in the secret, in the quiet place ...

God just put a song in my heart today.

The words are like a balm for my soul.  Andy Park's words are different and yet the same as the words I just penned a couple hours ago in my journal. You may (or may not) remember this song, here are the lyrics of the song.  

 In the Secret

In the secret in the quiet place

In the stillness you are there

In the secret in the quiet hour

I wait only for you

'cause i want to know you more

I want to know you

I want to hear your voice

I want to know you more

I want to touch you

I want to see your face

I want to know you more

I am reaching for the highest goal

That i might receive the prize

Pressing onward, pushing every hindrance aside

Out of my way

'cause i want to know you more

These days have been full.  It seems they have been full of thoughts.  Full of words spoken.  Full of words heard from others.  They have been full of beauty around me.  The sights and sounds of my grand children's laughter/conversation/expressions.  Birthday celebration.  Candle blowing.  Hockey tournament cheering.  Encouraging words.  Laughter.  The strong embracing hugs and "I Love You" both heard from and spoken to my family - husband, children and grandchildren.  The "I love you" spoken to friends.    These days have been full of serving at the retreat house, of praying with and for others, of texts, phone calls and conversations while sitting in comfy chairs with cups of tea.  The days have been full of the mundane and very regular ordinary - making beds in the rooms in the retreat house.  Folding laundry.  Taking out garbage.  And then, they have been filled with many thoughts of those who are walking through hard (extremely hard) days:  parents sitting at the bedside of a son who had chosen to die by suicide, and are praying for a "Lazarus" miracle as he lays alive but not responding in the hospital; or closer to me, holding the hand of my friend, who only a couple months before was active, fit, totally involved in life yet is now dying and in palliative care.

It is so easy to ask why God.  So easy.  I know that from when we lost our Jay Benjamin (July 24th, 2008) but I also learned something as we walked in our deepest grief ever.  It came through the words of my daughter-in-law Leah as she shared with me that God doesn't owe us anything even if we think he does.  (And we did feel that, or at least I did).  She also shared with me how we feel entitled.  Oh yes, I know I did.  

I also heard an aunt share  (years ago) at the memorial service of her nephew who was so young and in the great time of life as a young adult, only to have his life cut short through cancer.  She said that she asked him, "Todd do you ever ask God why you?" to which she said he replied that he didn't ask why, but instead said, "why not me".  

The sharing of those words made a huge, deep, lasting impression on me.  

Over the last while, there have been so many tears.  Happy.  Sad.  Extremely sad would be more like it.  I weep easily.   Many years ago (mid 90's)  I noticed I had begun weeping when I prayed for people.  My pastor at the time said "Joy, I think that is your prayer language. Since then the weeping has only increased.  In fact, truth be told I just wiped tears for a while as I prayed in the silence of my own house, with tears streaming down my cheeks.  I share that with you, not at all to flaunt a thing - please know that, but instead to share where God has me on in this journey called life.  

Tears have been my life.  And as I shared with someone in October, I feel like so many tears were shed on the gravel road (literally walking a gravel road first in Anola, and now along Henderson Hwy) that I have walked (and walked and walked) that it has keep the dust under control.  I am okay with those tears.  Thing is, they have increased in volume, and occasion.  Now it isn't just when I pray alone, but I have to choke back the tears that seem to come immediately when I pray for others.  Sometimes, this is a very very hard thing.  You know, especially when you are "wanting to be strong" for someone, it is hard if you are the one weeping all over them.  Often, I have to wait to even get the first words out.  But, I don't believe God wastes a single tear.  In fact, it says in Scripture 

Psalm 56:8, New Living Translation

8 

You keep track of all my sorrows.

    You have collected all my tears in your bottle.

    You have recorded each one in your book.

I remember the day I found this Scripture, and the beauty that filled my soul when I read these words.  You see - again I say, not one of our tears is wasted.  WHY He collects them, and writes them down, its one of those things that I certainly do not understand!  However, I know God's ways and His thoughts are not mine - and I trust Him fully for all these things!!  I just figure that I have a lot of bottles stored up in Heaven!  

