only the Holy Spirit can - which is to be the greatest comforter.  

** its strange but just now as I was typing this, it was like I remember when police yell "step away from the car " ...  and I can not help but feel God is reminding me - gently - its about me Joy - just let me do what I need to do in here - you keep praying, but it is me at work!  It's all about Him - in the midst of the valley - its all about Him. 

I can carry the role of interceding - that is something I can carry.  I can carry some of the help with meals, that is something I can do.  And,  In the meantime, I will keep praying for healing whether it is heaven or here -  and trust it all to HIM. 

Even if we don't understand any of it,  I believe that GODS GOT THIS.  And I will continue to do the things He does ask me to do and let go of the things that are HIS to carry.  And I pray.  

with love,

j