From Heaven the Lord looks down....

This morning, as I sat at our local coffee shop, Mountain Bean.... I had a good large cup of coffee, my Bible and my journal. The sun was yet to peak through onto the chairs and table where I sat. It was actually cold out there. (but even colder inside with the air conditioning). I love sitting out there on their patio. If I shut my eyes, it feels and sounds like I am away someplace on vacation. It is a great place to spend the first part of my morning. With Alvin dropped off at the firehall shortly after 7 am.... and not having to go into my office at church till 9 am... it meant that God and I had some time together.

God laid Psalm 33 on my heart. I have to admit, that when it began with sing joyfully, I really wondered if this was actually the Psalm he wanted me to read today. But I read on...

"....He is faithful in all he does...." Okay God, you know, I am really struggling with this one. After all, in regards to the birth and death of our little grandson.... we prayed for him, right from the first day when we heard.... we prayed. God, where is your faithfulness in that? I just don't understand. (I have realized that it is okay for me to wrestle with God on these thoughts. He is far bigger than my questions of doubt and perhaps mistrust at times??)

But as I read on, I was reminded again.... "the earth is full of his unfailing love."

Lord, I know we are covered with your unfailing love. I know you are faithful even if right now, I am not feeling like you are....

Vs 13 to 15 says that "from heaven the Lord looks down and sees all mankind" and that "he watches all who live on earth -- he who forms the hearts of all, who considers everything they do..."

I believe that as he looks down from heaven and sees me, and my kids.... our family.... that His heart breaks with us... that he grieves with us, as he carries us. And that "the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love..."

I know that I can not do it without God. I wouldn't want to even think about it. I also know that right now, it is really hard to do it with GOD!! It feels like each step is a chore, and sometimes it is one step forward and two steps back.

O Lord, you know me.... the one with all the questions. You have heard the ranting and raving from this granny's lips. You know that I love you, and that I do trust in you...

So, I will wait and hope for the LORD. You o Lord, are my help and my shield. And I know that my heart will once again rejoice...

O God, may your unfailing love rest upon me - my family - especially my kids who are grieving even deeper loss...

Lord, may your unfailing love rest upon us, as we put our hope in you.

O God, I don't know what else to say.

There are just no words to describe. But you know. O God, YOU KNOW.

Yet I will praise you Lord

I have just watched my Grandson Jay's dvd - and as always, I am affected by the song that accompanies it. It talks about praising God...

Praising Him in my brokenness, in my desparation, when I can't understand all that he has allowed. It is about praising Him when I can't see the reason for all of it. It is about trusting him, CHOOSING to trust him when when my heart is torn, when I feel deserted, when I am in the darkest valley. When my world is shattered, when it seems that all hope is gone.

About trusing HIM in my lonliness, and when I cannot hear God.

I realize that God must have gone through all of this pain too, when his son Jesus hung on the cross. And also that as Jesus intercedes on our behalf, he knows the pain too. This truly has felt like the darkest night of my soul. And yet, for my kids, who lost their son, it is all that more painful. I just can't imagine.

Here I sit at home. It is quiet as no one else is home. I seem to like this quietness. It gives me room to think, to pray, to journal. But then, I have always liked to have some of my own space from time to time, that's no secret.

But here I sit, and thoughts of my grandson flood my being. Again, it feels very real, but very surreal at the same time. Like it is just a bad dream. But it is not. I am a Granny, but my arms are empty. And while I grieve, I also grieve for my children.... and I just can't imagine the depth of their pain. I also grieve for my daughter and future son-in-law, as they were counting on being the greatest aunt and uncle around. I grieve for their loss too.

Sometimes life is just so hard. There are times when it seems like the valley is very deep. There are times when it seems God is both far away, and yet carrying us. Like right now.

This morning God laid Psalm 22 on my heart.... and I admit, sometimes it makes sense why, and other times, I think maybe I just thought God gave the psalm number to me. But today, as I went to get my Bible... and I read, it was the cry of my heart. "My God, my God, why have you abandoned me? why are you so far away when I groan for help. Every day I call to you, my God, but you do not answer. Every night you hear my voice but I find no relief. Yet, you are holy....." and then when David describes how he feels..."my life if poured out like water...my heart is like wax, melting within me..." (this is how Jesus felt on the cross. O Jesus thank you for going there for me!) and then "O Lord, do not stay far away! You are my strength; come quickly to my aid!" and then at the end of the Psalm, vs 29 and on.... "our children will also serve him. future generations will hear about the wonderf of the Lord. His reightous acts will be told to those not yet born. They will hear about everything he has done."

