Yesterday

Yesterday
All my troubles seemed so far away
Now it looks as though they're here to stay
Oh I believe in yesterday...

Those are the words to part of a song from the Beatles - not sure why they came to mind - perhaps since I wrote the word YESTERDAY at the top of my blog!

Anyhow - back to YESTERDAY (and not the song!) Although I do love the beatles. Sorry - sometimes it feels like my thoughts are going a million miles an hour - and they are all over. It is like I am talking and listening and then out of the blue - I am distracted! Just temporarily though!! My kids have laughed about this, but I know that I need to work at keeping focused!! Sometimes I feel like I am working with some ADHD behaviour that I recognize in myself. Personally, I think the scatteredness is still a part of the grief.

So, back to yesterday!
I had to drop off Alvin to meet the guys and go to their BLUE JAY FAMILY WORKS job - and then I headed to curves at 7 am. Since I was done and showered by 8 I spent the next hour at my FAVORITE hang-out - you guessed it, MOUNTAIN BEAN. I took in my Bible, my journal, and some bible study work - still working through the study by Beth Moore on ESTHER.

It is amazing what can be done over a good cup of coffee. Yesterday I treated myself and had cream in it. Ummmm.

I want to share the verses that have become dear to me - with no commentary.
Read them and see if they bless your heart the same way!

Psalm 119: 37
"Turn my eyes from worthless things and give me life through your Word."

Psalm 119: 92 & 93
"If your instruction hadn't sustained me with joy - I would ahve died in my misery. I will ever forget your commandment for by them you give me life!"

Isaiah 26:8
"Lord we show our trust in you by obeying your laws. Our hearts desire is to glorify your name."

Now, I want to share something else from the book - A CALL TO DIE: 40 days of fasting from the world and feasting on the Word.

What does it look like for the Spirit to be alive in me?
think of the acryonym MAP
M- the Spirit's work is a MYSTERY!
A- our life becomes an ADVENTURE!
P- seeing Him at work deepens our PASSION for Him!


And last but not least - today I was studying Esther chapter 4 with Beth Moore.
I love the way that woman teaches and just brings the Word of God to Life!
Today she was talking about how Esther had a CHOICE. (to go to the King and plead for her people) at the risk of being put to death. Esther FACED THE FEAR!
Did you know that the most important frequent command in the Bible is DO NOT BE AFRAID! (I need to remember that!) and Esther faced her fear and TOOK THE COURAGE she was offered. If you don't know the story - then go to the Word of God and read the book of Esther. (which by the way, is my second name)

One thing Beth said was "you may be one brave decision away from the most important turn in your entire path!"

I have been thinking about that - about fear that keeps me paralyzed at times.
About courage - and how sometimes I feel like such a chicken heart!
About making decisions to follow - when I can't see. I realize this chapter in my life right now - I am truly walking by faith. Yep - a little afraid I guess.

God - please help me to make the right choice - to follow you - to listen to you say DO NOT BE AFRAID and blieve you enough to follow you out on the water!

Those are my thoughts for today - this rainy day - but sunny in my heart. I know that HE IS FAITHFUL -- even though I have walked through the valley of the shadow of death... HE IS FAITHFUL - I just need to hear him say, "Take Courage, It is I, do not be afraid!" O Lord, find me bold, find me courageous, find me willing to follow you - to LIVE, LIVE, LIVE - all out, fully, for you dear Lord. Amen.

and where does that come from?

I have come to see that my journey through the past year has been hard, and has also left us very changed, and also has had lasting ramifications, especially on friendships. That to me is very interesting, and yet not. I have come to analyze myself alot during this time as well - and also to analyze our (Alvin and my) response to people in the past. I know that I have said and done stupid things as well. Or said things that were very flippant, or very "christian". But there is another thing that I have come to understand - that only when you have walked in certain shoes, can you then walk alongside of another on the same path. For instance - I lost my mom one year, my dad the next. I believe that from that I have learned how to care and walk alongside of those who mourn the death of a mom or dad.
When I was 16 I said good-bye to my Granny. Man, did I love her! She was the mom of my mom. My granny was really with it! I loved staying over at her place when I was in my teens. She noticed everything about me - even when I got my hair trimmed. When she died - I thought I had lost everything! SO, I know how to walk alongside of someone when they lose a grandma --- or a grandpa (since being married I have lost an OPA,an OMI and an OMA and mourned them too.)

