Do you think I'm beautiful?

Do you think I am beautiful?  This is a book, and a Bible study that is written by Angela Thomas.  I have decided to finally read the book, and do the study.  I need to.  This is a question that I wrestle with - lately, I am wrestling with it a lot.  

I have chosen to do this study as I realize I have once again been struggling with things in my life.  My weight.  My eating.  My self-worth.  It is all tied up together in a not so neat little ball of stuff.  Messy.  Ugly.  Unwanted stuff.

How do I unravel the big messy ball?  Or do I just try getting rid of it - by throwing it out - or pushing it back into a corner or a closet - hopefully never to resurface again.  Not likely.  I am not sticking my head in the sand.  I know that life is messy and that life is hard.  I just somehow thought I had perhaps moved past this stuff.  The stuff that makes me reflect and wonder and sometimes weep - but often feel paralyzed as if knowing the answers would free me to become more of me - or more of what I want to be.  Hmmm... LIFE.  Gotta love it.

My journey - a good journey but often a hard one.  My lettering on the wall into our private suite says “there is joy in the journey.”  As I am running the stairs some weeks as part of my work-out, I see the “there is joy in the journey” and smile through my sometimes gritted teeth lol.  My journal says Life is a journey not a destination.  I feel like I know all the things I need to know - I have all the answers - I have read the books - given the advice yada yada ... oh sigh **

This is a journey.  I knew it would not be an easy one.  Journeying with Jesus doesn’t mean life would be easy ... and well, why am I surprised.  I do believe however, that without HIM, I would be more of a mess than I am!  So with that, I am thankful for his grace and mercy and care in my life.  I know that He wants me whole and healthy - body soul, mind and spirit.  I know that the struggles in my life that affect my day to day - eating and weight issues - are intricately webbed within one another.  The spiritual - is the main part of me and one that is greatly affected by the other and also greatly affects the other.  When my life is right with the LORD, things fall into place. 

Sometimes I struggle and wonder why at this age of almost 57 (in two weeks) do I still struggle with the same old, same old??  Seriously??  WHY?

Hmmm... there is so much for me to learn, and I hope some of it I will have learned on this side of heaven in the years ahead.  I want to keep learning until the day God takes me home to be with Him.  

It is no secret - I am pretty open with this - that I have struggled with feeling beautiful.  I have a hard time being convinced of that.  I struggle with the good compliments.  I look in the mirror and see the flaws that are becoming more obvious as I age ..

I want women to see first and foremost how beautiful they are in the eyes of GOD (instead of wanting to feel beautiful in the eyes of their spouse/significant other/world) and yet I have been shown (and have come completely undone in the process) that THIS girl doesn’t truly believe it for myself.  Hmmm...  seems I have to learn the lessons before I can help others learn them.  O LORD help me ... please help me believe it for myself.

Did something happen in my past?  Did I feel “less than” ... did someone hurt or offend me?  Was I made to feel ugly?  REALLY ... whether I say yes or no - does it matter?  In the long run - does it really matter if I can put my finger on something - as if making me see when and why would help me get on with life now and begin to feel beautiful?  Would blaming something or someone make me feel like I can start believing and stop listening to the lies that echo in my head alot?

Perhaps I haven’t really come to know who I am because I have been scared to try to figure that out for whatever reason?  I haven’t known the heart of the woman inside of me.  I really want that to change.  I want to change.  I want to believe that I AM truly beautiful in God’s eyes and that is all that matters... regardless of how often or how my husband affirms my beauty (or not).  It is only a bonus coming from him, because all that really matters is that I know that HE loves me most, and intimately, and thinks I am absolutely beautiful!  

I want that.  I want to believe it.

I want to put an end to the lies I have believed all my life.

The self doubt.  The self condemnation.  The  put downs.

Because it is just that - lies!!  Lies that satan, the deceiver want me to believe so that I stay insignificant and feeling useless and like a failure and that my self-worth stays low.

I want to be a strong woman - an overcomer, a strong believer - and I know it is the Lord who will help me through this - so that I can become not only a woman who believes I am beautiful in HIS eyes - regardless of the rest of the world around me - but also become a woman who is courageous and alive!!  It is in Him that I see how beautiful and how much worth I have.  

