an Ursula experience

It is a strange thing when you think you have put something hard behind you but then have something come up and the old thing from the past rises up inside of you, taking you to a place that doesn't look or feel nice.  Not. One. Little. Bit.  In fact, it looks and feels ugly to the enth degree.

In fact, in my mind, if I could think of a picture to capture the way it rises up, the picture would likely be this one - 

When my daughter was younger and she watched The Little Mermaid, and this scene came on, I could not help but feel that it was really scary, and evil.  There is nothing good about this character.  The is scary and when she rises up out of the sea, she is bigger than life and keeps growing.

This is kind of how I have felt lately as some things in my present have resurrected the past.  The past that contains memories that my heart has worked with, and I have given over and over again to the LORD.   (what? its back, no you take it LORD) .  It seemed to come to a culmination yesterday and I was just so angry which surprised me because I don't think I am an angry person at heart.  But I recognized anger right away.  

It makes no sense really.  The things that set me off were/ are not even related to the things in the past. or at least not really that I can see at first glance inward.  It could be just something I saw, or or read.  A post, a text, a message on facebook.  It could have be a feeling of being left out, or a feeling of being made to feel stupid. Or maybe all of the above!! And I know, and see, how each one of the "could be's" have the potential to bring that Ursala up out of the water in all her ugliness.  And yesterday Ursula presented herself - so ugly - and seemingly bigger than life.  And I felt like I could not breathe.  

So I shared with a prayer warrior friend that I needed prayer.  I needed someone else to help hold up my arms like they did with Moses. She is always there for me.  Well, I believe I am there for her too.  In her wisdom she asked if I wanted to share what was going on, and I did.  

As I wrote it down to send her in a text, I was not sure I liked how it sounded or looked when I read it back - there in black and white, and see that it makes you look hmmm what would be the word? Maybe messy is the best word.  Yes - I am so messy.   I don't like how feels nor do I like how it looks either. 

I needed to let someone else speak into my life, and to see someone else's response to me.  Just to hear someone say she understands.   (Maybe because she has been part of my journey way back when ...) and instead of being made to feel like I am a real "case" ~ my arms are quickly lifted by her prayers and encouragement.  Just like Moses friends lifted his arms when the battle got to be too much.

You see, I didn't need answers, I just needed the friend(s) who ask the hard questions and presses into the Father on my behalf.    I have to say that I have 3 friends who really go deep with me and we pray for one another - there is no fluff in our conversations.  I love that. It is much easy being vulnerable when you know someone is praying for you.

Then last night I was able to physically get out of the house and breathe.  I did not have to be home for the retreater, she knows the ropes.  I was able to get outside of my four walls and breathe deep.  This helped.  

I know this is a post that says a whole lot of nothing about something lol.  You don't need to know any details about that which pushed me to the edge yesterday.  You do need to know however, that when that happens to you (and it likely will at some point) ~ you need to run to the WORD.  Even if you don't read it, even listen to it on audio ... and to just SIT with the Father and ask His Word to be renewed in your mind.  Sit with him, like you would on the knee of the most amazing Dad ever. NOW:  I know some of you may have a problem with imagining a dad image for God.  I get that, but I don't have a problem, in fact, I love thinking about my relationship with my Heavenly Father who yes, has characteristics of a Mother, and ... at risk of sounding mean, this post is really about me and my thoughts, and I thank God that I had a earthly father who pointed me to my Heavenly Father, through his love and actions towards me).  Yesterday I wept.  Some of the tears I knew where they were coming from.  Some of the tears were tears of the past as well.  It's like my heart opened up and the tears leaked out!   I actually talked with two sisters over the day,  who both pointed me back to Jesus - thank you ladies.  We all need friends in our lives who dare to ask the hard questions.  Who dare to challenge us on what we see.  And who dare to call us out when they think our behaviour or response is not good.  I thank God for friends who through godly wisdom challenge me to press into God and examine my heart.

I knew I needed to run to the WORD.  I knew I needed to sit with the Father.  I knew I needed to call in some reserves for extra prayer support.  I knew that again, I had to call the enemy out and tell him he was not going to use any of this to get me down, and further more he could go back to hell where he belongs.  Yep, I learned that through Priscilla Shirer in the War Room - and so I did - I called out to Jesus - outlaid - full strength voice (my retreater was out for a little while so she was not frightened by me!) and I prayed out loud with tears running down my cheeks and then - I also told the devil where to go!

The other thing I knew was that it was time to go and see Rebecca, a therapist that God has put into my life for such a time as this.  It seems we need to sit and talk.  So the appointment is set.  I just have to say that she - is such a gift from God, and the way she works with clients is amazing.  If you are walking through something and you need to see a counsellor, I highly recommend Rebecca Dolyniuk.   You won't regret that decision.

Today I feel better.  

My bible plan for today started off with the title "The Overflow from the Heart" and "Wrestle with God in prayer" and you have to know (if you are reading this) that this is where I am at.  I want my overflow to be that of joy.  I am wrestling with the Lord on a few things.  Yes, I know - HE ALWAYS WINS but he lets me wrestle with him on things. And I am so glad.  I am his Beloved!!  