Today, I sit here, actually have been sitting her for the last almost 4 hours, with the exception of putting in laundry, or getting a cup of coffee.   I have made some decisions today.  One being that I will not be going onto facebook for a while.  I figure if anyone wants to contact me, they know my email or cell number.    But there has been a bigger decision that I feel God calling me to, and the ramifications of that (my prayer and belief is) that I will experience MORE of Him.  I have been asking Him to use me for His glory, and in whatever way He sees fit.  (that, I confessed to Him, is a little scary to give over, but I trust Him). I have asked Him to speak to me MORE - through dreams at night, or visions, or pictures (which He gave me this morning).  I have been asking him to wake me up in the night if He wishes for me to hear something from Him.  

Contrary to what some believe, I know without a shadow of a doubt that God speaks.  I have witnessed the audible voice of God.  I have also experienced the still small voice speaking - and the voice that speaks through other's - and the voice that always speaks through Scripture.  I say "contrary to what some believe" only because I know that many have never heard the voice of God, but I would encourage you, that you may think HE doesn't speak today, but I testify that He does!  Perhaps you are just not still enough or in a position where you can listen, or will want to hear.  Would love to talk with you more on that if you want - just email me joyandalvin@gmail.com.  I will arrange for that conversation to happen.

So I am waiting on HIM for more.  He, my Beloved, and I am His.  I read that, and I have heard him say that to me as well.  I am in the point of my life, in the midst of the joys and sorrows, the laughter and the tears, the full days and the less full days, with people and alone - I am at this point where I long for more of HIM.  Sitting with and pressing into the heart of my Father God, falling in love more with Jesus who gave his life for me!!  And experiencing more the presence of the Holy Spirit - the one whom Jesus promised would come when he went to be with his Father.  Yep, I know - I've heard it said that Christians should not live on experiences ... but let me tell you dear reader, that I have found that the more you live in and with the experience of the Spirit within, the more the Holy Spirit will bubble out of you and through you, in the every day ness of your life.  I want that.  I want MORE.  

I want more as I watch my family together.  I want more as I pray for my husband who is away doing some service work in the states.  I want more as I host, cook for and serve retreaters here at the ministry house.  I want more as I sit by the bed of my friend who is getting closer and closer to being with Jesus.  

Wanting more lines up with who I believe Jesus is - and what He said in Scripture.  Jesus told his disciples such in John 10:10     I love this verse so much I am giving it to you here in two translations - the NIV and also The Passion Translation

John 10:10 New International Version (NIV)

10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

John 10:10 The Passion Translation (TPT)

10 A thief has only one thing in mind—he wants to steal, slaughter,[a] and destroy. But I have come to give you everything in abundance, [b] more than you expect[c]—life in its fullness until you overflow!

So today this is my prayer - MORE OF YOU LORD.  Those words are covered with tears.  And I know He sees, He hears and He answers.  So I wait on Him for that.

In the midst of my daily life - I wait

More.  Please LORD. More.

with love,

J

PS.  can I ask - what about you? Is this your prayer as well

The Sound of His Voice

The Sound of His Voice

soft yet loud

strong

loving and reassuringly familiar

calling me by name ...

my earthly given name ~ Joy

my God-given name ~ Beloved

it's been a while

I acknowledge that

I've missed sitting with my Father

missed the times of being still

and "cozying up on his lap"as it were

letting the hustle and the bustle noise dim as I "just be"

memories of when He spoke loudly into my quiet space

     interrupting the silence and bursting in through the tears running down my cheeks

that morning years ago, when the words boomed - as loud as if He were in front of me

BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD

it's been a while since that morning

years in fact

but the memory instills in me the knowledge that the Almighty cares

and lovingly speaks ...

but I need to be still enough to hear

yes, I have missed that

... the stillness of body, soul and mind

... the stillness that allows life to slow down

... distractions to diminish in that time frame

And today, I know I need to just "be"

because I know

beyond a shadow of a doubt

that my Father longs for that time of sitting with Him

HE speaks

in my moments of just "be-ing"