I have found comfort in this Psalm this morning... it said things that my heart is feeling... David is so like that! He went through so much...even losing a son himself. He is so transparent, putting his words on the page. The Psalms have been a comfort to our family especially over the last week and a half. I was thinking about the last verses though, and thinking ahead, as God gives more children to our family.... more grandchildren to my husband and I. I know that our firstborn grandson Jay's life will always be part of our lives, and will be shared ... and as we share about his life and his death, people will see how God carried us through it, how he gave us strength when it felt like there wasn't a shred of strength in our bodies to go on. We thank God that our children, all 4 are serving God, no matter what. We know that our story is one that is constantly being written... and I know that God knows all about it, and He is there for us.

So Lord today, on this beautiful day.... may I see your fingerprint all over it. Like you have often done, I ask again, that you would give me a "kiss" from you... so that I am reminded again, that even in this dark valley, you are there...

May your arms carry my kids through this time. May you give them strength in all areas of their being. O Lord, hear my prayer.

"even when my world is shattered and it seems all hope is gone...yet I will praise you Lord."

Great Love ---- Great Pain

I have become a grandmother - and my arms held my little grandson, although for only a brief time. My Grandson, his much awaited arrival, turned into the hardest pain that I have ever endured. Without any warning, without any reason, our little grandson Jay, was born and passed away July 24th, at 12:02 pm. He was the most perfect beautiful little guy that I have ever seen. Perfect. Completely Perfect. So why God? Why?

I have asked this question many times, and I am so glad that God is bigger than all my questions - all my ranting and raving. The thing is, all of these questions - who am I to know the mind of Christ. I figure I will ask this question until the day I die... and I think perhaps that is what I will ask God when I see him, but then again, when that time comes, I will likely just be so glad to be reunited with my little grandson, that the question will not be asked.

Nine months of carrying this little guy.... I have watched my son and daughter in law, and I believe that there is not a couple that were more prepared and so excited about their first born son's arrival! I know that for my husband and I - we had so many dreams of what we would do with our little grandson...

But within minutes, it all changed. It was unbelievable, and at times it still doesn't seem real. However, we know it is.

As we held our little guy - the tears fell. It was as if life stopped. And really, it did. For some reason, his life stopped somewhere between the womb and his entrance into our world on the outside. That day I became a Granny - a very proud one! And my husband became a Poppa.

We knew we loved him, but as each month passed, we loved him even more. I had often commented on how amazing that was, that we could love so deeply, without seeing him yet.

And then, we got to hold him... and we realized that the great pain we experienced then, and still now, was because of our great love for him.

Our grandson Jay, will always be the love of our lives. He made us into grandparents! And even though his little life was so brief, the impact he had on our hearts was so great. We will always remember him.

We walk through these days, alongside of our son and daughter in law - and at times we feel numb still. However, we know that God is carrying us, and is able to give us strength. I also believe that He does grieve with us, even though our little Jay is with him! We also get such comfort knowing that some of his grandparents are in Heaven, and no doubt enjoying him!

We are thankful for the prayers of those who have heard about us, and know and love us. We realize that however, there are also people praying, who don't know us well, but have heard. We are so thankful that we are part of this amazing body of Christ - and that God is our rock! We don't understand, but we believe. We don't know how to keep walking, but He gives us strength. We feel like we have no tears left to cry, but know that he collects our tears in a bottle.

We don't feel like the sun will shine again, but we know it will. Joy will come in the morning....

To our little grandson, Jay Benjamin.... we love you forever, we love you for always. As long as I'm living, my grandbaby you'll be!! (book: Love you forever by Robert Munsch)

The year I turn 50!

Well, it has come - and gone! The much anticipated 50th birthday!! And funny thing is, I don't feel any different! And yet, I can remember when I was little, and thought that 50 seemed ancient. Funny how things change when you are on the other side of the coin! This is a year of celebration! About a month ago, our kids surprised us - I don't think I have been so surprised in my life! There in the park were a potpourri of our friends and family - from all the areas of our life - family, friends from church, friends from outside of church, friends from our neighborhood - all mixed up and waiting for us to arrive so they could surprise us. The celebration was our 50th birthdays, our 30th anniversary (in Sept), our becoming grandparents (in July) and getting a new son in law in Sept. Amazing year, much like 2003 was (our 25th, Josh and Leah's wedding and Ash's grad). I love celebration! I love anytime my family is together. I love friends but realize that I am still struggling with trying to set boundaries in my life!

How do I deal with those - in the midst of the excitement of life! I am realizing alot about myself lately - perhaps that has to do with turning 50! I realize that I am a "do-er" and doers find it hard to "not do" things that they see needing to be done. We also have a hard time saying no to people! I am trying to set some boundaries, mainly so that I am not always "doing" and able to just "take in" the things that God has for me - in the gifts of family, friends, and just resting in his presence.

The other day, I decided to just sit with my Bible and my journal, and a great cup of coffee at Mountain Bean, which is a nice, new little coffee shop close to church. So, there I sat, outside on their patio area, with the sun shining on my back, and with my Bible. I could hear the traffic, and yet I felt like I was in this "other space" almost oblivious to the fullness of life around me - and just celebrating His Word and His presence for the first 45 minutes prior to starting my day at church. What a gift.