And tomorrow - I get to walk into Rebecca's office and sit on her cute couch and talk.

Oh Lord, I love you!  I know I am your beloved! Thank you LORD GOD that you are in all of my past - in the my present and in my future.  Even the hard stuff.  You walked those days with me, and you are still walking with me. Thank you for amazing sisters who are there for me, encouraging, calling out, and challenging me when needed.   Thank you for your WORD which continues to shed light onto my feet and to point me always again and again to the Truth.  Thank you that I can keep growing, keep learning and keep healing. I am so thankful LORD that you are not mad when I come to you broken and messy, no in fact, like a parent with their child, you wipe off the dust from my knees, the tears from my cheeks and you embrace me!  Oh Father - Papa - Abba I love you.  And LORD thank you for giving wisdom to therapists who can also help us walk through some tough patches. I praise you LORD GOD ~  For this day, and all it holds.  I say thank you!!  

I love you LORD!   Love, Joy

PS:  a little note on seeing a therapist/counsellor:  a few too many times I have heard people say "no I don't need a counsellor" or they go to see their pastor.  Now, remember I pastor'ed too but I would say that pastors "normally" are not certified counsellor and should be sending people out to those who also have the resources.  Like the insurance company said at a seminar, unless a pastor has the counselling designation behind their names, they should not be counselling.   I know people who do not think it is "bad enough" to see a counsellor or hear "it's too much money". and I hear you on that. It does cost us money.  But your life, your mental health is worth it.  

I should have taken the Sleep Juice!

It's 1:30 am.  Too late to take sleep juice (a herbal product).  I have laid in bed for a while - and have decided to just get up, come upstairs and sit by the fire.  It's not the first time I have done this routine. The ringing in my ears seems extra loud tonight.  That just never goes away, although sometimes other noise lessens the continuous ringing in my head.  Ringing is one thing.  But sometimes, some nights (okay, MANY nights) the thoughts in my head are noisy too!  I keep a book beside my bed which I often reach out to in the dark, and scribble the thought down in ink so as to let it go until the morning.  But that idea was not sufficient for me tonight, or should I say this morning.  Which is it?

It's dark outside.  And it seems everyone/thing is asleep, or still.  (well everyone/thing except this gal). Maybe it was the coffee I drank at 7 pm.  Mental note regarding late night coffee consumption.  In fact, I am thinking perhaps I should cut back on coffee and not drink it at all after 4.  

There are many thoughts in my mind - bouncing around like the silver balls in the pinball machines.  I have often thought it would be cool to have all the thoughts in my head recorded.  Or on second thought, maybe not, as I am thinking they would be so scattered that one would just laugh.  My children have often laughed and looked at one another when I say something that is totally unrelated to the conversation we were in ... yep, there goes another butterfly I have sometimes said.  You know how butterflies fly here and there, often surprising you from whence they came.  Well that's me.  

Those thoughts that go from one extreme to another.  Some serious, others whimsical.  Some just spoken out loud, but perhaps should have been kept to myself.  Do other women in their sixties do this?  Am I that much of an anomaly lol

Tonight as I laid in bed my thoughts recalled people I needed to bring before the LORD.  Some of the same names that I had prayed for earlier.  Other names were somehow attached almost like threads, to the names of former prayers.  I love how God does that.  He brings people to mind.  And then I pray.  Years and years ago, we had a friend (who is now with Jesus) and he used to talk about how he peddled on his stationary bike, and prayed for people.  He shared that he had a big notebook of names to pray through.  Now, I realize that people all have different prayer habits, but let me tell you that having a huge list of names to pray through is not one of my habits.  Over the course of my life, I have also felt bad a few times when someone thanked me for praying for them, and I knew that I had not yet prayed (so thankful that others had).  So I have adopted prayer habits such as 1) NOT telling people that "I will pray for you" but instead actually praying for them then, either in person right at the time, or over the phone, or even over text or email.  I don't think God cares HOW we pray.  He knows anyhow, and seriously, it isn't like God NEEDS us to pray however I believe it is about coming before him with the prayers that are on our hearts concerning those we love.  Another prayer habit is 2) NOT making a list of names to just read through or call out, but instead to pray as God brings people's names to my heart.  Okay, let me be honest.  For me, there is nothing inviting about just having a list of names.  Don't get me wrong.  I know that for some people, this is the best way for them to pray for others.  HOWEVER, for me, a list of names is not something that inspires me to pray.  I instead love how God brings a name to mind.  And when that happens, I pray for that person. The best part about this is when I have perhaps let someone know for instance, that I was awakened in the night with God laying their name upon my heart to pray, and then finding out about how they were spending time with the LORD about then, or going through something that needed prayer.  You know, God is amazing the way HE uses us in His Kingdom work!!  I love that!  

