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| The lettered framed pic is done by my daughter at my request a few years ago and the paintingon the wall behind it I bought from Faye Hall at her home gallery show (think it was 2012)and is part of three paintings. This one is called HOPE (I believe as the other two (not shown) are Joy and Peace) |
The night I wanted to sleep, sleep has not come. I tried. I honestly did. I went to bed early, thinking that after I listened to my app Lectio 365, the evening portion, I would nod off into sleep land. And then I listened to Lectio 365 again. Tossed. Turned. Seemed that the sound of the tv at the other end of our suite was more than my brain could handle, even though it was not that loud. More tossing, more turning. And then well, right about 11:45 ... the snoring began. Seems he had no trouble waking up from a slumber in the lazy boy chair (always happens normally to both of us, perhaps I should have stayed in the tv area) and within 5 minutes of falling asleep, the snoring was profound! I tried to stay in bed, I honestly did. But finally I threw back the covers, grabbed my glasses and came upstairs. WIDE AWAKE.
Outside it is pitch black. Perhaps the stars are shining, but it is pretty hard to tell from where I am sitting. Inside I have the one set of lights on, but otherwise the house is dark, and still. Upstairs I have a couple retreating tonight. I actually thought I would get to bed early since I have to be in the kitchen at 5:30, but it appears that was wishful thinking on my part. Just too much happening in my head.
I decided to pour myself a tiny glass of red wine - perhaps that will help me to fall asleep. I would take the wonderful "sleep juice" that I have in my fridge but being that I have to be up in just over 4 hours, I know that would do me in for at least 8 hours, so I won't take the 1/4 tsp of wonder juice!! (seriously the best thing ever invented for helping one sleep, but don't take it if you only need 5 hours!) I am aware (yes, thank you) that screen time does not help settle the brain but does the opposite, but seriously, at this point I think I will be okay after I write this post.
The tinnitus in my ears is loud ... always louder when it is so quiet, but it is pretty loud 24/7 for the past 14 and a half years. I may see if I can get a white noise machine. Supposedly that can help. Sometimes the ringing is exhausting. I have sympathy for anyone dealing with the same. Just not fun.
But tonight, it is just other things adding. Anxiety has been present these last days. I once heard that "anxiety is unmet expectations" and I have been mulling that one over lately. Ya, I guess you could say we have had some unmet expectations in our lives lately. I was never one to experience anxiety until after we lost our grandson in 2008. Even then I didn't experience it until a half year later when I encountered some hard things in my workplace. And then it seemed that the anxiety laid dormant until a few years ago, and to be honest, not sure what brought it back up again. But there it was. The feeling is perhaps different with each person. But you know when you know. Let's just leave it at that.
I talked with my doctor, and I also talked with a psychologist who was amazing. I have been able to navigate through my times of anxiety although sometimes it is harder to get through the attack. Years ago the doctor prescribed some tiny blue pills that she said to use if/when needed for anxiety. It literally gave "take a pill" a new meaning! Seriously. Out of that prescription for 30, lets just say, I still have quite a few, but somehow it is good to know they are there in an emergency (if I can find where I left them!). Joking. NOT JOKING.
These little pills have been helpful when I have felt a panic attack coming on. OR for instance, I took one when I had to have an MRI. Or sometimes if I know I have to have impressions at the dentist office. Yes, makes no sense at times what it is that brings it on, other times I have a hunch.
Anxiety is no fun. It makes no sense. It makes alot of sense. (are you tracking with me). About two months ago I had such a big attack. It was quite the test as it felt big and oh man, there were tears. But I could not find the little blue pills (I take them with me like a security blanket when I travel, just. in . case and it seems I did not put them back). So in the midst of this panic attack, I realized I needed to navigate through it without them. And I did. I began to do breath prayers. And invited God into this panic. I know, I should do that first of all, but TBT it was not my first thought! I wept. I breathed deep. I prayed through short breath prayers. And God answered. At one point Alvin asked me what was wrong, to which I replied, 'I DON'T KNOW!" but when I was able to think better, I realized what it was all about. That weekend three things happened which I walked in and through, and then when I got home, and quiet - BAM there it was. And there I was - messy. anxious. broken and man, it felt so out of my control. BUT GOD was there. I knew it, and with His help, we walked it. However, the next morning it felt like this weird panic attack hangover. Is that real? I texted a bit with one of our best friends who said, yes, unfortunately that is real. Hmmm....
