An offer to you re: Spiritual Direction

Thankful for my journey in and down ... 

A journey of learning to stand, and valuing the rootedness I have, and allowing my roots to tap into the source living water as the Holy Spirit fills and moves within me, and through me.

This journey has been slow.  One step at a time, and a a lot  of sitting, thinking, listening,  journalling and spending time with the ONE who gives me breath!  Where would I be without God in my life, and the power of the Holy Spirit.  There is no right or wrong to this journey, and there is no end this side of Heaven.  However I see how I have grown and learned so much about who I am, who I have been created to be at the very essence of my being.  Words do not come easy to describe this journey.  In fact, I don't think I would do it any justice even if I tried.  But I know what I have learned and grown in, and I am so thankful.

Years and years ago (in the mid 80's) a friend of mine encouraged me to begin taking "spiritual retreats" at St. Benedicts Retreat and Conference Centre (which is no longer operating) just north of the city of Winnipeg, on Main Street.  I remember those retreats with such fondness as I began to experience the stirrings within my soul ~ calling me to go deeper.  Shortly after, in the late 80's, I began to see someone from our church, for Spiritual Direction.  At the time this idea was new to me, and I would say new to most people.  After the early 2000's, I still met with my Spiritual Director.  

Life carried on, and I was heavily involved in ministry.  I had gone through New Way Ministry under Dr. Larry Crabb.  My goodness, I loved learning under that man of God!  Those intensive weeks were such formative times for me, and the work within my soul.  God does that - uses people to lead us and help us to press in.  I got my certificate as a Spiritual Director and just kept thinking that it was going to help me be a better listener while I following the LORD in retreat ministry - the call that we received very clearly on our lives. 

In 2021 I decided it was time to meet again with a Spiritual Director, and that is where Cathy AJ Hardy came into my life.  I knew Cathy as she had led the two Silent Retreats for Women at The Mark Centre in Abbotsford, BC.  As well I had the joy of hosting Cathy for a night of music.  About 20 people met to listen to her sing and play, and tell story.   Reaching out to Cathy seemed like a good idea to me and so I reached out and asked her if she had room to take me on.  And she did.  

Meeting with Cathy coincided with me also entering into the Soul Care program that Cathy has developed and offers.  So for the two years of Spiritual Direction, I also was under her leadership.  And then I made an even bigger decision, and that was to apply to the Soul Care Spiritual Direction Training.

I was accepted and we began the two years of study last October.  At that time, I did change to another Spiritual Director who I am really appreciating getting to know.  

Me with my Spiritual Director, Judith 

Where am I going with this?  I am so thankful for all that I have learned, and grown in, and for what God has done in an through me.  In Cathy's book WALK WITH ME, she says "I believe that Spiritual Direction It's about walking each other home to the truth, beauty and essence of our souls.  I believe there's a mystery that we touch in Spiritual Direction that is eternal and beautiful.  Some would say this is the beauty of the soul.  Some would say that we are touching the Presence of God.  Some would say that it's the union of the two."

I am sharing this with you at this point as a number of you have asked me about my journey first with a spiritual director and also now as I am in school.  At this point in our schooling, we are looking forward (with shaky knees I might add) to beginning our practicum as Spiritual Directors.  We are looking for people who may consider an amazing opportunity to have a spiritual director for 6 - 1 hour zoom sessions - FREE OF CHARGE. Yep, no charge to you, except a commitment to show up for your zoom sessions, prepared to have someone journey with you.  Our teachers/leaders will be taking all the names that come in, and just to be clear, friends will not be paired with their friends.  There is a good reason behind this.  

IF YOU ARE INTERESTED - please email me at womenrefreshed@gmail.com or message me on facebook and I will send you the letter and the intake form.  Again - this is for 6 months free spiritual direction.  You won't regret it.

I am also attaching the link for the Soul Care program, https://soulcare.ca should you wish to look for yourself.    

If you want to talk more about it - let me know - we can talk over a cup of coffee either in person or by FaceTime or phone.  

Think and Pray about it,  and please don't wait too long to let me know :)

j

Enjoy this beautiful song by Cathy called COME TO THE TABLE

The morning of the day my Mum went home to be with Jesus (1996)

(Grade 6)

(20 years of age, 1978)

This is how I love remembering my mum <3

Today marks 28 years.  And this morning I will once again take out roses to the cemetery, and spend some time thinking about the mother she was to us.  28 years is a good chunk of my life.  I was just a month shy of turning 38 when my mum went to be with Jesus.   Its funny - I used to call her mOm but she always signed her name love MUM.  So it always seems fitting that when I remember her now, I smile as I write Mum.