He is continuing to talk to me about the retreat vision He has entrusted to me. Along with that, the Lord laid Psalm 37 on my heart... and I realize that He does desire to give me the things of my heart. It is about trust, about committment -
I think that lately, with my life being a little overflowing in the "work" area of my life, I have realized that if the retreat center was open, I would be the steadiest customer!
I still believe that it is the desire of the Lord's heart, for this retreat center to open in Winnipeg - and I need to figure out how to set boundaries in some areas, so that I have room to proceed in other areas i.e. Women Refreshed at the Well.
So Lord, thank you for this day.... thank you for my life! God, you are so good. You have entrusted your vision for retreat for women on my heart - and I ask that you would show me how to proceed without anymore delay. I also ask Lord that you would help me to set healthy boundaries, so that I will experience your freedom in other areas, to move ahead as you see fit.
God, you are so good! I love you!

Christmas Past and New Year future

Seems like life is crazy full.... to say it was crazy busy perhaps would be even more accurate. While I hate the word busy as it implies a negative connotation, I am thinking that it would be more accurate. I have not had time lately to do the things I really love... like spending more time with my kids... like reading some of the great books I have waiting to be read... like meeting people for coffee "just because" it would be fun....like knitting.... or watching a funny movie... or just sitting and "being".

I have realized a few things about myself. Through the time off I had, helping to make Alvin's recovery easier, I realized that I struggled to be a good caregiver. Why was there such a struggle? I also realize that I spread myself too thin - trying to be all things for all people. not sure why, as I really don't think people expect that from me. I realize I am not good at delegation. Even over the christmas meals, I found it hard to delegate when people asked.
I realize that when I get stressed and busy, the first things that go out the window are things that mean alot to me.... exercise, good eating... laughter.
Oh Lord, help me to laugh more. I want to enjoy life to the fullest.

Live life to the MAX!! Okay so what does living life to the max look like for Joy Klassen? Me, the least adventurous... the one who hates to have any attention drawn to myself, whether it be kareoke, or dancing, or whatever.
But I want to live to the Max. Lord, i am really relying on you to make this very clear and obvious in my life. give me strength, and courage if needed.
Lately I have this sense within my being, that God is doing something new. This is exciting, exhilarating, and scary at the same time. Although I know he uses the ordinary to make extraordiniary, so not sure why it is scary, other than it is unknown. I feel like I am perhaps being gently removed .... Lord, is that it?
I also believe that your desire to get things going with the retreat center. Please direct my thoughts, my prayers, my actions as you desire.

Help me to GO BIG OR GO HOME!
for you Jesus... for you.
Thank you for this season, for your birth which we celebrated. Be my strenght Lord, please be my strength. amen.
I love you Jesus.
joy

Lose It For Life

Lose it for life -- the name of a book I am reading, a workbook that I am doing, a website that I check into, and a ministry that offers small group coaching with a counsellor, and with others that become an accountability group. Lose if for life... it is my prayer that this will be the year of my life that I do lose it.. the weight that is.
You see, my weight has become like a millstone around my neck. I realize how much it impacts my decisions, my activity, my attitude, my mood, my relationships with my family and friends, and yep, my checkbook.
The other day, as I was rereading an old journal, I realize that this is a struggle that I have had most of my life. I also realize that it is a struggle that is for me, very much spiritually linked. I realize it is all about surrender.
Surrender, a word that we don't use very often. Even now again as I write this, the words from an old hymn surface... all to Jesus, I surrender, all to him I freely give...
Hmmmm.... seems that I have been surrendering very little lately. I have held on to my feelings, my hurts, my dreams, my desires.... perhaps journalling them, but holding them dear to me. Especially when they are tied up in the way I feel about myself, or about how discouraged I feel about myself, or the things that I have not done well. But I realize that He is My Strength... so what is the problem. My questions continue to be "God, why can I not claim victory through this stronghold?" "Why do I continue to give it to you, only taking it back a while later?" "Why do I continue to see comfort in the thing that only comforts for the moment (food) and then causes such great distress?"

I began small group coaching last night, and have felt so encouraged. It was life-giving. I don't know why it was so different.. but it was. I have encouragment through my immediate family, and thank God for that. My kids and husband are very encouraging, but somehow this group I think will be the additional key to get me through. I pray that it will be. Lord, thank you for Lose It For Life minsitry. Thank you for the new friends I have made through this ministry and its extensions. Thank you that today, I feel like there is new hope. Thank you for speaking to me through words and affirmation in scripture, through my family, and through my new friends who are helping to keep me accountable. Lord, be my strength. My fortress. Help me to run to you, and not to food!!