With having lost my little Jay - I know that I can walk alongside of other women who have lost grandchildren, or have tried to support children who have lost their babies. I know that since I have shared our story - more women than I could count, have also shared theirs with me. I would have never in my life EVER thought this would be part of our journey - but now, since I have walked in those shoes - I can walk alongside of another as they mourn the loss of grandchildren and children.

I have learned that these moccassins walk a million miles, and still learn new things on the pathway called LIFE. And, I have learned that it is only because of GOD that we can continue to rise up, to stand and to walk! One friend told me yesterday that she thought I was slowly turning the corner and regaining strength. Oh how right she is.

This life - oh this life - how hard it can be. How amazing it can be as well. In the midst of it - tomorrow our kids go for their second ultrasound, and Lord willing, will find out if their second child will be a little boy or little girl. Let me tell you that this Granny is getting excited about starting this little ones rag quilt.

Sometimes I wonder where exactly our thoughts come from. Sometimes they seem like they are buried deep deep down in places unknown, only to rise up to the surface as a surprise! I experienced that yesterday too. Within the past 5 days, I was privy to conversation about some parties that have happened - yesterday I was actually asked by my daughter if I had been invited. I wasn't and really, that is okay. The thing that feels so "like grade school" is the fact that when I realized that two friends had parties, and I wasn't invited - I felt left out. I know, I know - get a grip Joy. I don't have to be invited to everything - and what made me think I should be invited anyhow? Maybe I am not really a friend. I guess it was just that other people were surpised we weren't that then made me feel that I missed something. On the way home I was sharing with my husband that really, I didn't have to go to any parties, but that all of a sudden, I just feel like I am on the outside looking in. And the only thing I can say is - that is never a good feeling. And, it feels lonely. It is just one more way that makes me feel like so much has changed... so much.

Never quite know where our thoughts come from. It seems there are a million harnessed up and kept away, out of sight. Then once in a while - they rear their heads (and often it is their ugly heads!) I want to look forward - to look ahead. Somehow I keep wanting to look back - but it is only in forward thinking that I will really show my trust on God. Trusting...trusting...trusting....
Trusting when I my life is full of friends - and even when it is not.
Trusting when people question my decisions, but I know they are right.
Trusting when it feels lonely, even when I am amongst tons of people.
Trusting when the day is as dark as the night - and trusting when the Sun is shining so brightly that I have to squint.
Trusting in someone who I can't see - but I know is with me - every minute, every hour, every day - past present and future.
Trusting - it is easy when everything goes well - but man, when life gets hard - when you feel excluded - it is even harder!
Trusting when it feels like everything in life is changing - including you.

Jesus - you are the same - Yesterday - Today and forever.
You know my thoughts -
You know my days from start to finish.
You know everything about me - when I sit, stand, travel and rest.
You know everything I will say - and think.
You go before me, with me and behind me.
There is no where I can be without you. O Lord, THANK YOU!
You have made me - so wonderfully and so fearfully made!
You have made me for a purpose - and you will continue to do your work in me.
Search me - know my heart - test me - know my thoughts.
Oh Lord - my Lord and my God - lead me along the path of ever lasting life - and when things come up in my life - whether it be thoughts/feelings out of the depth of my soul where I thought I had buried them - help me to work through them - to give them to you, and to continue to walk with integrity, and with you as my guide.
I love you Lord.

17 again...