... being still

... being attentive

... and waiting as if sitting on the edge of my seat to hear

And I recognize HIS voice

soft yet loud

strong

loving and reassuringly familiar

HIS voice calling me by name

Father to Daughter

Beloved to Beloved

my heart fills with the tangible sweetness of HIS presence

and with the sound of HIS voice

and I know there is no other place I would rather be

but here

@ The Mark Centre

(these thoughts were put to paper while I was on silent retreat at the Mark Centre in Abbotsford, BC)

I see you

above me

below me

before and behind me

no where can I go that you are not there

in the darkest green of the holly bush with its blood red berries

in the feathery boughs of cedar dancing to the music of the wind

in the steady rain falling and running down my window pane

and the cool breeze blowing through the partially open window

I see you

even though I don't actually "see you"

although I long for more

for the eyes and the smile that I imagine when I think of you

I see you in creation which is your signature

nothin is without you

it speaks loudly to my soul

and is something tangible

to see

to hear

to hold

In that - I experience you

You

my love and my life

the One whose breath brought my being to life

the One whose touch is as gentle as the skin of a newborn

or the delicacy of a rose

or the mist that comes down as fog in the fallen

You are there

evidenced in laughter of family, whispers of conversation,

in calling birds, the hand hold of two seniors and the sung prayers

You are there - I feel you

like one feels their loved one

present but silent

beside, yet not clinging

walking in step without talking

You are there

my soul feels your presence

my soul feels your joy

my being is brought to life by you

You speak

sometimes audible

often not, but in a away that is hard to explain

I hear you

I record our conversations 

often writing like a mad woman

only to letter read it and see the most beautiful conversation

Bridegroom to Bride

Creator to the Created

Redeemer to the Redeemed

You are life to me

water to my thirsty soul

and nourishment that feeds, fuels and transforms

I don't see you but yet I do

and my eyes fix on you

You - my love, my life

my all!

hello old friend, its been a while

not sure what the title of this sculpture is - at Mission Hills winery in Kelowna BC.
 I think I would call it "Pondering  Life"

not sure why I picked this photo for this post, but I love it!  So ... 

It is!  Life is good.  Life is hard.  Life is full!

time ... 

Hello old friend - it's been a while .....

Sometimes lately I stop and am amazed at how life has really just ticked by.  One minute, one hour, one day, one week, one month at a time.  Just saying out loud that it was the 17th of this month, made me stop and realize that HEY!! THIS MONTH IS HALF OVER.  Where, oh where does it go.

I see the passing of time in many ways - lately it has been these things that make me inhale/exhale and ponder:

