frAgrAnt woRship

... asking God to show me how to truly love myself...

Sometimes I have “aha” moments, and I have had a few of them these past few days. The thing is – those moments are all about the same thing! I was trying to figure out why I am struggling with the same lbs over and over again. As I was driving on Friday – I felt the urge to grab a pen, and with was trying to scribble down some thoughts whenever I came to a red light! The remaining thoughts come from those scribbled down ramblings. Its a long post (what else is new) and pretty transparent - but here it is! Feel free to read on!

I am not sure exactly what spurred on those thoughts on Friday. Perhaps it was a weigh in day which had been postponed two times, and now figured I should just go and do it. And, well – I had gotten into a few things i.e. chocolate for instance and had been sidelined in my weight loss journey. So, I was basically going to face the music! (sigh ** again!)

As I drove – there were a few thoughts that came tumbling out of my heart onto the paper on the passenger side. I just hoped I had enough red lights to be able to jot down my thoughts.

Some of my thOts went like this:

• Do I love myself?


• What does that look like today?


• What does that look like now with me at home? (unemployed, struggling with “worth”)


• Can I separate “me” from the “overweight me” (that I see in the mirror)


• How do I pour into myself, or (better yet) how do I allow God to pour into me?


• How do I experience His love to me?

You see – years ago, I had a friend who told me “Joy you just need to love yourself”. To which I replied “I can’t and I won’t because I do not like being in this double x l size of clothing! You see (this is the revelation that came Friday) I was only seeing the person that was staring back at me in the mirror – instead of seeing the person that God had created me to be – the person on the inside with a soul! And well – I was NOT feeling the love!!

Fast forward to yesterday morning. I love doing my QT in the morning. The Lord and I around the dining room table. I often have a candle lit and burning close by. Somehow the burning candle is a visual reminder of His presence with me at the table. (I know that I love visual reminders!)

My prayer in my journal was “Lord, help me to love YOU ~ to seek YOUR face ~ and to allow You to help me love myself!” As part of my QT with the Lord, I also try to do part of my study. (currently in week six of the study: A Woman’s Heart – God’s Dwelling Place by Beth Moore)

Yesterday Beth drew our attention to the altar of incense in the tabernacle. It was a sweet time of study, and I can only say Lord, thank you for that! It opened with the verse from Isaiah 50: 4-5 (NLT) “the Sovereign Lord has given me his words of wisdom so that I know how to comfort the weary. Morning by morning he wakens me and opens my understanding to his will. The Sovereign Lord has spoken to me and I have listened. I have not rebelled or turned away.”

Morning by morning he wakens me….
This is why I love having my QT first thing, or next to first thing in the morning. Okay, usually I make the coffee!! Somehow coffee and my quiet time go hand in hand!

At the end of the day’s study – Beth directed us to the story from Luke 7: 36-50 subtitled “Jesus Anointed by a Sinful Woman”

I googled and found this artwork for this story from Luke. It is titled Feast in the house of Simon the Pharisee, Peter Paul RUBENS; c.1618; oil on canvas; the HERMITAGE MUSEUM, St. Petersburg


Ever since I was little – this story intrigued me. The visual of this story is quite something. A woman who lavished her all on Jesus! Kneeling and kissing his feet. Anointing his feet with a perfume that was no doubt way more than she could afford to spill out in this way. And yet – she did. She lavished it on the LORD. (even writing this has made me weep). O Lord – that I would lavish my love, my thanksgiving, my thankfulness on you like she did. As she anointed his feet with this beautiful fragrance – the fragrance of what she was doing – her love – her offering – was even more fragrant to the Lord. Using her tears to combine with the fragrant perfume, she washed his feet, wiping them with her hair. (O Lord the story touches my being)

When I read the subtitle – describing her as a SINFUL woman, I just thought – Lord, what made her any more sinful. Sin is Sin. And the Lord said to her – you are forgiven!!
What joy her heart must have felt. FORGIVEN!!

My heart also feels this joy! The word FORGIVEN is sweet isn’t it. Our names are written on the palm of his hand! Oh Lord, just those thoughts make my heart beat faster!

And while this woman knelt and anointed the Lord… most likely completely oblivious to anyone else in the room. What worship. What sweet fragrance!

