there is so much I just will never "get" this side of Heaven

My heart is so broken.

Broken for a family - little Ben's family

A mutual friend told me about them back a few months

And I began to pray

fervently

boldly
and with great hope

that God was going to do a miracle

I guess I thought I knew what this miracle should look like

I am thinking that many of us who prayed, were praying for the same miracle

As the mom Mindy said in one of the early posts - that the ground was ripe for a miracle

I remember she said "Only God"

Here I am - 56 years old (almost) and once again questioning God

Oh yes, I know God is sovereign.

I know that.

I also know that I just don't and can't wrap my head around this …

why God would give them twins

and then, when they are 5 … take one of the twins to heaven

that is what breaks my heart
and at the same time, takes me back to our prayers for our little Jay
something seems familiar

Little Ben isn't in heaven yet, but as his mom wrote today on the blog (www.bensauer.blogspot.com) they know that Ben is in his "eleventh hour".
Soon it seems, their sweet Ben will be in heaven with our Jay too.
God - I can't even fathom how many children are with you …
my mind is way to small to imagine this
But I know it is true.

I think that because I am a granny to boys that are this age - my heart just can't fathom the pain, the sorrow, the reality that God is not going to answer with a healing on this side of heaven.

Even if we thought that his healing would bring great glory to His name.

God … i just don't get it.

And that is when I am reminded that I have been here before

Petitioned for a miracle

And felt like God did not answer

at least now how we wanted, how we asked, how we thought He should.

For me, that is the hard part … especially when it involves babies, and little 5 year olds.

Oh God … I am on the periphery of what is happening,

just got to know this family through blog posts

but prayed, O I prayed.

and I feel like they have become part of my family

and when I read today's post …. I hurt so much for them.

So very much.

There are no answers

None

Only God has those answers

and we will never know

and when we are finally able to ask him, once we get to heaven

getting an answer will no longer be important.

So in the meantime Lord God, please answer this …. please wrap your arms so tightly around little Ben as you transition him home to be with you.  Give strength to his parents as they see him edge closer to heaven.  Lord, walk through this with the other children.  And for any grandparents - O Lord, give them strength in this journey.  I don't know what else to ask for Lord …. they need you …. O Lord, they need you so much.  Please Lord, hear the cries of their heart - for their son, for their other children - for themselves.   

Please God.

Please.  Amen.

In the midst of these broken hearted thoughts, has been a tune running through my heart.

All I could hear were these words:  My heart will sing, no other name - Jesus, Jesus.  So I googled those words and found the song.  We've sung this in church - it is beautiful.  May this be our heart cry as Ben and his family are running to your arms!  O Lord … even if you did not answer the way we wanted you too …. you are still sovereign, you are still good, you are still love….

forgive and bless

I should have known that putting the lies to death is not so easy
Burying them so to speak is one thing
But silencing the lies that continue to echo in my head … that is another thing
But I am doing it.
But there is one lie that just seems to have this hold on me.
I will be honest here.
The biggest lie is the one that says "you are so stupid"
It is a lie that I know is not true, and yet, I realize that over the course of time, I began to feel that I was.

This lie is tied directly to someone I worked with for a few years until I resigned from the position I had, and walked away.

Someone who used their "power" to make me feel inferior, "less than", or just plain stupid.
Someone who should have known better if for no other reason - because of the position they were in.
Someone who should have perhaps dropped the bully tactic, and just tried to be relational.
But instead, they hid behind their prestige and power.
Or at least, that is what it seemed like.
And now I realize that what they did to me, is called bullying.
And bullying is wrong.

As I look back to the years we worked together, yes there were some good things
Many many good things.
However there were some very hard things.
Only it didn't really hit me, until I was done.

I have come to hate it when I see/hear/experience a bully.
But I have also come to understand something.
The "bully" that hides behind his/her  power/prestige/big words/academic awards and achievements -
I have come to see that they are usually this way, because they are insecure and lack self-confidence.
And even though I am held hostage by their sense of power, prestige and use of words
I feel sorry for them.
However, God has also called me to pray for them.  So, I do.


