Saturday Thoughts

(this picture of these wild flowers was taken at the cemetary where my little grandson's body was laid to rest. )

It has been a sunny and windy day - Saturday. A quiet day. With my housecleaning done, thanks to my daughter Ashley, I have had alot of "space" to (as my counsellor put it) "just be"...

A walk first thing in the morning, with my dog Oreo. He just loves it when he realizes that one of us (or both) is hitting the road for a walk! So, today he walked with me alone. As I was walking, I realize that this road, Springfield Road, has been watered by many, many of my tears over the last few years. Tears when I was walking through my depression, through my moms death, a year later through my dad's death.... tears over my kids leaving home (although that was good, they had grown up and were doing what we prayed they would do, be able to fly on their own) ... there were still tears as I adjusted to the next stage in life that of "empty nest"... for a while I didn't drop any tears on the dusty road, until my grandson Jay died. Now I am walking and weeping often again.

Today I walked, but I didn't weep. However, I thought of it all... and realized that if we ever move, I will miss this dusty gravel road, that I have traveled over and over the past 25 years. Half of my life has been spent in this country home. WOW...

I went to the farmers market today, and then watched an outdoor wedding happen at Pineridge Hollow, where I had first just wandered around looking at the market. of course, I am also in the wedding mode, with our daughter getting married in a day less than four weeks. Again, the surreal and realness of grief meets the realness of wedding joy.... I keep wondering how we do this all at the same time, and thank God for the time-released grace that He gives for each new day!

And then, I travelled down the gravel road to the cemetary.... I had my journal, my lawnchair, and a little bouquet of flowers to put on my grandson's grave. I can't put my finger on it, but today, as I prayed with my husband before he left for the day, I wept... and then I felt compelled to go and just sit at Sunnyside Cemetary. It was so quiet there, although the wind had come up. The sound of the trees rustling was music to my ears. There were birds flying. A couple cars came through while I was there, and I couldn't help but think that perhaps they were a little mystified to see someone sitting in a lawnchair at the foot of a new grave.

Actually my grandson's grave doesn't look so "new" anymore, as my son Josh went during the week and took away the extra gravel mound, and put some black earth on it... and moved his little marker to the head of the spot. As I sat there, I journalled. Seems that it is a way that I can talk to God... although talking to him has always been easy. Try as I might, the "why God?" still comes out of my lips. I realize that even though I ask Him still, that I know in my heart that God doesn't owe me any explanation, and that He loves me more than I realize, and is okay with my big questions. I realize that I will likely never know the reason why, at least not this side of heaven, and I have a feeling that when I get to glory, the reason won't seem so important anymore.

I have thought alot about heaven lately. Infact, thinking of my parents, and my father in law already in heaven, have been great comfort when Jay passed away. When my husband dreamt about Jay, I could not help but ask God for a glimpse of heaven in my sleep too...

So far it hasn't happened, but I am still praying that one night God gives me a little glimpse of my grandson in heaven!

It seems that life has just really taken on a different perspective. It feels like we just can't even take our life for granted. Not that I thought we were , but looking back, I think we did.

The bible talks about our life being but a breath - and it truly is.

God knows the length of our days, as it said in Psalm 139 "before even one of them came to be."

Psalm 139 has been my favorite Psalm, and now it will forever be attached to my Grandson Jay.

Outside now, the night is upon us. The wind is blowing. There are storm watches. And I feel like in my heart, there is a wind blowing as well. I am still just doing life.... trying to enjoy each amazing moment - trying to experience the joy of my daughter's wedding - trying to remember all the joy of watching my grandson grow as Leah carried him - trying to process the deep grief - and all the time wondering if the pieces of our hearts will come together. That was what made the tears come this morning, as I prayed for my husband, and then before I said amen, I asked God to somehow, please bring the pieces of our heart together. This is my prayer, to God who knows all, and loves me so much. The one who has the answer to my whys. The God who delights in hearing me speak. The God to whom I am expecting much, and having faith that He is going to do a miracle!! Have faith - expect Miracles. O God, hear my prayer. Amen. Good night!