Here I sit by the fire while my good man sleeps soundly in bed. It is one of those nights and laying there in the dark with the soon to be soft snores of my husband does nothing to move the proverbial "elephant on my chest" off. A combination of the constant loud ringing in both ears, coupled with the thoughts that are bouncing around my head (and multiplying as they bounce) make me lay there procrastinating about just getting up out of bed for a while. I realize that going onto my computer is likely not the best thing, but at least it allows me to put thoughts down on paper (for what they are worth) it seems to help.
I expressed to Alvin that I felt this heaviness (the elephant) and I felt like I needed to go outside to catch my breath. He asked me if I wanted to go for a walk. I have been doing alot of walking lately, and my body has been thankful. However, I didnt think heading out the door in the pitch black at almost midnight was a good plan. The feeling of just having to get out and breathe isn't a new feeling. And it is one that I have talked with my doctor about. A year and a half ago, I was experiencing anxiety. I will be honest - this has been a new thing to me in the last few years. Although I remember my first experience (2008) shook me to the core - I hated the feeling - the panic - the feeling like I wanted to stop the bus and get the heck out of Dodge! I remember that morning. It was the culmination of some exceptionally hard stuff in my work place. The reaction I had that morning - my first encounter with anixety was a feeling that was new and overwhelming and scary all at the same time. I know it scared my husband.
Anxiety is a hard one. I think perhaps even more so when you are a Christ-follower. We all know the verse 1 Peter 5:7 NLT "7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." and Philippians 4:6-7 New Living Translation which says: "Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. 7 Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus."
I want to cast all my care and anxiety - I really really do. I want to not worry about a thing. I pray like crazy and God and I talk together alot. I know HIS peace is real. But I still have this anxiety that comes up from no where and threatens to squeeze the breath right out of me. Most of the time I can deal with it - it has so far NOT been debilitating like I know it is for a few of my friends. But, in the midst of calling out to God - the anxiety feels very very real! Because. It. Is.
I think it is very easy for a Christ follower/believer to beat ourselves us, almost like a berating of sorts - but God knows that too. And I know that He promises us that HE is with us - even when we don't feel him, or hear him, or see him at work at the time. He is there.
I think that this past year (well, almost a year) has only contributed to our crazy mixed up, shaken up, turned upside down on our heads emotions. Not one single person is untouched. And many MANY are in the struggle of their life (literally) to keep their heads above the seas of emotions on a daily basis. I also know that feeling of emotional drowning . It feels so real. Covid-19 has done a number on us. That is NO secret. The other day #BELLLETSTALK encouraged people to speak out loud about depression and mental health. So many emotional rollercoasters happening, with some feeling like there is no track left for the roller coaster to ride on. It's hard, and I know how hard some of my friends are fighting through each day. Fighting to take that breath all the time knowing that God is there for them, and He is in control. But in the midst of it all, there are times when (at least for me) I would just really like to see God - like REALLY SEE HIM in person beside me. Guess that's why we call it faith right - because we love and believe in the ONE who right now is unseen. Although the presence of the Holy Spirit is so felt. I will admit I have some friends who have struggled with anxiety and depression for a huge chunk of their lives, and continue to hang onto God, sometimes by the skin of their teeth - but still believeing that even though they have not experienced healing on this side of heaven - they are still trusting God with His plan for them. THAT takes faith! I have learned alot from these friends.
Anxiety is a tough one as I know it sometimes bubbles up - I can usually feel it, and like I said, can work through it. However my doctor gave me something to "keep in my back pocket" in case there are times that I need something to help me through. I have had the preseciption filled and in the medicine cabinet for a year and a half, with likely just 4 missing, one of which I took for my MRI the other day. It was strongly encouraged due to the fact that as I have gotten older, I have struggled with more anxiety ie at the dentist, or going for the MRI on my head ... let me tell you though, that was a decision. I had people praying, and I know that was the major help in my MRI experience. (I laid in that machine with spa music pumping through the headphones, and the vibrating noise of the machine and concentrating my thoughts on the LORD, knowing people were praying. SO THANKFUL.
As I laid in bed tonight, I kept thinking - should I take one of those little teeny weeny pills ? But just getting up out of bed, and coming to sit in this room, and writing these thoughts has helped to move that big ol elephant off.
