Vows to My Own Dear Heart - "given" to my daughter on the 26th of Sept.

 

This picture was a screen shot - which has the extra's in and I can't take out lol 

But we were wearing matching dresses <3

The story behind this poem is that as part of my soul care course, I had to (two years ago) write “vows to my own dear heart” as  Cathy Hardy encouraged us to write what we felt, and what we saw as our hearts carried so much and what would we say to our own dear hearts.

I wanted to rewrite a new one, a new “Vow to My Own Dear Heart”.  So I did, on September 3rd as I was at the lake.  

On Monday,  God made it clear I needed to write it out and give it to my daughter yesterday, September 26th.  So I did.   

I told her this:  

“As you read it, it is as if you are speaking to your heart - to the core of your being as you see yourself and how God is with you.  But I also feel like it is like my seeing you - seeing you as my strong tower of strength daughter - how I described you on Sunday as God gave me that picture of you as I saw you across the room.”    (this was during worship last Sunday, and as I looked at my daughter, I saw her I believe, through the eyes of God.  She looked like a strong tower, safe, grounded, secure, on the top of rocks.  The ocean was beating the rocks with one crashing wave after another.  And she, the tower, stood.  This was for me, her mom, a beautiful image as I looked at her in worship.  A momma’s heart is always for her kids, but it seemed that it was a reminder that Jesus heart is always for his kids too!!  

So here it is - the poem that I wrote for me, for my heart originally, but was told to send to her yesterday, to be spoken to Ashley's own dear heart,  from her Mom who watches, sees, encourages, loves and prays for her, with an extra dose yesterday, Sept. 26th.  

Vow to My own dear Heart

Hey there beautiful - beloved one, daughter of the King

I see you

Your heartbeat is strong

It’s rhythm is steady

You’ve weathered a storm 

and you have come out slightly tattered 

and torn but whole

You are courageous dear one

You’ve encountered the grief sprung upon you

and the waves of sadness 

and anger

and  just plain shock!

As you were blown into bits 

yet still pumping

Trying to keep it together

trying to feel more than just numb

Seeing chards around you

but determined you would not die

But you would come together

with the same heart beat, but stronger

more aware

and even more deliberate and intentional

To take care of yourself

amidst the broken pieces

shrapnel

and stench of betrayal

You.  Are.  Strong.

Your Maker has brought your pieces back together

to make you whole

He’s given you increased determination

stamina

wisdom 

and love

Take courage dear heart!

You are so loved!

You are so needed!

I will cherish you 

and protect you

Because I need you.

To my "Baby Brother" Tim ~ on a milestone birthday

This is now 2 days after my baby brother's birthday - and it was my full intent to write this post in time for his birthday - however with coming home from camp, it did not happen.  NOT TO SAY I didn't send a singing message and birthday wishes, because I did Sunday, August 20th - the day Tim turned 60!

How can it be that there is so much in my heart, and yet I have trouble putting it down on paper.  And why is it that as I type, there are tears rolling down my face?  Guess I love this guy - the guy who took my place as the baby in the family.   Not that he had a choice!!  But we sure did as a family, and I thank God that HE brought Tim to us.

I won't forget when I met him.  In my memory, he was rosy cheeked, bowlegged and chubby.  Is that okay to say these days?  He was so darn cute - that everyone easily fell in love with him!  He came into our family - "chosen" by God for us, when he was 1 year old.  The story my mom told me was that Tim's bio mom and dad wanted to keep him, and his maternal grandmother helped for that first year, but time proved that trying to go to school and be a teen mom was not the best option for this sweet boy.  The story I was told was that they encouraged the teen parents to give Tim a chance at life.  And I have to say that I am so glad they did, because he became my baby brother.  I was 5 years older, and yes, he usurped me from my position as baby, but having a little baby in the house for real - was worth losing my role!! 

There are many memories I have, and have often talked about.  But the memories that I am holding the closest today, happened this summer when he came for a visit.  I have to say that when Tim and Jo, and Amanda and Dan come into the city (what used to be their home) ~ they usually stay with Alvin and I here, and we try to be a "home away from home" for them.   Hands down they are the easiest "retreaters" I have ever had, and try as I might to always serve a full breakfast, sometimes he flat out says "No, just coffee!!"  Or toast, or maybe a bowl of Capt'n Crunch which is another thing that takes me back to our childhood.  