• snow has covered the garden in the back yard.  Summer time with its incessant watering of all the plants, flowers, trees.  It was so lovely - so hot - and pretty dry.  We thought we had so many weekends at the cottage, boat rides on the river, campfires and chats.  And it has come and gone.  Just. Like. That.  And now, the snow - with it came the ability to exhale.  While the garden sleeps, we can breathe - and anticipate it bursting to life in a few months.  
• my grandkids - three out of four - are in school - full days - every day.  Somehow when that happens, my heart does this little *sigh.  School ....  when did they grow into these little grown ups.  But then I get to spend some time with them, and there is still some snuggle time, or some "Granny will you sit here while I fall asleep" time, or even the early morning time when we get joined in our "queen" sized bed by two boys who just want to be there - for a little while.  So we move over to the edges - Alvin to the right - me to the left. And make room because one day this won't happen.  
• book work.  That never ends.  There is book work to be done for the ministry.  And book work to be done for our side business Blue Jay Family Works.  I am bound and determined that THIS NEXT YEAR our accountant will get the books by the end of January once the bank statement comes and can be reconciled.  But it seems like we just finished the fiscal year ... it seems like we just started January 2018.  But, we are almost done.  
• birthdays.  This year our Jay celebrated his 10th birthday in Heaven.  Our Everett will be 9 in a month, Roger will be 7 in two months, Matilda just turned 6 and our Maverick is 2 and 1/2 going on 5. I have been reminded via facebook with some baby pictures and videos.  I have rewatched pictures of the kids as babies, then toddlers ... and now most of them school-age.  But they still love hugs, and kisses (most days) and still love to come to Granny and Poppa's.  I have a feeling these kids of mine will always want to drop over.  I hope so.  That is the perk (one of them) about living a stone's throw (or well, a 2 minute car ride).   
• turning 60.  Yes.  we turned 60.  If 70 is the new 50, the 60 is the new 40?  I am not sure - but we turned it and I have just realized lately that this is the sweet sweet spot of our lives.  Who would have thought?  I used to think 60 was really old .... until I turned it, and now I figure I am still young!  
• some goals are still unachieved.  This year I hoped I would finish writing my story (not yet, but I have been working on it here and there) and I wanted to finally learn guitar (hasn't happened yet) and I wanted to take TAP dance classes (that has happened, and oh man have I been having fun!!  I realize that the first two goals, still not realized, will continue onto 2019.  And - that's okay.  I feel that God knows these things - and he knows my life - and I feel like I still have time to learn.  Tap dance classes has shown me that you still can teach an old dog new tricks!  SO 2019 will LORD WILLING be the year.
• anniversaries.  This year we celebrated milestone anniversaries in our family.  15 for Josh and Leah.  10 for Ashley and Michael and 40 for us.   Seriously - 40 of my 60 years, well actually almost 44 of 60 have been in love and married to the same man!!  Nowadays, even my kids milestone anniversaries, let alone ours - is nothing to laugh at.  Anniversaries these days mean alot to us, but many do not realize these milestones.  I thank God for his presence in our lives - and acknowledge that marriage is hard - but it is so worth it.  I thank God for these celebrations in our lives.  And, I do not take them for granted.
• facebook just reminded me of some pictures - and this time last year (and the years before) my house was decorated for Christmas.  Its funny - I love the look of the decorations, especially the twinkly lights, but oh man, I hate decorating.  As a friend of mine tells me "Joy, hate is a strong word!"  lol.   But I do.  I am not sure if I ever really liked it.  In the past I have had some young women come and give me a hand.  This year - my sister, who is Queen of Christmas Decor coming to help.  But its hard to believe - it is fast approaching.
• Come Away Retreat for women - at the Mark Centre in Abbotsford.  Oh my heart - I can hardly wait.  This is my second time going, the first time it was a gift from a sweet friend.  This time my board has put it into the budget and encouraged me to go and then also tack on a couple more days.  This decision was made in Feb. and I immediately booked it.  SO ... it has been on the horizon for months, and I am going in 5 sleeps!!  I can hardly wait.  Time has gone quickly!
• and last but not least - posting here on my blog.  I have had this blog for a while.  It actually has served many purposes over the years since I began - since I dubbed the title "thoughtsandmusingsofacountrymouse". My kids affectionately at time call me "country mouse". I remember when I started it and they teased me.  What did I know about blogging?  I knew it was a place to write my thoughts - tell my story - sometimes vent - or dream - or write poetry.  It has been like therapy often - especially 2008-2009.  But today when I went to write, I noticed that I have not written since the summer.  Time has passed by, and this avid journaller's "pen" has been relatively silent - at least here.  The reality is far from that - the pace of life with family, friends and ministry, let alone church and community things has not slowed down.  LIFE has carried on regardless of whether it is recorded in words on a blog post, or on pages in my journal.  Life has carried on and I see it in the ways my mind and my heart have expanded.  Life is more than these posts, and so much more that I carry but is not spoken out loud.  And that's okay.  Quite okay.  But, again, I have realized about the passing of time.

So, friend - it has been a while.  It's been months.  Regardless of my lack of writing, my life is full.  Jesus said he came to give life - and life to the full - and oh He is showing me just that!!  He is showing me that the full life - is the abundant life.  It may not be safe.  It may not be easy.  It may not be comfortable and it certainly is NOT predictable.  But - it is full - and this girls is loving all HE has for me!  (well mostly, sometimes He has to ease me into things).  

We have no idea what our life holds - but we know who holds it.  We have no idea of the number of our days - but we know He does.  He is Sovereign and He knows it all - and us - well, I am choosing to live fully - this moment - this hour - this day - this week- this month and this year.  

