Experiencing and incredible sense of peace --- it has to be GOD!

Today was a gift.... an incredible gift. I know that God had alot to do with this day, and the profound sense of peace that has come over me. It actually took me off guard. After three solid weeks of working early morning to very late in the night, I was finding myself really tired. In fact, so tired that I could barely function. And really, that did not (never does) look very pretty. While I think of myself as easy going, and good natured..... I find that I have been easily overwhelmed, and can become cynical and resentful. And while I am in that spot, try as I might, it is hard to get out of that pit.

This week was so hard.... so emotionally hard, and physically hard.... and I worked long into the night preparing for today. I finally called it a night at half past midnite and set my alarm for 5 thirthy this morning. (only to turn it to snooze a few times!)

This week I felt a deja vu moment when I remembered the day I almost drowned.... and I was feeling like this again... that was, until this morning.
Having got to church, and spending time in the prayer chapel, it was only when I sat down next to my husband in the pew, that I realized how peaceful I felt. It was so tangible. I love it when God works in our lives like this. During one of the songs, I leaned over and told my husband that someone must have been praying for me, because I had a strange sense of peace. I knew without a doubt that it was all about God!! You see, it has been a long time since I felt peace.
Lord God, thank you for your gift of peace in my life!

Saturday Thoughts

(this picture of these wild flowers was taken at the cemetary where my little grandson's body was laid to rest. )

It has been a sunny and windy day - Saturday. A quiet day. With my housecleaning done, thanks to my daughter Ashley, I have had alot of "space" to (as my counsellor put it) "just be"...

A walk first thing in the morning, with my dog Oreo. He just loves it when he realizes that one of us (or both) is hitting the road for a walk! So, today he walked with me alone. As I was walking, I realize that this road, Springfield Road, has been watered by many, many of my tears over the last few years. Tears when I was walking through my depression, through my moms death, a year later through my dad's death.... tears over my kids leaving home (although that was good, they had grown up and were doing what we prayed they would do, be able to fly on their own) ... there were still tears as I adjusted to the next stage in life that of "empty nest"... for a while I didn't drop any tears on the dusty road, until my grandson Jay died. Now I am walking and weeping often again.

Today I walked, but I didn't weep. However, I thought of it all... and realized that if we ever move, I will miss this dusty gravel road, that I have traveled over and over the past 25 years. Half of my life has been spent in this country home. WOW...

I went to the farmers market today, and then watched an outdoor wedding happen at Pineridge Hollow, where I had first just wandered around looking at the market. of course, I am also in the wedding mode, with our daughter getting married in a day less than four weeks. Again, the surreal and realness of grief meets the realness of wedding joy.... I keep wondering how we do this all at the same time, and thank God for the time-released grace that He gives for each new day!

And then, I travelled down the gravel road to the cemetary.... I had my journal, my lawnchair, and a little bouquet of flowers to put on my grandson's grave. I can't put my finger on it, but today, as I prayed with my husband before he left for the day, I wept... and then I felt compelled to go and just sit at Sunnyside Cemetary. It was so quiet there, although the wind had come up. The sound of the trees rustling was music to my ears. There were birds flying. A couple cars came through while I was there, and I couldn't help but think that perhaps they were a little mystified to see someone sitting in a lawnchair at the foot of a new grave.

Actually my grandson's grave doesn't look so "new" anymore, as my son Josh went during the week and took away the extra gravel mound, and put some black earth on it... and moved his little marker to the head of the spot. As I sat there, I journalled. Seems that it is a way that I can talk to God... although talking to him has always been easy. Try as I might, the "why God?" still comes out of my lips. I realize that even though I ask Him still, that I know in my heart that God doesn't owe me any explanation, and that He loves me more than I realize, and is okay with my big questions. I realize that I will likely never know the reason why, at least not this side of heaven, and I have a feeling that when I get to glory, the reason won't seem so important anymore.

I have thought alot about heaven lately. Infact, thinking of my parents, and my father in law already in heaven, have been great comfort when Jay passed away. When my husband dreamt about Jay, I could not help but ask God for a glimpse of heaven in my sleep too...

So far it hasn't happened, but I am still praying that one night God gives me a little glimpse of my grandson in heaven!

It seems that life has just really taken on a different perspective. It feels like we just can't even take our life for granted. Not that I thought we were , but looking back, I think we did.

The bible talks about our life being but a breath - and it truly is.

God knows the length of our days, as it said in Psalm 139 "before even one of them came to be."

Psalm 139 has been my favorite Psalm, and now it will forever be attached to my Grandson Jay.