I guess I have really been thinking this over lately, as we were at our prayer time the other day, and Pastor Kelly encouraged us to make sure we are right with others - and we talked about forgiveness, even if the other person doesn't ever say they are sorry.
We talked about "blessing" those that we just really don't feel like blessing, but we do it because Jesus said to!
I began to think of this person, and well a few others
Years ago, I struggled with God as He called me to forgive those who had hurt me badly.
Even if none of them ever said they were sorry.
And while we talked a little about forgiveness at our prayer time, I realize there are layers to it.
And while I have forgiven them, and told them I had.
I realize that doesn't mean I want to hang out with them.
I am okay to just see them from across a big room, if that.
But I need to forgive.  To keep on forgiving when the old lie makes me feel stupid again.
I do not want the lie to win.
I want God to crush Satan under his feet … and to silence the echoes in my head.

I need to forgive.  I know it.
And with God's strength, I have … and I continue to offer it up.
I know God has given me gifts, talents and smarts :)
I am NOT stupid.  I have a lot to offer.

However, I need to continue to lay that lie at the foot of the cross,
lay it down at the cross
lay it down
lay
it
down …
because it is only God that can cover that lie with truth
it is only God that can bring healing to this deep deep wound.
Somehow, I keep catching the edge of the scab and ripping it off
And that never feels good.
NEVER.

Oh, one more thing.  Lord God bless this person - do a work in them and make them more like you.  Put to death the things that are hindering or harming your work in them.
And bring them into a growing transformation - becoming more like you every day.
Lord, I forgive them, and I bless them.
Amen.

In His eyes alone

It was back in November.  I was down in Colorado, sitting under the teaching of Dr. Larry Crabb, in NextStep School of Spiritual Direction, in the beautiful setting of Glen Eyrie Retreat and Conference Center.  It was a Tuesday night.  Our night was going pretty much as per normal - we would do some class time, and a break, and then Dr. Crabb would spend time in spiritual direction with someone that he had selected at the beginning of the week.  We would sit there, and listen/watch, as if we were invisible observers in meaningful conversation.  Two nights in a row, he ended the time a little earlier than most other nights.  I learned so much from him, and one of the things I learned on those nights, was that when you were in meaningful conversation with someone, we were NOT relying on our own strength, or our own agenda, but on the leading of the Holy Spirit within that one on one time with another.  So he ended the night.  We all filed out, as if we were still walking on holy ground.  The thing is, as I walked, I was feeling something welling up within me.  My room was just a short walk down the hall, and as I fumbled with my card to open my lock on my door, I felt like I was holding it together.  I unlocked the door and came undone.  The tears flowed like they had not flowed for a long time.  I wept and wept.  

I realized God was speaking to me about something.  That day in our quad time, (where four of us met for a period of time to work through what we had learned that day) we were talking about what our "prophetic burden" was.  What had we been called to, beyond a shadow of a doubt.   I had not trouble pinpointing what mine was.  After all I believe that it was the same thing that God had me in pastoral ministry for at the church I was at as a pastor for seven and a half years.  
My prophetic burden was to help women see how beautiful and loved they were in the eyes of God.  However, that night, as I came undone in my room - I realized that I did not believe this for myself.  Yes, Joy - the one who could pour into the lives of others - as a wife, a mom, and a granny.  Joy - the one who obeyed God's call to open a retreat ministry for women, and to pour time into the different aspects of the ministry, so that women would come to see their value in the eyes of God.  Yes, me - Joy - the one who already at that time in November, had sat with women and listened, and prayed, and encouraged them as women made in the image of God.  I realized as the tears poured down my face - that I did not believe it.  I did not believe that I was beautiful in the eyes of God.  I did not believe I was beautiful - period.  Now, I am not talking outward beauty, although everything seems to get muddled up in the whole thing.  

It became very important for me that night - to try to remember times when I heard  someone tell me "YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL"  … whether it was my dad, who I knew believed that.  Or my husband who I knew believed that.  Or my family, or friends.  
I wept as I poured out my heart to God - my maker.  He knew what was in my heart - and when it would all come pouring out.  I prayed.  I cried out as I wept.  
The floodgates opened and they felt like they would be open for a while.  I fell asleep weeping and woke up in the morning with eyes that felt like they had cried all night.