I guess maybe the other thing that I believe, is something an older friend told me once when I shared how I had been praying and fasting at a specific time each week for something significant, and that week I had missed it.  She looked at me with a big smile, and told me that this guilt was not of God, and that she also said that the prayers of the saints are eternal - and that just because I was on a time line, didn't meant that the prayers offered before, weren't still prayers that God knew and heard (and collected in the prayer bowls that are mentioned in the Bible).  Seriously - I love the Scripture that talks about the bowls of prayers in the throneroom! 

Prayer.  I know that prayer definitely changes things.  It draws us closer to the heart of the Father. It brings Heaven closer to earth so to speak.  Prayer finds us sometimes wrestling with answers, and other times prayer increases our faith.  Some people say prayer is just coincidence.  But stop praying and see what happens with your coincidences!!

When my children were young, I began to pray with them about everything.  I would pray before they got on the bus.  For appointments - for interviews - for jobs - even for bathing suits!  (yep, this is an amazing AMAZING God story - ask me about it!!). I would pray with them about things they were afraid of, or wrestling through.  Yes, we did the normal prayer as in saying thanks to the LORD before meals, or bedtime prayers.  But prayer was way more than that.  It was really one way I wanted them to see that we can talk with God anywhere, any time, eyes open or shut, on our knees or standing up, walking running or driving, out loud, or in our hearts.   As my children came to me with their joys and heart aches, their successes and their failures, their wants and their needs, or just to sit with my arms around them as they rested on my lap - THIS picture was the picture I wanted them to experience first hand, and learn about how this is such a living illustration of how the Father wants us to come to him with every single thing, and also to come just to be with him in silence.  As a mom to my kids, I heard every request and every reason behind why the request should be granted.  I heard the rebuttals and the pleading.  I also heard the thank-yous and sometimes the why-nots.  As a mom I also was able to hold them while they cried, and hold them as they laughed.  And then were the times when they would just come and want to be held in a warm embrace.   You know, I experienced this first hand myself, as a young child.  My dad was not perfect by any stretch of the imagination but oh he loved us kids.  And I loved sitting on his lap being held, being in conversation with him.  As a little girl, I got to experience the love of my earthly father, and I believe this helped me understand the amazing love of my Heavenly Father - Papa.  God.   And in turn, as I raised my children, and to this day as I also help to pour into the lives of my grandchildren, I want them to know how approachable and present the Father is to them, and how He loves for them to come to him with everything!

Prayer.  There is much to be said on the subject.  However the biggest things about prayer have been learned through my life of communion with the LORD.  My prayer has grown because of my relationship with the LORD.   And I don't take any one of those moments - those requests - those conversations - those times of being with Him in silence for granted.

We all need people around us that will pray.  in each of our lives, I believe we know who that circle is.  The ones that text to say, "hey you were on my heart so I prayed for you" or "woke up in the night with you on my heart, so I prayed."  Or maybe it was an older person in your life who you know prays for you daily whether you think you need it or not (my parents did this - I know because I could hear them as they prayed for me in their room at night).  May the circle includes life groups that spend time praying each time they meet (ours does) or may include our spouses, or children who will put their hands on you and pray (I will admit, that is one of my favorite things) ... or as just happened not that long ago, having my oldest grandson pray for me!   We need a circle around us of people who pray with us, and for us whether we ask or not.

I hope that perhaps I have been, or can be that person to you!

Love Joy

PS ... I am praying for you now:

Father, I thank you for this time in the wee hours of this day.  LORD you have given me this space when everyone else is asleep - to think, to write and now to pray. Thank you for that.  I thank you for the way you impress names on our hearts, to pray for.  I thank you for how you hear, and your answer.  I pray right now for someone who may read this.... LORD if they are searching for you, may you be found by them.  If they need forgiveness, may they speak to you, and experience your redeeming love.  I pray that if someone that reads this needs to know how much they are loved by you - may they encounter your grace and experience a tangible sense of your love.  YOU Papa, are Sovereign.  You are fully in control.  May your will be done in their and my life - and your Kingdom come on earth - as it is in Heaven.  Amen.

God ordained encounter in the Chicago O'Hare airport

Should have gotten a pic with him, but not so great at selfies...  So I just snapped this one 

The Chicago airport is a bustling place.  People of all shapes, sizes, heights and race bustling back and forth, along with the honking of vehicles that are transporting those who need a ride.  I love to people watch.  I had a couple hours of it in the itinerary today, but that quickly turned into more time as the plane was delayed.  There is only so much coffee one can drink.  I moseyed on back to F4 where the plane was supposed to be arriving shortly for our flight.  Surveying the small waiting area, I saw one place toward the corner.  A lone man sat there, with a seat beside him.  I went and sat down.  He moved his bag over to give me more room.  I mentioned that perhaps the plane would be even longer than expected, to which he replied that he was just hanging out in that area as he had some hours till his flight. And from that our conversation ensued.
Dan, a man who began his dream job with United airlines (not a pilot) after he retired from his main job.  He asked me what I did, to which I replied, that I had been a pastor, but now I am the director of a non profit retreat ministry.  He looked at me, and asked me which denomination I had been a pastor for.  He quickly said, not that it matters, but he knew not all denominations were for female pastors.  He then asked me more about the retreat centre.  He told me he was happy that it also included women AND men for retreating, as he felt it was so needed.  Somehow we had a segway to the YouVersion app and he mentioned that he loved a certain translation.  Our conversation was short but sweet and I gave him a business card, and told him to look us up if he and his wife ever came to Manitoba.  He took out his wallet and tucked the card into it.  (I have a feeling I may hear from him one day).