Live life friends!!

with love

   Joy

"AHA" moments on a Sunday Morning in July

Just as God gives me heart shaped clouds to remind me of HIS love, He also brings contentment to my soul!

This past Sunday I went into the house of the LORD ...  ahhhh.... it was so good
Now, I realize that when I say "the house of the LORD" I am not saying that our church is THE house of the LORD, but instead it is the local gathering of believers of which I am a part of.  Sometimes, between working full-time in ministry, and being away at the cabin ~ it means that I often miss weeks where I am not sitting in the pew.  I miss that.  I miss the people around me that I get a hug from.  I miss getting the sermon first hand.  I miss worship in music ... and just standing there with my eyes closed worshipping and hearing the body around me singing.  SO when I went to worship with Eastview Church last Sunday - it was so good.

That morning God had taken me to a place where I had a big "aha" moment.  I will be honest, I have had some hard hard days since January 1st.  Hard, but good.
Hard, but I've grown in them.  Hard but I see God's work and experience His presence in my life.  But, there have been hard times.

So on Sunday, as I read/journalled/spent time with the LORD ..
And then I went to church and listened/prayed/worshipped I noticed something .
I noticed that I had a strong STRONG sense of CONTENTMENT.  
It was strong.
It was noticeable (even compared to the week prior)
I knew it was of God.
It was very very tangible.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Contentment [N] [T]

a state of mind in which one's desires are confined to his lot whatever it may be ( 1 Timothy 6:6 ;  2 co 9:8 ). It is opposed to envy ( James 3:16 ), avarice ( Hebrews 13:5 ), ambition ( Proverbs 13:10 ), anxiety ( Matthew 6:25 Matthew 6:34 ), and repining ( 1 Corinthians 10:10 ). It arises from the inward disposition, and is the offspring of humility, and of an intelligent consideration of the rectitude and benignity of divine providence ( Psalms 96:1 Psalms 96:2 ;  145 ), the greatness of the divine promises ( 2 Peter 1:4 ), and our own unworthiness ( Genesis 32:10 ); as well as from the view the gospel opens up to us of rest and peace hereafter ( Romans 5:2 ).  https://www.biblestudytools.com/dictionary/contentment/

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I love how within the definition I found through google, it says (contentment) is opposed to so many things!! It says contentment arises from the INWARD disposition!!  I love seeing that contentment is the offspring of many things!  I do not believe Contentment happens "by chance" but is a gift from God to us!  

When I think of contentment and Scripture, these verses come to mind. This Scripture is among my favourites!  I am going to put it first in NIV and then,  I have come to love THE PASSION TRANSLATION (new) and so here it is below.  I believe with all my heart - that our contentment comes out of what the verses say we should do.  Here is the portion in NIV first, and then The Passion:

Psalm 37:4-9 New International Version (NIV)

4 Take delight in the Lord,
    and he will give you the desires of your heart.

5 Commit your way to the Lord;
    trust in him and he will do this:
6 He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,
    your vindication like the noonday sun.

7 Be still before the Lord
    and wait patiently for him;

Psalm 37:4-6 The Passion Translation (TPT)

4 Make God the utmost delight and pleasure of your life,[a]
    and he will provide for you what you desire the most.
5 Give God the right to direct your life,[b]
    and as you trust him along the way
    you’ll find he pulled it off perfectly!
6 He will appear as your righteousness,[c]
    as sure as the dawning of a new day.
    He will manifest as your justice,
    as sure and strong as the noonday sun.

Footnotes:

1. Psalm 37:4 The word delight means “to be soft or tender.”
2. Psalm 37:5 The Hebrew uses the word commit, which means “to roll over your burdens on the Lord.”
3. Psalm 37:6 The Hebrew verb found here is also used for giving birth. Perhaps this is a reference to the birth of Christ, our righteousness.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am thankful to our LORD and Saviour Jesus Christ for this tangible sense of contentment.
When it comes from Jesus - there is no other word to describe it.  Contentment.  It floods my heart my soul, my spirit and my mind.  And I am so thankful.

