16

Today, July 24th.  16 years. (seems like yesterday, seems like forever)

My body seems to keep the time, and days before today, it moves into a different space, emotionally, but also physically.  I feel that a special date is coming.  A date that we had patiently and with great joy, waited for.  And a date that we then saw our joy turn to grief in the greatest sorrow ever.  

Today marks the day that our firstborn grandchild Jay Benjamin was born silently, and went from the warm comfort of his Momma's body, into the arms of Jesus who knew him before he was created.  (Psalm 139)

I have thought of how for all those months, he heard his Momma's heartbeat, and his Momma and Daddy's voice.  All of the dreams for him ....    

I often watch his brothers Everett and Roger and imagine that since they are both such a beautiful combination of their parents, that they would also look a lot like their big brother Jay.  

This day will be permanently etched into our hearts and our minds.  If you asked us, we could tell you sights, sounds, feelings, the things we did ...  but the thing is some people forget, and to be honest, why should others remember the pain and grief of another?   

Some people have implied that we should "get over it", that we had talked long enough, or maybe we had not gotten "through it " because we mentioned him so much.  You know, one just has to give that to God, and forgive people for saying the darnedest things lol because the truth is, no one knows the pain of losing a baby, your son, your grandson, your great grand son, unless you have walked it yourself.   So one has to forgive.  BUT THE THING IS ... losing a baby, a child, a grandson is something you never get over, or get through, but time does have a way of moving on and grief doesn't seem so raw.  However, you always remember.  The body does keep score.  And our hearts have a missing piece in them.

I look back at that year - all that it held - writing in my journal on that first day of 2008, and once I wrote out my favourite verse about God having a plan and a purpose for my life -  "LORD I give you this year, all that it has from this first day, January 1, 2008 until Dec 31st, 2008.  I do not know what this year holds, but I know that you hold it."    It is very easy to say that we know that, and that we trust the One who holds us and is Sovereign ... but that day, well just let me say, I asked alot of WHY's??  I know that it is easy to trust when you are on the mountain top but so hard when you are in the valley - but my goodness - I don't ever want to be in a valley without my God!

I turned 50 that year.  Today I am 66 and I look back and see all the things - all the life that has happened.  And I realize that walking with God does not mean everything is roses.  But it does mean that in the hardest things, I know who is giving me the strength to walk the journey and to be honest, sometimes the walking is more like laying face down, scraped, muddy, messy, covered with tears  - and then trying to crawl.

Today I am thankful - for those months that we got to anticipate holding our grandson Jay Benjamin.  For those weeks of anticipation.  For watching him grow inside his Momma.  Today I am thankful for the gift of family.  For being able to weep and grieve together, to hold one another up, to sing together through tears, but also to walk forward knowing that everything of worth is created through the hardest of times.  I believe we have seen strength within our small tribe.   I know it as our strength as a family was put to a great test again over the past year.   I am thankful for my husband and kids cause I know that we have one another.

Would I wish our Jay was with us - well that is a dumb question.  Of course I do.  This year he would have be blowing our 16 candles, and would likely have his license.   And I have a feeling he would also love football like his Momma's side of the family, and hockey like his Dad.  I have a feeling he would be close to his brothers and would show the kindness, love and family ties that his brothers show.  I have a feeling he would love all his grandparents.  But in the meantime, I imagine him in heaven - not as the baby we held, but as the best age ....  I had a sweet vision of him once (I believe it was 2014) when I was at  Sunnyside - and he was a teen.  I guess we won't know till we get to heaven, but I do believe there will be some big heavenly hugs.

Yesterday I had to smile - as I always open my "fortune" cookies at chinese restaurants ... and mine said "the best is yet to come."  People who know me, know that I believe this - the best IS yet to come.  I am enjoying this life here (for the most part) but I believe that the best really is ahead - when I meet Jesus face to face, and all of the loved ones that have gone to heaven - and that includes our Jay.  There is always a sense of missing him, but one day - I will see him, and we can talk.  Granny to Grandson.   

So today, I will do what I like to do on this day - I will go and put down some daisies - to remember his life - a live lived only within his Momma, but I will also remember that one day this time of missing him, will be no more.    We love you even though we did not get to know you. So, until Heaven Jay Benjamin. 

Always in my heart, my thoughts, 

Love your Granny J