her bright smile filled up the room that I had come into with my heavy heart and confusion ...

I sat across from her

her bright smile filling up the cozy room where I had come with my heavy heart and confusion

I don't know where to start I told her

and she smiled and said, "lets call it a movie, tell me how it rolls"

and so I did

I talked about the things that have transpired over the past 11 years

things I thought I had put behind me

not that I was over them, or through them, 

but more that I was choosing to remember them no more

Father God does that with us all the time. 

And I said, I thought I had forgiven

however more things in my life (things that unfolded in the last year)  all of a sudden woke up that big sleeping giant 

and I was surprised and shocked and confused as to why one big thing brought the other thing back to life.

As if these two big "giants" were related.

Prior to the visit, 

I thought it was confusing.

My son said that he believed the woman with the big smile definitely had the skill set to help me work through this unrest in my soul.

This feeling that I was not able to quite put my finger on, so I called it "anger"

Actually I told her that it felt like "road rage inside me"

(to be honest, I have never experienced true road rage (thankfully) while driving, but this felt like what it may be like)

But that confused me too since I know that anger hasn't been a huge part of my life

in fact whenever I get angry, I get dizzy

almost as if God wired me that way as a way to say - "back up, step away from the situation and breathe!)

maybe the feeling wasn't anger

did I have to name the feeling?

And the one with the smile

she knew exactly what to do with my junk

the messiness that I carried and dragged into her office with me

In her gentle ways she pulled out some questions based on what I said

"Let's go back to this ..

Okay imagine you are sitting with those people, and I am right beside you but I am not saying anything, I am just there for support - tell me - imagine you are there now - what would you say to them?"

with tears streaming down my cheeks as if I was right back there in 2008

I spoke up

boldly

confidently

articulate

sharing my heart

and they sat there, and heard me speak.

With my eyes closed and tears streaming down

I expressed my feelings on the situation.

And all of a sudden I knew

I had a voice!

Then after we talked about that (the above paragraph and the imaginary meeting/conversation)

She said, "Fast forward to the latest stuff - the recent "thing" (the one that blew the 11 year old past out of its holding pattern.

How do you feel?

Out of that feeling, what do you have to say?

And as I sat again with eyes closed, speaking to those who needed to hear (but were only there in my imagination)

I again began to speak out loud ..

But I did not need to say much when it happened...

And it was like a light bulb turned on, I said, "oh my goodness, I think I understand.  I think I get why this recent past stuff, brought the old sleeping giant to life.  It is because I was not given opportunity to speak.  I was told what I needed to do, what we needed to do. I was not asked how I feel about this, in fact feelings were likely the farthest thing from the minds.   I was told what would happen and not ever asked, what do you think, let me hear you on this."

The two things are 11 years apart.  Different scenario.  Different people.  But some thing was the same.  

AHA ... my soul got the connection between 2009 and 2019 -  and now her smile was joined by mine.

And then we talked of future things

Life changes, and possible realities that are coming from current conversations 

We talked about friendships and I shared how my circle was changing and it felt like it was smaller

We talked about those in the smaller circle around us

not the ones that were "friends" but true inner circle friends

She asked who is on that inner circle around me. (other than my family)

We talked about prayer warriors who walk tightly shoulder to shoulder with me

the ones who didn't back away from raw comments, confusion or messiness

the ones who spoke to God on my behalf

the ones who spoke into my life, even if the "speaking in" was hard to hear.

And then we talked about inner circle friends who were there for both Alvin and I

The ones we did life with.

Not just once in a blue moon acquaintance friends, but the ones that were in our life often and with whom we shared deeply, and just had fun with too.

She smiled lots yesterday

and she gently encouraged words to come, tears to run, and celebrated the "light bulb turning on" "aha" moments.

She allowed me to process feelings that I had.

She encouraged me often to - 

"Close your eyes and breathe.

In

Out

Breathe

When you are ready, open your eyes again."

