A full schedule is merely a distraction...

Today I found myself feeling aimless in many ways. And sad. And while I feel like there are no tears left to cry, then the floodgates open, and the tears run. I have seen a counsellor, and I thank God that there are gifted, trained women (and men I am sure...) out there, who can help me through the tough stuff in life. "Even when my heart is torn.... even when I feel deserted....when I feel like hope is gone...yet I will praise you Lord." I have gone through the most intense weeks of my life, these past four weeks. And, there are times when I feel distracted with the fullness of a work schedule that just does not let up.... in fact, in the middle of this whole in my heart - (the whole that is left by the million shattered pieces of my heart...) In the middle of it all, "the show must go on" .... there is work to be done, there are ministries to be run... just because my life is feeling like it is suspended in time - I realize that everything around me, everyone around me... LIFE IN GENERAL... carries on. The schedule that I have tried to bring "balance" to (if there is such a thing) has only seemingly gotten more heavy with each passing week. And somehow, in the midst of it, regardless of our shattered hearts - deadlines must be met! And as I sit here today - I realize that this full schedule which has often had me quite down and discouraged, is really just a distraction. Because while I am at my workplace, it often seems like my life/emotions/thoughts/tears get pushed a little farther back, and I operate on rote.... but when God brings a friend into my work space, or an email from someone, or a phonecall - I am zipped back into the painful reality of having lost our little Jay -

I guess sometimes distraction is okay. But, it just means that when I am alone, it all comes tumbling onto me again...
My summer was marked by specific markers - first my 50th birthday - then Jay's birthday and then two months later, Ash and Mike's wedding. We are also planning the wedding, and yet, it still feels like we are waiting for Jay. How does that work?

Today as I sat and visited with the other grandma, I realized that this whole walk through the deep dark valley, is a walk that we will journey for a long time... it is just not something you "get better from " or "get over" contrary to what some people believe. I am not even sure if time heals wounds... I think it just looks different over time...
Today as I went about my day, I found that I was feeling more and more sad. I talked alot about my grandson Jay today. I even told strangers about him. And I realize that I am a very proud Granny.

God thank you for giving me those months of being able to feel Jay kick... and watching the movement, and those times of praying for him, hoping and dreaming about him, and making his rag quilt .... Those were not distractions, those were very real.
Of God, thank you , thank you, thank you!