My "JOY" Basket

Wow.... I have been blown away by love. Yesterday, I was talking with my good friend Judy, to see if she was around for coffee at Mountain Bean, and well unfortunately, she had taken an extra shift and was working. So I went about my afternoon and spent some time at the Bean, just journalling and working through some scripture...I love doing that at the Mountain Bean. Something about the atmosphere there. :)

Later, I picked up Alvin from work, and before we went home, checked back with Judy to see if they wanted to meet us for coffee... and well, it ended up being an impromptu invitation by her to come for supper, which she was just making. So, off we went, for a great time of food (she is an amazing cook) and fellowship around the table and also around their fireplace. And might I add, some fun conversation and many, many laughs!!

And then, came the overwhelming part.... when she explained that the huge basket of gifts, and the bags around it, were for me, and some were for the both of us, just because we are loved....

You know, it is a funny thing. At this point, I have been away from work for almost a month (two weeks of holidays, and almost two weeks of being A.W.O.L.) And, as someone suggested the other day "is your email and phone overrun with messages?" to which I said no, that wasn't the case, BUT I have talked with a few people... many through email or facebook, including each of the staff I work with, and a handful of close friends from our church, and also our good young friends from our caregroup (these young couples breathe life into these dry bones!) ... and I have had coffee and supper with some friends as well, including a few men who are good friends with Alvin. AND, really I am not complaining because I really do not need nor do I want to be telling and retelling my story to everyone, and really, most people don't want to know, or need to know... that is the reality of life, and how it stops for some, while it marches on for others. But, that being said, I have thought how one could literally walk away and perhaps not be missed. I know, I know.... that isn't true right? But really, how many times have we/I noticed that we haven't seen someone at church in a long time, but haven't tried to contact them? I am guilty of that too.
So, anyhow, Alvin and I have talked about this.... in fact right after I had been hugged up and chatted with Karis (while getting the next Esther DVD) we talked all the way to Lloyd and Judy's about missing people, and about people perhaps missing us but "giving us space". Yep, I have done that too, but have also through our walk with grief, realized that "giving space" to someone who needs it, is really not the thing to do... because people need to be cared for, and the grieving person themself, should be the one to say "I need my space" if that is truly what they need. Okay, I am rambling....

Anyhow, we had been talking on the way to their house, about our experience, and about how perhaps we have treated people who were in our position in the past, and how we feel we are wiser in some ways now through our current journey (one which we would never ever have picked ourselves, and pray no one else ever walks this..)

And then, we get THIS BASKET.... you can call it a number of things, A "sunshine" or "joy" basket, which was on the label. The long and the short of it is, it was put together by people (friends) who love, pray and want to encourage me/us through this long and dark and deep walk through grief, and into healing. And, I/we were and are blown away.

Last night, I opened the loose cards, and quickly realized they weren't just cards, but each one held a treat of some kind...

This morning, I opened a gift that had a prayer blanket in it... lovingly made... actually by someone whom I had made a prayer shawl for... and it is around me right now. I opened this bag because when I carried it, I felt it and thought perhaps this could be what it was.

I am blown away. I am thankful. I am once again reminded that God puts people in our lives who love us and pray for us, and encourage and yes, remember us when we are away. People who are there in the background, and in the forefront. People who are there when it feels quiet and lonely... I am truly thankful.

I have many gifts to open.... and will look forward to each morning, and the treat that it brings. And, I will thank God for each person attached to the gift, and if it is anonymous, I will still thank God, because He knows the hand that wrapped the gift and gave it to Judy.

So, if you are reading this, and you have been a part of this Joy basket.... my thanks... from the bottom of my heart.... the broken heart, whose pieces are slowly but surely coming back together. O God, thank you for friends.

Sitting with God in the midst of Grief

Today when I went on facebook, I saw a note written by one of my kids friends, Lisa. Her note touched me deeply. As I read it, I saw that her words were expressions of my own. Her struggling with God since Jay was born silently. A “feeling of being so let down by the one person you thought “had your back” ….. (part of Lisa’s note)
I understand Lisa’s thoughts so well. She is someone who has dared to express what she feels, and her disappointment I guess, with God. Somehow, it is comforting to know that someone else realizes/feels/experiences this in some way.

And for me, it brought back to the surface, a bunch of hurt that I am carrying around – I know it is obviously my problem, but it is there…just below the surface, where I have had to tuck it for now. I have a few months to deal with “hurt feelings” and since it does not include those who are in my family or close friends, I can leave it out there for now. Right now, that seems trivial compared to what I need to do to work through the grief, taking it each day at a time, and sitting with my thoughts, which involve remembering when I first held my little grandbaby, and snuggled him. As I do this, you have to believe that the thoughts that Lisa expressed, plus way more… come right to the surface… and right in my face. I am writing several pages in my journal these days. I am waking up with my family on my mind… I am going to bed with my family on my thoughts…I am laying awake giving them and our future to God.