YES ...  this is what I want.

O Lord - my love, my life ... my strength.

Please help me as I get to know my heart and how it is so enveloped by yours.

I want to feel beautiful.  I want to believe it all the time - with all my heart, and I can only do it in your strength.  Please LORD.  I need you.

Amen

"She" writes

I have begun meeting with a few others (mostly women, one man) to sit under the teaching of a new friend of mine, as she leads a class on Prophetic word.  Today was the second time I trekked out to my old stomping grounds of Steinbach.  Alvin and I used to love taking the kids there for our weekend outings.  Never did I imagine I would be meeting in a little house on Barkman, with a few others - spending time learning and listening and praying.  It is so very sweet.  Today as I sat in front of my fireplace, I realized I needed to do some homework.  Here it is - perhaps you would like to read it.  Pour yourself a cup of coffee - maybe you also could respond to the same question below!  May God be glorified.

The purple is all Scripture - may God add a blessing to the reading of His word that is interspersed throughout this writing.

------------

My response to what is the “Kingdom of God” - what does it look like for me, my family, my community, my country, my world?

Then Jesus asked, What is the kingdom of God like, what shall I compare it to? Luke 13:18

A little girl sits in a circle with other children
intently listening to the head leader talk about heaven
and how Jesus died for her sins
and even though she is only 7 she knows what she must do her mom and her kneel by the side of her bed
and she asks Jesus to forgive her and be her Saviour

“Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.” Luke 18:16 “Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.” Luke 18:17 “Very truly I tell you, no one can see the kingdom of God unless they are born again.” John 3:3

The wind on that Sunday afternoon was strong, making the waves of Lake Winnipeg high and rolling.
The little girl enters the waters with the elder
Knowing that this day truly is a definable moment in her 11 year old life
“Yes I believe Jesus is the Son of God and my personal Saviour”
“Upon confession of your faith I baptize you in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.”
the kingdom of God ...

John answered them all, "I baptize you with water. But one who is more powerful than I will come, the straps of whose sandals I am not worthy to untie. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire. Luke 3:16

She is often confused by the emotions she feels for her brother.
She wonders where he is ~
but at the same time realizes how incredibly hard it is to relate to him and feels a relief of sorts
He only joined their family when he was almost 9 and had been through so much hard stuff
abandoned by the biological family he knew

put into foster care where he was often beat up
and then placed into an adoptive family that wanted to love him
however he just couldn’t seem to trust anyone
She knows that he gave his heart to Jesus when he was young
but as he told her - he has a three headed dragon that controls his thoughts, his actions, his coming and going
the addictions to many things are consuming and ruthless
he carries around his possessions in an old backpack
in there is his first Bible, an old King James version
The three headed dragon roars often -
it has devoured the relationship he had with his wife, and daughters and son
it has ruined marriage, and jobs
and he often has to find refuge under a bridge or when he is lucky he joins the family at Siloam mission.
In the clear moments he knows that Jesus wants all of him, not just the little piece that somehow is still there
He feels the love of Jesus
but somehow continues to give into the licking tongues of the dragon
In his clarity he longs for renewed fellowship with Jesus and the peace and joy that used to be his.

For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. Romans 14:17

She sits in the congregation that is her home church
A congregation that she loves
A congregation that she serves within and out of
She has noticed such a very tangible change in the pastor’s passion over the last couple years.
The pastor speaks with boldness and authority that is uncharacteristic of some of the pastors before him.
The Holy Spirit gives him the boldness.
People sit forward in their seats to listen.
The people who are there for the first time, just checking out the church in the neighborhood - hear the message about Jesus - his death, his resurrection, and the reality of living with Jesus as Lord of your life.
The pastor invites people to give their lives to the LORD
People make decisions for Jesus - and there is a celebration in the heaven lies!