Beth Moore, in the workbook on this study, said the following about “Fragrant Worship”
She said, on page 118-119 of the manual:

1. Fragrant worship is costly. It comes only when what is deep inside is lavished on Christ.


2. Often, the fragrance of worship cannot truly be released until the vessel is broken.


3. Fragrant worship is not hindered by others! Notice the company this precious woman in Luke 7 shared! Read Galatians 1:10


4. Fragrant worship laces us in right relationship with God. We have an awareness of who He is.


5. We cannot out-sin God’s ability to forgive! After we have truly repented and reveled in God’s sure forgiveness, our worship becomes the fragrance of purest nectar!! I am convinced that the greatest cause of a believer’s inability to offer fragrant worship is a feeling of worthlessness, whether self or environmentally imposed! Allow God to lavish his love on you. Lavish worship comes from lavish love!

She ended that section with “Ask Him to show you your great worth to Him. He may say it in many ways, but it will always stem from the same basic truth He has revealed to you through this lesson: I love you so much that I died for you, and I love you so much that I live for you.”

Well, the remainder of my QT with the Lord had me journaling, weeping face down asking God to forgive me for not allowing HIS love for me to help me to love myself fully. It had dawned on me on Friday that when I worked in ministry, I came to see how many women did not know how beautiful they were in the eyes of our God! I have said that I felt that this was one of the main purposes to providing a ministry where women could come and refresh! And all of a sudden the Lord was impressing on me – “Joy, I don’t think you have understood and experienced this fully yourself!” (talk about a major “a-ha” moment)

Finishing paid ministry at McIvor church – it was hard. Real hard. Yes, I did feel completely convinced that Jesus said it was time, I was done there. But all of a sudden there I was unemployed. Working through a ton of stuff emotionally. Working through a ton of stuff physically. Working through a ton of stuff mentally. Wondering aloud often “Lord what is my purpose?” even though I really did know or assume I knew what His purpose for me was. More and more I came to feel that this time aside, was time for me to work through healing, work though the “stuff” that came with unemployment, work in our grieving. But more than a few people told me they felt God wanted to teach me about renewal, refreshment and refueling, so that I knew first hand what it was we wanted women coming to the retreat ministry to experience! Ahhh….

To complicate this, is the fact that for me – experiencing this was hindered by my inability to love myself fully… because of the reflection in the mirror. God gently used people in my life AGAIN over the last few days to realize the person in the size XXL is the “shell” that houses the ME that I need to love. Once I love the real me, through God’s strength, grace and mercy… then I think perhaps the “me” that I see in the mirror will come into better focus AND instead I will see more of my Saviour in the mirror!

Never a day goes by that God doesn’t reveal more truth to me! JESUS LOVES ME THIS I KNOW… and HE in his mercy and grace is helping me love ME so that I can be a better reflection of HIM, so that I can help others to experience HIS love for them, and experience how precious we are to HIM! Oh how precious I am in the eyes of the Lord. Oh dear one – how precious YOU are. I hope you get this easier and quicker than I did!!

Celebrating with my Birthday Boy!

The very best gift of all for Poppa's birthday was getting to cuddle Everett when they came our to Anola, for our family birthday supper together.

As you can tell, Everett is quite the little sweetheart! Poppa got to hold him first,

and actually at the end of the evening, Poppa and Everett were both snoozing side by side on the rug. We thank God for such a special gift for us to celebrate!

Saturday night we went to Lazy Tuesdays at Seddon's Corner (east of Beausejour). Willy and Betty had told us about it, so of course we wanted to go and taste for ourselves. Willy, Betty, Kim and Kevin joined us for the celebration, and then we came back for cake and coffee at our house. Note the candles on the cake - NO he did not blow them over - Betty just made them all slanted for fun! We enjoyed good food, good fellowship and many laughs!

On the morning of Alvin's birthday - I took him to Pineridge Hollow for breakfast! It was a great time to just sit and enjoy the ambiance of this wonderful place! I don't often get Alvin to PH - usually find myself there with my "girl" friends, so this was as special time! As he is getting older, I think my man is just getting more and more handsome (but once again, I am biased, but it is my blog!)