It was so good to be together 

There was so lively Dutch Blitz card playing and maybe a little cheating!

Needless to say, we put the bench to the test and it was good as someone had to take the picture!!

The woman who captured my brother's heart, and ours as well.

They were great hosts and we enjoyed our time together in Kelowna
July, 2022

Last year, my two sisters and I conspired with Jody - it was her idea - to surprise Tim for a sister visit with him.  You know, it does something pretty amazing to my heart, when I hear him tell me how much he loves his sisters!  He is not just a brother saying that - I know he really means it.  So last year, unbeknownst to him, when he was picking me up for a short visit on my way to Abbotsford (he thought) we surprised him with the three of us!  It was priceless.  We stayed long enough to be treated to some amazing Thomas Hospitality by the Kelowna fam.  We stayed long enough to remember why we love them so much, and well, long enough to maybe do some sister spoiling.

This past June, I knew he was coming into town once again, for a sister visit.  Yes, he visits others for sure, but we feel pretty special to know he wants to spend time with each of us sisters.   This year when Tim came, I was in a pretty tender emotional spot as our family was going through some hard things that were still being kept pretty close, but I was given permission to tell my brother that my daughter's marriage had ended.  I sat at the table with him and shared my broken heart.  And my brother listened.  And when he talked, I knew it was with love, a broken heart with us, and concern.  I could hear it in his voice and see it in the way he looked at me.  

You know if there is one way that I see my mum in my brother - it is in the way he keeps confidence and he does NOT gossip.  I have seen this time and time again, and he always reminds me of Mum.  It is actually quite a beautiful thing in this day and age when everyone seems to be in it for themselves, and kindness does not always trump things ... but I see integrity and kindness in my brother, who like I said, is like Mum.  If she was alive today, I know Mum would be so so so proud of Tim.  (we all knew that he was her favourite!)

Tim told me he wanted to spend some time with just me, and so he and I drove out to the cemetery.  I didn't ask him why he chose to go there, and why he chose to go there as our time together, but it was very special.  I picked out flowers, 18 white roses, and he insisted on paying for them... Mum loved roses in life.  When she lost her eyesight, she told my mother in law once that she could still smell them and remember their beauty.  We drove out to the Balsam Bay cemetery, placed the flowers, walked around the cemetery looking at headstones (many of which are relatives) and then returned to the foot of Mum and Dad's grave.  We stood there quietly, with our arms around each other - brother and sister.  Baby brother and older sister.  Kids of an amazing couple of parents whom God chose to take "home" when Tim and I were far too young....  I was almost 37 and Tim was not yet 32.  And then Dad went "home" very unexpected the next year.

Losing our parents meant we needed to count on each other more - and perhaps we have done it better some years than others.  But I would venture to say that family is what we all hold dear and in high esteem. We are all different - but we are all the same in that we were loved and raised by two people who loved Jesus, loved each other, and loved us kids.  We were all taught the same values.  

So back to my baby brother ... the morning he left was tough.  Tim tries to keep things in check (emotions) lol but I think this sister perhaps pushed it as I cried when he gave me a hug.  You see, this visit was different in that I had him here, and time with him and conversation that we were able to have - open, honest, heartfelt - the two of us.  Alvin knows that for me, time with Tim is really a gift, and so Alvin provides that space for Tim and I to talk, just the two of us.  That morning, I did not want to say good-bye as I knew I had shared a piece of my heart, and my brother was there to hold it.

But he had to go ... and so we hugged one last time ... and I cried and waved good-bye feeling like a little kid who was saying good-bye to their parent.   He is not the first sibling to share my tears, but this time - the timing of his visit was good, and felt right, and I felt embraced and comforted by my baby brother, who all of a sudden felt like a BIG BROTHER.  

I waved good bye and watched till he left, and then came into the quietness of our house, and cried some more tears.  I felt like God gave me a gift once again - and I tucked that away and will ponder it in my heart over and over again.