“He proclaimed the kingdom of God and taught about the Lord Jesus Christ - with all boldness and without hindrance” Acts 28:31

She walks from her breakfast meeting and gets in her car.
Driving out of the restaurant parking lot, she sees a young couple -
with a toddler in arms, and at least 10 bags of dollarama stuff.
They have put them down on the road, to rearrange and get a better hold of them

She drives past, and then stops and gets out of the car. Hey - can I give you a ride?
“We just live a block away - its okay.
No really - if it would be helpful - I am willing.
He jumps in with the bags and bags of stuff
And she walks home with the toddler since there is no car seat and its a nice day anyhow.
Some conversation.
Some connecting points
The young mom meets them at the car once they are home and with big smiles both of them say thank you for your kindness

She looks ahead and sees the guy standing huddled in the middle of the blvd Not sure if she will get a red light and stop or not
she rifles through her purse to find some money in case
Yes
a red light
but being a few cars back
she winds down her window and puts out her hand, and he comes
His eyes meet hers and as he says thank you ma’am - God bless you she comes undone with emotion
and there is no doubt that he senses it and sees the tears in her eyes unexplainable other than a sense of the presence of God in that moment

The missionary had jumped out of the van when she noticed something
and talked to the person in Thai
Returning to the vehicle the missionary says, we need a few of you to come and pray for healing for this person
She knew that she needed to be one of those who huddled and prayed for this man’s healing
They did that a few times
Huddles and prayer were a constant during their time of mission work in Thailand She learned so much about believing prayer, about the gift of faith, about healing, about the Holy Spirit at work

young couples, street people
prodigal brothers and curbside prayer huddles the Kingdom of God

For the kingdom of God is not a matter of talk but of power 1 Corinthians 4:20 And he sent them out to proclaim the kingdom of God and to heal the sick. Luke 9:2
Heal the sick who are there and tell them the kingdom of God has come near to you. Luke 10:9

Her depression is long
Then her mom dies
and a year later - her dad
She walks through some tough medical stuff which includes a near death situation Thankfully her sister heeded God’s voice and ran to the hospital room when she did Healing
Surgery
more healing
now She is excited about her first grandson to arrive
something unexpected goes horribly wrong as his heart stops before he enters the world
she and her husband and the other grandparents huddle and petition God
but he chooses to take their firstborn grandchild to heaven
her heart shatters into a million little pieces
and she struggles with the faithfulness of God in her life.
It is the dark night of the soul
It is a time of lament
of wrestling
of remembering the faithfulness of God in the past to her grandparents, and her parents and to her and her family
and in the midst of brokenness and extreme sorrow
she knows God is still Sovereign, faithful, loving, good and fully in control

Strengthening the disciples and encouraging them to remain true to the faith “we must go through many hardships to enter the kingdom of God.” they said. Acts 14:22
All this is evidence that God’s judgment is right, and as a result you will be counted worthy of the kingdom of God, for which you are suffering. 2 Thessalonians 1:5

She heard him speak
not once but over and over
she shared with her husband and family
and they believed what God was saying to her was true and for them too
She left her career, to enter another one that was really unknown territory
They sell all that they own - land, farm, house
And invest every single thing - financially, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually into following God on what some people think is a whim
but they know otherwise
with full assurance
with full confidence
with full investment
that God does not call you to something and hang you out to dry.
And the blessing and the fingerprints of God all over their lives as a family - has totally kept them in awe at the greatness of their God

He is at work without a doubt
He is fulfilling His plan and his promises The kingdom of God

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well. Matthew 6:33 “nor will people say, Here it is, or there it is, because the kingdom of God is in your midst!!” Luke 17:21

She talks with her husband and her kids
She smiles as she watches her grandchildren act out Jesus resurrection
Granny, can we play Jesus?
She ponders the things in her heart
She knows her story is uniquely hers and yet also knows we each have a story
Their life has been deeply etched and changed by the times of hard things, and grief And living in this world but being set apart is often really really hard
however it is all for a greater purpose - for the Kingdom of God
And she and her husband and kids know without a doubt that the best is yet to come.

When one of those at the table with him heard this, he said to Jesus, Blessed is the one who will eat at the feat in the kingdom of God.” Luke 14:15
Truly I tell you, I will not drink again from the fruit of the vine until that day when I drink it new in the kingdom of God. Mark 14:25

Written by Joy Klassen for the Introduction of the Prophetic class, April 20, 2015 This is written from my own personal experience - I am the “she” I write about. 

Beautiful or average??

The other day, Saturday to be exact, there was an article in the Winnipeg Free Press, written by Jen Zoratti and it was titled "Beautiful or Average? How about neither?"