So Alvin's birthday has come and gone for another year - he did not blow out 52 candles, but he did blow out some, and ate lots of cake! I think back to the first cake I made for him. I was living in "the white house" which was a house that the MB Bible College owned. Josie and I were allowed to rent and live in the "white house" (which has since been torn down and replaced with MBCI's RED GYM). Anyhow - living in the whitehouse for our grade 11 year was alot of fun. In the basement we had the full basement, which always served as a great meeting room, studying room, watching those early CANADA/RUSSIA hockey games, etc. Often many of our classmates could be found in the basement hanging out. That is also where our kitchen space was. That first birthday I made Alvin a cake - a chocolate one. Thing is - well, who knew the rack in the oven was not in correct - so when the cake came out - it was high on one side and very thin on the other. Nothing a little icing can't fix. Okay - a LOT of icing on one side! I didn't live that one down, although I do remember it being eaten up!

This birthday we celebrated with a Mango Angel Food cake (my own recipe concoction) and a Grasshopper Dessert (which has become a fam favorite) and yesterday it was the family traditional COFFEE TORTE made by non other than my mom in law! I have made a few of these myself, but mom always seems to have one sitting idly by in her freezer, and just needs the gallon of whipping cream to put it together!

Alvin and I have celebrated his birthday since 1975. That means this is the 36th birthday cake!! And we are only 52 (well I am not quite, but getting there!) So you do the math!! We have been in love since we were 16! That is alot of loving!! And, the best part is that there is even more to come!

It was a fun filled, friend filled, family filled, cake filled, present filled weekend! It was wonderful to end the weekend with our family around the supper table. We haven't regularly "held hands" as we say grace - it just never was something we did. However - last night, we held hands around the circle and I got to say grace and "bless my husband" and suggested that the hand holding would become our new tradition!

I have to say we got to hold our little Everett alot! And we also got to watch him smile alot! It is so much fun as he is noticing alot. He is also doing this little laugh, and is beginning to "talk" especially after he has been fed and changed! I love watching his auntie Ashley snapping pictures! I have to say that the picture of him at the beginning was captured by moi! Looks like he is saying hello!!

As Ashley and Michael, Josh and Leah, Grandma and I sat and watched Olympics - the birthday boy was in the other room laying on the floor with Everett . Ash said, "was there other things Dad wanted to do tonight - play a game or do Kareoke?" I think Josh said something like "I think Dad is doing what he really wanted to do." And I said yes, waiting to snuggle his little grandson was top of his Birthday wishes list. As Ash and Michael and Grandma were getting ready to go - we all peeked into the quiet room. There was Alvin (Poppa) laying on his tummy and his little Grandson laying beside him on his back! Quite the little pair! We could only smile.

Looked like the birthday boy had gotten his wish!

Happy Birthday to the love of my life - a gift from God - a man who knows no limits when it comes to "being there" for his kids, for me, or actually anyone for that matter.

Happy Birthday to a man who is the jack of all trades, and truly a master of them all!

Happy Birthday to my man - who is a friend to all!

Happy Birthday to a man who is one of the most hardworking honest men I know - and who loves to help others - and often serves others with his time and talents and gifting. Helping others brings Alvin joy.

Happy Birthday to a man who can do laps in the dining room, kicking up his heels, sings to whatever music is on the radio, laughs till he can hardly speak, beams when he watches his family, and just truly loves life!

Happy Birthday to my man - my husband Alvin. A man who love the Lord with all his heart! And, who believes that it is more important to be a witness for Jesus through his actions and the way he can serve others. A man who loves his job - regardless of whether it is fighting a fire, or picking up someone who is intoxicated and laying on the street. He truly truly loves his job, AND each person that he works with, and among.

Happy Birthday dear sweetheart! I hope there are many more birthday cakes - many more celebrations to come! I love you!

when the cat's away ~ the mice will play. (NO!)

So here is my dilemma..... I (aka "the country mouse") am "cat-less" and that is my dilemma. (you would think that being cat less would not be a dilemma for a real mouse!!)

Let me tell you the story of our family, and our cats.