Since God lifted the “dark cloud” on January 10, I have to say that I feel in tune with him again… I still don’t understand what He did, or allowed, or what He is doing, nor do I understand his timing, or what I can say his un-timing… but I feel God again…
I am so thankful that the cloud has lifted so I can “see” more clearly.

On this leave, I have enjoyed the time to just “sit” with God…
I have also just recently begun doing a Beth Moore Bible Study (on my own) and it is called ESTHER: its tough being a woman. And yesterday, as I watched the CD, Beth said something that hit my heart. Okay, she said many things… but this one thing,
She talked about when she walked through “the dark night of the soul” (yep, been there…) and how it was amazing when she felt like the dark had lifted. She talked about the times when we can’t find God/feel God but that we KNOW he is there! (yep. Know what she is talking about there too.)

I know that I have asked God to do something, pretty specific. (as if God doesn’t know what He wants to do, and needs my help). I have also asked God about his timing, and have shared with him how much doing a miracle would be for His honor and glory! And, we continue to wait, and wonder, and ask…
Beth Moore said this….maybe, could it be that
“God is building our faith to see something that we are hardly going to believe when it comes to full revelation?”

Oh God, please, YES…. I hope so. I don’t understand why you allowed Jay’s heart to stop. I don’t understand why you didn’t make it beat again as we prayed for you to do that. I don’t understand why a baby so complete and perfect was born silently. I don’t understand why you continue to allow other babies to come into families, and yet took our little one “home” for yourself. BUT GOD… I do want to believe that you are building our faith (even though at times it feels like it is not there) and I want to believe that we are going to see something that we are hardly going to believe when it comes to full revelation!! God, only YOU can do that. Only YOU can make shattered pieces come back together. Only YOU can do a miracle that will prove that although we don’t see it now, that you DO have it under YOUR power and Control, because YOU ALONE are SOVEREIGN> YOU ALONE ARE GOD.

God, I give you my day, my week, my month.
I also ask that you would continue to work out my faith…
I thank you that salvation in YOU is secure, even though at times I am wavering like a ship on the sea.
I thank you that I know that through generations, you have been faithful, even though at times, I have questioned your faithfulness.
I thank you that when I talk to you, I know you hear, and I know that you are going to answer.
Give me patience as I wait. Draw me near Lord, so near I can feel your heartbeat.
Oh Lord, draw me, and my family near.

Oreo teaches me about my walk with God

This morning, at 8 am, I went outside with our dog Oreo, and decided to get a walk in. The sky was already showing the promise of a nice new day. Oreo was so excited that I was out, and taking him for a walk, or vice versa! 

I went to the “back 40” to the road that Alvin had groomed again yesterday, taking away the drifts of snow that had come across it over the past few days. It is easier walking this way, and I love that my husband does this for me.

I decided to walk the path twice – and while I walked, I listened, I thought and I prayed. I loved the silence, at the same time I loved watching creation around me. Front and foremost was Oreo. It is much easier to take him on this walk, as there are no speeding cars chasing by, that we have to watch out for him. Oreo is quite deaf, and quite blind.
Anyhow, as soon as he gets the impression that we are walking a certain way, he is off…. chasing ahead of me. Once in a while, he checks around, to see if he can see us moving forward, or if we have turned around. I guess he sees the shadow of us and can tell the direction.

Anyhow, this morning, I was talking to God… telling him what was on my heart (as if he doesn’t know without me telling him… ) I think he just loves me coming to him, and so I come. I came to the end of the path, and turned around to double back. All of a sudden, Oreo, realizing I had turned, goes whipping past me – full speed ahead! All of a sudden, I had just received an object lesson. I realized that sometimes I am like that. I think I know the direction God is going… and all of a sudden, I run ahead, sometimes turning around to check and see that God is still coming along, and sometimes getting so far ahead of God, thinking I know exactly what he is going to do, where he is going to go, how he is going to come along… only to realize I am so far ahead on my own journey!!
With that, God laid a couple lines from an old hymn I remember singing …
“where He leads me, I will follow
where He leads me, I will follow
where He leads me, I will follow
I will follow, follow, close to Him.”
(I think that is the last line…)

And it made me think, my life with Jesus is about following HIM… not Him following me. It is about following close to Him….
This means that I may not always see where He is leading…
I may be like Oreo, “blinded” to where God is actually leading…
But trusting Him for the journey, and knowing that God is never going to take me someplace that He does not want me to go! Hmmm…..
Lord, Help me to follow you, regardless of whether I see the whole way or not.
Help me to follow so closely, that I have my hand in yours..
And that I can hear and feel your heart beat.
Jesus, where you lead me – I WILL follow…. Lord, give me strength and courage for the journey. And, great trust.
I love you Jesus.

