Walking in the Dark

I walk

The big yard light has turned off at the time my husband thinks all will be in bed

But I am outside walking

Breathing in and breathing out

Listening as my boots make my tell-tale sound

I have been told a few times that I have a very distinctive walking sound lol\

White lights on porch illuminating my every step

It feels warm out compared to walking a week ago in the minus 30’s

I am thankful for the reprieve

When all of creation is still

And hunkered down for the night

I walk the deck

It sounds silly but for me it is safety

When the driveway has melted and iced

And with a few falls under my belt, I am opting for safety 

It works and for some reason doesn’t get monotenous 

Listening to the wooden bamboo wind chime

The sound distinctly its own

Not like the beautiful toned sound of my other wind-chime

But something about this bamboo wind chime is soothing tonight

The wind has picked up

Still not cold, but a very distinct wind

My iPhone is in the hood of my jacket, as close to my ears as possible

That way I can listen to the story on audible as I walk

Although whenever I round the corner, the wind and chimes threatens to drown out the words

My heart feels like it is carrying many things

My head is full with thoughts that if dwelled on individually, 

Just one would be enough to make me lay down and sleep the day away

Cocooned under the feather quilt

In a fetal position

Unsure of how to carry the load

Its a lot

And the best thing I can do is pray

For each one

For each circumstance

And sometimes often the prayers are seasoned with tears

This is not mine to take on, but I can surely walk alongside of the one with the burden

I am thankful I can pray and hold up the arms of the one who is weighed down

I can also listen, and make a safe place for the story that may be shared

And I know that the Spirit is in it with us, 

And interceding with groans that the Father hears.

Lately as I have been walking, I listen to an audible story

The story I have chosen is one of a woman who I follow on instagram

And she has also written her story about her journey - 

A journey with cancer

I am not sure what draws me to her story

Or anyones hard story really

But I am

Perhaps it is my enneagram number

Or the fact that I have walked with others through end of life

Or maybe I just see where I can learn something from people who care enough to be vulnerable

That in itself is hard

As these days everyone feels they have the right to rip a strip off of someone that they don’t agree with

What’s with that anyhow

When did we become such an entitled bunch of know it all people

Sheesh

I walk tonight

Sound of wooden chimes clanging

Wind rustling past my face

My thoughts are in a heap

And I am trying to discern which ones to pay heed to

My week has been one of friendship and family

One of hugs and kisses

And a week of deep knowing, sorrow and loss

For me to walk in the stillness of this dark night

Is a balm for my soul

I walk and realize that many conversations have been had

And things have impacted me in great ways

A week full of school work

Reading books

Pondering stories told from siblings about ancestors

A week full of hearing of a life lived all out

And a life given a diagnosis with a time frame attached

In my thoughts I think backwards to what I was doing this time years ago

As well as the things I did today

This week I have heard many stories told

Amidst laughter and tears

And the sound of a drum and a song being sung as part of an Indigenous renaming ceremony

I have hugged my grandkids and told them again how much I love them

I have drank coffee and bought coffee for others

I have eaten supper with friends and studied the Word with other women

I have enjoyed fresh biscuits and jam and conversation

I’ve listened to the beautiful song of the chickadees that are loving the bird food on my deck

And I wait with anticipation for my Jays to realize I have peanuts for them again.

I am serenaded by the song that plays when my dryer is done, 

And the beeping that notifies me the dishes are clean.

Sure some work has been done

But for the most part it has been a slow week

A much needed slow week of pause.  Of reflection.  Of sitting with my thoughts.

It has not been a week that has been very visually productive

There is so much to clean and sort

To organize and to throw away

But instead I nestle in my big white chair that is facing the outside

And I sit and think

Read Scripture and highlight the same

Talk to God in prayer, and also in written journalling

It seems like my body does not want to move

As if it is protesting

And one wonders if the B12 liquid will ever do its job

To restore energy and dispel fatigue

Sure the walking feels good

But to do other things, seems like that can wait for now ..

Tomorrow 

I will do it tomorrow

Because today it just feels like there are too many thoughts to contend with and acknowledge

To many stories to hear and to keep safely

Too many feelings to hold in the depths of my being.

Im not trying to figure them out

It seems okay to just ..    hold them

I have walked

I have written

I have thought

I have now been yawning and I feel like nighttime is also coming for this gal

And tomorrow ~ 

I will walk again

For that, I am thankful

Because I know I do not walk alone

My thoughts that spin are okay to spin

The stories are safe to hold

This life is full and it is a journey

And I know who is walking it with me

Tonight, in the dark, with the wind, and the blowing chimes

I am thankful.