UGH. Anxiety. Yep, it is real. I see it all over the place. I sit with people, and listen to their stories. I pray. It is like the plague of this time. Invisible but so prevalent. And in this all, we can call on God. Today I talked with someone walking through anxiety and I realize it is no respecter of age, gender, nationality, or financial class. We talked about how it is so hard at times WITH GOD and we agreed we did not know how people walked through anxiety without God. (O LORD GOD, thank you so much for walking this hard road with me).
I was reminded again as I talked with a friend, that Jesus did warn his disciples by telling them that in this world they would have trouble. No, he didn't say, out of you 12, one or two would have trouble. he did not say, you might have trouble. NO he said - you will have trouble! Here is the verse from The Message: John 16:31-33
Jesus answered them, “Do you finally believe? In fact, you’re about to make a run for it—saving your own skins and abandoning me. But I’m not abandoned. The Father is with me. I’ve told you all this so that trusting me, you will be unshakable and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I’ve conquered the world.”
I take comfort in that, yes even in the midst of any and all anxiety - that God is with me. Sometimes I will be honest, I am like Peter who took his eyes off of the LORD as he walked on the water towards Jesus. Guess I am not unlike others who likely do the same thing at times. So thankful that God knows that!!
ANYHOW ... it is now 1:35 and now I have to be up in 4 hours, making pancakes lol but I have a couple more thoughts to write down here: I have been wrestling with many anxious thoughts over the past couple weeks up to and including today. I think the enemy likes nothing more than to see someone struggling with anxiety, but as Beth Moore said once - "tell the Devil to get back to hell where he belongs!" My anxiety comes from a place of unknown and when the "unknown" touches someone I love, then it gets tough. My anxiety comes from a place of seeing sadness in they eyes of some that I love. My anxiety comes from broken hopes and unknown future. My anxiety comes when I hear of things that make no sense, but it is the reality. God? WHY. (this came today when I heard of another silent birth and I know the devastating sorrow that brings). Anxiety. No respecter of anything. It just hits full on, with a vengeance.
But this is what I know: we live in a broken messed up world. With God, it is hard, and messy and I would never want to walk it without him! But some people do. (I don't know how). I know that anxiety is rampant, but God knows that too and He is with us, even in the messy. Like a parent that sits by their child as they are hanging over the toilet bowl being sick ... I know my LORD is with me, holding me up. It doesn't mean that it is easy. It sure isn't But it means that HE is holding, carrying, and perhaps at times weeping along with me. That brings some comfort in the midst of the ugly. At least for me.
Years ago, I asked my daughter Ashley to letter something for me. (the picture at the top of the page) It is based on this story from Daniel 3: 16-18 - where Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego were going to be thrown in a fiery furnace because they were refusing to bow down to the king's image (because they believed in the living God!) They told the King Nebuchadnessar that they were not worried about what would happen because they knew their God was able to deliver them! And then they said "But, even if he doesn't ..."
I love this part of the verse. (I encourage you to go to the verses for yourself and read the whole story. God DID deliver them and they didn't even have a singe mark on them when they came out of the fiery furnace!!). I love that they said, BUT even if he doesn't This is what I believe In all that I walk through, and in all that we HAVE walked through ... God is God. He is Sovereign even in the times I am wrestling. He is sovereign even in the times I am ranting about WHY GOD. He is sovereign in the times of anxiety. I know that these days have been anxious at times. But I know that even if he doesn't deliver me (immediately, or ever, based on how I think he should ) that He is still God!!
Well, it is now two hours later. My retreater came down for some water about half hour ago and was surprised to see me hunkered down in the corner, awake. I really think that now I have put some thoughts to paper ... I can perhaps lay back down beside Alvin (who hopefully has snored through the snoring cycle in his sleeping pattern lol.
For what it is worth, those are my thoughts.
Night! (or is it Morning?)
j
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