Joy, do you trust me?

I have a picture in my mind, it is of a person with one arm extending backward, and one extending forward.  I have tried to google it as it is in my mind and seemed to come to me this morning after my early morning time with God.  God has been waking me up early.  I say that it is God because it is different than when for instance, I roll over, or wake up to grab the pillow that fell over the edge of the bed, or wake to go to the washroom.  When God wakes me, it is different.  This has been happening for a number of months, and I would love to say that I am always faithful in getting up, but well, I have not been.  You see, the time I have been woken is between 3 and 4 am.  There have been times when I have just rolled over.  Times when I said, "sorry LORD I really need to sleep" but there have also been times when I get up, come upstairs to meet the LORD.  Sometimes well okay, often I have come up, and when it came time to pray, I hate to say it, but I often fell asleep.  Last night before I went to bed, I got the table ready.  I decided I would not sit in the comfy chair, but in a dining room chair.  I put the candle out, my journal and Bible, and my cup under the keurig for the first cup of coffee.  Then I went to bed asking the LORD to wake me, as I was ready to meet him.  SO HE DID.

This morning, part of the time with the LORD was in listening to see if there were people that I was to pray for, and there were.  But there was also time I just spent talking with the LORD about my life.  Moreso, about this chapter of my life.  Moreso, about being in this "in between" period, about feeling like I am now in a "room" between a door that was shut, and a door that is about to open.  As I often do, I journal my conversational prayer time with the LORD in my journal.  

I was taken to one of my favourite scripture portions.  Psalm 40:1-3 NIV

I waited patiently for the Lord;
    he turned to me and heard my cry.
 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
    out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
    and gave me a firm place to stand.
 He put a new song in my mouth,
    a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the Lord
    and put their trust in him.

Then in my journal I wrote the following excerpts:

"LORD, what do you have for me now as I wait...

40 days ...

I looked over the psalm and in this David, the psalmist received a whole new mindset which seems obvious in the last bit of the Psalm 40.  David received a deeper, surer peace.  And then I wrote:

I'm tired.  I'm weary. 

Am I able to sing a new song of turst and peace, of freedom and hope?

LORD help me to wait.  Holy Spirit please grow me and grow in me!"

With that, I drank another sip of coffee, turned off my heating pad, blew out my candle and decided to go downstairs back to bed (at this point, I was done at 5:20 am)

I walked down the steps,  and I heard the words "Do you trust me on that" .... and then I got the picture of which I was talking about ... it was a picture of me with one hand reaching back and one reaching forward.  Nothing else.  Okay, yes, lest you think I was dreaming, I do hear the voice of God, and have for a very long time.  Also God speaks to me in pictures as well.  So, this was not abnormal.   However.... Not sure what I was reaching towards.  Maybe it was the doorknob of the door that I just shut .... and the other hand reaching to open the door when the LORD says, step through.  

I hopped into bed, pulled up the comforter and said, "Yes LORD I trust you that .."   I believe He was talking to me about this in between waiting time which has felt like it has been for-ever!!

You know when I wrote 40 days in my journal I was thinking of what I had just listedn to lately from Lectio 365 (which I really suggest you do!). and it was about the 40 days that Jesus was with his disciples before he ascended back to heaven.  And how He told them to wait for the promised Holy Spirit to come to and upon them.

40 always has a significance so when I wrote it, it also had a significance for me.  40 seems like a lot.  Not for the Israelites it was 40 YEARS.  For Jesus in the wilderness it was 40 days.  For Jesus after the resurrection, he was on earth for 40 Days till he went home to be with his Father God.  40 is significant as a number.

I was sharing with my kids that I heard a song the other day.  It resonated so deeply with me.  I told them that if I get another tattoo, it may just be the number 41.  

Listen to the song, it is so incredibly beautiful.  You will understand why I would get the number 41.The lyrics say:  While You're preparing something. My waiting′s not for nothing. Forty-one is coming

SO, with that, I am still in the 40 it feels like but I can tell 41 IS coming!!

That's it for now - hope I made sense.

from my heart with love,

 J

 

Please take a listen <3

https://youtu.be/yOC5Y5dMOpY?si=2rCl5TZdFBhi4Ziz

Where you go I'll go ...

"Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God."  Ruth 1:16b

Yesterday I sat in church listening to Pastor Daniel speak on "Bitter Loss" and the text was Ruth 1:6-22.  The story about Naomi and her two Moabite daughter in laws.  And how she urged them to not come with her (after the men in the family had all died) but Ruth spoke the famous words to her mother in-law, that are listed at the top.  "Where you go, I will go and where you stay, I will stay.  Your people will be my people and your God my God."