A couple days later, when I wandered up into the room he had stayed in, I found a note and something left behind and I cried once again and then lovingly taped the note into my journal.

My baby brother "Timmy" as we all called him (and still do once in a while) has taken on the role of a big brother.  I realized you do not have to be older, to be a big brother.   

Don't get me wrong - this brother of mine sometimes made me mad.  Like the time I looked for my "star" jeans only to find that he was wearing them ... or other times when I felt like I had to try to cover up the trouble he had gotten into (only to realize that other people tattled on him, so I didn't have to keep any secrets long!). But the things that have blessed me, especially since we have become adults - far outweigh the crazy things of growing up.  Being adults, and being blessed with a relationship with a brother who I love, and who loves me - is the best gift of all.

And Sunday - he turned 60.  My baby brother has just entered closer to the silver years!  I have a feeling however, that nothing much will change for him - he will still embrace his family, his extended family with great love - he will still walk as a man of integrity - he will still make his wife crazy at times and his daughter laugh at some crazy antics - and he will get older and better with age - like a fine wine!

As the fires in Kelowna have been raging over this past week, I have thought of and prayed often for Tim and Jo, Amanda and Dan, and have realized that I wish they were just on the other side of the river again, close by you know.  I miss them - we all miss them.  But I guess that is what makes the visits that much more precious.

Next time I see him, Lord willing this Christmas when they are hoping to come, I will get to hug this 60 year old brother.  I may not cry on his shoulder, but I do always know he carries a piece of this sister's heart, and I carry his.  That is what family is for right?

So on this birthday big baby brother - Timothy Gerald - it is my prayer that you will have an amazing year ahead - that you will feel celebrated and loved and special.  It is my prayer that you will experience the goodness of God in ways that surprise you, and that you will always remember and recall His faithfulness to us as a family, and to you and yours.  It is my prayer that you will always walk in integrity, and that you will experience strength of body, soul, mind and spirit as you age.  And it is my prayer that you will always know the love of this sister - because I sure do love you! 

Happy birthday dear brother - I love you so much!!

with love,   

joy

PS as I was thinking of my brother yesterday the lines from HE AIN'T HEAVY HE'S MY BROTHER ran over and over in my mind.  Here they are so it can run through yours as well ...

… The road is long

With many a winding turn

That leads us to who knows where, who knows where

But I'm strong

Strong enough to carry him

He ain't heavy, he's my brother

… So on we go

His welfare is of my concern

No burden is he to bear

We'll get there

… For I know

He would not encumber me

He ain't heavy, he's my brother

… If I'm laden at all

I'm laden with sadness

That everyone's heart

Isn't filled with the gladness

Of love for one another

… It's a long, long road

From which there is no return

While we're on the way to there

Why not share?

… And the load

Doesn't weigh me down at all

He ain't heavy, he's my brother

… He's my brother

He ain't heavy, he's my brother

He ain't heavy, he's my brother

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Bob Russell / Bobby Scott

rewriting Psalm 40 in my own words

The sky is blue and the birds singing.  Some kind of unearthly rodent was at the bird feeder - hard to believe the Creator made such things, but He did.  Bigger than all the rest we have seen and something that looks different.  Perhaps he will soon be trapped in the live trap holding peanuts for him to try for. Perhaps that is why the birds are chirping as there is nothing to be found for them but the feeder hanging haphazardly on the window.  Seems the suction cups have given out.  Thinking there is a sermon waiting to use that illustration.

He is just lifting off the railing ....

in flight ....

getting into position 

almost :)

made it!!

love this silhouette 

Pontoon plane flies over head toward the airport a few miles away and it makes me wonder where people are coming from and who will be heading out next.  And it makes me want to travel.  Actually these days I would like to go somewhere far away where troubles melt like lemon drops away above the chimney tops … oh hold it, that’s a song!  

I watch the leaves shimmy and shake as the wind passes throw them and I hear always think about the Bible verse that talks about the trees clapping their hands.  I always imagine that is what I am hearing.  The wind also passes past the wind chime and I hear the beautiful tones that soothe this soul. The tall grass of the bullrushes moves.  And I realize how creation is so good at praising and thanking the Creator, and does often!  

