her bright smile filled up the room that I had come into with my heavy heart and confusion ...

I sat across from her

her bright smile filling up the cozy room where I had come with my heavy heart and confusion

I don't know where to start I told her

and she smiled and said, "lets call it a movie, tell me how it rolls"

and so I did

I talked about the things that have transpired over the past 11 years

things I thought I had put behind me

not that I was over them, or through them, 

but more that I was choosing to remember them no more

Father God does that with us all the time. 

And I said, I thought I had forgiven

however more things in my life (things that unfolded in the last year)  all of a sudden woke up that big sleeping giant 

and I was surprised and shocked and confused as to why one big thing brought the other thing back to life.

As if these two big "giants" were related.

Prior to the visit, 

I thought it was confusing.

My son said that he believed the woman with the big smile definitely had the skill set to help me work through this unrest in my soul.

This feeling that I was not able to quite put my finger on, so I called it "anger"

Actually I told her that it felt like "road rage inside me"

(to be honest, I have never experienced true road rage (thankfully) while driving, but this felt like what it may be like)

But that confused me too since I know that anger hasn't been a huge part of my life

in fact whenever I get angry, I get dizzy

almost as if God wired me that way as a way to say - "back up, step away from the situation and breathe!)

maybe the feeling wasn't anger

did I have to name the feeling?

And the one with the smile

she knew exactly what to do with my junk

the messiness that I carried and dragged into her office with me

In her gentle ways she pulled out some questions based on what I said

"Let's go back to this ..

Okay imagine you are sitting with those people, and I am right beside you but I am not saying anything, I am just there for support - tell me - imagine you are there now - what would you say to them?"

with tears streaming down my cheeks as if I was right back there in 2008

I spoke up

boldly

confidently

articulate

sharing my heart

and they sat there, and heard me speak.

With my eyes closed and tears streaming down

I expressed my feelings on the situation.

And all of a sudden I knew

I had a voice!

Then after we talked about that (the above paragraph and the imaginary meeting/conversation)

She said, "Fast forward to the latest stuff - the recent "thing" (the one that blew the 11 year old past out of its holding pattern.

How do you feel?

Out of that feeling, what do you have to say?

And as I sat again with eyes closed, speaking to those who needed to hear (but were only there in my imagination)

I again began to speak out loud ..

But I did not need to say much when it happened...

And it was like a light bulb turned on, I said, "oh my goodness, I think I understand.  I think I get why this recent past stuff, brought the old sleeping giant to life.  It is because I was not given opportunity to speak.  I was told what I needed to do, what we needed to do. I was not asked how I feel about this, in fact feelings were likely the farthest thing from the minds.   I was told what would happen and not ever asked, what do you think, let me hear you on this."

The two things are 11 years apart.  Different scenario.  Different people.  But some thing was the same.  

AHA ... my soul got the connection between 2009 and 2019 -  and now her smile was joined by mine.

And then we talked of future things

Life changes, and possible realities that are coming from current conversations 

We talked about friendships and I shared how my circle was changing and it felt like it was smaller

We talked about those in the smaller circle around us

not the ones that were "friends" but true inner circle friends

She asked who is on that inner circle around me. (other than my family)

We talked about prayer warriors who walk tightly shoulder to shoulder with me

the ones who didn't back away from raw comments, confusion or messiness

the ones who spoke to God on my behalf

the ones who spoke into my life, even if the "speaking in" was hard to hear.

And then we talked about inner circle friends who were there for both Alvin and I

The ones we did life with.

Not just once in a blue moon acquaintance friends, but the ones that were in our life often and with whom we shared deeply, and just had fun with too.

She smiled lots yesterday

and she gently encouraged words to come, tears to run, and celebrated the "light bulb turning on" "aha" moments.

She allowed me to process feelings that I had.

She encouraged me often to - 

"Close your eyes and breathe.

In

Out

Breathe

When you are ready, open your eyes again."

And hour and a half later I walked out differently than I walked in.

An obvious difference in how I felt.

In how I would feel going forward.

In how I would remember 2008, and 2019 and the giants were no longer big and menacing

Some words came out of the conversation for me.

One of the words was the same as the word God gave me this year.

It is LOVE.

The other is ACCEPTANCE 

And this word was given to me the other day by one of those prayer warriors in my inner circle.

This life sometimes is hard.  Well, actually it is OFTEN hard.

And that's okay.

It is not a cause to pity me, or anyone for that matter.

Actually if you know me well, you will know that if there is anything I hate (yep thats a strong word) It is pity.

NO ... life being hard is about still walking forward.

And walking it with Jesus because seriously without him, I am not sure how I would ever do it.

Because you see, 

in the midst of the messy

In the midst of the tears - the memories - the forgiving.

In the midst of the situations that make us stop and question

There is the loving embrace of the Father 

and his tender mercies which are new in the midst of the hard days.

And ... in the midst of the hard stuff, God provides people to meet with us.

People he gives gifting and skillset to.

Like the one with the smile

That listened, and gently spoke into my life.

And brought me to the place where I experienced the peace of God in the midst of the messy.

She smiled

I smiled

and I believe the Father smiled too.

PS.  Rebecca Dolyniuk is the one with the smile - and if you need to talk with someone - I really recommend you give her a call!!https://rndtherapy.ca

NOW, on another note - I just heard a song sung by a group of women we hosted a week ago - and I asked them what it was - and this is it.  It is so beautiful.  may it bless your soul today as well.