And hour and a half later I walked out differently than I walked in.

An obvious difference in how I felt.

In how I would feel going forward.

In how I would remember 2008, and 2019 and the giants were no longer big and menacing

Some words came out of the conversation for me.

One of the words was the same as the word God gave me this year.

It is LOVE.

The other is ACCEPTANCE 

And this word was given to me the other day by one of those prayer warriors in my inner circle.

This life sometimes is hard.  Well, actually it is OFTEN hard.

And that's okay.

It is not a cause to pity me, or anyone for that matter.

Actually if you know me well, you will know that if there is anything I hate (yep thats a strong word) It is pity.

NO ... life being hard is about still walking forward.

And walking it with Jesus because seriously without him, I am not sure how I would ever do it.

Because you see, 

in the midst of the messy

In the midst of the tears - the memories - the forgiving.

In the midst of the situations that make us stop and question

There is the loving embrace of the Father 

and his tender mercies which are new in the midst of the hard days.

And ... in the midst of the hard stuff, God provides people to meet with us.

People he gives gifting and skillset to.

Like the one with the smile

That listened, and gently spoke into my life.

And brought me to the place where I experienced the peace of God in the midst of the messy.

She smiled

I smiled

and I believe the Father smiled too.

PS.  Rebecca Dolyniuk is the one with the smile - and if you need to talk with someone - I really recommend you give her a call!!https://rndtherapy.ca

NOW, on another note - I just heard a song sung by a group of women we hosted a week ago - and I asked them what it was - and this is it.  It is so beautiful.  may it bless your soul today as well.

an Ursula experience

It is a strange thing when you think you have put something hard behind you but then have something come up and the old thing from the past rises up inside of you, taking you to a place that doesn't look or feel nice.  Not. One. Little. Bit.  In fact, it looks and feels ugly to the enth degree.

In fact, in my mind, if I could think of a picture to capture the way it rises up, the picture would likely be this one - 

When my daughter was younger and she watched The Little Mermaid, and this scene came on, I could not help but feel that it was really scary, and evil.  There is nothing good about this character.  The is scary and when she rises up out of the sea, she is bigger than life and keeps growing.

This is kind of how I have felt lately as some things in my present have resurrected the past.  The past that contains memories that my heart has worked with, and I have given over and over again to the LORD.   (what? its back, no you take it LORD) .  It seemed to come to a culmination yesterday and I was just so angry which surprised me because I don't think I am an angry person at heart.  But I recognized anger right away.  

It makes no sense really.  The things that set me off were/ are not even related to the things in the past. or at least not really that I can see at first glance inward.  It could be just something I saw, or or read.  A post, a text, a message on facebook.  It could have be a feeling of being left out, or a feeling of being made to feel stupid. Or maybe all of the above!! And I know, and see, how each one of the "could be's" have the potential to bring that Ursala up out of the water in all her ugliness.  And yesterday Ursula presented herself - so ugly - and seemingly bigger than life.  And I felt like I could not breathe.  

So I shared with a prayer warrior friend that I needed prayer.  I needed someone else to help hold up my arms like they did with Moses. She is always there for me.  Well, I believe I am there for her too.  In her wisdom she asked if I wanted to share what was going on, and I did.  

As I wrote it down to send her in a text, I was not sure I liked how it sounded or looked when I read it back - there in black and white, and see that it makes you look hmmm what would be the word? Maybe messy is the best word.  Yes - I am so messy.   I don't like how feels nor do I like how it looks either. 

I needed to let someone else speak into my life, and to see someone else's response to me.  Just to hear someone say she understands.   (Maybe because she has been part of my journey way back when ...) and instead of being made to feel like I am a real "case" ~ my arms are quickly lifted by her prayers and encouragement.  Just like Moses friends lifted his arms when the battle got to be too much.

