the sound of silence ...

Hello Darkness my Old friend …

Somehow the music from Simon and Garfunkel's The Sound of Silence is playing through my thoughts

“Hello, darkness, my old friend

I’ve come to talk with you again

Because a vision softly creeping

Left its seeds while I was sleeping

And the vision that was planted in my brain 

Still remains

Within the sound of silence ….”

It is an interesting song, and I really don’t relate to the other words in the verses, but the tune, and the first few lines 

just seemed to have taken up residence in my thoughts tonight at midnight

Perhaps because the house is so quiet.

I can hear the creaks and pops that normally happen within a house 

And it is so quiet, as my good man has gone downstairs for the night

I stayed up a while later as my head is so full of thoughts 

that needed to find a place on paper

Otherwise they just keep me up when I do mosey on downstairs to bed

So as I said, it is quiet

oh, except for the loud ringing within my head

The constant ringing of my ears 24/7

Ringing 

all 

the 

time..

*sigh, I wish it wasn't so, but it is

Usually I just get used to it, 

Until the silence

And then it is just accentuated for me.

I really wish there was a solution for it

And that it would stop.

It has been a constant and unwanted ringing

for the past fifteen years

Constant.

I have a small juice glass of red wine beside me

Not because I have to drink it

But because I like the taste of red wine

And sometimes it makes me sleepy lol

So tonight I poured it to sip on while I write this.

Tonight it seems my thoughts are so jumbled up in my head

Waiting for a place to land

Perhaps on a page for others to read

Or just to land somewhere never to be thought of again

There are many thoughts as the day has been full

Full of emotion

Overfull actually, spilling out from yesterdays overflow

From the 6:45 am alarm that softly played to the tune of “Imagine”

Until now.

Emotions that seem to pile up at times

12 weeks

12 weeks of walking, 

waiting, 

sitting, 

talking,

driving, 

and praying

Emotions coming out of, surrounding, and at times they feel like they are ...

paralyzing

The 12 weeks feel like an eternity 

for my sweet man 

who does not sit idly EVER

Let alone to sit for 12 weeks

It is unbelievable actually 

that within this time

he has remained dedicated to the task of laying low

But lately along with the surgery last week

Has come some heavy anxiety

And as I said to him today,

I think the enemy is having a heyday with it

Because it is very clear that the anxiety is at an all time high

And at times, it is like talking someone off a cliff

Well maybe that is a bit dramatic

But I know that he has said he doesn’t know what he would do

Without 

Me

And while I could be flattered into thinking that I am his safe place

I know, that he could never do it with out our God

who sees this all

and walks with him

with us.

But I know he is glad to be with me

In the times when I am weak he can always talk me through it

And in the times when he is weak, I can do the same

That is what marriage

What companionship

What love

What Christian partnership

Is all about.

Helping the other see where God is in the midst of the hard,

The unknown

The unexpected

And even in the midst of the anxiety 

That creeps up and onto a person

Like a boa constrictor wrapping around and squeezing out breath

I know that anxiety is like that

We all experience it differently

And yet some things are the same

Like the feeling of wanting to run and yell

let me out of here, 

get out of my way, 

let me get some air!

Perhaps you know what I am talking about.

Mine does not come full blown for a full day

But rather in instances that make me want to rip off everything that constricts me and get out into the open to 

Just 

Breathe

In …. Out

In …  out

Breathe

The house is quiet

Except for any noise that I may make

I will quietly walk down the stairs,

Brush my teeth with minimal lights on

And then wander feeling my way in the dark to my side of the bed

Slip in beside his warm body

Peacefully sleeping

Body at rest

Anxiety gone

Breathing in a slow and steady rhythm that in itself

Causes a calm to settle in beside me

Under the flannel sheet

As my body settles

I will pray for those that God brings to mind

Remembering that I can concentrate better when I pray out loud

For me, praying out loud ~ 

it is just more helpful for me to do it that way

Praying in my mind silently makes me feel hmm, 

maybe the word is confused,

as if my thoughts are trying to get out but are unable to the same way

Somehow names do not come to mind the same way as when I pray out loud

Letting my prayer rise to the Almighty

And with those prayers offered in the silence

Peace covers me like a blanket

Tucking me in

Holding me

Stilling my soul

Peace comes

And somehow anxiety is no where to be found

As body, soul, mind and spirit settle in and rest 

in the stillness of the night

Hello darkness my old friend

In the darkness, 

While I am not talking to you

I remember that this day was full of emotion

Full of thoughts, and prayers

Of gratitude spoken aloud

Of an overflowing heart

But right now

In the darkness of my home

And in the sound of silence

I am reminded that this darkness brings the gift

Wherein God’s presence calms me

The Spirit within holds me

My body can rest

And the sound of silence can be like a balm

Soothing my soul

And causing sleep to come 

And tomorrow

A new day

I will begin once again

Lord willing

For now, I say

Good night

LORD thank you for this day.