Oh there is the sound of yet another plane makes me want to run out and shout TAKE ME TAKE ME!  Ah that it would be so easy.  Running away from things is sometimes my go to thought, but is never one that is played out thankfully.  Although, if it wasn't for my husband, kids and grandkids, there are times where I think I would move far, far away.  

I sit here in the quietness of this house.  The quiet before the coming and going of retreaters that will begin tomorrow and go through the week.  The weekend will be cut in half due to ministry responsibilities here at home.

Breathing in - breathing out.  Seems this is the practice that quiets this girl’s soul. 

Breathe In and my heart says LORD I NEED YOU and breath out and my heart says BE MY STRENGTH.  The in and out rythmn of my lungs collaborates with the cry of my heart.  

The other day I had a beautiful experience when my new Dominican friend Mary prayed over me.  Wow, did she pray.   Later she said that the Psalm that God gave her to tell me was Psalm 40.  I knew this Psalm as I call it one of my own!!  Especially the first few verses.  They became my mantra 27 years ago when I was walking through my depression and also when Mom was dying in the hospital. Take a look:  Psalm 40: 1-4 NLT

“I waited patiently for the LORD to help me; 

He turned to me and heard my cry

He lifted me out of the pit of despair,

out of the mud and the mire

He set my feet on solid ground

And steadied me as I walked along

He has given me a new song to sing

a hymn of praise to our God

Many will see what he has done and be amazed

They will put their trust in the LORD.”

I love those verses because they bring hope.  Sometimes life has a way of trying to pull us down. And if you were feeling a little bit down, the next thing can push you flat out, face down.  I know that as this has been what I have experienced lately.  The pit has been deep.  And just when I feel like I am sort of on my way out, I slide back in.

But as I look at this Psalm I am reminded again that God does hear my cry.  I know that from experience.  I know it to be true.  I know it.  There are times when I have felt like I have been holding on by “the skin of my teeth” as the old saying used to go.   Yes I know - teeth do not have skin!!  

When I looked that up the phrase it said This phrase first appeared in English in 1560 in the Geneva Bible, in Job 19:20. It provides a literal translation of the original Hebrew. Since teeth have no skin, the expression refers to the smallest possible measure. Source: theidioms.com

And seriously, holding on with the smallest possible measure at times is better than letting go!

I know that to be true many times in my life.   I know that in the midst of the muck, God’s Got This.  

So on this morning, as the wind comes and goes, and makes everything sing in its path, I sit here in my chair by the window and watch.  The window is open and I feel the breeze and I can hear everything on the other side of the pane of glass.

As the bird twitter and sing, and land on the railing, I am reminded of the Scripture that talks about how God, our Creator knows every single thing about the birds.  How much more he knows and cares about us, those who are created in his image and who his son Jesus died for.

To me that alone sounds like something that we should be singing about.

My soul has been in the depths - in the pit and I will be honest, sometimes it is hard to get out of there.  My enneagram number is both a blessing and a curse for me.  But it does help me to understand myself and my reactions and feelings that are at times deeper than I know what to do with.  

And in these depths that have been much like sea billows for the past little while - even in the tossing and turning, I know God's Got This.  In the stillness of this morning as I sit in this chair I can hear the LORD say:Breathe deep and be still.  I'm here in the midst of this all.  Trust me Beloved.  

So I am going to write this psalm again, for today, in my words.

Joy’s version of Psalms 40:1-4

LORD, here I am again.  Sometimes I am not so patient, but I am waiting.

Oh LORD I need your help. 

I don’t know what that help looks like, but I need it.

I know you hear my cries.  

I know you know my thoughts.  

I know you are completely aware of everything spoken and unspoken.

You know this heart, belonging to this old gal, needs you so bad.

You have lifted me from the pit before, and I know you will do that again.

Despair.  Even the word sounds hopeless

But YOU bring HOPE into the places that seem the most dark.

This muck and mire - feels like the stuff that holds onto your feet, 

The stuff that boots get stuck in as it suctions feet in place

But YOU are the only one that can lift me/us out of this place

AND YOU set my feet securely onto solid rock…

I see the picture of myself, mudcaked but standing.

