Hard days, and long nights...

(TEAR SOUP.... you just have to read the book! Or check it out at my daughter's blog..... www.tolovelikethat.blogspot.com This book was one I bought for my kids - and also took it into work and suggested that the staff read it! It is an amazing book written by someone who obviously has walked through deep grief.)

It has been a really really hard day. Make it a really hard week. But then again, seems that every week has been hard since our little Jay was born silently. Today I wished out loud that I wished my old life was back. That was when the person overhearing me say that, said "no you don't. You would have to walk through this again." I just can't go there. God, it is so very hard. It is so hard to do this WITH GOD... how do people do it without HIM?

I wept alot today. Seems I wept from morning till night. I felt so distraught that I felt physically sick at one point. I wept with a widow over coffee. I wept with a friend who popped into my office and asked me how I was. I wept over supper and a long coffee as I talked with my friend whom I also used to work with. She was a gift today, a God-ordained gift! My counsellor says that it is not depression, but it is grief.... seems my life has been so "busy" that I don't get a chance to sit with my grief. I hate that word "busy!"

I am so tired of telling my story. I tell it less these days, because really, people don't ask much anymore. I can't blame anyone... really, people have lives to live. Not everyone's life has stood still like ours. I think we are all tired! Sometimes, it still seems like it is a bad dream, but as I stand by my sink and see my little grandson's picture, my heart breaks all over again, as I realize it is so incredibly real.

Everywhere I go, I feel like it is reinforced. Last night we went to the LIVING CHRISTMAS TREE at Grant Memorial, and it has been tradition, and well, it was about someone who adopted a baby, and about the grandmother who longed to become a grandma and then did! I sat there and was worried about how it would affect my kids to watch it. I knew that beside me, the tears were running down my husband's cheeks. Me - I was so busy thinking about how my kids would feel.

While I stood there prior to the event, feeling worn and tired beyond belief, I spoke with a couple friends whom I haven't seen for a very long time. I received hugs from them too. One of my friends told me that before my head was even lifted off my pillow each morning, I have already been prayed for. Thing is, I KNOW her well enough to know that she is praying for me daily. What a gift.
I know it is only because of prayer that I can actually lift my head up.... and the same for my family. It is kind of like when people held up Moses arms when he was getting tired, and trying to win the battle.

It is also no coincidence that tonight when I get home late, I find an email from another old friend/coworker from years past...and she shares how I can expect great things from God. And the thing is, she knows first hand, as her son was killed in a car accident this year.

Sometimes my head hurts. Sometimes I don't even want to think about my pain, or the pain of my family... but it never goes away. I am praying for a glimmer of hope... perhaps in time for Christmas. God only knows. To me, it seems like He could do it so easily - waiting is so incredibly hard. It makes no sense really.
I just continue to have so many questions. I find that there is still the anger that comes to the surface unexpectedly. Like today at Curves, when I was exercising, I was listening to a girl on one of the machines, talking about how her baby was born healthy, even though, unknowing that she was pregnant, she went had gone to 3 open bar socials and a work party, and then found out she was pregnant. It was really all that I could do to work out and keep my mouth shut. Oh God, help me to not say things that I am going to regret. I continue to struggle with the sense of unfairness - even though I know that we don't get what we "deserve" - otherwise we would all be in Hell. Jesus grace saves us from that! Sometimes I am just so tired of it all - of always being face to face with pain, and with sadness and with tears - and yet, the reality is, there is no easy way through this. Through this dark valley. That is the bottom line.... we need to walk through it, there is no easy way. I was thinking the other day about the verse from Isaiah that talks about walking through the fire, but not getting burned. I realize that we are smelling pretty smokey! One day, I want to be able to talk and blog about the happiness that I feel. I want to share in written form about how joy truly has come in the morning... O God, please God, please have mercy, and hear our prayer.

O God... how long? How long?