First there was the orange kitten that Josh picked out from our neighbor. They had rescued a pregnant stray cat - and now had a litter to give away. Josh named his new kitten GINGER. He was very love able. He liked to step up onto your lap - put a foot onto your chest and stand up and look into your eyes. Never have seen another cat do this the way he did. Unfortunately when we were dog-sitting for a friend - their dog chased Ginger up a tree and well - Ginger didn't come back to stay after that. A couple years later, our neighbor Bob asked Josh to come and feed his cat while they were away. Josh went over and came back and told me to come with him - he said he thought Bob had our GINGER. I went over - and while Josh was getting his food and water - here came this HUGE ginger tomcat - and he came to my lap - put his foot on my chest and looked me right in the eyes. When Josh told Bob that he thought Ginger was our old cat - Bob said he had been taking care of him for years. We left it at that - convinced he was originally ours, and glad Bob was taking good care of him.

Our next cat was Ashley's and I think we called her Pudder. I remember Alvin calling him BOOTS. (Alvin who is the king of nicknames - has many names for each animal) but this cat was black with white "boots" or paws. We actually got Pudder from the pet store in the mall in Steinbach. The deal was "free kitten" with each purchase of litter! They knew how to get rid of some farm cats! So, we brought one home. Originally Pudder was an indoor cat. I will never forget the Christmas that my brother and sister-in-law came out with their new little dog Dexter - just slightly over a pound. Well - the cat came out - Dexter went after her. She swiped Dexter and sent him yelping with blood drawn on his little face. Meanwhile she came out into the kitchen and was "growling" and had puffed up twice her size. It was so scary! Shortly after Pudder became an outdoor cat too.

Our next cat - was Vanilla. Or "Banilla" as my little nephew Nicholas used to call her. She was the cat that we called "the engagement cat" as Josh gave her to Leah the same night he proposed. Unfortunately, she could not go home with Leah since her mom had an allergy (or perhaps Josh just wanted to keep her here). Vanilla became quite the mother over the next few years - pumping out one litter after another. Yes, we were not responsible pet owners I know. However - what is the purpose of a farm cat? (no excuse, sorry). Eventually Leah did make an appointment, took her in to get spayed. After that she seemed to really grow big. She also became quite cantankerous, and often bit/scratched if you tried petting her. But - she definitely earned her keep as she was the best mouser I have ever seen!

Just before Vanilla got "fixed" she had a litter of kittens. Josh and Leah fell in love with one of her kittens - a nice little grey mix one - and named her Mimi and took her home to live with them. Mimi was a very sweet little kitten. She was friendly. Loved to be held, carried and became a very good indoor kitten for them in their loft.



However, Mimi had a very unfortunate accident when the neighbor boy accidentally hit her...
After nursing Mimi back to health - they are pretty sure she met her match with a coyote, and lost. All Josh knows is that he saw the coyote in his back yard, and never saw the kitten again. That was very sad. But then came Louis... a cat like no other we have ever seen. Yes, unfortunately for Leah, and later for Ashley, and Alvin (all who had some nice articles of clothing eaten) ... when Josh and Leah took the cat from previous owners - they didn't tell them that Louis had an addiction. He loved laundry. Not just nestling in it - or smelling clean laundry. No - he actually ATE clothing. Sometimes he just ate strategically placed holes out of women's tops... he also ate one of Alvin's new shirts (ate it completely except for the tag!) Honestly, I have never seen another animal like him (except for the story my sister in law told me about her friends dog who ate their little girls ballet tutu and had to have it surgically removed!). Louis had no surgery. But he was brought out to the farm. OUR farm. And became an outside farm cat, alongside of Vanilla.

There were some good fights at first, as Louis (the tom) established control... but not without a fight. Alvin said there was white and black tufts of fur everywhere over those first few days. But they figured it out, and became friends. Vanilla was the mouser. Louis... I called him KING LOUIS as he usually laid on the deck like he was King, and honestly, I don't know if he moused or not. I actually think he was the lazy one of the two! While Vanilla hated being held and petted... Louis loved it.

They also got along really well with Oreo, which was such a bonus. When we went on walks - it was like "the incredible journey" with the dog and the two cats following us - meowing as they came along.


Well - Vanilla went missing in action about a week before Christmas. We are not sure what happened to her. We miss her a lot. And Louis, met his fate the first week of January. I am still actually quite sad about that. The thing is... "when the cat's away... the mice will play" and well - that is the thought behind this blog. Because they are definitely playing!

