disclaimer: I hesitate to write about this - it is personal and real - but I believe that maybe one person who may read this, may be touched knowing that her/his struggle is real - and other Christians struggle too. I don't believe it is a lack of faith. I am not sure what exactly it is, but I hope that my sharing may impact you in some way.
I have a feeling we have all been in a struggle at one time or another. Or call it a wrestle. Maybe that is a better way of putting it. However, for me this wrestle is getting old, but none the less - a wrestle. Because for some reason, I just can not let go, nor can I feel like I have won. And maybe it isn't even something I can let go of, or win at. Maybe this is just my life, and I need to acknowledge it - and let God move in it. I always think that I am giving it to him - but then it seems like I have taken it back ~ over and over an over again. While I do not believe it is a lack of faith - maybe it is? What IS at the core of all this? Or maybe it is just my enneagram type speaking LOL.
My wrestle is with self-worth. (and maybe this is tied up with self-esteem) Yep, there it is - in black and white. Joy wrestles with self-worth. I don't just wrestle once in a while - it is a day in day out tangible awareness.
How does that happen? Is it something from growing up? Is it something that has happened along my adult years? Is it something that I have missed out on? When did this become a wrestle?
As a young child, I don't remember ever feeling like my self-worth was in jeopardy. Maybe I experienced it a bit (that being my self-worth) as a young adult... but I remember still feeling pretty good about myself lol. My adult years, as a wife, and a mom, and now a granny my wrestle with self-worth has been real! Oh. So. Real. Yes, I know - YOU'D THINK I WOULD HAVE THIS FIGURED OUT .. but not at all.
Back in 2013 when I went back to Glen Eyrie Retreat and Conference Centre, for my attendance at NewWay Ministry Next Step (school of spiritual direction, part 2) I had an encounter with God, that literally had me come undone. So many tears ... so many words to the Holy Spirit ... so many thoughts. And let me share with you what I think was the "bottom line" on this encounter - the LORD said to me "you want women to come and encounter me, and see their worth in the eyes of the Living God, and yet you do not believe it for yourself." Yep ... that is what He said. And being God, you know that HE was accurate in his claim about me.
Our ministry was full of that, of pointing women to the LORD for their worth, but I did not believe it for myself it seemed. God met me as I turned the key into my room door that night, and completely brought me to this strong admittance. And in my tears I came before Him acknowledging that this was my struggle.
That was 7 years ago this November . SEVEN YEARS. I remember more of what Larry said when I shared in class. He spoke specifically to us women. He told us that "You have to go to the Father first - as His affirmation of you, and your self worth is ALL THAT MATTERS and IF you get your self-worth affirmation from your work, or family, or from. your spouse - THAT is a bonus. Dr. Crabb underscored for us that what we get from people is okay, but all we should really need is the Father's affirmation of us!
I knew this then ... and I know this now. I know that I am a daughter of the most High, and that in this life, I need to live for HIM, and to get my worth from HIM. But almost 7 years later, I gotta tell you, I am still struggling to believe it for myself. What is that about?
Last week I had a sweet friend retreating here. Our friendship began a year and a half ago when she came for a retreat - totally worn out by the demands in her life - but boy did I see God work in her. It was amazing to host her again last week for a few days - and to be able to sit with her a couple times to hear what God was up to. Again, I could hear myself telling her what I felt God needed me to say but it was in her sharing with me, that God used the words again to remind me - that oh He loved me so much, and I was so precious in His eyes, and so valued! Later we texted and I thanked her and told her that what she said was "so timely" ... love how God does that - uses her to speak into my life with exactly the reminders I needed to hear!!
So I hear those reminders. And I say YES LORD. But then, I realize within a short time, that I am still caught in the wrestle.
I realize that my self-worth is so intricately wrapped around body-image. Thing is, I have been told that I just need to love myself, but somehow I can not love myself "like this" (usually associated wtih # on a scale) I can not let go of that part of my self-worth because the thing is, I KNOW I want to live healthier, and I also know for me (diabetes in family history) that I feel better when I weigh less. The thing also about my self-worth and body image is that I want to live longer for my family, and what I am doing borders at times on self destruction. I hate to admit this, but yes, my weight is so tied to my self worth ... working with the LORD on this part. Because what I have found, as much as you can tell a person that their body image should not be tied into self-worth - it just is. Speaking for myself anyhow.