That was the beginning of many things …. some processing with my "quad" … some processing in class with Dr. Crabb while the rest of the class listened in.  It also was something I talked with Alvin about … and was the basis for a lot of thinking and wrestling with God on ever since.  I think however, the one thing that sticks in my mind, is when Dr. Crabb lovingly said that I needed, (we all need) to go to God as the one who gives us our identity and who is the one we get our worth from FIRST.  That only HE can give us that, and then - if others also pour into our life, into our sense of "feeling loved and beautiful" … it is a sweet bonus.  

I have since, wrestled with this.  I have tried to just "sit" with God on it - to get my worth from Him and him alone.  To not depend on anyone or anything else.  That is a hard one, because let's face it - we do get our worth from others whether we want to admit that or not.  We get our self- worth from our jobs, our friends, our spouses (if we are married).  We get our self-worth from the affirming words of others.  We tend to "feel" beautiful if we are a certain size, or shape … or if we are outwardly pretty.  Oh I know that struggle all too well.  For me, I have seen that the struggle with my ever presence love/hate with my body size/shape/weight directly plays into how I feel about myself - whether I feel beautiful - and sometimes I don't even THINK of being beautiful in God's eyes because I can;t see it in my own mirror!!

I have purposely done some things as little reminders about what the important thing is …  I have a nice coffee cup - it says, GOOD MORNING BEAUTIFUL.  It reminds me of how much God loves me and thinks I am beautiful in His eyes.  First thing in the morning - this simple cup of coffee speaks into my being!!  I am thankful.  

Then I have just recently purchased two rings.  One has my word for 2014 on it - Abandon  (see my post in February called My One Word for 2014) and the other ring has the word BEAUTIFUL.

These two things are visuals.  God knows that I also love to use visuals to continue to point my eyes ahead to Him.  

However in the midst of this, I continue to struggle ….Oh Lord, I am so human aren't I?  I continue to struggle with embracing fully the beautiful woman He has created me to be - I hear it - but I struggle with fully believing it.  I can tell others - and pray for them - but sometimes feel a little like I am wearing a mask - because no one knows the extent that I struggle myself with this.  I have tried to figure out why - WHY is it so hard to believe.  WHY is believing I am beautiful and loved in the eyes of God - so connected with my struggle with my weight.  So many people have told me what I need to do - or how silly it is - or just do it - on and on.  Yet it continues to be my struggle.  My thorn in the flesh.  My thing that constantly pulls me down …  and now, I have put a name on it - and realize it is LIES that I have come to believe over and over and over again.

Today, I have written down the LIES that the accuser wants me to believe.
Lies that I have believed obviously and have allowed to taken root in my life.
And like the thistles that I pulled out last year in our garden - I know that the roots can be big and ugly and need to be pulled out and put to death.
So I have written them down, in black and white … and have given them to God.
You know, satan is not called the father of lies for nothing!!

But then I wrote down the TRUTHS that I know are true and truths that I need to continue to place before me - as I walk this walk.
I realize that God is way bigger than it all - and it is only in Him that I can walk in truth.
I think I will likely still be aware of the struggle, and aware of the daily laying it all down - but what a realization to know HE is in control - and speaks truth over my life because HE IS THE WAY and THE TRUTH and  THE LIFE!!

After I did that, I listened to a song that played in my room the morning after I came undone, down in Colorado.  As I wept to those words then - I also was washed over with his love again as I realized I am held by his love!!  
Only My God can make sense of this - and take it all - and not only hold me, but walk with me.  
One more day in my life - but oh what a life it is!!  I am thankful - because even in these struggles, He is making me more like Him.  

Thank you Jesus - for loving me and for the knowledge that in  your eyes alone - I have all I need - my love and beauty in you.  Only YOU.

May you also know, how beautiful and loved you are in the eyes of God!! 



HELD BY YOUR LOVE
Bob Fitts

I'm held by Your love
Upheld by Your strength
On Your shoulders You bore me
By Your faith I stand
Cherished by You, Lord
Treasured in Your sight
So close to Your heart
Held firm in Your hands

Chorus:
So awesome is Your love
So mighty is Your hand
On eagle's wings You carry me
Your grace shall be my strength
So perfect is Your love

You sacrificed Your Son
Amazing love reached out to me
With joy to You I come

also wrote some thoughts that also pertain to this on another of my blogs, www.thisgrannycan.blogspot.ca

Realizing that tears are (for me) part of intercession

Tonight, I have signed up for an after midnight shift for SOAR HEARTLAND that is happening as I write and will be wrapping up this weekend.  Our church has a big group of kids and leaders involved, and it is a privilege to be able to pray on their behalf over this week.