The airline personnel went on the loudspeaker to say the plane had arrived and we would be boarding once it was checked over and cleaned.  Dan said it would be about 15-20 minutes more for me, and then he turned to me and said, "would it be okay if I prayed for you?"  I said absolutely.  And there we sat in the corner - the two of us, my hand in his.  He lifted me before the Throne Room.    He thanked God for the divine encounter and for bringing me along into his life at that time.  He prayed for me and the ministry.  Once he said Amen, I prayed for him. When we were done, I told him how I needed that encouragement and prayer.  I shared that my heart was heavy today, as I had received some really hard news from a friend. I looked this new friend in the eyes and thanked him for praying for me.

I had to run to the washroom and then came back to get into line to board.  I looked in the corner and he was not there.  For a brief moment, I wondered if he was really a UNITED airlines worker, or if he was an angel that God sent to encourage me.  But as I walked to give the ticket agent my passport, I looked to the left and saw Dan over on the other side.  We exchanged smiles, and a wave.  New friends.  Prayer buddies.  God-ordained.  Amazing.  ONLY. GOD.

Prayer is not coincidence! Pray, pray and pray some more!

Pray without ceasing.  This is likely a verse I learned very early in my years.  I always wondered - how does this happen.  How does one pray - without stopping?  How do you do life, and still pray?  What is the posture that God wants us to have?  On our knees.  Face down before him?  

I believe that over the years, I have learned a lot about prayer.  About having conversation with the Father.  I have come to understand how like when my kids were little and came to sit on my lap - this is not unlike what the Father loves too!  I sometimes  no OFTEN, imagine sitting on the lap of the Father, my head on His chest, feeling the beat of his heart, and talking to Him.  I believe this characterizes prayer too.  Oh how He longs for us to come and talk with him.  

I have come to realize that prayer can be like breathing.  You know, we don't even really think of the aspects of inhaling and exhaling ... we just do it.  I believe that prayer is like this and that as we pray more and more, it becomes just well, "second nature" and our expression to the LORD.

Throughout my years, I have had the opportunity and the privilege to stand in the gap (so to speak) for others.  To pray for the homeless, and also for those who are in their comfy homes but needing prayer.  I remember one time when I was Toronto at a conference for our denomination, we went on a "spiritual scavenger hunt" in an area that you actually didn't really want to find yourself in close to midnight.  But in we went, in groups of 2's.  One of the things we were encouraged to do was to pray with someone that God would place along our path, but to have a conversation with them first, and then if they were okay with it, to pray with them.  This night was the first time I ever experienced the feeling of seeing someone with Jesus eyes, and I was brought to tears, as my soul felt overwhelmed with seeing this person perhaps as Jesus does.  This has happened to me just a handful of times since, where I have "felt" this, like the LORD gives me his eyes.  

 I have also been asked to pray for the sick, and also for the dying.  There is something about being there as someone is dying.  It is like being on holy ground.  I thank God for those times as I've prayed for the one being ushered into heaven, and also for the family letting them go for the time being.  

Praying for the sick, has stretched me in places as I have felt like I have put it all on the line, asking God to heal - ad to show His might and power!  

I have had the opportunity to pray for countless women, and men over the years of ministry here.  To stop what I have been doing, and to be invited into a story.  This weekend was no exception.  I have prayed for people ahead of their visit here, and then often have prayed with people around a cup of coffee, or a hug and a prayer prayed into their ear.  

I will admit that sometimes the list of people to be prayed for seems long.  I don't think I am the only person who has willingly said "I will pray for you" only to have forgotten.  I don't think I am the only one that has been thanked for praying, and realizing that I had forgotten.  Talk about feeling like I have let someone down!! I have come to see that with prayer, as a sister in Christ once told me - that the prayers of the saints are eternal!  That God doesn't care if I pray about the same thing over and over - that He knows, and if I prayed once - that is sufficient. 

I have come to believe that if I feel the need to pray for someone, then I need to for sure do it immediately - with them.  I believe I can pray not only in person (which I love doing) but can also pray with someone over the phone (my parents did that with me) or even through text or email.  I also write out my prayer time conversations in my journal.  I don't believe there are rights or wrongs in our prayer life.  Or maybe the only wrong would be to never pray!

I can not imagine life without prayer.  For me, the most incredible gift is also when someone stops me, and prays.  This doesn't happen as much as I would love, but it does happen, and I am thankful.