My self-worth is also so bound by lies that the enemy has me believing and I do believe it is the enemy/satan that is at the root of these. Maybe you don't struggle with lies about yourself. But I do. Last night I laid in bed, Alvin's arm around me, darkness, and God was speaking to me in that quietness about these lies. Believing I am not worth .... believing I don't have things to offer ... believing that I am not beautiful because of ... Oh yes, those thoughts were all there in the quietness of the night. He was bringing them to my attention. There in the dark, the Father was showing me that they occupy my thought life, and become "truths" that are not at all true!! ANd the most loving thing is that when the Father brings these to light - it exposes it and the verse from the gospel of John where Jesus tells his disciples that "the thief comes only to kill, steal and destroy ..." oh my goodness, I get it. But refuting the lies of the enemy is not for the faint of heart!!
My self worth (I want it to be) is about the last part of that verse ... Jesus did not just tell them about the thief coming to kill steal and destroy and leave it there .... oh no - this is the best part!! Jesus said, "but I have come to give life to the full!" The exclamations are all mine!! You see, whether or not the "thief" was the enemy satan, I like to think that this is what this verse means. We are in the real world - none of us would deny that. And I think that in this world we live in - there are many things that are stolen, or compromised, or destroyed - and for me, believing in these lies are like that because it robs me of the fullest life that Jesus says I can have because of him.
I also love The Passion Translation and it says it like this:
And in the quietness of this room, as I am writing this blog on my computer, I am hearing my LORD speak to me, so I am going to go about just typing what I am hearing Him say, and letting you in on our intimate conversation as it unfolds over the next half hour or so, I don't always share my God-conversations, but today, at this time, as it seems okay for me to do this:
"Joy, it is not because of your looks, your talents or abilities....
Not because of your weight, or your gifts or your service...
It is not because of anything you do in ministry for me
Or in service for others.
NO!!
Joy, you are so worth it because before you were knit in your mother's womb, I knew you Daughter. You were fearfully and wonderfully made, and I knew everything about you from before, and to now, and beyond. I hear your words, your cries, and feel your pain. I know that you have a hard time believeing it when other people tell you something. I hear you answer, "ya, sure" to them, while inside feeling like what they just said is nice but that they are just saying that.
Joy I know you are not sure where this comes from and sometimes that is the thing that causes you to stop in your tracks, as if knowing 'WHY" would make you feel different. Sometimes you wonder if other people struggle with self-worth as much, and how you can move past it and just believe who I am saying you are to me!
I want you to know Daughter of mine, that I love you with a love beyond description. Your value, and your worth can not be put into words, but the picture I want to give you child, is the picture of my son on the cross. That is how much worth you have!! My son died for you and rose again. This is the love that we have for you because you are worth his death!
I see you. I can feel your resistance to let me take this once and for all, but Joy, you need to surrender these lies and let me bury them at the foot of the cross for you. The cross where my Son paid for your sin. Let me take that burden.
Come Daughter, give the struggle to me. Lay it down and rest. Then believe the truths I am about to tell you. That you are precious in my sight, and that I call you by name. That you are my Beloved. That there is nothing that you can DO to earn your worth - I give it to you, because of my great love. The truth that I am around you, before, behind, above, beneath - and hem you in. You know, those are the verses you love to recite. I have heard you doing that.
Come Daughter. Rest. Listen. Believe. Recall.
You are more precious to me than gold or silver, rubies or diamonds. Human words can not describe my words of love and worth for you. So trust me on it Joy.
Trust Me.
I love you Beloved. Love yourself too! And know that you are mine - completely mine. I've got this - and lean into me for your assurance, affirmation and self-worth.
Joy, I love you. I've got this."
So ... He has spoken.
LORD GOD give me the strength to keep surrendering the lies satan wants to feed me, at the foot of the cross and to carry YOUR truth hidden in my heart, ready to speak out loud when those times come!
Friend, if this was for YOU today - if that is why I was supposed to bare my soul, so that you could also be spoken to - then I am glad. In HIM we have freedom - and so let us walk in that!!
written with love,
j
ps: I came across this sketch - and it speaks to my heart - I don't know who the artist is, but it was on a blog by The Sabbath Recorder.
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