My heart is full of things that I have been praying for. Of course my prayers focus around my kids, and my grandkids, and yes, for Alvin and I as individuals, couple, parents, and grandparents - we need lots of prayer.  When my kids were little, the last thing that we did before they ran down the road to the waiting school bus, was to pray.  We have prayed in the car, in restaurants, in parking lots as we have said good-bye.  In airports, in our home, in their homes - around the table - at the front door - with one, with all of them - over them, over their kids.  I have prayed with them, for them, out loud, in silence - and often with tears.  Tears (I have come to see) are part and parcel of interceding for someone.

I have had the privilege to pray via email, and via Facebook chat, and via the phone, and via Skype.  You see, I don't think it matters to God how we pray.  Standing.  Sitting.  Driving.  Eyes wide open.  Eyes shut.  Kneeling.  Lying face down before Him.  Walking.  Phone.  Email.  Is there ever a right or a wrong way to come before God?

I have also been a part of a huge prayer chain.  In fact - the other day we were talking about the prayer chain, and our friend, who I call the "hub" of the prayer chain (he is the one that gets sent prayer requests and then sends them out literally around the world).  He was saying that he thinks the prayer chain actually had its beginning when we had called him in our brokenness over the silent birth of our little Jay.  Oh we were so carried by the prayers of God's people during that time - and often since.

I am not sleeping so well these days - not sure - maybe I really do have to switch to decaf coffee after all OR just stop drinking coffee after 8!! Anyhow, I often wake up and pray … allowing God to bring to mind the one that I need to intercede for at that time. And my heart is so full.  So very very full.
Life is hard isn't it.  It is hard with God - I just can't fathom life without Him.

Lately I have wept often as I have prayed.  Tears flow easily.  And I have just come to realize that I believe it goes with interceding - with bringing some one's needs to the throne room of God!  I also know that at times, I can hardly speak … and I am so thankful that the Word of God says that the Holy Spirit intercedes for us, with groaning when we can't pray.  I am also so glad that I do not have to go to another human being to confess, or to pray - as I can go straight to the Lord - He has made that possible.

My prayers these days have been for healing - petitioning for physical healing/miracles.  I know God is God, and He has a plan and a purpose, but I also know that He says to pray boldly, so I am.
I want to pray boldly.  I am still trying to understand how that works.  Do we sometimes wimp out when we pray by saying Lord I pray for healing, or Lord, I pray for this … and then almost as an afterthought tack on "if its your will".  Don't get me wrong - I believe wholeheartedly that we need to pray for God's will.  But sometimes I think we use it, almost like we have to "give" God and out so to speak.The other day in my morning QT I read from John 14 where Jesus said "And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father.  You may ask me for anything in my name and I will do it."    I am trying to figure this out in my own heart …. and in the meantime, I know from past experience - that God is God.  God is also good.  Sometimes we don't feel like He is hearing us - but He is still good.  So, I will (in the meantime) keep petitioning God - on behalf of those I know and love - those I love even though I don't know them - the young, the old - friends, acquaintances - you name it - I believe if God lays people on my heart - He is calling me to come boldly into his throne room with the prayers on their behalf.  I will keep petitioning God.  I will keep listening.  I will keep praying when I wake up at night, and when drive, and do my dishes, and walk on my treadmill.  And … along with the prayers … I will also continue to weep.