Randomness...

I am sitting here this morning, looking out the window, watching the flag wave in the wind, and the hugest squirrels run across the yard. Alvin and I walked outside shortly after eight am., then came in and ate breakfast, and now I thought I would just "muse" for a while...

So here are my random thoughts on things I love... just as they come to my mind.

I love a good cup of coffee, usually black, but sometimes with cream. Never milk, only cream! I love watching my four kids banter with one another. I love that my kids love being with us just hanging out! I love popcorn. I love it when our dog Oreo puts his front legs on us, and wants to be petted. I love watching the white clouds on a blue sky. I love snuggling with my husband. I love the smell of fresh sheets, especially pillowcases. I love dancing when no one is watching. I love Jesus! I love reading my parents old journals. I love finding old pictures. I love looking at how much my kids love life. I love the smell of babies. I love the memories of my little grandson, and I remember I loved his smell too. I will always love my little Jay. I love watching birds. I love the sound of a train whistle. I love to feel the warmth of a kitten and I love the purr that it makes when contented. I love a clean house. I love a glass of red wine. I love my extended family. I love the memories of growing up and how much my parents loved me. I love reading. I love watching the movie CITY OF ANGELS. I love travelling, especially with my kids. I love the sound of the ocean, espcially when i am laying with my eyes closed on the sand. I love my friends. I love unexpected letters/cards in the mail from someone who loves me. I love to laugh till tears roll down my cheeks, and I do that alot with my kids and husband. I love doing Beth Moore's Bible Studies. I love worship music. I love going to see and listen to Steve Bell's with the WSO.
I love the hugs I get from little kids. I love to bake. I love to eat my baking!! (or any one else's). I love to go to the cottage.

I am just sitting down, a few hours later, with another good cup of black coffee. Let's see.... what else do I love:
I love the twinkle in my husband's eye - I love the way he can do anything that needs to be done - I love the way my son's eyes water just before he tells you something funny - I love the way Leah can take her hair and just put it up, and it always looks beautiful - I love the way my daughter just sings, riht from her heart, this has always been one of her languages - I love watching Michael as he taps his fingers on his leg (as if drumming) when he hears music - I love having my kids all around the table - I love how they are such a strong source of encouragement - I love how we band together to make a strong united front - I love that we can laugh, cry, and talk together - I love getting texts from my kids - I love travelling together, making memories, taking goofy pictures and just plain getting along.

I love Jesus. (I said that before) I love that He has given me so many gifts - and blessings. I love that He has also carried me/us through incredible dark and deep waters.

I love being a wife, a mom, a granny. I love being a daughter, a sister, and auntie and a friend. I love my extended family more than they know. I love my friends and the way they seem to take chances on me.

I love life...,,Thank you Jesus.
Thank you for allowing me to LOVE.

There is absolutely no man like mine!

It is 3:36 am Manitoba time. I know NOW that once I get into bed, I will not be coming out of it at 6 am to do what I just blogged about. There is just no way.
It is freezing cold outside. I just came inside, after helping Alvin with the wood boiler. And he is still outside working, in the cold, where he has been since we got home tonight at about 9:15 or so.

My husband, is one of a kind. The only man I know that is a jack of all trades and a master of all of them. There is not one single thing that has broken in our place that he has not been able to fix. He is a builder, a renovator, a fixer.... and that is all on top of being the most incredible husband I could ever have been given. Tonight, there I was, freezing (yep, a little wimpy I am!!) and I did not complain!! And yet, he is still out there, not complaining at all, just doing what he needs to do.

Today he noticed there was a leak in our wood boiler (that heats our house, and Alvin's big shop, with heat that comes through underground water hoses. He spent the good part of the day emptying out enough water, so that he could get to the leak, and hopefully weld it (or something like that). We had a leak last year too, and that was the protocol. Well, we needed to go into the city, and so he did what he could and decided he would have to finish it tomorrow. Well, when we came home, just one look at the temperature in the furnace, and he knew that there was no water circulating. Now, 6 hours later, we have filled and emptied 15 (possibly 18) 5 gallon pails of water.... one small container at a time, through a hose and a funnel. It seemed that nothing worked for him tonight... the little pump he was going to use failed, as did his big flashlight...
But like I said, there was little complaining coming from his lips. Just a few words spoken to indicate that if our lines froze, we were done until spring with this system. The other thing was that because of the water not circulating, there was an air lock in the pipes... not good. It was at that point, that I texted our kids and asked them to pray. And that is exactly what I did on this end as well.
"Lord, I know you are not a vending machine, but could you please unlock the airlock in the hoses... "

Did I expect that God would do it? Yes. Did he owe it to me? No.

