It is a strange thing when you think you have put something hard behind you but then have something come up and the old thing from the past rises up inside of you, taking you to a place that doesn't look or feel nice. Not. One. Little. Bit. In fact, it looks and feels ugly to the enth degree.
In fact, in my mind, if I could think of a picture to capture the way it rises up, the picture would likely be this one -
When my daughter was younger and she watched The Little Mermaid, and this scene came on, I could not help but feel that it was really scary, and evil. There is nothing good about this character. The is scary and when she rises up out of the sea, she is bigger than life and keeps growing.
This is kind of how I have felt lately as some things in my present have resurrected the past. The past that contains memories that my heart has worked with, and I have given over and over again to the LORD. (what? its back, no you take it LORD) . It seemed to come to a culmination yesterday and I was just so angry which surprised me because I don't think I am an angry person at heart. But I recognized anger right away.
It makes no sense really. The things that set me off were/ are not even related to the things in the past. or at least not really that I can see at first glance inward. It could be just something I saw, or or read. A post, a text, a message on facebook. It could have be a feeling of being left out, or a feeling of being made to feel stupid. Or maybe all of the above!! And I know, and see, how each one of the "could be's" have the potential to bring that Ursala up out of the water in all her ugliness. And yesterday Ursula presented herself - so ugly - and seemingly bigger than life. And I felt like I could not breathe.
So I shared with a prayer warrior friend that I needed prayer. I needed someone else to help hold up my arms like they did with Moses. She is always there for me. Well, I believe I am there for her too. In her wisdom she asked if I wanted to share what was going on, and I did.
As I wrote it down to send her in a text, I was not sure I liked how it sounded or looked when I read it back - there in black and white, and see that it makes you look hmmm what would be the word? Maybe messy is the best word. Yes - I am so messy. I don't like how feels nor do I like how it looks either.
I needed to let someone else speak into my life, and to see someone else's response to me. Just to hear someone say she understands. (Maybe because she has been part of my journey way back when ...) and instead of being made to feel like I am a real "case" ~ my arms are quickly lifted by her prayers and encouragement. Just like Moses friends lifted his arms when the battle got to be too much.
You see, I didn't need answers, I just needed the friend(s) who ask the hard questions and presses into the Father on my behalf. I have to say that I have 3 friends who really go deep with me and we pray for one another - there is no fluff in our conversations. I love that. It is much easy being vulnerable when you know someone is praying for you.
Then last night I was able to physically get out of the house and breathe. I did not have to be home for the retreater, she knows the ropes. I was able to get outside of my four walls and breathe deep. This helped.
I know this is a post that says a whole lot of nothing about something lol. You don't need to know any details about that which pushed me to the edge yesterday. You do need to know however, that when that happens to you (and it likely will at some point) ~ you need to run to the WORD. Even if you don't read it, even listen to it on audio ... and to just SIT with the Father and ask His Word to be renewed in your mind. Sit with him, like you would on the knee of the most amazing Dad ever. NOW: I know some of you may have a problem with imagining a dad image for God. I get that, but I don't have a problem, in fact, I love thinking about my relationship with my Heavenly Father who yes, has characteristics of a Mother, and ... at risk of sounding mean, this post is really about me and my thoughts, and I thank God that I had a earthly father who pointed me to my Heavenly Father, through his love and actions towards me). Yesterday I wept. Some of the tears I knew where they were coming from. Some of the tears were tears of the past as well. It's like my heart opened up and the tears leaked out! I actually talked with two sisters over the day, who both pointed me back to Jesus - thank you ladies. We all need friends in our lives who dare to ask the hard questions. Who dare to challenge us on what we see. And who dare to call us out when they think our behaviour or response is not good. I thank God for friends who through godly wisdom challenge me to press into God and examine my heart.
I knew I needed to run to the WORD. I knew I needed to sit with the Father. I knew I needed to call in some reserves for extra prayer support. I knew that again, I had to call the enemy out and tell him he was not going to use any of this to get me down, and further more he could go back to hell where he belongs. Yep, I learned that through Priscilla Shirer in the War Room - and so I did - I called out to Jesus - outlaid - full strength voice (my retreater was out for a little while so she was not frightened by me!) and I prayed out loud with tears running down my cheeks and then - I also told the devil where to go!
The other thing I knew was that it was time to go and see Rebecca, a therapist that God has put into my life for such a time as this. It seems we need to sit and talk. So the appointment is set. I just have to say that she - is such a gift from God, and the way she works with clients is amazing. If you are walking through something and you need to see a counsellor, I highly recommend Rebecca Dolyniuk. You won't regret that decision.
Today I feel better.
My bible plan for today started off with the title "The Overflow from the Heart" and "Wrestle with God in prayer" and you have to know (if you are reading this) that this is where I am at. I want my overflow to be that of joy. I am wrestling with the Lord on a few things. Yes, I know - HE ALWAYS WINS but he lets me wrestle with him on things. And I am so glad. I am his Beloved!!
And tomorrow - I get to walk into Rebecca's office and sit on her cute couch and talk.
Oh Lord, I love you! I know I am your beloved! Thank you LORD GOD that you are in all of my past - in the my present and in my future. Even the hard stuff. You walked those days with me, and you are still walking with me. Thank you for amazing sisters who are there for me, encouraging, calling out, and challenging me when needed. Thank you for your WORD which continues to shed light onto my feet and to point me always again and again to the Truth. Thank you that I can keep growing, keep learning and keep healing. I am so thankful LORD that you are not mad when I come to you broken and messy, no in fact, like a parent with their child, you wipe off the dust from my knees, the tears from my cheeks and you embrace me! Oh Father - Papa - Abba I love you. And LORD thank you for giving wisdom to therapists who can also help us walk through some tough patches. I praise you LORD GOD ~ For this day, and all it holds. I say thank you!!
I love you LORD! Love, Joy
PS: a little note on seeing a therapist/counsellor: a few too many times I have heard people say "no I don't need a counsellor" or they go to see their pastor. Now, remember I pastor'ed too but I would say that pastors "normally" are not certified counsellor and should be sending people out to those who also have the resources. Like the insurance company said at a seminar, unless a pastor has the counselling designation behind their names, they should not be counselling. I know people who do not think it is "bad enough" to see a counsellor or hear "it's too much money". and I hear you on that. It does cost us money. But your life, your mental health is worth it.
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