Lord, you say that you will do it, so that the Father is glorified.  So Lord, about little Ben, please heal him Jesus - I pray in your name - please heal him - cause a miracle - cause the tumour to shrink!  O Jesus - please, I am asking you.  I am also asking you for my friends marriage - and for my friends going through depression.  Lord, I am bringing before you - all the youth involved in Soar Heartland, and also for the leaders.  For all the decisions made this week - and the growth that has happened in the lives and hearts of each one - Lord, continue to draw them closer to you Jesus.  I also bring before you my friends husband. Lord please bring him to his knees, as it is only in that, that he will be able to look up and see his need for you Lord.  I pray for recovery of health for my friend, but that you would also continue to grow and nurture all that has happened in her being during this time of fatigue, and ill health.  Lord, you have shown yourself strong and mighty in her life.  I pray for my friend waiting to hear about her immigration status.  I pray for my grandkids to grow strong and healthy and happy but most of all for each of them to turn their hearts to you Jesus, once they are old enough to understand and make that decision.  I pray for my friend who is in the weeks following chemo and radiation - that you would be her strength and healer.  I pray for my friend who has lost a Father/Grandfather figure, and the pain that came with that.  I pray for my friend recovering from surgery.  I pray for safety for my men as they work on the jobs you have called them too.  I pray for the end to an affair that is causing destruction for my friend - Lord, bring that affair to an end - I pray O God - bring healing to that marriage. Give my friend strength as she stands in the gap for her marriage.  May she see her husband turn to you Jesus!!  I pray for our youth pastor who is going to be speaking to a great number of kids tomorrow.  I pray for my new friend who is struggling with so many autoimmune diseases that are playing havoc with her body.  I pray for women I know who are struggling with feeling unloved and not valued.  May each one feel how greatly you love them, and call them beautiful in your eyes.  Lord -  There is just so much … O God - bring comfort to my new friends who have lost their first Granddaughter, born beautiful but silently.  And for my friend who lost their son last summer, and today remember his birthday.  I also pray for my friends who are struggling with decisions that their children are making.  O Lord, God - there is just so very much in our lives - but I know God that you are bigger, stronger, and able to do miracles in each one of these lives!  You O God - you are the great I AM.  You are Healer - Deliverer - Refuge, Rock, Redeemer.  You O God - are righteous and just.  You are the great physician.  You also give wisdom to our physicians.  You Lord God are ALMIGHTY … Saviour - King.  You are GOD.  O Lord - hear my prayers.  May my tears be an offering to you - and may you be honoured and praised.  May each answer bring honour and glory to the Father!  I pray this in your most holy and precious name - Jesus.  I love you.  Amen.  At the name of Jesus …  whatever we ask in your name.  Jesus.

My Daughter - my sweet friend

I love you sweet Ashley!

My sweet daughter with my other sweet daughter!

I will never forget this photo taking day!!
3 months.

My baby is a mommy!

I love you Ashley - Happy Birthday!

Yesterday, March 23rd, 2014 was my baby girl's birthday!

Ashley Marie - this momma loves you more than yesterday, but less than tomorrow!!

Today we celebrated my second born - or as I sometimes still call her - my baby girl.
How can it be sweet One - that you were born 29 years ago - how can that be?
I hardly feel old enough to have a 29 year old (or a 32 year old)
Where does time go?
O my, where DOES it go?

We had birthday breakfast today - and then birthday cake after some hot tubbing
It works this way - with the boys self employed - actually all of us are self-employed and can make our own schedules, along with the boys WFD schedules.
Breakfast - pancakes, hash browns, bacon, sausages, fruit and eggs
Oh dear, scratch the eggs - I forgot to make them!
GO FIGURE I AM GETTING OLDER!!

Sweet Daughter - where did the time go -
I watch you and you are a mommy to our first granddaughter.
I watch you and see so much of myself - so much of dad.
You are a unique but sweet blend!