I once heard someone say that anxiety is unmet expectations. Somehow I can't wrap my head fully around that one - but at the time it made sense. When I looked up anxiety tonight before I went to write this, I found this: Anxiety is a multisystem response to a perceived threat or danger. It reflects a combination of biochemical changes in the body, the patient's personal history and memory, and the social situation. As far as we know, anxiety is a uniquely human experience. https://medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/anxiety. ( I have to say though that I am not convinced it is uniquely human though, as I have seen a few dogs in my life who have displayed anixety! lol)
So what does one do with this feeling that overtakes us, makes us breathe fast, feel heavy chested, and sometimes makes us want to run? I want to give the "Sunday school answer" here and say that we should take it to Jesus. However I would be lying if I said up until 5 minutes ago, that I had given it to the LORD. But I did stop, and do some breath prayer. The words that came to me pray in the "breath prayer way" was :
(breathe in) BE STILL (breathe out) MY SOUL (breathe in) BE STILL (breathe out) MY SOUL (breathe in) BE STILL (breathe out) MY SOUL. (breathe in) BE STILL (breathe out) MY SOUL
I have also found since I have been walking daily since November 1 (my personal challenge to walk outside daily) (WOOHOO tooting my own horn here!!) But I have found that walking and let's face it - any exercise that gets your cardio up is SO HELPFUL for these feelings of anxiety. I have told someone that I feel somedays like my body is saying thank you for walking <3
Some other things that I have found IS reading Scripture, and/or recalling it. (I love doing that out loud) And praying which is just having that 1:1 converstaion with the LORD. Oh how HE loves us coming to talk with Him. I have found that sometimes we just get right into the conversation and tell him everything we want or need (even if it is on behalf of others) BUT I can not understate the importance of WORSHIP in our one on one with Jesus.
For me WORSHIP is one thing that dispels/chases away the feelings of despair, anxiety, overwhelming sense, sadness, gloom - you name it. You can NOT worship with PRAISE music/songs without feeling the presence of the Almighty with you and the clouds of worry & anxiety lifting. But worship in a time of anxiety is a very conscious and intentional choice. There is nothing like music ... believe me. We have a friend who often sends us a song to listen to. I think he literally eats, sleeps, lives with music on, and we have over the years sat together and listened to songs with tears rollng silently down our cheeks (and that was BEFORE we entered our sixties!!)
This just reminded me of my granddaughter, my namesake <3 She struggles wtih some anxiety but oh my goodness she has grown so much and has faced a few of those fears head on. But worship in song has been her thing to go to as well. She is just 8, but I have listened to her sing Lauren Daigle's LOOK UP CHILD, and she has blessed this Granny's soul. Maybe you want to listen for yourself. https://youtu.be/N90b4O3B-kY
Anxiety looks different on each of us - and yet there are similarities. The biggest one being that it feels terrible. But in the midst of it all, let's remember that Jesus calmed the storm when his disciples were freaking out (well first they had to wake Jesus up!) and HE can calm the storm within us too! Let's remember that He is with us, and call out to Him first when we are feeling crushed by the weight of anxiety.... and KNOW that you are not alone! Sometimes it feels lonely though - I feel that sometimes too. But I also think the enemy uses that one against us causing us to doubt our faith in those dark hard times and also knowing that feeling alone means we may just retreat, or withdraw from people who can speak the truth to us and give us prayer support and encouragement. The community around us - oh I can't say enought about community!!
Don't let the elephant crush the breath out of you. And hey, if you want to talk - drop me a message comment here, or D.M. me on facebook. I would gladly pray with and for you.
with love,
j
PS Our church has been doing an 8 week video series called Wonderful Counsellor: the emotions of Jesus and my son is one of two people who are speaking each Sunday for the 8 weeks. I am thankful for Josh and Dr. Jess speaking into Mental Health, and thankful for our church (Kilcona Park Alliance) that has dedicated this huge chunk of time to it. I encourage you to watch - you can access them on the church youtube channel. Take a look. There is lots of info also given that you can access if you need.
Here is the link if you want to watch the first one - and then go from there.