Mud falling down my legs and pooling around my feet

YOU wipe them clean so that the ground is not slippery but secure

I am worried about slipping but you take my hand and bring me forward

Each step secure on you, the ROCK of my life.

And as I walk ahead, something is stirring within me

I feel it, rolling around, coming together and then out of my mouth in a praise that is new

A newly composed song sung to the most melodious tune

In turn, people see that it was only God that can do what they just witnessed

Because you O GOD, Sovereign One - you are the God 

who Hears

who provides

who heals

who wipes the mud off along with the tears

who gives breath and song at the same time.

I waited and you heard my cry.

Thank you.

Now with this personal rendition of my favourite Psalm, I sign off.  

For those of you who read this ~ thanks.

If you want to talk ~ feel free to direct message me.  

If you are feeling this way ~ I have good listening ears

If you want someone to pray for you ~ I can do that too.

If you just want to pray for me ~ I would love that.

Remember - keep turning to the only One who really can help!!

Love,

 j

Retelling my story through the lens of nature ... ordinary extraordinary willow

I am here, tucked a little out of the way, in the beautiful garden, surrounded by the luscious peonies that are slowly opening out of their buds that look like marshmallows.  

I know beauty when I see it.  I tower over the irises that are bluey purple and so regal in their beauty! And I oversee the buckeye tree that you often stand by and look at its prickly buds that eventually grow and then expel the shiny dark brown nuts inside.  

You see me and walk by me every time you walk the garden path.  I see you looking at me.  I feel your heart towards me. I know that you are pretty proud of me because I actually hear you talking about me to people.  About the "one willow who made it!"  I am resilient.

Sometimes you come to me, eye me up, as you stop and gently clip my boughs because they brush over people’s faces as they walk by on the garden path. I don't scratch them or hurt people, but I am a little bit in the way, and need to be tended to once in a while.

But, I’m growing almost as quick as you cut my boughs and I smile because you gather up the clippings and take take them and put them into water to grow roots so that you can plant me in other places!  That makes me chuckle because I always think that I am so ordinary - just an ordinary willow.  Yep NOT even a pussy willow or a weeping willow, although if you come near me and just sit a while, you may see my tears from time to time.  

Yes I think I am ordinary.  I do not have blossoms that turn into fruit. I do not have prickly things that grow beautiful shiny nuts,  I do not have leaves that turn a beautiful orange or red or yellow when autumn comes.  But YOU see something in me.  And I am seeing things about myself as well.  I feel like I am coming more alive within myself!  

YOU see my strength and the way that I grow whether the conditions are good or tough.    I know I have heard you and your husband talk about how quickly I grow, and how sturdy I am and how I missed the accidental mowing that my other willow siblings succumbed to.  (But I did not)  Was that coincidental, or the Creator's purpsoe for me, ordinary little me! 

There was a plan for me obviously, and here I am - taller than any of the other trees that you actually paid money for..  I am sturdier than all the rest.  

                                                                    

I am growing in leaps and bounds. 

I am vibrant and strong and green - having risen up from a small stick you placed into the mud.  

Not sure what your expectations were of me, but I have a feeling I have exceeded them all!  Yep, I have really surprised you.  

Creator knew that my characteristics where more than what met the eye for people.  He knew that even though people may think that I am seemingly non descript and very ordinary ~ Creator knows better.  

Yep, I sway in the wind, I bring shade when people walk under me and if you stop to take a good look, you have noticed that my trunk is big and sturdy and my roots go down deep. I can take the heat that beats down on me, and the rain that cools me and runs off my leaves.  Sure I lose a few bits and pieces of my leaves and branches if the storms get a bit violent, but I am still standing.

I can handle the endless dry spells of summer and then the freezing temperature of our endless winter only to come out of it strong, healthy, growing green and beautiful.  

My boughs clap and if you are quiet enought to hear my rustle, just slow down and stop and take it in.  Don't mind me, I'm just joining the other trees that are clapping their hands in praise to the One who made us!  His plan and purpose for this ordinary little willow is exceeding anything I could ever ask or imagine and this Willow knows who she is!!  Thankful.  Strong.  Courageous.  