I think back to this time 29 years ago - you were sleeping in a little hospital bassinet, in my room.
The room I shared with 4 other women.
I remember feeling like God had given us the desire of our hearts.
We had prayed for a little girl, a sister for Josh.
And we only had a girl name picked out.  Although the second name was either going to be Marie or Nicole.
I love Ashley Marie.
So did Oma especially, since it sounded like her name, which was Maria.
I remember bringing you home - all the snow had melted the two days we were in the hospital.
The snow was gone and the ditches were full of water.
The first night you slept right through the night - and when we realized that, we went running into your room.
It was before the days of the baby monitor - and we were scared cause you hadn't made a peep.
You were a little blond hair munchkin.
We called you pumpkin.
Well - then Dad, who is famous for nicknames - added a few more sweet endearing nicknames.
Pump, Pumpkin, Pumpy, Ash, Ashes, …
but most of all you were my sweet little one, and man, my mom heart was so thrilled.
Josh loved you too.
Sure you guys fought a little - more so in  your teen years -
I remember the time you told him - "the two things I love, piano and singing, and you want me to stop!"
Oh sweet siblings.
You brought joy to my life with your twirling,
and your stubbornness
and your singing - oh,
you loved to sing!!
You and I spent many hours in the car - driving to Mennonite Children's choir practices, and performances.
You and I rode into the city alone, when Josh went to kindergarten.
You were the only one that wrote on the wall …
and well, you also stuck Sweet Tarts up your nose and got your brother in trouble.
You loved little animals
You loved your friends
You loved your grandparents
You loved your brother
You loved your teachers
You loved LIFE …
You grew up, and I watched as you cared for your friends
I watched as you got hurt by your friends once in a while
But the one thing I noticed was how forgiving you were.
You were quick to forgive
and seemingly quick to forget.
I love that about you.
You are an encourager - and have always encouraged me as your mom.
You have accomplished so much in life-
And you have also walked over a few hurdles.
You have shown me how to overcome things …
And I love that about you - how you continue to model to me a life of walking with Jesus!
You sweet daughter - are now grown up -
You are my daughter first - and sister - and sister-in-law,
You are now wife, mom and daughter-in-law, and sister-in-law.
I have to share you now - :)
I just want to say how much you mean to me -
Words can't describe it.
On this birthday - I wish you an amazing year ahead - beginning with moving into your brand new home which has been lovingly built.
I am so happy and proud of you both.
Sweet Daughter - Ashley Marie - I love you.
happy birthday!!
love mom
xo

PS  I love you MORE than 55555555555555555555 and always will.
Remember when you thought 5 was the biggest number!!

She would have been 92 today

Today is her birthday.  The sweetest woman in the world to me.
She would have been 92 today.
But I picture her in heaven, looking the most beautiful that I could ever imagine.
And somehow, in my picture, she doesn't look old.
My mom, oh how I miss her.
I wish she had seen the kids grow up, and fall in love and get married.
I wish she could have held the grandkids, although I know she has been spending time with Jay.
But the ones here - I wish she could see them growing up.

There are so many things that I remember about my mom.
I long to be like her.
She was just like no other woman I know.
Never said a bad thing about anyone.
She did not gossip.
She was kind, gentle and loving.
She packed parcels for families on the mission field
And took meals to those who needed one.
Even when her eyesight failed her, she still wrote notes, using a black felt pen so that she could see her words.

So often, I have wanted to talk with my mom.
To get her feedback on something.
To hear her tell me that things would be okay
To hear her pray for me
Or better still, to come upon her, as she was quietly spending time with God.
Those were sacred and holy moments.

She taught me alot about life
She used to fix her hair and put on a bit of blush and lipstick before my dad got home from work.
She used to have this way of giving her anxious and worrisome moments to God
She showed me how to be a mom, but also how to be a wife who stood by her man
She taught me alot about trusting God for everything.

My mom - oh how I miss her.
Today, as I met with God this morning, I asked him if he would just let my mom know how much I missed her, and love her.
I know we will be together again.
I also know that she is not longer in pain with her diabetes caused issues.
She no longer has a foot that needs to be healed
She no longer has to give herself three needles a day
She no longer sees only shadows, but sees clearly.
How she must have loved to see the face of her Lord whom she loved and served.
My mom.
The kids Granny.
My grandkids Great Granny.
It has been almost 18 years
it feels like forever
it feels like yesterday
how does that work?

Happy birthday Mom.
I love you
I miss you
I will see you again
I hope you have had an amazing birthday in heaven.
You are forever in my heart!

love your daughter,
Joy

He has removed the Scarlett Letter and I am HIS

Today I was sitting in front of the fireplace once again, having my QT with the Lord.  I was reading and meditating on the following Scripture.

This Scripture has always intrigued me.

John 8:1-11

New International Version (NIV)

8 1 but Jesus went to the Mount of Olives.