You see, I didn't need answers, I just needed the friend(s) who ask the hard questions and presses into the Father on my behalf.    I have to say that I have 3 friends who really go deep with me and we pray for one another - there is no fluff in our conversations.  I love that. It is much easy being vulnerable when you know someone is praying for you.

Then last night I was able to physically get out of the house and breathe.  I did not have to be home for the retreater, she knows the ropes.  I was able to get outside of my four walls and breathe deep.  This helped.  

I know this is a post that says a whole lot of nothing about something lol.  You don't need to know any details about that which pushed me to the edge yesterday.  You do need to know however, that when that happens to you (and it likely will at some point) ~ you need to run to the WORD.  Even if you don't read it, even listen to it on audio ... and to just SIT with the Father and ask His Word to be renewed in your mind.  Sit with him, like you would on the knee of the most amazing Dad ever. NOW:  I know some of you may have a problem with imagining a dad image for God.  I get that, but I don't have a problem, in fact, I love thinking about my relationship with my Heavenly Father who yes, has characteristics of a Mother, and ... at risk of sounding mean, this post is really about me and my thoughts, and I thank God that I had a earthly father who pointed me to my Heavenly Father, through his love and actions towards me).  Yesterday I wept.  Some of the tears I knew where they were coming from.  Some of the tears were tears of the past as well.  It's like my heart opened up and the tears leaked out!   I actually talked with two sisters over the day,  who both pointed me back to Jesus - thank you ladies.  We all need friends in our lives who dare to ask the hard questions.  Who dare to challenge us on what we see.  And who dare to call us out when they think our behaviour or response is not good.  I thank God for friends who through godly wisdom challenge me to press into God and examine my heart.

I knew I needed to run to the WORD.  I knew I needed to sit with the Father.  I knew I needed to call in some reserves for extra prayer support.  I knew that again, I had to call the enemy out and tell him he was not going to use any of this to get me down, and further more he could go back to hell where he belongs.  Yep, I learned that through Priscilla Shirer in the War Room - and so I did - I called out to Jesus - outlaid - full strength voice (my retreater was out for a little while so she was not frightened by me!) and I prayed out loud with tears running down my cheeks and then - I also told the devil where to go!

The other thing I knew was that it was time to go and see Rebecca, a therapist that God has put into my life for such a time as this.  It seems we need to sit and talk.  So the appointment is set.  I just have to say that she - is such a gift from God, and the way she works with clients is amazing.  If you are walking through something and you need to see a counsellor, I highly recommend Rebecca Dolyniuk.   You won't regret that decision.

Today I feel better.  

My bible plan for today started off with the title "The Overflow from the Heart" and "Wrestle with God in prayer" and you have to know (if you are reading this) that this is where I am at.  I want my overflow to be that of joy.  I am wrestling with the Lord on a few things.  Yes, I know - HE ALWAYS WINS but he lets me wrestle with him on things. And I am so glad.  I am his Beloved!!  

And tomorrow - I get to walk into Rebecca's office and sit on her cute couch and talk.

Oh Lord, I love you!  I know I am your beloved! Thank you LORD GOD that you are in all of my past - in the my present and in my future.  Even the hard stuff.  You walked those days with me, and you are still walking with me. Thank you for amazing sisters who are there for me, encouraging, calling out, and challenging me when needed.   Thank you for your WORD which continues to shed light onto my feet and to point me always again and again to the Truth.  Thank you that I can keep growing, keep learning and keep healing. I am so thankful LORD that you are not mad when I come to you broken and messy, no in fact, like a parent with their child, you wipe off the dust from my knees, the tears from my cheeks and you embrace me!  Oh Father - Papa - Abba I love you.  And LORD thank you for giving wisdom to therapists who can also help us walk through some tough patches. I praise you LORD GOD ~  For this day, and all it holds.  I say thank you!!  