Outside now, the night is upon us. The wind is blowing. There are storm watches. And I feel like in my heart, there is a wind blowing as well. I am still just doing life.... trying to enjoy each amazing moment - trying to experience the joy of my daughter's wedding - trying to remember all the joy of watching my grandson grow as Leah carried him - trying to process the deep grief - and all the time wondering if the pieces of our hearts will come together. That was what made the tears come this morning, as I prayed for my husband, and then before I said amen, I asked God to somehow, please bring the pieces of our heart together. This is my prayer, to God who knows all, and loves me so much. The one who has the answer to my whys. The God who delights in hearing me speak. The God to whom I am expecting much, and having faith that He is going to do a miracle!! Have faith - expect Miracles. O God, hear my prayer. Amen. Good night!

A full schedule is merely a distraction...

Today I found myself feeling aimless in many ways. And sad. And while I feel like there are no tears left to cry, then the floodgates open, and the tears run. I have seen a counsellor, and I thank God that there are gifted, trained women (and men I am sure...) out there, who can help me through the tough stuff in life. "Even when my heart is torn.... even when I feel deserted....when I feel like hope is gone...yet I will praise you Lord." I have gone through the most intense weeks of my life, these past four weeks. And, there are times when I feel distracted with the fullness of a work schedule that just does not let up.... in fact, in the middle of this whole in my heart - (the whole that is left by the million shattered pieces of my heart...) In the middle of it all, "the show must go on" .... there is work to be done, there are ministries to be run... just because my life is feeling like it is suspended in time - I realize that everything around me, everyone around me... LIFE IN GENERAL... carries on. The schedule that I have tried to bring "balance" to (if there is such a thing) has only seemingly gotten more heavy with each passing week. And somehow, in the midst of it, regardless of our shattered hearts - deadlines must be met! And as I sit here today - I realize that this full schedule which has often had me quite down and discouraged, is really just a distraction. Because while I am at my workplace, it often seems like my life/emotions/thoughts/tears get pushed a little farther back, and I operate on rote.... but when God brings a friend into my work space, or an email from someone, or a phonecall - I am zipped back into the painful reality of having lost our little Jay -

I guess sometimes distraction is okay. But, it just means that when I am alone, it all comes tumbling onto me again...
My summer was marked by specific markers - first my 50th birthday - then Jay's birthday and then two months later, Ash and Mike's wedding. We are also planning the wedding, and yet, it still feels like we are waiting for Jay. How does that work?

Today as I sat and visited with the other grandma, I realized that this whole walk through the deep dark valley, is a walk that we will journey for a long time... it is just not something you "get better from " or "get over" contrary to what some people believe. I am not even sure if time heals wounds... I think it just looks different over time...
Today as I went about my day, I found that I was feeling more and more sad. I talked alot about my grandson Jay today. I even told strangers about him. And I realize that I am a very proud Granny.

God thank you for giving me those months of being able to feel Jay kick... and watching the movement, and those times of praying for him, hoping and dreaming about him, and making his rag quilt .... Those were not distractions, those were very real.
Of God, thank you , thank you, thank you!

I have faith in God that it will happen just as he told me....

I believe in the power of prayer. It is a language of my heart... and I believe that it is also part of the gifts that I have been given through the power of the Holy Spirit. Today my husband and I were talking about how we are praying.... and whether it is hard to pray in case we are hurt again. I have to be honest. I struggle with how God answered our prayers on behalf of our little grandson Jay. But, I know that God knows all that.

So today, I decided while sitting in church, that some scripture really jumped out at me, and I think this was a God-thing.... so that I knew how to pray! And, I have decided that I need to thank God for his answer, even though it maybe a long time away.

And then, I read the most amazing story out of a new devotional my good friend Tracy gave us. It began with the verse from Acts 27:25 that says, "I have faith in God that it will happen just as he told me." The story that accompanied it was amazing.... about how George Mueller (passenger on board a ship) came to speak with the captain of the ship, telling him that he needed to get to a certain destination by a certain date, and he thought that they should go to the chartroom to pray! IT says in the devotional that the captain had never met someone like this... and he answered to George Mueller... that the fog was so dense, did he realize that, to which George replied, "no, his eyes is not on the fog but on the living God who controls every circumstand of his life." And then, he knelt down and prayed. Then, told the captain that he wouldn't have to pray, since he (the captain) didn't believe God would answer anyhow.
And that anyhow, the fog had cleared. Sure enough, it was gone!

I believe God answers my prayers.... and so today Lord, you know the cry of my heart... the cry for my children. Lord, hear our prayers! Show favor to us Lord we pray. And we thank you for what you are going to do. amen.

As for me and my house... we will serve the Lord

I have realized that tragedy makes you take a good long look at life. It makes you ask tons of questions - and there are times when faith looks more academic .... more "head" knowlege verses "feeling it in your being." I am so glad that God, He knows all this about me, and I trust that He is okay with my ranting.