The article talked about the question that Dove is asking in its latest campaign called "Choose Beautiful".  In the video - women from a few different places of the world were asked to walk through a door.  One was labelled "Beautiful" and one was labelled "Average".  I won't spoil the video campaign for you - you will have to google and watch it yourself.  However Jen in her article said "the video clip serves to reiterate a few things.  One, that impossible beauty standards upheld by the media have made us all feel woefully inadequate.  Two, that beautiful comes in many forms.  three, that being beautiful is still the most important thing a woman can be."

I have to say that the title itself caught my eye, and I read the article.  This whole concept - or thought - or quest for worth speaks deeply into the deep places of my heart.  You see - I struggled with the whole beautiful thing.  I just didn't know it.  Ya, seems strange I know.

I likely blogged about this before - but here I go again - just a little.  When God sidelined me in an amazing pastoral position in what was then my home church of 30+ years, I could not figure out why He called me (yes, very specifically called me out) of the field of Early Childhood Ed, and then I followed a very specific call IN to pastoral ministry but I kept asking God why?  He made it clear I needed to follow him on this - and I did out of obedience.  It was just a little bit into the ministry there that I realized why I believe that God had me there for 7.5 years.  He needed me to see how many women did not see themselves as beautiful in the eyes of God and looked everywhere - to everyone or everything for affirmation on their beauty and ultimately their worth.  This was not an age specific "aha" ... I heard it in the voice of a 70+ woman who wept as she talked about a loveless marriage.... to seeing it on the faces of young girls who were just beginning to feel the early twinges of love!  I realized that women are so incredibly made - by our most loving God - but we just don't see our worth.

I knew that was part of why God called me to the ministry of Women Refreshed at the Well.  However, it was a while later when while I was studying under Dr. Larry Crabb - I realized that I was like the rest - and did not see my worth.  It is a much longer story, that if I were to tell you face to face, I would be choking back tears.  You see ... I knew I was loved for sure by my dad and my husband (two of the main men in my life) however I struggled with my worth - with my beauty - and when it came as a revelation - I was totally undone in the moment and hours after.  God did such an incredible work in my heart, in my life, and continues to affirm his love for me and his absolutely delight in me as a beautiful woman of God!!

You see, beauty is in the eyes of the beholder however my "beholder" is the LORD JESUS CHRIST and as Dr. Crabb said to the women in our class - "Look to the LORD for your worth - for your beauty - and if you have husbands that affirm you in this - that is the  bonus!!"   Somehow that day that God spoke into the core of my being - He made me realize that He has created me unique and wonderfully made - and beautiful.  And in His eyes - there is no such thing as average!!
And the really cool thing is - I believe it.    With His help - this is part of my prayer here within the ministry as well - that women would seek HIM first for all they need - before looking for the affirmation/acknowledgement of the world, their significant others/their jobs etc.

Yes its hard.  Especially when for instance, you may (like me) struggle with some weight issues, or lack of confidence, or can't help but check out all the magazines to see what the world thinks women should look like/be/do/act/ etc.

Psalm 139 is my favourite Psalm and one that I read and recite parts of often.  He has created me to be fearfully and wonderfully made - and oh boy, does HE ever love me - and you.
You are not average sweet ONE - you are absolutely beautiful in the eyes of YOUR beholder - Jesus.
And that is more than enough for this gal!!

The morning we left our course -
Dr. Crabb (Larry) wrote this on the back of my name tag.
This is my reminder !

for today LORD ...

The Gospel According to Matthew - in which Bruce Marchiano is the one that portrays Jesus
is by far my most loved "Jesus" film.
He also wrote a book - everyone should read - In the Footsteps of Jesus.  Amazing book
I love that he portrays a Jesus who I think Jesus IS ... he laughs with us, cries with us, celebrates with us.
His hair blows in the wind!!  (unlike some other movies where Jesus is stern, stiff and not at all personable   Really??
This is the Jesus I look forward to seeing face to face one day!!

Today I have already met with my LORD and need to now be getting at some of the stuff of the day.  But before I begin, this is the prayer that I have written in my journal.

For today LORD ...