The cats (or at least Vanilla for sure) kept the mouse population AND the squirrel and chipmunk population down to a Minimum! It was kind of weird and gross, but almost every day in summer, I would come home to find chipmunk or squirrel "heads and tails" at the back door - like a trophy.. lying there to greet me. Sometimes numerous heads and tails were deposited there. We have not had to catch a mouse in our house for years!! And THAT suited me real well. Because even though I call myself "the country mouse" - I actually hate mice in my house!!

Well yesterday Alvin noticed little mouse tracks in the snow on the front deck . Not good.

Then last night - at about 10 pm I decided to go and put wood in the boiler. I walked to the back door. It was dark, and I heard the dog munching his dog food. But then again... no... he was fast asleep. Okay. Something was munching in the old half eaten bag of cat food at the back door. Something that also had a little squEAK to it. It was a pretty tall bag - and I could hear it trying to climb out...

A quick call to Alvin - basically for moral support and encouragement since he was at work - and he told me to knock the bag (the mouse would fall to the bottom) and then double it up and take it out. Simple. (ya, right) I could be brave. I knocked the bag. Quickly doubled it up. Put it in a garbage bag, tied it and carried it out to the boiler. I know, I know... not humane. Alvin actually was shocked that I threw the cat food in the boiler. (And what was I supposed to do with this thing?)

So ... here is the dilemma. I have sticky traps all over the house. Not that I think there are any more - but 1) we don't have any cats around outside 2) we saw tracks in the snow and 3) if one got in - there may be more. (have I told you how much I hate mice?)

Josh and Leah have a new cat ~ Georgia (got her in October of 08)
Ashley and Michael have two new kittens ~ Chips and Chandler (got them in Dec 09)

Alvin has a birthday on Saturday... hmmm... wonder what he would like as a gift - personally, I am thinking perhaps he wants a new cat. Maybe a nice ginger colored one - kitten? adult? not sure... whether it is a kitten, or a mature cat doesn't really matter as long as it loves mice as much as I hate them!

Time will tell!

a part of us... simply amazing!

just can't get enough of our little Everett!!

Cute, Cute, CUTE as a button!!

this was Joshua's first "formal" picture taken at 3 months, courtesy of K-Mart!

Note the little outfit which was very cute THEN... but today...

okay, you won't find this style in Baby Gap!!

Tomorrow, Feb. 18th, our little one ~ little Everett John ~ is two months old.

Now about 5 lbs heavier and 3 inches longer...I can hardly believe where time has gone.

The other day when I was there ~ I was looking at him while he slept so soundly. His little ears. Little nose. Little lips. His little chin (with his Poppa's little dimple in it) and his little fingers.

And it made me think of what our little Everett would do in his life - with those hands...

I think I made the comment to Leah that one day he would bring her a little drawing he had done just for mommy!!

I remember alot of the things that Josh and Ashley's little hands did when they were small. A mom remembers those things. The things that seem perhaps "insignificant" to an ordinary onlooker - is HUGE in a mother's heart! Like the little dandelion bouquet picked by little fingers... or the first little stick people drawn in crayon...or the little cookies that were shaped by the little fingers on the first baking time!

As I was looking at the pictures that Ashley downloaded to Facebook, I was taken aback again at how much little Everett reminds me of Josh. And today, as Alvin and I were talking about our little grandson (actually unabashedly "gushing" about him) it dawned on me - that he has little bits of me, and Alvin passed on to him through Josh, and the same with his other Grandma and Grandpa. It almost takes my breath away - to think of how this little guy is truly "fearfully and wonderfully made" and so very precious in the eyes of our Creator - God Himself. This little one - like his big brother Jay Benjamin ... is a part of us. So unbelievable. So amazing. Thank you God for the gift you give us in children and grandchildren.

Psalm 139 (New International Version) verses 13 & 14
For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

little SURPRISES along the way (coffee and conversations continue...)

It's just like God.... to surPrise us when we least expect. Things in life that happen way better than if we had tried to make them work. Like today. I got to have a short (45 min) visit (over Pepsi for him, and diet Pepsi for me) in the mall foodcourt. I had gone to get a shower gift - and was just going to leave when I realized the man coming toward me was my brother B. I have thought so often about him, and chatted on the phone with him, but this was an unexpected visit in an unexpected place. It was good.