I have also come to realize that we do not have to know the person that we are praying for.  And I also believe that God enlarges our hearts for people that we may not know, but feel a need to pray.  This has happened alot lately - as God has brought me into stories of two women, who are in ministry and whose husbands died by suicide.  Or the stories of a wife, whose husband is recovering from an extreme head injury where he likely should have died (2 and a half years ago) but it seems God has other plans!  Or most lately Ive been praying for a little girl and her family, who is in rehab after suffering a freak fall off a golf cart.  I have woken up in the night (for no reason) only to have God bring one of the names to mind - and I pray.  

We do not always know the affects of our prayers, but we do know the one who is the Miracle Maker.  As I talked with someone this weekend, I did say that sometimes the way we pray is not answered the way we hope, but we have to trust that God is sovereign and fully in control. We sometimes feel entitled to a certain answer don't we?  We need to remember that God is NOT a vending machine, nor does He operate like Santa Claus.  If you have children, you will agree with me that any good parent does not give their child everything they ask for.  We like to think we know the best for our kids.  I believe this is much like our Abba - who knows exactly what we need and when.    I believe that prayer is about spending time in adoration and confession as well.  Praising him first for who he is - for recalling His faithfulness to us, and to our families.  And yes, there is time to ask ...  

One of my friends experienced a tragedy in their family and told me that one of the family members wondered why even pray if God didn't answer the prayer that seemed like the best prayer that day!  (don't we always ask for safety for our kids?). When we talked, she shared that her spouse felt that perhaps praying was of no value since God does his own thing anyhow.  To be honest, I likely felt this same way ten years later when our grandson was born silently, and we prayed and petitioned God like I have never done before or since.  But to "seemingly" no avail.  We prayed with such fervour, but I asked God - WHERE WERE YOU?  WHY DIDN'T YOU ANSWER and I even voiced "God I don't even know if you are faithful!"  Oh I am so glad that His shoulders are way bigger than my rants.  BUT truth be told, his lack of responding to our prayer that day, really sent me for a loop.  

I won't ever act like I understand that. 

But I believe I can fully say now, that through each time I have prayed, whether God has answered in the way I prayed or not, that I have grown in my faith, and come to believe regardless - He is still sovereign.  He has not abandoned us and He is still faithful.

Prayer.  Like our breath, becomes something we do more and more of, if we are open to being invited into others lives, and to pray with people.

Prayer becomes our response - in the good - in the bad - and yes, even in the ugly.

Prayer is what we do regardless of color or race, financial status or whether it is a friend, family member or just someone we have read about.

Prayer is our response - and our way to stand in the gap and hold up people's arms (like when Moses needed his arms to be held up by others)

Pray.

without ceasing

Just. Pray.

j

PS

As I was writing this, I was reminded of the verses that talk about the prayers of the saints being collected in golden bowls in the throne room of God ... what a powerful image that is!  Just think - my prayers - your prayers - the prayers of others are there!!  WOW.  

So as I head off to bed, I will be praying .... for Kayla, for Julie, for Eva Love, Dugan and Lindsey, for Laura nd Jonny.  (none of which I know) And then for my family, especially my littlest "grand" who has been up experiencing croup tonight ... and then for my friends, T.T. in Nepal, and Karen in the UK and on and on ...

It is a privilege to stand in the gap ....  

My father used to say "People always say that answers to prayer are just coincidences, but you will soon see that if/when you stop praying - coincidences stop happening!! "     My dad was right.

Prayer does change things.

Okay, off to bed... 

He speaks ...

I began this page of my journal as stated in the picture.  O LORD thank you for the stillness of today. It is a still day.  My grandsons who were staying with us, are in school.  I need to clean up remnants of our last few days, and remake some beds, but it feels like an okay day to procrastinate in those areas and to just be still!

And as I sat, I penned these words - maybe they could speak to you too!

He speaks
through the stillness
His presence tangible
without me seeing his face
I know He's here

Strong arms
wrapped about my shoulders
the same shoulders that sometimes feel the weight of the world on them
and He, with his strong arms - lifts the weight off
and carries it for me
His voice whispers - "Come onto me - all you who are weak and heavy laden
and I will give you rest"      *Matthew 11:28 TLB
His strong arms about me
are a great big hug from the Almighty.

He speaks in the silence
through the beauty of the Blue Jays
and the joy of the Chickadees
Their color.
Their actions.
Their sounds.
remind me that I am created by the same Creator who made them ~ 
my feathery reminders of our God!
And He speaks ~ "Look at all the birds - do you think they worry about their existence?  
They don't plant or reap or store up food, yet your Heavenly Father provides
them each with food.  Aren't you much more valuable to your Father than they?"*Matt 6:26 TPT
And I know those words help me to stop my worrying
because I know that God's Got This!