Tonight Leah and I decided to go out since we were home alone (in our respective homes) and the guys were at work. Ash and Mike are away at an extended family gathering. So Leah and I decided to go to supper and a movie. We decided to see a movie that Leah had actually seen, but thought worthy to see again. We had two choices but decided on the "funny" movie over the "sad" one. Seems we have already done so much crying, it was time for something to make us laugh.

So we decided to go to the cheap seats, and see "17". It was good. About a couple in their 40's whose marriage was on the rocks (divorce pending) because he kept blaming his wife for his choices as a young man. He, as a young 17 year old, decided to run out of a championship basketball game (where the scouts were watching him) to chase after his girlfriend (who was also pregnant with his child). He of course did not get the scholarship, and got married and had two kids, and a life that he thought had missed out on and blamed his wife for it. Anyhow,he gets a chance to be 17 again (although everyone else remains the same ages) .... I won't tell you the rest, you will have to go for yourself - but it has a happy ending. It is a clean movie really, and those are hard to come by. It was a feel good movie, which Leah and I both were wanting tonight.

So, it has made me think of when I was 17 - which some days, seems a long time ago!
At the age of 17, I had already been dating Alvin for almost a year! We met the first day of school (MBCI) grade 11 - and I was just a couple months over 16. We began dating (or in my days you used to call it "going steady") Alvin and I dated for almost 4 years, and got married at 20. And we haven't looked back since. Now, almost 31 years later - we thank God for the life He has blessed us with - for our children (2 biological, plus 2 through marriage) and for our little Jay who made us Granny and Poppa. We thank God for our extended families who love and support us - for our many friends who love us, pray for us and make us laugh! For the blessings God has given to us, in the form of our homes, our jobs, and many other blessings too numerous to count. We celebrate our anniversary in September - 31 years, on top of the almost 4 that we had dated - and that is a huge chunk of our lives.

My husband - he continues to love me, support me, and make me laugh. I think if there is something that has gotten us through life - it is the fact that as a family - we love to laugh together - and there is a strong sense of humor streak that runs through ---

Would I go back to being 17 - no. It was a good time - but my life just gets better and better with each year that I grow older - God continues to teach me so much and He continues to show me how much he loves me!!

I have been doing a book called "A CALL TO DIE - 40 days of fasting from the world and feasting on God"... and today I was reading about how our walk is represented by the acronym MAP.
First of all - God is a mystery to us. Boy do I know that - in fact, how often have we said about Jay - that why his little heart stopped, and God took him home before he breathed a breath - is a MYSTERY only God understands.

Our life with God is an ADVENTURE! I would be the first to say a huge amen to that.
My seatbelt is continually fastened! I feel like I am sitting on the edge of my seat waiting. Yesterday I was visiting the staff at Friends Funeral Home and they were asking me about the Vision, and leaving paid ministry, being without a job, etc... and whether I was scared or worried. I said no. I actually love the adventure that God is taking me on - and can hardly wait to see it unfold.

Our life with God is about PASSION for Jesus. Oh Jesus - I love you - and I just really want to fall more and more in love with you - enlarge my heart and passion for you, Jesus, lover of my soul.

When I was journaling about this, I remembered a time when I was asking the Lord to show me how to love him more. At that time, I had a dream. In my dream, I was in a house, on a bunk bed, and I was told that someone was there to see me. In walked the most handsome man, and came up to me, and called me by my name. I walked with him, and he put his arm around me, and told me he loved me. In my dream I asked him how he could love me when he didn't know me, to which he replied, "I just do."
The dream I had made me really ponder what it was all about. I realized it was not about a mystery man, nor was it about my husband but I felt it was a dream that God used to show me how much I am loved by the great BRIDEGROOM - Jesus.
This dream will always mean that for me.

When I look back at being 17 - I realize I loved the Lord, but now - I LOVE LOVE LOVE Him with a more mature and deeper love and understanding and passion. I can't quite explain it - and words don't do it justice. I just know that my passion and love for Jesus is far deeper at age 51 than it was at 17. Life has made it deeper - especially this past year. I know that without a doubt.

