Only God Knows...

Only God Knows...

I remember this feeling

from 16 years ago

The feeling in my stomach so tangible

A mixture of excitement meets angst

And takes a seat together

The place I drive to with my son is familiar

Heading in

Signing in

Sitting down

To wait

To listen

To speak

To feel all the feels within an hour and a half

Only to leave with something tabled for the next month

Just a month *sigh

What is a month in light of the last year?

I have to laugh or else I would cry

But the tears did come in waves

Once I was home safe.

I felt so certain of this night

We had so many praying for this decision

The decision that involved our house and its last "condition"

The decision that would mean the deal was solid 

All conditions met for the sale

But in the end, and with my permission on behalf of Alvin and I

We chose to give permission for tabling of #1 on the agenda for the night

Driving home my eyes welled with tears as my son spoke

I was so sure

So. Very. Sure.

That I had the confidence that God was going to move tonight

And instead I felt like I was hearing the words, 

“I was just fooling”

The tears ran down my cheeks and my sobs came out

Sobs that have been deep and held within for a very long time

Sobs that were deeper than what just happened tonight

But tonight was the catalyst to breaking the dam and letting them roll

I thought I was okay with waiting.

I thought I could walk alongside of Alvin as he went through all this with his eye

I thought that we would learn in the waiting, and perhaps even grow in it

And in the moment, none of that mattered

And I realized this felt all too familiar

From last year, where we were trusting God on a church purchasing our place

To do ministry like we had been

And months later, it came to a screaming halt

Questions - were we wrong?  Did we just incorrectly assume God wanted us to allow them to  look into the purchase of our home?

Were we wrong?  We didn’t believe so. 

Even when it came to an end - we still believed we held our hands open for God to move.

So why tonight, does it feel like we have been here before 

So why tonight, do I feel like I am hearing those words “I was just fooling”

It brought some memories back around

Years ago

Actually in 2009, and then again I think it was 2016, I was so incredibly sure that I was hearing God on two different things

So sure.

It was tested.  It seemed true

Until it wasn’t.  

Those two times of "certainty" I thought

Until the “double blessing/twins” turned to a single much loved baby

And years later, the operation proved that the cancer was still there.

“But God - that is not what seemed SO SURE…

There was the (I thought) promise of double blessing

There was (I thought) word that there would be no cancer.

and tonight it was (I thought) 

that the conditional use request would be granted 

I was stumped.

I was at our teaching Tuesdays session last week, 

The session on healing prayer

And I said, “the hardest thing is to believe you heard the voice of God loud and clear, 

And then you realize what you were so sure about - did not happen”

And it leaves you doubting

If you heard

If it really was God’s voice that you recognized

And if it was, then why in the world, did what you believe would happen, NOT happen?

I am sure this is the sentiment of many

We want to pray boldly and believe

We want to have a dynamic faith 

We want to see God’s hand move in our lives

We want ….

You know what I am saying, in fact, I would venture to say that this may have also been your deja vu moment too at some point in your lfie...

So it was tonight

So many people were praying

So many people had said “it is going to work out”

So many people were standing behind us as we prayed and fasted about all of this.

But nothing happened tonight

And we have to wait ONE. MORE. MONTH.

Which seems like a year, even if it is just a month.

I realize that Satan is a deceiver, and he is also an imitator

He tries to get us to believe what he is saying may be the truth

When I heard the words “I was just fooling”  ~ I foolishly said, I felt it was God saying that

Shame on me

Because if anyone knows the goodness and faithfulness of God, it is me.

But I was feeling sad, and abandoned, and led along ..

And down right discouraged.

But God was not fooling me ...

Everyone around me is saying: 

This is still a part of the plan God has, even if we do not see it

People were actually “lifting up my arms” even though they may not have realized they were

People said they would continue to pray

They would continue to surround us

And yet - the feeling of abandonment was real 

And as I write this our Pastor Daniel’s sermon from Sunday comes echoing back to me

“Biblical faith leaves room for hurt, pain, lament.  Room to feel empty and disoriented”

I nod my head "yes"

“God is still at work even if he seems hidden”

Again I nod "yes"

And then to conclude, about how we go about this loss in our lives, Pastor Daniel suggested (from my notes on Sunday, hope Pastor Dan doesn't mind) 

1. Be honest with God about your pain.  Faith is not absence of sorrow but bringing  it all into his presence.
2. Emptiness does not mean God is ablest
3. Hold onto this - that God is still writing the story of your life!  HE IS NOT FINISHED.  Jesus knows all the feelings of pain, rejection, loss - and at the cross he took our deepens emptiness so the emptiness would not have the final word!!  

And after telling a couple people that I felt like God was saying, 

“Sorry, Just fooling” 

I realized that if I was hearing anything, 

it was likely the enemy using this to get me down, 

and to not believe that God was interested in our stuff.  

It was likely the enemy telling me that God doesn’t answer prayers, 

and that mine were insignificant.

Thing is - I KNOW THEY ARE NOT INSIGNIFICANT.

I realize that God is not absent.  

He is with me - and in all of these decisions.

And, as a few already have reminded me - 

One day, we will look back and see exactly what God is up to!

So I say, Devil - 

I am not listening to your words, as you pretend to be speaking to me - 

and Go back to hell where you belong - 

you have no right to speak a word! You are a liar and a counterfeiter

My Jesus is victorious.

I say Holy Spirit, thank you 

for working within me even in the flow of tears.  

It seems they came out from deep within, 

as if I have been storing the up for a while, 

and truth be told ~ I have been.

And Jesus - oh how you love us, 

and know all the intimate details of our lives.  

Thank you for others that dared to get into our journey 

and hold up our arms during this wait.

Thank you for the village around us.  

Thank you for showing me that you are still at work.

We know that to be true.

A long time ago, when we closed down ministry at the end of October, 

I said that I believed we had closed a door 

and were standing in the threshold waiting to step through the next door.

Well, I feel like the “Threshold” has taken on a room of its own.  

There is nothing on the walls, 

or in the room except for a big chair for me to sit in.  

I shared with my spiritual director, that this waiting period felt okay, and peaceful and I was okay to sit and wait in this "in between" time 

Two doors and a waiting space

 where up till tonight, I felt calm and collected in the waiting!  

So what were the tears about today?

Well, I believe my God knows 

that they were an acknowledgement of me being human

And feeling some “fatigue” with all that has been happening

And maybe just wanting to move forward, 

and feeling stalled once again.

May 26 is just a month away.

Thank you for praying for me, for us.

This affects all of us, not just Alvin and I, but our kids and grandkids.

We are in this together

In Leah’s words in a text tonight to me “I don’t know how God is going to work it all out - but I still strongly feel that will happen somehow….. getting our minds wrapped around some vision for the future 

but he is now giving time to process it. “

So on that note, I am going to hold fast to those words.

We are trusting that God is at work.  

That He is up to something bigger than we could ever ask or imagine.

I am currently writing a book, 

and I have a feeling this may be included in the last chapter.

Stay tuned!

And please keep praying.

May God be glorified in all of this!