I love you LORD!   Love, Joy

PS:  a little note on seeing a therapist/counsellor:  a few too many times I have heard people say "no I don't need a counsellor" or they go to see their pastor.  Now, remember I pastor'ed too but I would say that pastors "normally" are not certified counsellor and should be sending people out to those who also have the resources.  Like the insurance company said at a seminar, unless a pastor has the counselling designation behind their names, they should not be counselling.   I know people who do not think it is "bad enough" to see a counsellor or hear "it's too much money". and I hear you on that. It does cost us money.  But your life, your mental health is worth it.  

I should have taken the Sleep Juice!

It's 1:30 am.  Too late to take sleep juice (a herbal product).  I have laid in bed for a while - and have decided to just get up, come upstairs and sit by the fire.  It's not the first time I have done this routine. The ringing in my ears seems extra loud tonight.  That just never goes away, although sometimes other noise lessens the continuous ringing in my head.  Ringing is one thing.  But sometimes, some nights (okay, MANY nights) the thoughts in my head are noisy too!  I keep a book beside my bed which I often reach out to in the dark, and scribble the thought down in ink so as to let it go until the morning.  But that idea was not sufficient for me tonight, or should I say this morning.  Which is it?

It's dark outside.  And it seems everyone/thing is asleep, or still.  (well everyone/thing except this gal). Maybe it was the coffee I drank at 7 pm.  Mental note regarding late night coffee consumption.  In fact, I am thinking perhaps I should cut back on coffee and not drink it at all after 4.  

There are many thoughts in my mind - bouncing around like the silver balls in the pinball machines.  I have often thought it would be cool to have all the thoughts in my head recorded.  Or on second thought, maybe not, as I am thinking they would be so scattered that one would just laugh.  My children have often laughed and looked at one another when I say something that is totally unrelated to the conversation we were in ... yep, there goes another butterfly I have sometimes said.  You know how butterflies fly here and there, often surprising you from whence they came.  Well that's me.  

Those thoughts that go from one extreme to another.  Some serious, others whimsical.  Some just spoken out loud, but perhaps should have been kept to myself.  Do other women in their sixties do this?  Am I that much of an anomaly lol

Tonight as I laid in bed my thoughts recalled people I needed to bring before the LORD.  Some of the same names that I had prayed for earlier.  Other names were somehow attached almost like threads, to the names of former prayers.  I love how God does that.  He brings people to mind.  And then I pray.  Years and years ago, we had a friend (who is now with Jesus) and he used to talk about how he peddled on his stationary bike, and prayed for people.  He shared that he had a big notebook of names to pray through.  Now, I realize that people all have different prayer habits, but let me tell you that having a huge list of names to pray through is not one of my habits.  Over the course of my life, I have also felt bad a few times when someone thanked me for praying for them, and I knew that I had not yet prayed (so thankful that others had).  So I have adopted prayer habits such as 1) NOT telling people that "I will pray for you" but instead actually praying for them then, either in person right at the time, or over the phone, or even over text or email.  I don't think God cares HOW we pray.  He knows anyhow, and seriously, it isn't like God NEEDS us to pray however I believe it is about coming before him with the prayers that are on our hearts concerning those we love.  Another prayer habit is 2) NOT making a list of names to just read through or call out, but instead to pray as God brings people's names to my heart.  Okay, let me be honest.  For me, there is nothing inviting about just having a list of names.  Don't get me wrong.  I know that for some people, this is the best way for them to pray for others.  HOWEVER, for me, a list of names is not something that inspires me to pray.  I instead love how God brings a name to mind.  And when that happens, I pray for that person. The best part about this is when I have perhaps let someone know for instance, that I was awakened in the night with God laying their name upon my heart to pray, and then finding out about how they were spending time with the LORD about then, or going through something that needed prayer.  You know, God is amazing the way HE uses us in His Kingdom work!!  I love that!  