As I was thinking of this, this morning, the line from a song we sing at church, crossed my mind -
"Jesus, lover of my soul... Jesus, you will never let me go."

Oh Lord God - thank you - that you love me so much, that you remain a mystery than I will never understand, but will trust. Tha you also make my life with you and adventure - you are making this "lover of safety" live life FULLY - wow....thank you.
And Lord God - for the love and passion you have given me for you Jesus - thank you.
Amen.

a year later and still standing...

Well, we celebrated Jay's birthday with a party. It was the hardest of days but one where we were also able to celebrate his little life! Although his life is BIG as he lives to the fullest in Heaven. My eyes felt like they had gravel in them once again.

The rest of the weekend was a real "thought provoking" weekend - mainly because I had alot of "alone time" since Alvin was working. Yesterday I was on my way into church for the worship service - and caught up in my thoughts as per usual in my way into the city (the half hour drive makes for some great thinking time/talking with God time)..

And I hear the song from Casting Crowns - Praise you in the Storm. All of a sudden my heart lifted - it was like "God, this is for me!!" It ministered to the deep broken places still in my being - and yet it also ministered HOPE into those places.

So I want to share this with you.

When I look back, a year ago, I really wondered if we would be "standing" at this time - and God has carried us, tended to our wounds, given strength to legs that could hardly stand, picked us up and held us, wiped our tears, cried tears with us over and over and over again.

God, thank you. I will praise you in the storm. It is hard to do that, but you have shown yourself faithful over and over again - and especially in those times when I have found it hard to admit that you ARE faithful. Thank you God for loving me so much, to do that for me.

The song is based on the Psalm 121 which is one of my favorites!!

"I look up to the mountains - does my help come from there?
My help comes from the Lord who made heaven and earth!
He will not let you stumble;
the one who watches over you will not slumber.
Indeed, he who watches over Israel never slumbers or sleeps.
The Lord himself watches over you!
The Lord stands beside you as your protective shade.
The sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon at night.
The Lord keeps you from all harm.
and watches over your life.
The Lord Keeps watch over you as you come and go,
both now and forever."
Psalm 121 NLT

For those of you reading this - take heart and be encouraged. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the words! I hope they minister to you as well.

These are the words:
Praise You in This Storm words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms
I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day.
But once again,
I say amen and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone
how can I carry on if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away

Chorus

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the maker of heaven and earth

Chorus

This Video Clip is from UTube - Casting Crowns - Praise you in this Storm
I hope I have downloaded it correctly - I am a little of an illiterate in the computer area -

Jesus will you please tell little Jay...

Jesus -
how I wish I could see my little grandson on his birthday - but Jesus I know that you are celebrating with him!
Would you tell Jay a few things for me?
First of all will you tell him how much I miss him. And how much I look forward to seeing him one day soon.
I know Jesus that to you, time means nothing, and to Jay - when he sees his mommy and daddy and us all - it will seem like a mere moment, while to us it seems like an eternity.

Can you tell him how much we have looked at his pictures and imagined what he looks like in heaven?
Somehow I have a picture of him being a "rough and tumble" little guy - with a big smile and lots of his mommy's curls.

Can you tell Jay how much his poppa misses him, and wishes that he was here wandering around the shop, trying to pick up tools, maybe petting Louis or Oreo.
His poppa had so many dreams and hopes of what they would do together - please tell Jay that his poppa misses him so much.
But we can only imagine how his great poppa and great granny and great grandpa are all enjoying Jay Benjamin.
Sometimes I imagine how they must laugh together, and run, and play, and likely he sits often with them, as they tell him stories.
Jesus - maybe you can tell my mom, my dad and my father in law - we miss them too, but we are so glad they are with Jay.

Can you tell Jay about his mommy and daddy. Although I figure that they have continually asked you to tell Jay things from them. Tell Jay how much he made them laugh when he was still inside his mommy. In fact, Jay made us all laugh.