He speaks
through the warmth of my surroundings, the comfy chair and the fireplace.
through the fragrance of the diffuser, the sound of the trickling water fountain near by,
the rustle of my Bible pages turning.
He even speaks in the mess of my kitchen.
The silence of this space ~
the sites, sounds, smells
speak loudly even though his voice can not be audibly heard.
HE SPEAKS

He surrounds me with a tangible thick sense of His presence
He overwhelms my senses and reminds me "I will never leave you or fail you" *Hebrews 13:5 NIV
He is always with me, even when I think I am alone.
And I don't want to get up from this place 
This place here and now
where I am being held by the Almighty in a very tangible sense.
Papa and Daughter
Holding 
Speaking
Affirming
LOVE ... pure love experienced in the stillness.
He has spoken and this girl has heard.

Maybe you needed to hear this today - maybe you need to stop what you are working at and just be.
Stop.  Sit.  Rest.  Listen to what He has to say to you.  Because my friend - HE SPEAKS.  We just have to tune our ears to his voice!!
Blessings on your day,
With love,
j

hello old friend, its been a while

This statue is at Mission Hill Winery in Kelowna

It has been a while since I have blogged here.  In fact, its been a long while - just over six months of a while.  I have missed it.  I love to write.  But life has taken on a life of its own so to speak, and I have found that I have done little writing anywhere except my journals, which at times are haphazard in themselves.   But I am here today - while in the middle of a babysitting stint for my two youngest grandchildren, one is at preschool - one is at school, and I am finding myself here at my favourite old haunt with a large London Fog tea.  Ah ...  it feels good to be here for an hour or so, and to breathe.

When I realize that it has been half a year since I posted here, I can hardly believe it.  I guess all the posts I thought I wrote are just in my mind.  Yep - my mind.  Often swirling with thoughts that are impacted by deep emotions.  My mind full of feeling "on top of the world" and then "feeling messy" which actually feels like it is more messy than anything.

I know that messy is ok.  I have no doubt that #Godsgotthis .  I often look at my arm which wears a #Godsgotthis black band as a reminder that in the messiness of life - He is fully God and fully Sovereign and fully in control EVEN IN MY MESS.  And that's good, because He knows I make a really terrible job of trying to keep things under my control!!

To recap the last 6 months - since I wrote during the time that I was looking after my "grand dog" at the time because my husband was away doing work with Mennonite Disaster Service (MDS) in Texas for two weeks.  It was such a good experience for him.  I have to admit I was a little jealous of being left at home but I knew I could not go and expend the energy at working in the kitchen, when that is what I do all the time in a volunteer capacity for the ministry here.    Then we had our fundraising dinner - which was a great night and we thank God for those who came, and the donations that came in.  Its alot of work but we are always so glad to have done it.  The day after, I had taken a speaking engagement at a church women's night.  It was so nice to tell my story, and I thank God for those opportunities.  I have told him - if HE wants me to speak and provides the opportunity, I will follow in obedience.  In June Alvin went on his motorcycle trip.  Now to be clear, he would welcome me to come anytime - but I just don't think I could handle such a trip.  Having struggled with some hip and back issues, I need to pick my battles lol.  SO I bless him to go, but TBT I really would have loved to get away somewhere for 12 days as well.

We went into summer - knowing we had two summer students who would be helping us with the garden.  Thankful for that.  We could not do the garden without help.

Normally, the ministry pattern is such that June gets slower and winds down for about a month and a bit and then winds up again and goes into fall head on - full strength.  But summer was unusually constant and there was a three week period of back to back people.  That is great - but for this introvert - it means I have to be proactive at self-care.  And, I am not always on the ball in that department.

Suffice to say - in many ways - summer was one of my hardest in many ways.  And I went into fall struggling. Maybe that word sounds dramatic.  For a person to see me, you may never have known.  I am as good as most that I know, to wear a good facade.  To answer "good" when I am asked how I am.  Life becomes a bit like a game of making moves, anticipating how one will have an affect on the other.  Inside, I knew what I felt.  On the outside I did what I needed to.  And I plodded through the last week of August and first three weeks of September much like someone sloughing through quicksand.  You have the mental picture.

During that time, I took the advice of my son, to connect with a counsellor/therapist who does EMDR (an evidence-based therapy) for unresolved trauma or recent trauma.   Like Rebecca said - we all go through BIG T Trauma but we also go through small t - trauma ... meaning there are many things in life that add up even if we just cast them aside thinking it was no big deal.  Meeting and sitting with RD has been life giving.  She is a believer which I think is even more helpful when walking through some life stuff with a counsellor.  

The other thing that I have seen as key to some transformation is being able to spend hours with the LORD.  Sitting.  Talking.  Worshipping.  Praying.  Journalling conversation. Just "BE-ing"....  and I realized last Friday that I can "breathe" again.  

I had chatted with my doctor about how I was experiencing some anxiety as well.  I was not one to experience anxiety - but had my first episode back in 2008 after we lost our grandson, and I was being pushed into some emotional corners at work.  I will never forget that day - I thought my chest was going to blow up.   During August and early September, I began to notice that feeling again. It was not a good reunion believe me.  

