Yet I will praise you Lord

I have just watched my Grandson Jay's dvd - and as always, I am affected by the song that accompanies it. It talks about praising God...

Praising Him in my brokenness, in my desparation, when I can't understand all that he has allowed. It is about praising Him when I can't see the reason for all of it. It is about trusting him, CHOOSING to trust him when when my heart is torn, when I feel deserted, when I am in the darkest valley. When my world is shattered, when it seems that all hope is gone.

About trusing HIM in my lonliness, and when I cannot hear God.

I realize that God must have gone through all of this pain too, when his son Jesus hung on the cross. And also that as Jesus intercedes on our behalf, he knows the pain too. This truly has felt like the darkest night of my soul. And yet, for my kids, who lost their son, it is all that more painful. I just can't imagine.

Here I sit at home. It is quiet as no one else is home. I seem to like this quietness. It gives me room to think, to pray, to journal. But then, I have always liked to have some of my own space from time to time, that's no secret.

But here I sit, and thoughts of my grandson flood my being. Again, it feels very real, but very surreal at the same time. Like it is just a bad dream. But it is not. I am a Granny, but my arms are empty. And while I grieve, I also grieve for my children.... and I just can't imagine the depth of their pain. I also grieve for my daughter and future son-in-law, as they were counting on being the greatest aunt and uncle around. I grieve for their loss too.

Sometimes life is just so hard. There are times when it seems like the valley is very deep. There are times when it seems God is both far away, and yet carrying us. Like right now.

This morning God laid Psalm 22 on my heart.... and I admit, sometimes it makes sense why, and other times, I think maybe I just thought God gave the psalm number to me. But today, as I went to get my Bible... and I read, it was the cry of my heart. "My God, my God, why have you abandoned me? why are you so far away when I groan for help. Every day I call to you, my God, but you do not answer. Every night you hear my voice but I find no relief. Yet, you are holy....." and then when David describes how he feels..."my life if poured out like water...my heart is like wax, melting within me..." (this is how Jesus felt on the cross. O Jesus thank you for going there for me!) and then "O Lord, do not stay far away! You are my strength; come quickly to my aid!" and then at the end of the Psalm, vs 29 and on.... "our children will also serve him. future generations will hear about the wonderf of the Lord. His reightous acts will be told to those not yet born. They will hear about everything he has done."

I have found comfort in this Psalm this morning... it said things that my heart is feeling... David is so like that! He went through so much...even losing a son himself. He is so transparent, putting his words on the page. The Psalms have been a comfort to our family especially over the last week and a half. I was thinking about the last verses though, and thinking ahead, as God gives more children to our family.... more grandchildren to my husband and I. I know that our firstborn grandson Jay's life will always be part of our lives, and will be shared ... and as we share about his life and his death, people will see how God carried us through it, how he gave us strength when it felt like there wasn't a shred of strength in our bodies to go on. We thank God that our children, all 4 are serving God, no matter what. We know that our story is one that is constantly being written... and I know that God knows all about it, and He is there for us.

So Lord today, on this beautiful day.... may I see your fingerprint all over it. Like you have often done, I ask again, that you would give me a "kiss" from you... so that I am reminded again, that even in this dark valley, you are there...

May your arms carry my kids through this time. May you give them strength in all areas of their being. O Lord, hear my prayer.

"even when my world is shattered and it seems all hope is gone...yet I will praise you Lord."