Can you tell Jay how much we have loved how you and the Father have given us "blue jays" in our everyday life - and how we feel they are kisses from heaven to us - to remind us that Jay was such a gift, and that you Lord, continue to remind us that we are loved, even though we feel robbed.

Jesus - can you give Jay an extra big hug or two or three or more - from me. Tell him how much I wish I could hug him in person, but that will have to wait till we meet again.
Jesus please sing happy birthday to him - and tell him that today we are celebrating his life.
Jesus - can you please make him laugh alot today - even while we weep here below.
And Lord - can you also tell him that he will always be in our lives - and in our hearts - always.
Tell him that he is my first grandson - my first grandbaby - and will always hold that place in my heart.

Jesus tell him that I wish he was here so I could see his expression when he felt the wind across his face, or saw the beautiful color of the tiger lilys, or when he felt the fur of the cats. Tell him I wish he was here so I could smell him, and feel the softness of his skin, and look at his little fingers.
Tell him I wish he was here to makes us smile and laugh.

But in the meantime Jesus - thank you for being the one that is running, laughing, watching, playing and holding him. Really - he is in the greatest hands of all.
But oh how I wish they were mine.

Tell my grandson - Jay Benjamin - I love you so very much. Happy Birthday Jay.
love
Granny

mOrning thOts

My Personal Psalm:
A persona psalm of Joy, regarding a time when I was in a spiritual wilderness of life(Inspired after being led to read Psalm 63 during quiet reflection time on my spiritual retreat day off from work ~ July 22, 2009)

O God.
God ~ you are MY God
How I have searched for you.
My head knows you are right here, but my heart ~
My heart felt like you were a long way off.
The wilderness ~ dry, cracked, barren
I thirsted for your healing water
I LONGED to feel the warmth of your hand on my shoulder
The cool nights in the wilderness made me shiver and share
And I sometimes collapsed under the heat of the day ~ only to stay in a curled up ball during the chill of the dark nights
The dark ~
It never seemed to end
Day upon day ~ night upon night
And yet ~ I remembered your faithfulness to me in the past
And although I accused you of not being faithful ~
O God – in my heart I KNEW and still KNOW that YOU are.
I, in my limited vision ~ don’t see the full view.
In my limited understanding ~ don’t get it.
You remain mysterious in many ways,
And yet ~
And yet I trust!
Because I know ~ in spite of my pain and overwhelming loss ~ I know you are in control
And I know ~ in spite of our deep grief ~ you also weep with us.
As I put my head upon your chest and heart you heart ~ it beats with mine.
And as I sit wrapped in your presence ~ I feel the wetness of your tears falling and mingling with mine.
O how you love me. O Jesus.

O God ~ You are my God.
God of compassion ~
God who allows “life” to happen ~ the good ~ the bad ~ the ugly
And yet, you are right here to pick me up, to dust me off, to hold me and to carry me
And all along I keep hearing you whisper:
“I’m with you. Trust, even though you don’t understand.
I love you. Trust me on this!”
O God, You are my God
I search for you daily
My soul thirsts ~
But you refresh me through your Word and through your presence with me
I see you all over ~
Your fingerprints over creation and on life around me
Your love is extravagant ~ unconditional and unfailing
I bask in it. It covers me completely – love mixed with amazing grace.
You give me a “picture” as I write…
O Lord! It’s me isn’t it?
The picture is of a woman standing under a waterfall ~ head tilted upwards ~ arms raised high ~ water cascading down on me ~
On my face ~
My head ~
My shoulders ~
My body.
Every part of my being covered
Washed
Refreshed
Renewed
And I am smiling.
How I praise you.
Help me O Lord to praise you as long as I live.
And Lord ~ renew my mind
Renew my passion for you ~
My passion for serving you with all my being ~
For living ALL OUT! For YOU!