My brother is 1.5 years my junior. I am very proud of my brother. He is working hard at overcoming some strongholds in his life. As he said today, he is seeing with much clearer eyes. It is a joy to talk with him. It is encouraging to hear how he is trusting God for each step. Sometimes when I have struggled with my "food plan" (weight being my stronghold) I have often thought of him. Is it easy for my brother. Not in your life. Sometimes seeing clearly brings many emotions to the forefront that before one could just choose not to think of. I have listened to him over the past 7.5 months or so - and have seen how he has come to depend on the Lord in a new and exciting way. I have seen how the Lord of his youth, has truly become HIS Lord...
It is exciting. I thank God for B. and for what the Lord is doing in His life... one day at a time.
And, today, I thank God for the unexpected meeting in the mall, and a talk over a pepsi, and the chance to drive him to work.

This morning, I had a "planned" coffee time with my young friend Amber. It was a good visit - and I love hearing what God is doing in her life. This young woman has a heart after God's own. I have watched her grow up in our church... and thank God for the way she pours into the lives of others - specifically children in the north end of the city. She is going to become a social worker - and I once told her that she had exactly what was needed... a heart for people. I am convinced she is going to make such an amazing social worker, but no doubt her heart will break often for children. It was so good to visit with her for 2.5 hours over a Chai Latte (I know, not a coffee!! The girl here at Mountain Bean could not believe I wasn't having my "normal" and raised her eyebrows!!)

Now I am back at Mountain Bean - and waiting to have coffee with Meggie, who I worked with at the church. She is off work at 4 so I have a few minutes to complete this post and put my computer away. And yes, this time I am having a big mug of black coffee!! This is another impromptu coffee surprise! A quick one before I go get my man at the firehall.

So - today - God has given me little surprises along the way - some planned, some unplanned. Some in a coffee shop and some in unexpected places. Today I am thankful for the blue sky - the sun that is shining. I am thankful for the work-out I had at Curves, for the chai tea latte, for the gift of family, for the gift of siblings who are teaching me life lessons through their lives, for the gift of coffee visits with old co-workers, for the gift today of LESS PAIN!! My FMS has been much better these last couple days and I am so thankful!

God thank you for unexpected surprises in my day. For good conversations. Thank you for young friends, and for old friends. Thank you for this day, which smells like spring!! For teaching me through others, that you care so much about our lives. God, thank you for today.

good conversations and cups of coffee

these photos were all taken from our surprise Valentine's date, which was planned by our husbands under the leadership of Kevin Hampton (who unfortunately I only have him in the background on one picture) and was at Kim and Kevin's house - we had a gourmet meal cooked and served by Chef Rob, wine, roses, coffee, great music, amazing food, some chocolate, hot tubbing, and a whole lot of great conversation! We were so surprised and delighted! Our men are romantics!

coffee + friends = wonderful conversations from the heart

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

oh coffee ! Sometimes I wonder what life would be like without the mug of fresh, strong black coffee!!

Over several cups of coffee this past week - I have enjoyed several conversations! Going back to last week - I have enjoyed some good coffee with my kids (oh man, I love my kids); I actually got in a cup of coffee while over for a snuggle & cuddle visit with my little grandson too; enjoyed an extra large Tim Horton's coffee with Meggie; I had an extra large Tim Horton's with Mary; a cup of coffee with Ann at her apartment after a great supper out together; several cups of coffee with Frank and Karis when they were out for supper Thursday; coffee with Brenda over lunch at Grace Cafe; several cups of coffee with John and Ruth when they were out for supper Friday; coffee with Kev, Kim, Lloyd, Judy, Betty, Willy, Alvin and I over our Saturday night surprise Valentine's; a cup of coffee during a presentation in the Adult SS class yesterday; a cup of coffee at my neice Sarah's birthday party with our Klassen side of the fam; and a couple cups of coffee here last night with Willy and Betty. Tomorrow I will begin the day with coffee at Mountain Bean with Amber, and well, in between, Alvin and I have enjoyed a few pots of fresh coffee.

"I do not wish to treat friendships daintily, but with the roughest courage. When they are real, they are not glass
threads or frost-work, but the solidest thing we know." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thing is, while I just simply ENJOY coffee - the truth of the matter is - so many wonderful conversations happen over cups of coffee or tea or whatever (some of my friends drink hot water). Coffee and Conversations just simply "go together".