I guess maybe the other thing that I believe, is something an older friend told me once when I shared how I had been praying and fasting at a specific time each week for something significant, and that week I had missed it.  She looked at me with a big smile, and told me that this guilt was not of God, and that she also said that the prayers of the saints are eternal - and that just because I was on a time line, didn't meant that the prayers offered before, weren't still prayers that God knew and heard (and collected in the prayer bowls that are mentioned in the Bible).  Seriously - I love the Scripture that talks about the bowls of prayers in the throneroom! 

Prayer.  I know that prayer definitely changes things.  It draws us closer to the heart of the Father. It brings Heaven closer to earth so to speak.  Prayer finds us sometimes wrestling with answers, and other times prayer increases our faith.  Some people say prayer is just coincidence.  But stop praying and see what happens with your coincidences!!

When my children were young, I began to pray with them about everything.  I would pray before they got on the bus.  For appointments - for interviews - for jobs - even for bathing suits!  (yep, this is an amazing AMAZING God story - ask me about it!!). I would pray with them about things they were afraid of, or wrestling through.  Yes, we did the normal prayer as in saying thanks to the LORD before meals, or bedtime prayers.  But prayer was way more than that.  It was really one way I wanted them to see that we can talk with God anywhere, any time, eyes open or shut, on our knees or standing up, walking running or driving, out loud, or in our hearts.   As my children came to me with their joys and heart aches, their successes and their failures, their wants and their needs, or just to sit with my arms around them as they rested on my lap - THIS picture was the picture I wanted them to experience first hand, and learn about how this is such a living illustration of how the Father wants us to come to him with every single thing, and also to come just to be with him in silence.  As a mom to my kids, I heard every request and every reason behind why the request should be granted.  I heard the rebuttals and the pleading.  I also heard the thank-yous and sometimes the why-nots.  As a mom I also was able to hold them while they cried, and hold them as they laughed.  And then were the times when they would just come and want to be held in a warm embrace.   You know, I experienced this first hand myself, as a young child.  My dad was not perfect by any stretch of the imagination but oh he loved us kids.  And I loved sitting on his lap being held, being in conversation with him.  As a little girl, I got to experience the love of my earthly father, and I believe this helped me understand the amazing love of my Heavenly Father - Papa.  God.   And in turn, as I raised my children, and to this day as I also help to pour into the lives of my grandchildren, I want them to know how approachable and present the Father is to them, and how He loves for them to come to him with everything!

Prayer.  There is much to be said on the subject.  However the biggest things about prayer have been learned through my life of communion with the LORD.  My prayer has grown because of my relationship with the LORD.   And I don't take any one of those moments - those requests - those conversations - those times of being with Him in silence for granted.

We all need people around us that will pray.  in each of our lives, I believe we know who that circle is.  The ones that text to say, "hey you were on my heart so I prayed for you" or "woke up in the night with you on my heart, so I prayed."  Or maybe it was an older person in your life who you know prays for you daily whether you think you need it or not (my parents did this - I know because I could hear them as they prayed for me in their room at night).  May the circle includes life groups that spend time praying each time they meet (ours does) or may include our spouses, or children who will put their hands on you and pray (I will admit, that is one of my favorite things) ... or as just happened not that long ago, having my oldest grandson pray for me!   We need a circle around us of people who pray with us, and for us whether we ask or not.

I hope that perhaps I have been, or can be that person to you!

Love Joy

PS ... I am praying for you now:

Father, I thank you for this time in the wee hours of this day.  LORD you have given me this space when everyone else is asleep - to think, to write and now to pray. Thank you for that.  I thank you for the way you impress names on our hearts, to pray for.  I thank you for how you hear, and your answer.  I pray right now for someone who may read this.... LORD if they are searching for you, may you be found by them.  If they need forgiveness, may they speak to you, and experience your redeeming love.  I pray that if someone that reads this needs to know how much they are loved by you - may they encounter your grace and experience a tangible sense of your love.  YOU Papa, are Sovereign.  You are fully in control.  May your will be done in their and my life - and your Kingdom come on earth - as it is in Heaven.  Amen.