As I go to sleep at night ~ may my last thoughts as I drift into sleep ~be about you.
Pour into me while I sleep.
Speak to me ~ O Lord, please continue to speak to me through dreams and visions and through amazing “pictures” that you give to me.

As I walk through my waking moments ~ may I begin my day with you in praise and thankfulness.
May joy fill my soul each morning.

You hold me fast.
As I cling ~ I know that nothing can tear me out of your right hand
O Lord, what a comfort that is to know ~
That no matter how hard ~ how deep ~ how rough ~ how dark ~ how rocky ~ how stormy ~ no matter how many times I rant and rave or question you ~
That NOTHING can take me from your hand.
O Lord – thank you.

In my life – I will come across those who want to prove me wrong ~ to discourage me or to discredit your faithfulness to me
Some who speak may cause hurt ~
Some may cause confusion ~
There may be times of loneliness and pain ~
Times of misunderstanding and brokenness.
But Lord, help me to keep my eyes on YOU.

My walk with you ~ journey ~ is all that counts!
O Lord, find me faithful.
Help me to remember that when I feel down or discouraged ~ that I still need to rejoice in You
Because I KNOW what you have done in my past!
I KNOW what you are doing in my present.
And I KNOW that you will be as faithful in my future – even though I can’t see it.
That is a little scary being what we have walked through – or maybe I shouldn’t say scary but it is definitely blind trust – as I have no clue what the next day or days – the next month or months – the next year or years will hold.
BUT I know that YOU O God – YOU – hold the future, which includes my life and the lives of those I love.
And I will praise you ~
Father God, the great I AM
Jesus, my Lord and my Redeemer – and Holy Spirit who dwells within me.
Let all that is within me – Praise the Lord.
Hear my prayer.
Amen

looking forward to tomorrow

It is late. Contrary to the time that it shows on the bottom of the post - it is never correct - it is almost 11 pm. It has been a good day. Somehow whenever I begin with exercise at Curves - it just "sets" the day off well. A "pastoral roundtable" usually held in the senior pastor's office - today, the three of us women pastors met for breakfast at Perkins, and did our meeting there - devotional, heart check, meeting agenda and prayertime. It was good. It is different when it is just us girls - for no other reason than we are just women and are able to share in a very transparent way. No offense to men (smile) but somehow women are just a little more free to share. I love working with the women in our office - Pastor of Worship Theresa, Youth Pastor Shauna and office admin. Meggie.... I will miss these women who make me laugh daily!

The day was actually quite full of women encounters! A long conversation with my close friend Kim - she always seems to know when to call. I love that about Kim. Then a meeting with another woman who it was great talking to - and I was able to get a hug from my daughter Ash since she worked in the same office - and I had a fun chat with Ash and Carmyn (about a half hour long chat) before I left to return to the NK area of the city, so that I could finish my day in conversation over coffee with my longest standing friend Josie, who has been in my life for over 40 years.

I realize how God puts friends in our life - who are there to listen - to talk - to challenge - to help us sort through our messiness!! God, thank you for my friends - and for the way you have created women to be responders, compassionate and caring.

So now here I am - and figure I will get to bed. Somehow I feel like I will sleep well tonight. Alvin has fallen asleep in the lazy boy chair again. Who ever named such a chair!! Somehow it doesn't suit my husband - his is the least laziest man I have ever met... ever. I just love that guy!!

Tomorrow is my spiritual retreat day. I am not sure where I am going to spend it. Last month I went to Sunnyside cemetary and spent a good portion of my day there -
I may just stay put at home tomorrow - OR perhaps find a nice park and take my lawnchair. Time will tell. One thing I know - I am looking forward to spending time wtih my "Father".

I have a feeling that there are things we will talk about - me and God. I love that about Him. I love that he speaks to us! So, I will go to sleep and look forward to a day retreating with the Lord!

I keep hearing the phrase from a song - and it is my prayer especially for tomorrow.
"Spirit of the Living God - fall afresh on me!"

Night! This girls has to go and try to get some beauty sleep! (smile)