As we were leaving church on Sunday, Alvin and I were chatting about the service.  Excellent sermon from our Pastor Delbert and the worship in song brought tears rolling down my cheeks.  I know God was up to something that morning, and continues on today and I am thankful.  Anyhow, I asked Alvin how he was feeling.  And to my surprise, but not really, he said, "I am feeling content" ...  Thank you Jesus.

It is well with our soul!  

living fully,

    j

When joy and sorrow meet

Sometimes joy and sorrow meet.

Actually, in my life, perhaps it is more than just "sometimes" ...

Tears have fallen alot lately.  My good friend is dying.  Too young.  Too soon.  Too quick.

And yet we know that God is sovereign and fully in control.  We know that HIS ways are not our ways.  We know that HIS timing is always on time.  And in the midst of all of this knowing, we still often finding ourselves whispering, and sometimes shouting “Why LORD Why?”

The other day as I sat along the bedside of my friend, I watched her as she was taking a nap. 

I realized that as I looked at her, I had a sense that there was something familiar.  
Yes … something in her reminded me of my mom.  
At first that seemed a little strange, as my friend is not quite five years older than me.  So how could she remind me of my mom? 
And then I realized what it was.  It was the peace that was obvious - even when my friend was sleeping.

Peace.

Quiet or tranquility.

That was it!! 

Peace in the face of death.  Just like my mom. 

A couple days ago, as I sat by her bed, with her hand in mine, I thought she was fast asleep when she said “I am grateful”  Not wanting to say anything if it was in her sleep, I just sat there and took note of what she said.   And then a few minutes later she said, “that is the answer” so I asked her what was the answer, and she said again, “I need to be grateful”.

Again she reminded me of my mom. One time when my mom was so sick in the hospital, I asked her if she was tired of it all, she told me “oh no dear, I have so much to be grateful for.”  

Peace.

Gratefulness

In the midst of sickness, pain and facing the end of life.

Those two things alone bring me to an awe.
I watched my friend, and was reminded of my mom.

Yesterday I heard one of my favorite songs being played.  

It is Well with my Soul.

My tears began with the first notes of the song.

I have wept with her a few times. 

I have also had the privilege to hold her hand, and to have her hold mine.

And, usually the two things happened together.

Two weeks ago, while driving her back from Cancercare we were talking as I drove.

At that time we didn't know that the cancer would progress so quickly, although she said she believed she was nearing the end stage and had just gotten to the point where she could admit that. 

I asked her how she felt knowing that she would meet Jesus.

As we talked, I looked straight ahead, but the tears rolled, and I felt her hand on mine, and realize her tears were there too.

I think of in the Bible in the Gospel of John.  The shortest verse is recorded “Jesus wept”.

He wept when he realized that his friend had died.  

Jesus.  Being fully God - He wept.

Now you may or may not know the story - the ending was a miracle.  Jesus raised his friend from the dead.

But the thing that always captivates my thoughts is that it records His emotions.  His response.  

His tears.

Jesus,

Wept.

I have had the privilege of chatting with her.  Sitting by her bed in periods of quiet.  Being there to hand her ice chips, or a cold cloth.  Tonight during a short visit, I took her hand as she slept.  And before I left, we gathered close to her, and I held her hand, and the hand of her husband and prayed.  

And she slept.

And tears came.

And the peace was there along with the recollection of her words “I am grateful”

Tonight as I wrap this up and go to sleep, my heart and thoughts are with her, asleep in the hosptial room  and with her husband who will be facing a “new normal” soon.

My prayers are for the two of them.  
God knows our length of days - for each one of us.

Our first breath and our last.  Our life is but a vapour - we just studied this in James during our life group time this past week.  
God knows all of this. 

And I am thanking God for our friendship - for the love - for the peace and the gratefulness.

Thank you my friend Gisele - you have taught me so much through our friendship, your love, care, support and rolemodeling.  

I love you my friend.  
I hope you are sleeping now, but overwhelmed by a tangible sense of God's presence and peace!

And me, I am grateful too.