My goal is 55 pounds. My temporary goal is 20. I also have a goal for January 13th when I board the plane for Thailand. It is about 9 weeks away. Who knows what I will be down, but I hope it is good! May this be the start of the rest of my life!
I want to live a strong and healthy life. I want to be able to help my kids, play with my grandkids (whenever I get them) and to enjoy life to the max with my husband.
I want to be WHOLE - emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically.
Lord, be the center of all things in my life. Thank you in advance for all that you are going to do in and through me and my family. Glory to God!

First Snow

Well, it has come - the first snow of the season. They said flurries, and yet when we awoke, the ground was covered with a light blanket of snow. I am on holidays, and I thought that it would be good if it snowed during this time as I would be home snug as a bug, (or as a country mouse!) and not have to worry about slippery highways, as I came home from work late. But wouldn't you know it, it snowed on the day that I had to drive my husband - as he had shoulder surgery - and with the anesthetic, had to have someone accompany him. I think it was maybe God's sense of humor!

It is the first week of November, and I look and see that I have not posted since Thanksgiving. I guess it was after that, that everything broke loose with my schedule. My life went wild, and became overwhelmingly full, and well me, I didn't do so good under all the stress of it. Somewhere between good and very good, things turned a little bad. I don't do well at that point with stress. When I am physically tired, it seems everything else gets tired. Emotionally I had seen the well known "little red flags" popping up along the way. Somehow I guess I could handle them, and well, I just didn't worry too much about them, because my holidays were coming.
My summer holidays - which I had saved so we could go and work in Churchill... that was another "GOD thing" in my life. All those well conceived plans fell apart, and meant that we would both be staying home. Then my husband got called on the surgery cancellation list, and the rest is history, which brings me to today.

A dreary grey cold day - the only thing warm about it, is the warmth I could feel coming from the wood boiler outside as I wrestled with the logs to put them in. The logs -- thank you God for a son, a daughter's boyfriend and a good friend who came and put up our wood for the winter. With one arm out of commission, there was no way it would otherwise have gotten done. But now as I look at those neatly stacked piles of wood, I feel overwhelmed at knowing that most of the wood, will be put in the boiler by me. Lord, help my strained arm not to flare up again. And is this why my lower back is already hurting. Help me to not grumble. Oh Lord, please, help me to not grumble.

The good thing... our house is nice and warm!

November - Friday marked 10 years since my dad passed away. Oh how I miss him. I miss his voice, his prayers, his hugs, and the way he always seemed to know what to say to bring peace to me and my situations. Lately I have been feeling more needy than usual. I don't like that feeling, or should I say, I realize I don't like the feeling of knowing that others are aware of it.

I can't figure out this mood that I am in - a little bit of a funk. Sort of down, a great bit tired, but overall okay. I am praying that God reveals His will for me within the next few weeks. Something has to change in regards to work load, and obligations along with the things that I love to do. And toss in the desire to get the retreat place up and running. I think that is the thing that has me feeling this way, slightly overwhelmed even though I am on holidays. I need to let go and let GOD. Lord, I give it to you.

And the last thing on this post is the fact that I continue to struggle with my weight. I think this is a safe place to post since at this point, noone knows about this blog except my kids, and I don't think it is a sight even they will think of coming to often. So, it is like my journal, except out there... for any eye to see. Maybe I have already said way too much. Maybe I am really that naive as my son said in jest, to think that a blog would be so innocent.
Oh ya, back to the weight thing. What a sad moment when I finally got my sorry butt back into WW last week. Just when I thought it would only be a couple pounds up (after a bit of a time away) it was double. NOT GOOD! At this weight, my weight loss will certainly be worth its weight in gold. Anyhow, back into WW, and back on it, and have struggled with each day. Today is better. I just need normality in my life. (normality?? what is that??)
I have received a gift of a new friend however, through Lose It For Life. She and I have been emailing and working on accountability, and it is great. I realize that I struggle with fear of failure in regards to this weight thing, and perhaps that is why I always "self destruct" after a few weeks. But this time, Lord, you are my strength, and this time, I want to totally count on you to help me claim this victory.

My temporary goal is to lose about 15-20 pounds by January 13th. I think I will post along the way, (even if it is for my own purpose!). I have decided to go back to counting this week one.
So, week one, here I go... say no to chocolate!! Say no to pumpkin spice latte's from Starbucks... Say no to empty calories and yes to all that brings life to my body. Sooner or later, I have to get rid of these pounds. This is the year. By 50, I would love to be fat-free!! (smile)

So much for my whining.... regardless, I want to live to the fullest. (which the weight loss will only help me to do even better!) Perhaps I am a little naive and perhaps I have been too transparent here with my posting of my thoughts... I guess I can just hope that no one reads it!! (smile) All whining aside, life is good - I thank God for my family, especially my husband and kids. I am a very blessed woman.
Later!