Walking in the Dark

I walk

The big yard light has turned off at the time my husband thinks all will be in bed

But I am outside walking

Breathing in and breathing out

Listening as my boots make my tell-tale sound

I have been told a few times that I have a very distinctive walking sound lol\

White lights on porch illuminating my every step

It feels warm out compared to walking a week ago in the minus 30’s

I am thankful for the reprieve

When all of creation is still

And hunkered down for the night

I walk the deck

It sounds silly but for me it is safety

When the driveway has melted and iced

And with a few falls under my belt, I am opting for safety 

It works and for some reason doesn’t get monotenous 

Listening to the wooden bamboo wind chime

The sound distinctly its own

Not like the beautiful toned sound of my other wind-chime

But something about this bamboo wind chime is soothing tonight

The wind has picked up

Still not cold, but a very distinct wind

My iPhone is in the hood of my jacket, as close to my ears as possible

That way I can listen to the story on audible as I walk

Although whenever I round the corner, the wind and chimes threatens to drown out the words

My heart feels like it is carrying many things

My head is full with thoughts that if dwelled on individually, 

Just one would be enough to make me lay down and sleep the day away

Cocooned under the feather quilt

In a fetal position

Unsure of how to carry the load

Its a lot

And the best thing I can do is pray

For each one

For each circumstance

And sometimes often the prayers are seasoned with tears

This is not mine to take on, but I can surely walk alongside of the one with the burden

I am thankful I can pray and hold up the arms of the one who is weighed down

I can also listen, and make a safe place for the story that may be shared

And I know that the Spirit is in it with us, 

And interceding with groans that the Father hears.

Lately as I have been walking, I listen to an audible story

The story I have chosen is one of a woman who I follow on instagram

And she has also written her story about her journey - 

A journey with cancer

I am not sure what draws me to her story

Or anyones hard story really

But I am

Perhaps it is my enneagram number

Or the fact that I have walked with others through end of life

Or maybe I just see where I can learn something from people who care enough to be vulnerable

That in itself is hard

As these days everyone feels they have the right to rip a strip off of someone that they don’t agree with

What’s with that anyhow

When did we become such an entitled bunch of know it all people

Sheesh

I walk tonight

Sound of wooden chimes clanging

Wind rustling past my face

My thoughts are in a heap

And I am trying to discern which ones to pay heed to

My week has been one of friendship and family

One of hugs and kisses

And a week of deep knowing, sorrow and loss

For me to walk in the stillness of this dark night

Is a balm for my soul

I walk and realize that many conversations have been had

And things have impacted me in great ways

A week full of school work

Reading books

Pondering stories told from siblings about ancestors

A week full of hearing of a life lived all out

And a life given a diagnosis with a time frame attached

In my thoughts I think backwards to what I was doing this time years ago

As well as the things I did today

This week I have heard many stories told

Amidst laughter and tears

And the sound of a drum and a song being sung as part of an Indigenous renaming ceremony

I have hugged my grandkids and told them again how much I love them

I have drank coffee and bought coffee for others

I have eaten supper with friends and studied the Word with other women

I have enjoyed fresh biscuits and jam and conversation

I’ve listened to the beautiful song of the chickadees that are loving the bird food on my deck

And I wait with anticipation for my Jays to realize I have peanuts for them again.

I am serenaded by the song that plays when my dryer is done, 

And the beeping that notifies me the dishes are clean.

Sure some work has been done

But for the most part it has been a slow week

A much needed slow week of pause.  Of reflection.  Of sitting with my thoughts.

It has not been a week that has been very visually productive

There is so much to clean and sort

To organize and to throw away

But instead I nestle in my big white chair that is facing the outside

And I sit and think

Read Scripture and highlight the same

Talk to God in prayer, and also in written journalling

It seems like my body does not want to move

As if it is protesting

And one wonders if the B12 liquid will ever do its job

To restore energy and dispel fatigue

Sure the walking feels good

But to do other things, seems like that can wait for now ..

Tomorrow 

I will do it tomorrow

Because today it just feels like there are too many thoughts to contend with and acknowledge

To many stories to hear and to keep safely

Too many feelings to hold in the depths of my being.