2 At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. 3 The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group 4 and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. 5 In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” 6 They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.
But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. 7 When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” 8 Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.
9 At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. 10 Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”
11 “No one, sir,” she said.
“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”

I have always wondered what exactly it was Jesus was writing in the dirt.  It doesn't say that anywhere.  But when He was being pushed to prove something, the Leaders of the day were really trying to trick him it says.  They come with a woman.  And they challenge Him to say what should be done with her.  Seriously - what were they thinking?
And Jesus bends down and writes something in the earth.  They were obviously not prepared for what He was going to say.  But they push him on it.  I can just picture it.  For some reason, I knew as I was thinking about this story recorded in Scripture - that I needed to write my thoughts from "her" perspective.  I have never been an adulterous woman - at least not in this way - not in the adulterous way with men.  I thank God for my husband.  However have I been untrue to my Lord and Saviour at times when I have allowed other things to push him out of the number One place in my life?  Have I allowed other things (hmmm… perhaps my struggle with food?) become another "lover" in my life?
All of a sudden I am wondering how often I have been untrue to Jesus - the true lover of my soul?
Maybe that is why I felt like I needed to write from her perspective?  I think God is bringing something to the surface in my soul, and I am thankful.  Here are my thoughts.

He Removed the Scarlett Letter and I am HIS

I stood there, after being pushed roughly before this man
The one that is called Jesus
Just another man?
But NO
He teaches and his words cause fear and anger in these men
These "leaders" so to speak
They ones who are so "holy"
so justified in their condemning actions
Their hands gripped so tightly around my arm
leaving fingerprint marks when they let me go.
Bruises were already showing on my arms, and no doubt my face
I
just
stood
there.

scared
wide-eyed
dirty  - both outside and inside
coming to a halt at the feet of this man Jesus
was a relief.

I heard their words of condemnation
"Jesus - she is an adulterous woman
What do you say should happen with her?"
I did not have a visible scarlett A on my chest -
And yet the invisible scarlett letter burned a brand deep into my being.
Perhaps being stoned to death
would
end
the
pain,
the jeers and sneers
and obscene comments.
Bring on the stones!
May it be a swift end.

But Jesus ~
he didn't speak.
Instead he bent over
and wrote in the dirt.
What IS he doing?
Just get it over with Jesus
please ...
announce my sentence!

The men gripped the stones so tightly
their knuckles were white.
Women stared me down
making me feel dirtier
cheaper
and lower than the mud itself
that Jesus continued to write in.

"Jesus, what do you say?"
Their question lingered ~
there was a sense of something happening in the unseen world.
I held my breath
not wanting to miss the words from the Teacher.
And then he stood up and turned to them
And with a strong voice he told them ~
Encouraged them actually
"If you are without sin, then throw the first stone"
These were not the words I expected to hear.
But the reaction to them literally took my breath away.

All around me
there
was
silence.
THICK SILENCE that fell.
And then, one at a time
I heard the stones falling,
but they weren't being thrown at me.
They were dropping to the ground from palms that were opened.

I looked at Jesus
He was stooped down
His index finger writing in the mud again
I don't know what he was writing
But he gave it his whole attention
as if oblivious to the crowd around him

I watched
The old men left first
silently
retreating
out of sight.
And then the young men followed suit.
Women stood and watched their leaders backing down
Normally outspoken, the women now said nothing
but walked away with bowed heads.
I couldn't believe it
I had a feeling of unbelief wash over my body
dusty
bruised
tattered and torn…
and yet something inside me felt alive
more alive than I have ever felt before.

All of a sudden - it was just me.
Me and the Man who saved my life
Me
and Jesus.
He straightened up and looked at me.
Not like men normally looked at me.
No - Jesus looked at me with the most gentle gaze I have ever experienced.
His eyes looked right into my soul
and instead of feeling dirty ~
I felt freedom.
I
can't
explain it.

He spoke to me with such love
and asked me "where are your accusers?"
I could barely get it out
but with all a voice that was quivering, I spoke up
looking him in his eyes
I told him they were all gone.
Noone condemned me.

And then I heard the words that brought healing to my being - complete healing
He ~ my LORD, said "Neither do I condemn  you."
What?
Jesus did I hear correctly?
You don't condemn me?
O but LORD, you should!
I should have the scarlett letter.
I should be stoned.
I am guilty of being unfaithful
of being untrue
I wish it was not true
BUT
IT
IS.

"Neither do I condemn you.
Go now and leave your life of sin!"

He has given me life.
My Jesus ~ my LORD.
exposed but forgiven
a clean slate
a
NEW
LIFE.

Forgive me
help me to walk
Redeemed
Forgiven
Washed Clean
NEW

And in the eyes of the ONLY ONE that counts in my life
I
AM
a NEW CREATION

I
AM
BEAUTIFUL!

He has removed the scarlett letter and ...
I
AM
HIS!