And these words of Scripture, it took me back almost 48 years to our wedding day.  I asked Alvin about that verse as well and he remembered that we spoke it to one another.  Little did we know hey, what life would send our way.  But here we are almost 48 years later, and we are still in the same place, and we serve our God together.

The sermon made me think a lot about not only the story of Naomi and her daughter in law Ruth, but also about our story, Alvin and I together.  I will be the first to admit that it has not always been easy but then again no one told us that marriage was easy.  In fact I have come to believe that nothing of value comes easy.  Not a single thing!! If life was so easy, I think we would take things for granted much more than we have.

Life has never been easy, but it has been good.  It makes me think of how diamonds come from intense pressure ... and gold and silver are refined under intense heat.  So why would I expect an easy life, with no heat, no pressure lol.  

I actually love the story I heard about the silver smith.  

The story of the Silversmith: “And he shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver” (Mal. 3:3). This puzzled a Bible study group. One of the members offered to learn about the process of refining silver and inform them at their next study. He visited a silversmith and watched him at work. He watched the silversmith hold a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. The silversmith explained that in refining silver, you must hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest to burn away all the impurities. The member then thought about God holding us where the flames are the hottest to burn away our impurities. Then he thought again about the verse. “And he shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver.” He asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire and watch the process at all times.

The silversmith answered that not only did he have to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was tested in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed. You must leave it long enough to serve the purpose, but not too long as it would destroy it. The member was silent for a moment. Then asked the silversmith, “How do you know when silver is fully refined?” He smiled and answered, “Oh, that’s easy — when I see my image in it.” (Author Unknown).

This story really makes me smile as I know that I want the LORD to be reflected in me, and I want to reflect HIS likeness!!  That makes all the intensity of life worth it I think.  Sometimes when I am in the midst of it, perhaps I feel differently, but it usually doest last too long, and I am back wanting HIM to do his work in me.

I am glad that Alvin and I spoke those words to one another back on our wedding day because I know we are in this together.  May we continue to keep our eyes on Jesus because that is who we have chosen to follow for forever - till we see him face to face in Heaven!

So with that, I am thankful for Pastor Dan's sermon on Ruth, and can't wait to hear what else he is going to speak on!  If you need a church to come to - we would welcome you at ours, Kilcona Park Alliance Church!

Keep following Jesus friends!!

Only God Knows...

Only God Knows...

I remember this feeling

from 16 years ago

The feeling in my stomach so tangible

A mixture of excitement meets angst

And takes a seat together

The place I drive to with my son is familiar

Heading in

Signing in

Sitting down

To wait

To listen

To speak

To feel all the feels within an hour and a half

Only to leave with something tabled for the next month

Just a month *sigh

What is a month in light of the last year?

I have to laugh or else I would cry

But the tears did come in waves

Once I was home safe.

I felt so certain of this night

We had so many praying for this decision

The decision that involved our house and its last "condition"

The decision that would mean the deal was solid 

All conditions met for the sale

But in the end, and with my permission on behalf of Alvin and I

We chose to give permission for tabling of #1 on the agenda for the night

Driving home my eyes welled with tears as my son spoke

I was so sure

So. Very. Sure.

That I had the confidence that God was going to move tonight

And instead I felt like I was hearing the words, 

“I was just fooling”

The tears ran down my cheeks and my sobs came out

Sobs that have been deep and held within for a very long time

Sobs that were deeper than what just happened tonight

But tonight was the catalyst to breaking the dam and letting them roll

I thought I was okay with waiting.

I thought I could walk alongside of Alvin as he went through all this with his eye

I thought that we would learn in the waiting, and perhaps even grow in it

And in the moment, none of that mattered

And I realized this felt all too familiar

From last year, where we were trusting God on a church purchasing our place

To do ministry like we had been

And months later, it came to a screaming halt

Questions - were we wrong?  Did we just incorrectly assume God wanted us to allow them to  look into the purchase of our home?

Were we wrong?  We didn’t believe so. 

Even when it came to an end - we still believed we held our hands open for God to move.

So why tonight, does it feel like we have been here before 

So why tonight, do I feel like I am hearing those words “I was just fooling”

It brought some memories back around

Years ago

Actually in 2009, and then again I think it was 2016, I was so incredibly sure that I was hearing God on two different things

So sure.

It was tested.  It seemed true

Until it wasn’t.  

Those two times of "certainty" I thought

Until the “double blessing/twins” turned to a single much loved baby

And years later, the operation proved that the cancer was still there.

“But God - that is not what seemed SO SURE…

There was the (I thought) promise of double blessing

There was (I thought) word that there would be no cancer.

and tonight it was (I thought) 

that the conditional use request would be granted 

I was stumped.

