Hello Darkness my Old friend …
Somehow the music from Simon and Garfunkel's The Sound of Silence is playing through my thoughts
“Hello, darkness, my old friend
I’ve come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence ….”
It is an interesting song, and I really don’t relate to the other words in the verses, but the tune, and the first few lines
just seemed to have taken up residence in my thoughts tonight at midnight
Perhaps because the house is so quiet.
I can hear the creaks and pops that normally happen within a house
And it is so quiet, as my good man has gone downstairs for the night
I stayed up a while later as my head is so full of thoughts
that needed to find a place on paper
Otherwise they just keep me up when I do mosey on downstairs to bed
So as I said, it is quiet
oh, except for the loud ringing within my head
The constant ringing of my ears 24/7
Ringing
all
the
time..
*sigh, I wish it wasn't so, but it is
Usually I just get used to it,
Until the silence
And then it is just accentuated for me.
I really wish there was a solution for it
And that it would stop.
It has been a constant and unwanted ringing
for the past fifteen years
Constant.
I have a small juice glass of red wine beside me
Not because I have to drink it
But because I like the taste of red wine
And sometimes it makes me sleepy lol
So tonight I poured it to sip on while I write this.
Tonight it seems my thoughts are so jumbled up in my head
Waiting for a place to land
Perhaps on a page for others to read
Or just to land somewhere never to be thought of again
There are many thoughts as the day has been full
Full of emotion
Overfull actually, spilling out from yesterdays overflow
From the 6:45 am alarm that softly played to the tune of “Imagine”
Until now.
Emotions that seem to pile up at times
12 weeks
12 weeks of walking,
waiting,
sitting,
talking,
driving,
and praying
Emotions coming out of, surrounding, and at times they feel like they are ...
paralyzing
The 12 weeks feel like an eternity
for my sweet man
who does not sit idly EVER
Let alone to sit for 12 weeks
It is unbelievable actually
that within this time
he has remained dedicated to the task of laying low
But lately along with the surgery last week
Has come some heavy anxiety
And as I said to him today,
I think the enemy is having a heyday with it
Because it is very clear that the anxiety is at an all time high
And at times, it is like talking someone off a cliff
Well maybe that is a bit dramatic
But I know that he has said he doesn’t know what he would do
Without
Me
And while I could be flattered into thinking that I am his safe place
I know, that he could never do it with out our God
who sees this all
and walks with him
with us.
But I know he is glad to be with me
In the times when I am weak he can always talk me through it
And in the times when he is weak, I can do the same
That is what marriage
What companionship
What love
What Christian partnership
Is all about.
Helping the other see where God is in the midst of the hard,
The unknown
The unexpected
And even in the midst of the anxiety
That creeps up and onto a person
Like a boa constrictor wrapping around and squeezing out breath
I know that anxiety is like that
We all experience it differently
And yet some things are the same
Like the feeling of wanting to run and yell
let me out of here,
get out of my way,
let me get some air!
Perhaps you know what I am talking about.
Mine does not come full blown for a full day
But rather in instances that make me want to rip off everything that constricts me and get out into the open to
Just
Breathe
In …. Out
In … out
Breathe
The house is quiet
Except for any noise that I may make
I will quietly walk down the stairs,
Brush my teeth with minimal lights on
And then wander feeling my way in the dark to my side of the bed
Slip in beside his warm body
Peacefully sleeping
Body at rest
Anxiety gone
Breathing in a slow and steady rhythm that in itself
Causes a calm to settle in beside me
Under the flannel sheet
As my body settles
I will pray for those that God brings to mind
Remembering that I can concentrate better when I pray out loud
For me, praying out loud ~
it is just more helpful for me to do it that way
Praying in my mind silently makes me feel hmm,
maybe the word is confused,
as if my thoughts are trying to get out but are unable to the same way
Somehow names do not come to mind the same way as when I pray out loud
Letting my prayer rise to the Almighty
And with those prayers offered in the silence
Peace covers me like a blanket
Tucking me in
Holding me
Stilling my soul
Peace comes
And somehow anxiety is no where to be found
As body, soul, mind and spirit settle in and rest
in the stillness of the night
Hello darkness my old friend
In the darkness,
While I am not talking to you
I remember that this day was full of emotion
Full of thoughts, and prayers
Of gratitude spoken aloud
Of an overflowing heart
But right now
In the darkness of my home
And in the sound of silence
I am reminded that this darkness brings the gift
Wherein God’s presence calms me
The Spirit within holds me
My body can rest
And the sound of silence can be like a balm
Soothing my soul
And causing sleep to come
And tomorrow
A new day
I will begin once again
Lord willing
For now, I say
Good night
LORD thank you for this day.