Im not trying to figure them out

It seems okay to just ..    hold them

I have walked

I have written

I have thought

I have now been yawning and I feel like nighttime is also coming for this gal

And tomorrow ~ 

I will walk again

For that, I am thankful

Because I know I do not walk alone

My thoughts that spin are okay to spin

The stories are safe to hold

This life is full and it is a journey

And I know who is walking it with me

Tonight, in the dark, with the wind, and the blowing chimes

I am thankful.

TURN - my word for 2025

                                                                                

Each year I keep my ear open to what I am being given as per the word for the year.  I have done this for many many years, and often even heard words for my kids.  I believe they do this on their own now.  And then, I have usually gotten a silver ring to wear with the word inscribed on it.

Such it was that I was listening for my word at the end of last year.  There were a few words that came across my heart, such as - family, adventure, rthymns, Joy, time and turn.  Hmm... I needed to sit with these words longer.  And soon one began to stand out as the one to pay attention to.  Okay, at fiurst I did think it could be Joy, as last Christmas, my "spiritual mom" and I exchanged words for each other as a gift of blessing, and she gave me the blessing of Joy. but as much as I loved Joy as my word, I did not feel it was the word for my choosing for 2025.  It felt like one word I could not avoid, it kept rising up.  So after a few weeks into the new year of 2025, I chose it as my word.  TURN

Today I was thinking about it, and looked up the definition.

TURN is to move in a circular direction wholly or pratly around an axis or point.

To move something so that it is in a different position in relationship to its surroundings or previous position. 

I then decided that there needed to be some verses for this year, to accompany my word TURN and these are the ones I have chosen:

Phil. 4:6-7: Don't worry about anything, instead pray about everything.  Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all he has donel. Then you will expdrience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand.  his peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

1 Peter 5:7:  Give all your worries and cares to God for He cares about you. 

Prov. 3: 5-6: Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding.  Seek His will in all you do and he will show you wwhich path to take.

Prov. 16:9:  We can make our plans but the LORD determines our steps.

and Isaiah 46:4:  I will be your God throughout your lietime until your hair is white with age.  I made you and I will care for you.  I will carry you along and save you.

So where do I go with this?  Well, here was some of my reflections from this morning:

TURN is not a negative word, but one that seems like it is positive and brings some anticipation.  It talks about moving in a circular direction around an axis.  I know that my axis is Jesus Christ.  And my circle of life began with God breathing me into being, fearfully and wonderfully made in my mother's womb.  And I know from the same Psalm 139 which is one of my favourites, that he also knows my first day and my last, upon which that day my soul will leave this old body and go to live with him.   So the thought of TURN/turning in this circle of life, with Jesus as my axis, is really resonating with this old gal.

The Scripture that I have to accompany this word for me, for 2025 tells me that I do not have anything to fear in my TURNing.  He knows when I will TURN, and what from, and what towards - and I am good with that.  I know from past history with Jesus as my LORD of my life, that He has been my guide, my provider, and the one who I know I can trust with anything, and that he would give me peace.  So even though neither you or I  know all that this year holds - I do know from past experience that anything I may be concerned over in this year to come, I can give it to him because he says and I know - He cares for me. And I also know that He holds my year ahead.

I also love the Scripture about we can make our plans, but it is really up to God.  SO TRUE.  I just encouraged someone yesterday, when she told me about her plans for the years ahead, to hold them loosely as God is the one that ultimately holds those plans and can redirect our steps very quickly .  And the last Scripture - I know God is my God throughout my lifetime!!  I am so thankful.... and my hair is sort of white or partially, but hoping I am not at the end yet lol.  I am so thankful that God carries me through life.

So with all this in my heart - I am holding onto my word for this year - TURN.  And I have a feeling that God will make things clear to me in his time, and in His way - and that I will be willing to follow his lead knowing that He is the one that directs my steps.    

Oh as I was writing, I was again reminded of another favourite in Isaiah 43:19 where God reminds them that He is doing a new thing even though they do not perceive it.  And to end with - this verse - 

Isaiah 30:21  (ESV):  And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, “This is the way, walk in it,” when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left.

So onward I go - into 2025.  Seriously we are halfway through Feb.  Where does time go!!

Take care and be encouraged!!

with love,

j

PS.

As I was writing this, the song by Pete Seeger came to mind - Turn, Turn, Turn

As he said, he took the words from Scripture, from Ecclesiasties and put the words to a tune.