This past week we have talked with others about things that really "matter" at a heart level. I have come to realize that not everyone in my life wants to go deep like that. There has to be a trUst level. I have come to understand that not everyone really really wants to hear what you say. For some, it is a matter of feeling uncomfortable with the truth, or feeling uncomfortable with honest words. For some it is a matter of being afraid of not knowing what to do with the conversation or authenticity. Why is it that so many people feel that they always have to SAY something. Honestly, there are times when keeping your mouth shut, and just hugging the person, is the best response. I have come to understand that body language is HUGE when someone is sharing with you.... as well, it is huge when you are the one sharing and observing the other who is listening. I have come to understand that you have to pick and choose who you want to be open and honest with. Not everyone cares. And not everyone actually "hears" what you are saying. That has been a big eye opener for me. For some - it is easier "not to go there" as they won't have to be uncomfortable. No ones actually LIKES being uncomfortable - but life just isn't always easy is it?

"Friendship that flows from the heart cannot be frozen by adversity, as the
water that flows from the spring cannot congeal in winter." - James Fenimore Cooper

This past week - we have talked about family... about our grandson Everett...about church.
We have heard hearts break over family relationships... and hope for restoration of family. I have heard about considerable loss in the people around me...from jobs to relationships. I have had conversation that included much laughter interspersed with serious discussion. We have talked about what "church" looks like now compared to what Jesus wanted the "church" to look like. We have agreed that we don't think Jesus likes what "church" has been made into...especially the church politics that mEss up things. We talked about topics such as "emerging church" and "forgiveness"... we have talked & talked & talked some more. In some cases - talking for hours, with coffee cups in our hand. Perhaps I drink too much coffee (although I often find several cups unfinished... )

I am thankful that there are people in my life who consider Alvin and I (both alone and as a couple) to be a "safe" couple to talk to. I am thankful that these people are those we consider safe as well - and can share openly and honestly. We value the relationships and trust we have. God has given us many good friends. As Alvin and I reflected yesterday, over and above the friendships we shared this past week - there are several others who we consider gifts from God. (If you guys are reading this - I think you know who you are!)

Good communication is as stimulating as
black coffee, and just as hard to sleep after."

-Anne Morrow Lindbergh

a few gems that caught my attention today...

Today I spent a good chunk of time doing some "catch up" reading in my Daily Bible (The Message translation). It was good. However - as normal for me and my resolve to read through the Bible in a year - I have fallen behind. Anyhow - today I read a chunk of scripture, and wow - it is amazing what "sparkles and catches your eye" ~ often the same scripture that you have read over and over before, and well - all of a sudden God uses it to speak VOLUMES!!

Let me share a bit of the "gems" that caught my attention and spoke into my heart in a new way today. The Daily Message began in Genesis and included a Psalm. I have now gone into Mark as of today, and still the Psalms. I love the Psalms - but Petersen, he just really writes it to speak today. ANYHOW - back to the gems from today.

Gem #1: Mark 8: 34-36 ~ he (Jesus) said "Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You're not in the driver's seat; I am. Don't run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I'll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to saving yourself, your true self. What good would it do to get everything you want and lose you, the real you? What could you ever trade your soul for?"

(big breath ! WOW) I was thinking a lot over that scripture. I realize over and over again that I have to let HIM lead. Hmmm.... let him lead. I sure want to, but so often I keep taking over. It reminds me of when Alvin and I try to dance! I am not sure which one of us is trying to lead... all I know is we laugh and have fun and sometimes wonder why we aren't moving much! (or stepping on one another's toes!) Jesus tells me - Joy - you are NOT in the driver's seat... I am!! I really want to learn how to follow. Learn how to embrace suffering. (oh boy, that was another hard statement) How often do I complain about how I am feeling? (just some fibromyalgia pain gets me down often!) LORD, make me willing to learn!!