O LORD for today ~
May I see You around me ~
          please take my breath away :)
May I hear You ~
          please remove distractions and noise
May I love You more ~
          YOU are the great lover of my soul
May I grow to be more like YOU ~
          Saviour, God, Redeemer, Friend.

Oh how I love you!!  My LORD and My GOD!!
Amen.

raw emOtions

I have nothing to be downcast about, I have enjoyed holiday time in the sun.  Way more holiday time than I deserve!! LOL  But I am finding that today, my emotions are raw.
What does that mean exactly?
For me that means journalling, weeping and crying out to God.
It means that things are flooding over my soul - again and again, causing the pain and the heartbreak to crash over like waves crashing over a reef.
My memories from Hawaii bring to mind watching the huge breakers roar, especially during the night, the sound was very distinct and at first it was almost deafening until we realized what it was.

One wave - crashes and breaks
Before it is completely gone another one comes after it.

Such is my being today.
Once again, wave after wave of sorrow and grief washes over it.

**Unfortunately I am very aware that there are those who may thing and or say "oh boy, she is so depressed STILL"  "the girl needs counselling"  "oh man, she is not THROUGH it yet"
Yes, I have heard this all, sorry to say.  I have come to see that being authentic sometimes isn't the best!  And I know that sometimes those words come from the mouths of people 
who never really venture into our journey, but instead are on the periphery and thinking or unfortunately speaking those things out loud.
yes ... the proverbial grapevine is actually something that takes on a life of its own!!

ANYHOW that being said - I am choosing to write today.
Choosing to write about the tears, and the grief.
Choosing to write about the breakers crashing over and over again.
Choosing to write about raw emOtions ...
which are really just that
RAW

This week I have heard about and prayed for babies.
In one case twins - who are literally struggling for their lives.
One is with Jesus now.
The other still in hospital.
Parents broken.
Grandparents broken.
So many thoughts I am sure.

With the other baby, I got to touch and pray for and enjoy the sweet gurgles
and baby smiles.
She was called a miracle baby and then I heard that she was born flat.
FLAT ...
no heart beat.
But minutes later - beating.
We rejoiced.  We thanked God, and rightly so!
But in that, within the literally seconds of hearing the phrase "she was born flat"
my heart remembered like it was yesterday
the sights
the sounds
the surroundings
the literal cries of our hearts -
we poured out our hearts to God
POURED THEM OUT ...
the four of us grandparents
PLEADING with Him

Our grandson born flat
And his heart, even after 15 minutes of the work of the team of doctors and nurses
And there was no heartbeat.
He was already with Jesus
and it was obvious then ... Jesus was keeping our little Jay.

All of this, in the midst of prayers of rejoicing
and thanksgiving
and praise
and dedication
It all came back
so tangibly that I could hardly breathe
almost 7 years later
the emotions were so raw
it felt like yesterday

I still can't say thank you
but I can say "God  you are at work, and there is beauty you are making out of the ashes"

I have come to realize that we walk through the depths of despair, and we are changed by the depths.
If we are not changed, then it is all for not.
I know that everything in my life - even the hardest grief of losing my grandson - was permitted by my LORD and GOD who love me with the greatest love ever - Love that I can never truly comprehend.
I know that even though He permits it - I am sure His heart breaks with mine.
HE knows pain - He watched His Son go to the cross for our sin - and God's pain must have been so great - go figure - He covered the world in darkness when Jesus was dying.
I am always taken aback at Jesus words "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me"

Jesus said those words KNOWING He had to go to the cross.
He still felt forsaken.
JESUS FELT FORSAKEN
Guess its okay to have felt that way too.

I read today, in 31 Days of Praise by Ruth Meyer, on Day 11 (since it is March 11) the following which spoke to me, and where I am at today.
"... all my past circumstances were permitted by You to make me see my need of You and prepare my heart for Your Word - to draw me to Yourself, and to work out Your good purpose for my life.  I rejoice that You are the Blessed Controller of all things - You are now, You will be throughout the future, and You always were.  All my days had Your touch of love and wisdom, whether or not I can yet fully see it.
     And Lord, I choose to look beyond my past and present roubles in this life - this temporary life - and fix my eyes on the unseen things that will last forever.  I parse you for the eternal glory these things are piling up for me as I choose to trust You."  Page 64

I realize that the emotions ARE RAW .  Real Real REAL RAW.
I also realize that He continues to be Sovereign and I can choose to let Him use me for His glory -
to weep with those who weep and mourn with those who mourn
to walk alongside of those who are going through similar things
and to pray.