Just click on the link - and take a listen!  It is a duet by Judy Collins and Pete Seeger 

https://youtu.be/n0xzyhoeu1Y?si=0VWloOS7vgrC5t5e

a few thoughts on Grief

 

Last month in school (SoulCare Spiritual Direction Training) we spent the month on the theme of Grief.  One of my friends said to me that they didn’t think I would have to learn anything else because I have walked closely with grief.  Thing is - I learned a lot.  I am so thankful to Cathy, Corrina and to Beth especially who took us through a session on Grief.

But today, some of these thoughts bubbled to the surface - read them if you wish.  

I sit inside and notice the colours that stream through the prism on the window

Shining onto the floor, the cupboards and the counters

Warming my heart and making me smile

The cold winter wind blows

Snow has stopped but drifting continues

Just to remind us that this is winter

And I want to just hunker down with a good book, 

a hot cup of coffee 

and my heating pad 

The old well used blue one that has travelled the world with me, crossing the ocean, over the mountains, in the valleys and it continues to bring comfort 

Winter is hard

But the sunshine is beautiful and the snow is bright white.

The grasses that turned brown in fall

Are still tall and blowing in the wind of this day

The brave little chickadees are feasting on the new seed block (apply named WINTER) that I put out for them yesterday

And well, it seems like all is well with the world

At least the world that I see out my window.

I sit inside and think of the prayers that I have prayed today

Some are the same as days past

A few new prayer requests come via text … “Joy can you please pray …”

I have sent out a few of my own requests

It is wonderful to have people who you know will pray immediately when you send it

But today the need to pray is strongly felt in my spirit

I have a sense of the need to pray and then pray some more

I have a sense that my old friend Grief is just a bit out of sight

Old friend I say?  Can that really be

That this one that I know as Grief is anything but a thief of happiness and stealer of joy?

I am very aware of Grief - not right beside me, but close enough to know 

How real Grief is

Not something I am every over

Nor something I am ever through 

But instead Grief holds a special place in my journey of life

And in my story that I hold with deep sacredness

And I know that Grief’s presence has changed me, I believe has made me stronger

More compassionate, and has enlarged my faith in the one I know as the great I am.

I’ve been praying today 

and have felt the heavy weight of what is happening with those I know and love

I have become so aware of the responsibility I hold as one who can pray 

and “hold up the arms” of those I love and pray for

As Aaron and Hur did for Moses when they were fighting the Amelikites in Exodus.

As long as Moses hands were up, they were winning.

But as he got tired, they came down, 

and that is where the responsibility came in for Aaron and Hur

To come alongside

To hold up the arms of the weary Moses

So that the battle could be won.

That is how I see prayer.  

That is how I see my responsibility

I also know that when my arms are tired - they are held up by those who pray for me.

And often this prayer is walking close to Grief

So while there is a heavy weight that I feel

It is not one that is strangling me, or causing me to fall because of the weight 

Instead it is the weight of knowing

And I want to be a soul friend who can be there - 

to pray - to listen - to carry - to weep tears with another.

And to watch and see as Grief may or may not make an appearance.

Grief.  

Do I dare call you an old friend?

For I know that at times you were anything but the “darkest night of my soul”

Grief, I know that you sometimes just sit quietly, 

and then I remember something, and you seem to raise your head, and yes, I see you

Somehow Grief, you have not kept the fear that you think you had.

You have not killed me, 

but walking with you in my journey has really helped me to grow stronger.

Funny how that works isn’t it.

So maybe you are an old friend.  

As you have taught me that living life will always involve grief.

And you have shown me that the greater the love, the greater the grief.

You have also shown me that I can sit with other’s in their grief and I can be someone who holds space for them to also sit with you.

Grief you have shown me that as long as I love life, I want to live in the fullness of it

So that you are never reminding me at the end that I have “missed out” on life

I want to live fully.

I want to live a life that is alive.

I am thankful to God for that life, and for this journey that I am on.

And its okay Grief, I am not scared of you any more

Even though I know you will visit again in my lifetime

Instead I want to honour you Grief.  

To honour the losses I have lived

Whether they are little or the big ones that have brought my face to the ground

I know true comfort in my grief happens 

when I acknowledge my pain instead of trying to ignore it or pretend it didn’t happen.

I know that no one can ever take it away, 

but there is beauty in someone coming alongside.

Sitting alongside with Grief and saying, 

"Hey, I am here because I love you ~ And I will stay”