I guess I just bring all this up, to say that summer and fall were hard.  I knew who my LORD was and my relationship with him was good.  But I was still dealing with some past trauma and it wasn't feeling good.  Things that were currently were compounded with things that I thought I had dealt with in the past ... and all in all, it was just plain hard.  HARD with a capital H.  I am thankful for a good husband, family, a couple good friends who prayed me through this time, a great personal trainer who has not give-up on me (yet! LOL), a wonderful massage therapist who I believe also prays over me,  as well as a good MD and therapist, and know I could not have walked through those weeks without any of them, and most of all without God.  Yes life is hard - but oh man, I can't imagine life without Jesus.  It. Would. Be. So. Much. Harder.

NOW after sharing all the above - I can only imagine that at least one of the people reading this will ask me via message "Joy are you okay?  what is happening?"  And I want to say - I really REALLY am good!  REALLY.   I have come to understand myself so much better in the last month or two, and I am thankful for how God is chiseling, and forming me into more of himself.  It doesn't always feel good - but let me tell you - the end product is going to be amazing!!  WHY?  Because that is what God does!!

So, as I sign off for now (which is a week after I started the top part of this post) - on the evening of then first day of October - I say - I am thankful.  For so much.  My family.  My friends.  My prayer warriors.  The ministry God has called me to....  So thankful.  Since this time last week, I have had the privilege and great joy of watching first of all Ash and Mike's kids for two nights, and then now, as I type, I have our oldest two grandchildren upstairs in beds - fast asleep - as Josh and Leah are away this week.  I am so thankful for these grandchildren of mine - extensions of me - and expressions of such love in smaller packages!  I thank God for this joy in my life.  

So again - today - October 1st. I say thank you Jesus - for your love, for your incredible grace to me, and for each day that I can grow - and love others.  

I am so grateful.  

Those are my ramblings,

(for all they are worth lol)

Love, 

j

PS.  So, this song is one of my favourites.  It is an old song - but I love the words.  It is a song of thankfulness - and I also would say it is MY tribute!!  To God be the glory!

A failed poop scooping attempt becomes my teachable moment

It is spring and I am so thankful.  I love spring.  And my thoughts often go back to when Alvin and I lived on the acreage in Anola and we farmed for a good portion of the years that we were out there.  What began as 1 calf (for our eventual beef consumption) grew to a cow/calf operation with (at our max) about 80 head of cows and calves.  (there should be a post about that believe me, as the spring of 96 was a BRUTAL spring for us, but I will save that one for another day, truth be told, it was the year we decided we had grown too big for a "side" job in farming!!)

Anyhow, back to SPRING.  I love it.  I love seeing the snow melt.  I love the puddles (for the most part).  I love the sound and return of geese (which I saw the other day).  I love seeing snowbanks turn into ditches full of water, and relish the day when I see a green tinge in the trees as the buds come on the branches that have been a dismal grey since fall winds shook them free of their leaves.

When we lived in Anola, the thing I loved was watching the baby calves run and kick up their heels in the beautiful spring weather.  Many of them were born mid February and knew the extreme cold, so they loved the sunshine.  Usually you could look out into the pasture and see little sleeping mounds beside their mama's.  Even animals love spring!

The reason I was taken back to our farming days is because I have laughed out loud - literally - during this past almost week of grand puppy sitting "Burly". 

Let me introduce you to my one and only "grand puppy".  I think he is about 7 months old (maybe 8) and he is an Australian Shepherd.  In many ways he reminds us of the dog we had in Anola.  Oreo was our good faithful companion.  He was a border collie and so helpful with the cattle.   

Burly is cute.  He wears a blue bandana which these days is getting tattered and usually wet from his adventures.  Yes.  He loves the adventure.  Since he has been here before for visits, and now he has been here for already 6 sleeps, I am giving him a little more freedom.  AND he loves to lay on the porch.  I let him run on his own for a while.  Other times I take him for a walk around the loop and our road.  In the beginning I wanted to make sure I was with him especially for the first and last outings of the day - just to make sure that I KNEW that he had pooped before night.  We would hate for there to be accidents in the house! 

On Thursday I took him out for a little walk.  Well - he was doing his spring thing.  He was off leash and let me tell you he was running and jumping like those little calves.  It was so fun to watch him just loving the freedom of the yard, and the good spring air, and snow and puddles.  (We have begun to wipe paws when he comes into the house, and he has been a good sport with this)  This Thursday afternoon we were both enjoying the warm sunshine.  It was the first day of spring!  The ditch that Alvin opened up along our side road had water in it.  Burly went up to his favourite spot to  - well you know what - and I stood there waiting.  NOW, if at all possible I try to you know, "scoop the poop" at the time (can not figure out people who just always plan on doing all the scooping at one time in spring? seriously "and why would you wait?"   ANYHOW I had a bag in my hand and I began to analyze the situation and wonder a) can I walk through the snow and scoop that b)it doesn't look too deep c) should I wait till more snow melts so it is easier 

I decided that it was a mere 15 or less steps, and yes, it wouldn't be too deep.  So off I went.