I was reminded of my mom when I was thinking about this. In 1994, my mom ended up in the hospital for a long time - and we watched her go downhill very quickly. Her discs were crumbling in her spine, and overnight it seemed, we watched her in a hunched over state. Her eyesight which was bad, went to the point where she was only able to see shadows. We put a note at the head of her hospital bed, so that people would know she was blind. Everything was out of whack in her body - the pain was unbelievable. She was throwing up constantly from the morphine and the codeine. One day I was heading up, and just wondering how much more Mom could take. I walked into her room, hugged her, and as usual, Mom was in such a wonderful mood. Everyone that worked on mom loved her! The nurses all thought the world of her. They would be picking and prodding and trying to take blood from veins that were just protesting, so they would apologize at how they just couldn't seem to get blood, and keep trying. Mom would thank them for being so good to her. She would reassure them that she was just fine.

So that morning, I remember specifically - walking in, and seeing mom before she could know I was there. I wondered if she was just tired of living like that. And - I asked her the same. She said, "Oh no dear, I have so much to be thankful for!" I learned a lot from my mom... more than I ever told her. So often over the past 14 (almost) years - I have wished my mom was here to talk to. And these days - even more so. I have never met another woman quite like my mom!

Gem #2: Mark 10: 22-26 This is the portion about asking. It is also the portion on forgiving. In my journal I did write: "Oh, Lord, how do I forgive fully? Lord, please show me."

I have struggled with a big issue. Last April, actually on Good Friday - I spent time speaking with the Lord about forgiving some people whom I felt had hurt me. I had actually been wrestling with this - and I guess wrestling with God on it. I remember that morning - when I finally felt like I forgave. Since then - I am wondering.... have I? Can you forgive if the other person never acknowledges anything you think they have done? And lately - have I honestly forgiven if the thing keeps "rearing its ugly head?" Usually when that happens, I try to "give it back to the Lord" over and over and over again. (that was also part of the reason why I erected an altar in our back acreage, giving it all to God. So, today's scripture spoke to me again.

Gem#3: Mark 12: 41-44

This is the story about the widow who gives her 2 coins. Or as Petersen puts it in this scripture - "a measly two cents" .... and then the Message says "all the others gave what they'll never miss; she gave extravagantly what she couldn't afford. She gave her all!"

We - are rich aren't we. We have "pocket money"...

I was so moved the other day by a little thing in the Winnipeg Free Press. I forget what section it was in - I think under the new little section that talks about "random acts of kindness". The person who wrote in said they were at one of the missions the other day, and the meal was being served, and the t.v. was on, about the disaster in Haiti. The person said that a hat was passed among the clients there for the meal, and together, they gave about $70. It moved me. $70 out of the pockets of the poor and homeless clientele, who have to go and eat in soup kitchens to survive daily. They gave what they couldn't afford!! They gave their all. If that doesn't move you to give - I honestly don't know what will. (by the way, the government is still matching dollar for dollar - in Haiti relief money - PLEASE GIVE SOMEWHERE!)

There were two things that I just thought of from my kid's lives - when they were teenagers. Joshua had gotten a down jacket from his aunt for his birthday. He came home one night - "jacket less" and told me that he had bumped into a guy outside of Walmart - begging and coat less. Josh without hesitation gave him his coat, and some money that he had in his pocket.

Ashley went after grade 12 graduation, into the OUTTATOWN program at CMU. Part of the time they spent in Vancouver and had to spend time on the street, living like a street person. It was not a huge amount of time - but sufficient time to speak into her heart - and affect her. She later went and served in Guatemala with the program. I also had the joy of serving with Alvin, and Josh, Leah and Ashley in the Dominican Republic. They were responsible for building the septic tank and were literally down in a hole all day! We also had the joy of helping to support Michael when he was in high school and off to Mexico to do mission work.

I am so thankful that the Lord has blessed us as a family with opportunities to be able to serve him with our finances, our gifts, our talents, and our time. My prayer is that God will continue to give us opportunity... and willingness to give our best (whatever that is at the time) for HIM. Oh Lord, let us all give a "cup of cold water in your name." We are talking about doing some mission work again next year - in the winter. We are praying about that... and excited to see what God does.

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So - those were the gems that caught my attention today from the Gospel of Mark. I thank God that He continues to speak into my heart - and into yours!! All he wants is for us to ask Him to illuminate the pages of His word - and to open our eyes and our minds to understanding His truth to us. Enjoy your Bible today.... it truly is our handbook for life! Share some of YOUR gems with me!!