** Thank you to my friend, and spiritual director, Cathy J Hardy, who encouraged the women in our "cloister" group to do a "retelling of my story through the lens of nature". I experience the goodness of God through Creation.  

I love that the created (you, me)  can worship as we are surrounded by such beauty.  So, I knew right away that I would use my favourite tree in the garden to help retell my story.  

Written today <3

Where is the "frog leaf" when you need it?

not a weed, but a healing medicine found in your grass

I have been thinking about my dad lately, and also having the urge to take a shovel and look under the snow to try and find some frozen frog leaf in my yard.  I need it.  The reason my dad is attached to that desire is because it was my dad who originally went into our yard and picked a frog-leaf to place on a wound I had on my leg.  That was years ago ...

Back before the time I knew about my Metis heritage.  Back before the time to ask my dad why he had not told us more about our heritage.  Back before the time I really cared about natural medicine because riding my bike and building forts was a bigger draw.  

     

I wished I had asked questions then.  I wished I had known my grandma Mary-Ann Thomas who was the area's  "Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman" if you are my age and watched the TV series, you know what I mean. I have reason to believe that this was exactly who my grandma Thomas was.  The midwife/doctor/medicine-woman of Stoney Point and area.  I have a feeling my Grandma would have also told people about Jesus so that she could also attend to their spiritual healing.  I believe she would have given our Creator God the thanksgiving for the natural medicines she would have used on people - such as the Frog Leaf.

But I was too young to ask questions, and by the time I started to ask, my Dad passed away.  My Grandma Thomas never got to hold any of us, because she passed away while my parents were on their honey moon, but I have a feeling my grandma and I would have been close and I sometimes wonder if any part of my character resembles her.  I like to think so <3

                                                        

So why am I thinking about frog leaf and going to the backyard to shovel snow.  Well it seems I came home from my trips with amazing memories, but also what we think is a spider bite that somehow in the days after I came home, got infected to the point where I was actually feeling a little scared.  (I will be honest, the thing in my mind was the words flesh eating disease)  So I watched with vigilance.  I drew a circle around it to show where the red, hot, painful, sore area had gone to, with a dotted line further out to show where it was not red and hard, but still sore to the touch.   

I went to the doctor who gave me a medicine but also the words "watch it and if it changes, go to the hospital as you may need an IV antibiotic instead" ... and today is three full days on the strong medication.  Not sure why, but I had not thought until last night to send the request to our church prayer line, for there to be a visible reduction in hardness, redness and pain by the end of today - and Alvin and I believe there is a definite change.  I am thankful for the doctor/medication and the praying people who raised the request before the great HEALER himself!

I firmly believe if I had that leaf ... the wound would have healed quicker than this.

I am just wondering if a frozen frog leaf would have the same affect as a fresh one in summer.

AND I am also thinking perhaps next year I will harvest a few and freeze them, so that at least I can give it a try if I need to!

I am thankful that if no other medicine wisdom was learned, that at least this ONE THING was passed from my Grandma to my Dad and to me.  I have used this on both of my children and myself in years past and always the wound healed quickly.  I know that God is the amazing Creator that created all the herbal remedies that we use.  I just wish I had a chance to sit and learn from my Grandma.

In the meantime, I will rely on this "old and cheap" but strong antibiotic that the Doc put me on (I have an allergy to amoxicillin so they have to use other things" but he said this one was good.  And rely on the prayers of the community of faith around me - that has prayed for healing.

I am thankful that it is a bit better than yesterday.

Thank you HEALER!

with love,

PS 

Okay also here is my method to using the frog leaf.

I would make sure the wound was clean.  Then make sure the frog leaf was also clean, by running it under water, and drying it.  

I would take the leaf, and fold it smaller, and then bite it all over.

Then I would unfold it, apply it over the wound, and put a bandaid on top.

If needed, I would repeat the process with a fresh bitten leaf the next day or day after as needed.

Are there remedies you know of that have been passed down from your grandparents, great grandparents?  If so, do you care to share?