Well, I had forgotten that it does take a little bit of a dip before the ground goes upward.  (Just the way we landscaped after bringing in fill).   I figured I could do it.  I had my boots on.

So off I went - step step step step and it happened.  I went up to my thighs in sticky snow, with what felt like lots of water underneath!  My pants quickly felt wet and cold.  And I realized I could not get my legs out!!  I know, I know - that sounds dramatic!  I knew I was NOT going to drown lol but oh man between icy water and sticky snow I was at a miss as to how to actually get my legs out without totally getting soaked!  It had NOT looked like it would be such a problem!  It had looked very easy.  Very innocent.  Very well, "I will just go in, scoop and get back to my walk" ... WRONG.  This scoop attempt was a big fail! And I was wet up to my crotch to boot!  I was so thankful no one was there to see me floundering like a turtle on its back so to speak!   I did get out - wet, and intact but none the less out.   And since then I have been thinking of that little escapade, or my "conventure" as my littlest grandchild calls his adventures with Poppa and I.  

I have come to realize that this little mishap of an escapade was really a teachable moment for me. And it seemed like God has taken that TM and has shown me that there are many things in my life that are much similar to the failed attempt of scooping the poop.

If I am honest, and I look into this laughable story a little deeper, I think I see how it is a picture of some aspects of my life with the LORD.  Let me try to flesh that out a little - these are my thoughts:

In life,  I have described myself as "someone who loves to fly by the seat of my pants, enjoying the spontaneous freedom but also likes to have some ducks in a row at times, which can be a confusing mix for a person".    I think some of the most fun things come out of spontaneity don't you?  There is something freeing about a quick assessment and decision to just do something.  I often make those decisions on a daily basis.  Should I do this.  Should I go there.  Should I buy this.  Should I plan that.  We all make those.  Depending on our personalities - or what type we are on the enneagram (which I know plays into all this) means that some of us (me) may make these more often, or easier.

Most of the time, I likely make and carry out more decisions than I even take a mental note of.  We are literally making one decision after another from sun up till sun down.  I know that most of the decisions seem common sense vs having to pray or discern them.  Although even saying that, I want HIM to be part of all my thoughts/processes in my day.

I think what I also learned is that sometimes (like on Thursday) we may enter into something not even thinking much about it.  It looks innocent enough and then we get caught off guard.  If I think of my life, I realize that there have been many times God saved me from a really bad outcome.  

Oh boy - writing that immediately took me back to a night in grade 10 when we had come home from cheer leading at an out of town game.  It gives me chills to recall this, and I will not go into any details, but I made a spur of the moment decision. It was NOT made with any thought of bringing God into the process of the decision making.  In retrospect there was likely a couple reasons for that lack of inviting God into the decision 1) my immaturity in my faith 2) knowing that most likely God wouldn't want me to make the decision to do/go somewhere  3) I was a teen with teen thoughts which meant that I was old enough to have thoughts of my own, and young enough to still be naive about things that could happen.    ANYHOW that cold night I made a decision which I know without a shadow of a doubt God intervened in, and protected me from what could have been life changing.

It looked like just another normal teen evening.  It was not a stop and think, hard decision.  It seemed easy and innocent but was anything but.  Although I only saw that in hindsight.

note:  I am writing this and trying to pull all my thoughts together.  I feel like I am doing a verbal vomit on paper - not necessarily knowing what I am trying to say - but feeling like something has to be said.  Nor do I really get why Thursdays laughable incident brings me back all these years ago - to a grade 10 almost life changing/God protected incident and then back to today - where I am this almost 61 year old trying to make sense of what I want to say.

I think the bottom line is that we so easily make decisions day in day out - many many decisions without inviting God into them and maybe we just forget, or don't think it is important enough to warrant him getting involved - or whatever BUT if we really do believe that God is our Heavenly Father - our Papa/Abba- then as a child comes to his/her mom/dad to just talk, or ask questions then why wouldn't we?

Lately, I have been asking Him to be more involved in my life - fully - and so I should likely have more times when I am inviting him into my details of my day.  I should also have my eyes open to the things that look easy and innocent but are things that the enemy can use to distract or discourage or just to get one into trouble.  

I don't think I needed to ask God about walking to scoop it up.  That is not what I am saying.  But I am saying that out of all this - the laughable but cold teachable moment on Thursday - I think I am saying - I need to involve HIM more and more in my life, and to ask Him to give me his eyes to see the things that I need to do or not do.  Places to go or not go.  People to see or not see.  I need his eyes more and more in life - to make good decisions, so that in all things I can be salt, and light.  In all things I can be extensions of HIM for his honor and glory.  In all things that, even if I am up to my thighs in hard stuff, I can still be "Jesus with skin on".

I hope somewhere in all these thoughts, there is something that makes sense.  In this 60 year old heart - it does.  But sometimes thoughts and words on paper are two different things.

You can take it with a grain of salt if you wish!!

Grateful for teachable moments and dry clothes!!  Let me know some of your thoughts - I'm listening!

Yours,

  J