So today - in the midst of these raw emOtions ...
I am choosing to think, to cry out and to pray
O Lord, use the emotions, use me
for your honour and glory.
Until I am home with you - knowing full well that the best is yet to come!!

I am going to end with sharing a note that I got, written to us from a sweet one who retreated in RESTORE and wrote in the book there "Josh & Leah, Joy and your husband - may your painful loss of Jay Benjamin continue to be a testimony of God bringing beauty from the ashes.  God bless you for this beautiful dream turned into reality.  God bless you and enlarge your territory.  One day, one day - we ill be reunited with those we never got to share life with."

yes - as I said ... The best is yet to come!!

just counting my blessings .... to the tune that old song running through my heart.

"count your many blessings name them one by one"

this is the first line from an old familiar song that was running through my heart 

husband

kids 

grandkids

sisters and brothers

neices and nephews

friends

many

many

friends:

new

old

close

acquaintances past and present

church

relationships

responsibilities

pastors

life group

ministry

blessings galore

house

yard

flowers

seasons that flood my senses

colors

sounds

sunrises and sunsets

bluejays

chickadees

(birdseed everywhere, for which the mice are thankful I'm sure!)

food in fridge

food in belly

bread for each day - literally

and bold fresh coffee

great hair stylist

and good hair dye LOL

texts from kids

emails from family

phone calls

and occasional snailmail

exercise

eating right

feeling better

and losing weight 

a legacy of faith

history of faithfulness

to grandparents

to parents

to us 

and our kids

my Bible 

GOD'S WORD

sharper than a two edged sword

God's greatness

HIS absolute best for us

in the form of JESUS

Saviour

Redeemer

Almighty

Creator

LORD

Way 

Truth

Rock

LOVER OF MY SOUL

O Jesus - how I love you!

happy times

tears

memories

dreams

visions

prophetic word

laying down ... picking up

Jesus- my everything

my ALL

oh, how I am blessed

this list is no exhaustive - just a few thoughts 

from the heart of a blessed woman

yep, that's ME.

"Count your many blessings, see what God has done!!"

(last line of the same old song)

"done in" through Mission Fest 2015

Okay - so I think that perhaps some of you may think - okay, she says she is "done in" by Mission Fest, that can't be good!!  Usually when we say we are "done in" it has a negative connotation.  NOT IN THE LEAST ... please read on.

This is the first year that we have done Mission Fest.  I did it at the encouragement of our board of directors for our ministry Women Refreshed at the Well www.womenrefreshed.com
They actually encouraged me for last year, but I already had bookings for that weekend.  So it was, after talking to my sweet friend Meggie, I decided to see if I could still sign up.  This was in November.  As I was so late I was not sure I would even get a table.  BUT I did.

I went to work with Regehr's Printing www.regehrs.com and Dave designed a beautiful banner and a table cloth.  I got it on Thursday, and put together a few things for the table, and on Friday my daughter and granddaughter picked me up and off we went.  First stop STARBUCKS (lol) and then second stop was freshcutdowntown.com for a beautiful arrangement for our table (designed by Melanie Bernadsky herself - go and buy from them!!) and then we made it to Church of the Rock to set up.

Matilda gets to spend a little time with Mommy's iPad

Our table - new banner and table cloth, and flowers by FreshCut Downton, Melanie!!

Matilda loved the wide open space :)

Mission Fest began with the prayer time in the afternoon for exhibitors.  I had no idea what I was getting into.  I had promoted Mission Fest during the years of being a pastor, but sorry to say, I had never attended myself, just got the feedback from others (and always wanted to go next year!)

Oh my goodness.  Only God knew what He was going to do in me over the course of that weekend.
I met people that I hope will be a part of my life in the future (thanks Nichole, I already feel like you are a friend).  I got to work side by side with my daughter Ashley (I am so thankful for her that weekend, as I was pushed out of my element lol)  I got to see other ministries, to renew friendships, not to mention being interviewed by Amy Davey from chvnradio.com live at 6 pm.