I have realized that it is during this time, that the faith and prayers of others, truly carry you. It is tangible! I have felt this before. It is this, the fact that I know God is faithful - I have seen that in my life, in my parents life, and in the life of my grandparents! I know that there has been a legacy of faith that has been passed down. Although each of us has to make our relationship with Jesus, our own. We don't get into heaven on the shirttale of a parent!!

I have realized, and have been also reminded by my daughter - in -law, that in this life, in regards to tragedy, we have two choices.... to go through it WITH GOD or to go through it WITHOUT GOD. And, I have chosen WITH GOD.
In fact, we have all chosen to do it WITH GOD.

I have realized that our grief is in many layers. We grieve as we have lost our long awaited grandbaby! We grieve as we see our kids in so much pain, even deeper than ours. No one should ever have to bury their children! We grieve as we see the pain in our daughter and future son in law who have lost their little anticipated Kanoke!! (That is what we were nicknaming our little Jay). Sometimes in the midst of our own pain, I forget that they were anticipating being an auntie and uncle to this little one! Their pain is deep too.

We grieve, although we have hope that we will see and hug our little Jay again...
We have comfort knowing that one day we will be reunited.

We could do it without God, but why would we even consider that? It would make more sense. As for me and my house.... we will serve the Lord. We will praise him... We will do it WITH GOD. We may still rant, we may still have more questions... but He is going to be our strength.
O God.... give us joy again.

If Only

My arms ache
My ears are attuned
My eyes fall on little children and I feel - in the very pit of my being
a sense of hurt, excitement, injustice, abandonment, anger, joy, love and hope
all rolled into my being
An ache that is constantly there
If only I had held him more, and talked less on the phone that day
If only I had opened up his little blanket and examined his little shoulders and belly and limbs
If only I had opened his little eyelids and gazed at the blueness of his eyes
If only I had sand "Bye Baby Bunting" to him
or whispered I LOVE YOU JAY one more time
If only....


If only - in those last 5 minutes, he had breathed, or his heart had continued to beat
If only instead of weeping in deep sorrow, we had wept tears of joy
If only - instead of a white rose taped to a closed hospital room door, it had been swung wide open unable to contain the people rejoicing
If only I had taken more time to smell him - that amazing new baby smell
If only I had kissed each of his little ears, and each little finger and toe
If only he would have breathed
O Lord - if only


If only the kids would have carried him out to their car, instead of a green box containing his memories and hearts that were shattered in a million pieces
If only their nursery would be dim because he was asleep in his crib,
intead of dark and dim because it hurt so much to see it prepared but empty

If only their album was full of pictures of Jay alive,
instead of him asleep in Jesus.
O God - if only
There are too many if only's
Too many.

If only this bad nightmare would go away and we could roll back the hands of time and do it over again - only that it would have a different ending.
O God, if only.

Lord, hear the cries of our heart
You know and feel our sadness and pain.
You collect our tears in a bottle.

O Lord, bring us through this intact, whole, complete and trusting.

Because although we don't understand, we are choosing to trust you on this.

yet I WILL PRAISE YOU LORD

When our Grandson Jay Benjamin Klassen was born and passed away on July 24th, 2008 at 12:02, our son's best friend came and took beautiful pictures of our grandson and his mommy and daddy. It is all we have, and they are a gift beyond words.

He put the songs into a dvd format, and put the song I WILL PRAISE YOU LORD to the photos.

Amazing song. How is it, that a song can capture all of the thoughts of my heart. Of OUR hearts.

I would like to find out the story behind it... but have written out the words, and they run through my mind and across my heart more times in a day than I can recall.

I WILL PRAISE YOU

I will praise You Lord my God

Even in my brokenness I will praise You Lord

I will praise You Lord my God

Even in my desperation I will praise You Lord

And I can't understand All that You allow

I just can't see the reason

But my life is in Your hands

And though I cannot see You

I choose to trust You

Even when my heart is torn I will praise (trust) You Lord

Even when I feel deserted I will praise (trust) You Lord

Even in my darkest valley I will praise (trust) You Lord

And when my world is shattered and it seems all hope is gone

Yet I will praise You Lord

I will trust You Lord my God

Even in my loneliness I will trust You Lord

I will trust You Lord my God

Even when I cannot hear You I will trust You Lord

And I will not forget That You hung on a cross Lord You bled and died for me

And if I have to suffer I know that You've been there

And I know that You're here now

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have learned that right now, praising is hard. But when I do, I feel lifted

I have learned that right now trusting is hard.... because I feel like I had trusted/entrusted my grandson's life to God...

BUT, when I look back on God, his faithfulness....I know he is trustworthy, even if I don't feel it right now. God is okay with me asking/thinking/saying that. He still love me regardless of my doubts.

Today, God took me to Psalm 23.... especially the verse about the valley of the shadow of death. Oh, this is where I feel like we are still walking.

I love the verse about God restoring our souls.

This today, is my prayer...