I was at our teaching Tuesdays session last week, 

The session on healing prayer

And I said, “the hardest thing is to believe you heard the voice of God loud and clear, 

And then you realize what you were so sure about - did not happen”

And it leaves you doubting

If you heard

If it really was God’s voice that you recognized

And if it was, then why in the world, did what you believe would happen, NOT happen?

I am sure this is the sentiment of many

We want to pray boldly and believe

We want to have a dynamic faith 

We want to see God’s hand move in our lives

We want ….

You know what I am saying, in fact, I would venture to say that this may have also been your deja vu moment too at some point in your lfie...

So it was tonight

So many people were praying

So many people had said “it is going to work out”

So many people were standing behind us as we prayed and fasted about all of this.

But nothing happened tonight

And we have to wait ONE. MORE. MONTH.

Which seems like a year, even if it is just a month.

I realize that Satan is a deceiver, and he is also an imitator

He tries to get us to believe what he is saying may be the truth

When I heard the words “I was just fooling”  ~ I foolishly said, I felt it was God saying that

Shame on me

Because if anyone knows the goodness and faithfulness of God, it is me.

But I was feeling sad, and abandoned, and led along ..

And down right discouraged.

But God was not fooling me ...

Everyone around me is saying: 

This is still a part of the plan God has, even if we do not see it

People were actually “lifting up my arms” even though they may not have realized they were

People said they would continue to pray

They would continue to surround us

And yet - the feeling of abandonment was real 

And as I write this our Pastor Daniel’s sermon from Sunday comes echoing back to me

“Biblical faith leaves room for hurt, pain, lament.  Room to feel empty and disoriented”

I nod my head "yes"

“God is still at work even if he seems hidden”

Again I nod "yes"

And then to conclude, about how we go about this loss in our lives, Pastor Daniel suggested (from my notes on Sunday, hope Pastor Dan doesn't mind) 

1. Be honest with God about your pain.  Faith is not absence of sorrow but bringing  it all into his presence.
2. Emptiness does not mean God is ablest
3. Hold onto this - that God is still writing the story of your life!  HE IS NOT FINISHED.  Jesus knows all the feelings of pain, rejection, loss - and at the cross he took our deepens emptiness so the emptiness would not have the final word!!  

And after telling a couple people that I felt like God was saying, 

“Sorry, Just fooling” 

I realized that if I was hearing anything, 

it was likely the enemy using this to get me down, 

and to not believe that God was interested in our stuff.  

It was likely the enemy telling me that God doesn’t answer prayers, 

and that mine were insignificant.

Thing is - I KNOW THEY ARE NOT INSIGNIFICANT.

I realize that God is not absent.  

He is with me - and in all of these decisions.

And, as a few already have reminded me - 

One day, we will look back and see exactly what God is up to!

So I say, Devil - 

I am not listening to your words, as you pretend to be speaking to me - 

and Go back to hell where you belong - 

you have no right to speak a word! You are a liar and a counterfeiter

My Jesus is victorious.

I say Holy Spirit, thank you 

for working within me even in the flow of tears.  

It seems they came out from deep within, 

as if I have been storing the up for a while, 

and truth be told ~ I have been.

And Jesus - oh how you love us, 

and know all the intimate details of our lives.  

Thank you for others that dared to get into our journey 

and hold up our arms during this wait.

Thank you for the village around us.  

Thank you for showing me that you are still at work.

We know that to be true.

A long time ago, when we closed down ministry at the end of October, 

I said that I believed we had closed a door 

and were standing in the threshold waiting to step through the next door.

Well, I feel like the “Threshold” has taken on a room of its own.  

There is nothing on the walls, 

or in the room except for a big chair for me to sit in.  

I shared with my spiritual director, that this waiting period felt okay, and peaceful and I was okay to sit and wait in this "in between" time 

Two doors and a waiting space

 where up till tonight, I felt calm and collected in the waiting!  

So what were the tears about today?

Well, I believe my God knows 

that they were an acknowledgement of me being human

And feeling some “fatigue” with all that has been happening

And maybe just wanting to move forward, 

and feeling stalled once again.

May 26 is just a month away.

Thank you for praying for me, for us.

This affects all of us, not just Alvin and I, but our kids and grandkids.

We are in this together

In Leah’s words in a text tonight to me “I don’t know how God is going to work it all out - but I still strongly feel that will happen somehow….. getting our minds wrapped around some vision for the future 

but he is now giving time to process it. “

So on that note, I am going to hold fast to those words.

We are trusting that God is at work.  

That He is up to something bigger than we could ever ask or imagine.

I am currently writing a book, 

and I have a feeling this may be included in the last chapter.

Stay tuned!

And please keep praying.

May God be glorified in all of this!