Going on air live made me a little nervous.  I texted my kids and Alvin and asked them to pray.  Leah mentioned that Everett had also prayed for Granny.  Later when the kids showed up with the boys, I said thank you to Everett for praying for me, with eyes big as saucers he said "Granny, how did you know that!!"

The days were long - we left both nights after 10.  Mornings came early.  But my heart - O MY HEART!!  I don't think I could count the number of times, I was near tears, or perhaps shedding them.  The speakers were good - but a couple really moved me.  Pastor P.G. Vargis was one of them.
The other one was Danny MacKay from iamsecond.com

God puts new friends into our family of God!  It was great to finally meet Danny and his wife Naomi.
Danny, my daughter Ashley, me and Naomi

I knew that my son had connected with Danny, and that he had a moving testimony and ministry. Josh had asked me to say hi to Danny for him.  Little did I know how moved I would be through his testimony and challenge to the youth and "young at heart" that morning.   He talked about the "Miracle Question" or a way to move into the life of someone you just meet.  "Hey, I believe God answers prayer, how can I pray for you?"  "If God could grant a miracle in your life - what would it be?"   I think the statistic he came about 98% of North Americans don't share their faith.  WHY ?  Top two reasons are 1) they don't know how, and too nervous as a result  and 2) they don't know what to share (which underlies the reason why we should equip and build disciples to share their faith).  Danny said "YOU HAVE A MINISTRY"  "If you are a follower of Jesus Christ - You Have A Ministry!"  "And, being a follower of Jesus, you have a message - a message of reconciliation."  Yes, Church does "come and see" well, but Jesus also says "Go and Tell."


Now I will admit, nothing Danny said was new to me per say.  HOWEVER it struck some new cords in me.  I know without a doubt, I heard God's call - specific call to ministry, that being Women Refreshed at the Well.  We believed so strongly in it, we invested our time (almost night and day) for two years of building, our emotions, our mental health, our physical beings (especially Alvin and the boys while they did the manual build) and our finances.  And, to boot, after all that, we made the conscious decision to have our private suite in the basement of the house we own, and built of ministry.  (seriously, I am not looking for a pat on the back, but I constantly stand in awe at what my husband has done for this ministry that God called me too first, and then him.)  I do not know any other man living or dead that would have done this!!  I am so thankful for him - daily.

So I know we are called to ministry, and yet what Danny said, made the call deeper - and fuller.

That afternoon, while the worship leader was speaking/praying she said "I pray life over all our ministries."  That was when I felt it - I took my journal and here is what I wrote:  "Worship leader - speaking/praying "life" over all our ministries - this very tangible warm "sparkling" zing in my body - O LORD, YOU are up to something !!  LORD - I stand in awe/waiting/expecting!!  This life you've given me - takes may breath away!"

The rest of Mission Fest was great - we connected with people.  Sunday morning I made my way there alone, to be there to man the table (or is it woman the table lol) during COTR two services.  Someone came up to me - she was very quiet - and her son was alongside.  We talked, she entered the draw.  Then God did it ... "Joy offer her a retreat - no strings attached - free/no charge."  God does this, actually has done this a few times where I know I have to offer it.  She shared a bit about her life - single parent, two jobs, two sons.  Never once did she say it in a complaining voice.  She shared how she really would love to come.  I looked at her and made the offer God urged me to give.
Our eyes locked, and hers filled up with tears.  Nothing exchanged but I knew it was a holy moment that was truly God ordained.  (one of many that weekend).  I asked her if I could pray for her - we hugged and I prayed, while my voice was close to her ear.  God gave me the words through my tears."

God at work - God on the move.  Oh my, He continues to do more than I could ever imagine!  I realize that a few things have happened since the new year, one of the things being that I keep asking Him "Please LORD I want more of you - please - MORE" and He continues to show me that all He wants is a willing heart!!

I am thankful that God continues to take my breath away.  I don't think I have ever been in a more exciting and wonderful time of life, with my husband and family praying/loving/supporting and feeling like we only see the tip of something that is much bigger!! ONLY.  GOD.  That continues to be my mantra.  ONLY GOD!!

Mission Fest 2015 - you did me in!!  I can hardly wait for next year too!!