Well, That was at about 11:15 or so. I said "God, I know that you can do it, and that you are sovereign over all - even this ..."
Alvin just came in, and I was dreading that perhaps I would have to refill the pails again. But, he ran downstairs to check the lines in the house... and said the machine shed lines were working. Jack of all trades, and master of each one. The lines/the pumps/the boiler is working.

God, thank you.... for answering this prayer. Not because you had to, not because you owed me anything. But because you are sovereign, even over the boiler!

I am heading upstairs to bed... with my husband. Goodnight.

Getting up early.... for two things: QT with my God, and exercise!

The best time to start was last year. The second best time is right now."
--Seth Godin, business guru and author of The Dip.

I have been struggling with something that I see as important. As part of my leave, which I "officially" began yesterday, Feb. 1 - there are for sure two things that I want to do.
1) make an appointment with God in the early portion of my day, that is non-negotiable. In other words, that nothing will detour my time with God, or bump it, or anything. I have an easy time spending quiet time with God... because I love spending time with Him. However sometimes I fit it in at the end of the day, and really, I feel that I want to give him the firstfruit of my day. I want to do this NOT so that I become legalistic, or that I can "check" it off the "things to do" list - but rather that I can get my fuel from God for my day and all that it holds.

2) exercise! Okay, most people that know me well, know that exercise is something that I like the idea of, but find it hard to do. Last year I got to running 30 minutes straight. For me that was HUGE! Then, I stopped. Not sure why, but I did. I also go to CURVES but that is hard when I am not in the city daily anymore... I also like to walk, and my husband has made a beautiful cleared walking path in our "back 40"... and I like to do my "dance pad" to praise songs (which I did today).... I like the idea, but find it hard to stay committed to anything. I also find that if I do this first thing in the morning, I am a happy camper! It's like "whew, got that done, now I can relax and enjoy!" Plus doing exercise first thing really gives me energy.

I think the quote on the top of the page is good.... I can not do anything about the past, but I can do something now... I have likely talked about this on my blog before... and my kids, well, they know my thoughts. I have shared with God that I think He is impressing on me the need to get up early and just do it! He even wakes me up, but I have refused to get out of bed. Gotta figure that out! I hate "quenching the Spirit" - it is just hard to get out of bed when it is so hard to sleep during the night!

So, that is my predicament. I am not an early person, but I want to be. So this will be my prayer, that with God's strength and energy, I can get up when He wakes me up, and that I can meet with Him, and spend time in exercise too, and get on with my day. I feel that this is important to me while I am on leave, and learning to be. I feel that this is part of the process. And now, that I have written it down on this blog, I realize that someone just may ask me how it is going....

There is a verse in scripture, I forget where, but it says, "with God's strength I can scale a wall.." I figure with God's strength, I can do this. I feel it is about surrender, about laying down of self. May God be my strength.

Pizza and Friends

Okay, I love pizza. It is one of the foods that really, I should stay away from. Afterall, who can eat just one piece?? So, needless to say, having back to back nights of pizza likely isn't helpful in my attempts to lose some weight. HOWEVER, there is a huge "up" side to the pizza meals....it included fellowship with some of my favorite family and friends.

Yesterday we got a phone message "Hi, this is Fast's Pizzaria ---" The message went on, and the long and short of it was that our friends Al and Jan were making pizza and wanted us to come over. Al and Jan are like family...and we took them up on the spur of the moment offer. We arrived at 6pm and left at I think it was one or something. The night included laughter, tears, talking, listening and praying together before we parted. They are friends that we wish we saw more, and yet, whenever we do get together, it feels like there has been no time in between.
What a gift from God...

Today we ventured out after Ash and Mike left, and as we drove in a "white out" Alvin and I wondered if we were doing the right thing.... who drives in weather like this! We were heading to a gathering with our "young care group" - or most of them. Leroy and Joanne, Russ and Lisa, Terence and Mia and their kids. We got together for the Superbowl game (although I am not sure who actually really likes football). It seemed like a good excuse to come together for pizza :) and a visit. It has been a long time since we got together with these couples, who are dear and trusted friends whom we love and respect greatly. Over pizza we talked, laughed, shared life, and watched 7 little ones run and play. And about 8 or so, we all decided it was time to get the kids home and in bed...
These young couples are a gift from God to us.

Pizza and friends. A great combination. Both nights I was asked something in regards to the leave that I am now on. And today, is officially "day one" of my 3 month leave.

Feb. 1st - God, I can't help but wonder what you have in store for me? It is with great peace, and assurance that YOU are in control, and there is nothing that you won't walk me through. Getting to this point has not been without some struggle, but right now, it is with absolute confidence that I am doing the right thing, and I am excited to see what God does with me/in me through this next while.

I have no doubt that there will be more pizza... more friends. I am thankful for those who dare to step into my world and connect. Yesterday I had some good conversation over telephone too. Friends are a gift from God. God, thank you...