It has been an interesting thing these past couple years as I have been doing much interior work, or soul care.  I have been thinking a lot of growing up, and my relationships.  And I realize that with my mum, my greatest times were after I graduated, and then when I was working and would come home for lunches, and then when I married and had the children.  I spent a lot more time with my mum during my years from 18-38 and especially from 20 onward once I got married.  I think it was the way that I had a different focus, and somehow just wanted to be with my mum more.  How I wish I had asked her more questions.  How I wish I had asked her about her life and written down story.  How I wish I asked her about the pain that made her sleep most nights in the living room lazy boy chair.  How I wish I asked her the things that would now help me understand myself during this last third of my life.  

My Mum.  I can honestly say that I never heard her ever gossip.  (My brother Tim is much like mum in this way and I have learned so much from him).  She never put down anyone.  She was gentle even with my dad who sometimes often pushed the envelope.  She was organized (man I wish I got that from her).  Mum was a woman who was always behind the scenes doing the lion's share of the work often.  When I think of the years that she ordered the food for Faith Bible Camp.  She was still doing this in the early 80's which means at that point it was almost 30 years.   But She. Never. Complained.   Even with the pain that I know she lived with.  (I need to complain less I guess)

My Mum loved Jesus.  I would often find her quietly in prayer, or doing her Bible reading.  She was consistent in her faith.  Not flamboyant or charismatic, but consistent.  

I had so much that I was just getting to experience with my Mum, and then she got called home to heaven.  She was only just 74.  But her body was weary from some late onset effects of the diabetes.  And her heart was affected too.  

The night before mum went to heaven, Tim and I stayed the night.  In the morning Tim went down to find some coffee for us, which meant that I had time to talk to Mum.  She had not talked to us since Wednesday.  The doctor had told us she would likely have a week, and Sunday, that morning, was a week.  I went beside my mum, and took her hand.  Alvin always said to us - "Keep talking to your mom because she can still hear you even if she is not responding to you."  So I talked to her.  I told her how much I loved her and how much we were so thankful for how she raised us, and how she loved us.  And then I told her that she could go, we would be okay.  We would miss her so much, but she had given so much to us, that we would be okay.   And all of a sudden two tears came.  I could hardly believe my eyes, but I knew that Mum heard me.

We watched Mum breathe her last breaths shortly after 1, and without any effort at all, she passed from this world, into the presence of Jesus who she loved and served.

I remember that like it was yesterday.  But today marks 28 years.

So, I will head to the cemetery.  I most often go alone.  Last year I went and took roses with my little brother Tim.  That will be a beautiful memory.  I actually kind of like going alone, as I can just be there as long or as little as I want.  I can listen to the waves of the lake lapping.  I can feel the sunshine on my face.  I can listen to the birds.  I can talk out loud (ya, I do when I am there).  I KNOW I am going to the cemetery for ME, only my Mum's remains are there - but for me, it is a small trek, and a time to remember.  I always take roses because I used to always buy roses for her when she was alive - for sure monthly, sometimes more.   

So today I will head out to the Balsam Bay cemetery - and chances are, the birds will hear me thanking God once again for my mom and dad and the legacy they left!  

When sleep does not come ... post?

The lettered framed pic is done by my daughter at my request a few years ago
 and the paintingon the wall behind it I bought from Faye Hall
at her home gallery show (think it was 2012)and is part of three paintings.  
This one is called HOPE
(I believe as the other two (not shown) are Joy and Peace) 

The night I wanted to sleep, sleep has not come.  I tried.  I honestly did.  I went to bed early, thinking that after I listened to my app Lectio 365, the evening portion, I would nod off into sleep land.  And then I listened to Lectio 365 again.  Tossed.  Turned.  Seemed that the sound of the tv at the other end of our suite was more than my brain could handle, even though it was not that loud.  More tossing, more turning. And then well, right about 11:45 ... the snoring began.  Seems he had no trouble waking up from a slumber in the lazy boy chair (always happens normally to both of us, perhaps I should have stayed in the tv area) and within 5 minutes of falling asleep, the snoring was profound!  I tried to stay in bed, I honestly did.   But finally I threw back the covers, grabbed my glasses and came upstairs.  WIDE AWAKE.

Outside it is pitch black.  Perhaps the stars are shining, but it is pretty hard to tell from where I am sitting.  Inside I have the one set of lights on, but otherwise the house is dark, and still.  Upstairs I have a couple retreating tonight.  I actually thought I would get to bed early since I have to be in the kitchen at 5:30, but it appears that was wishful thinking on my part.  Just too much happening in my head.

I decided to pour myself a tiny glass of red wine - perhaps that will help me to fall asleep.  I would take the wonderful "sleep juice" that I have in my fridge but being that I have to be up in just over 4 hours, I know that would do me in for at least 8 hours, so I won't take the 1/4 tsp of wonder juice!! (seriously the best thing ever invented for helping one sleep, but don't take it if you only need 5 hours!)  I am aware (yes, thank you) that screen time does not help settle the brain but does the opposite, but seriously, at this point I think I will be okay after I write this post.  

The tinnitus in my ears is loud ... always louder when it is so quiet, but it is pretty loud 24/7 for the past 14 and a half years.  I may see if I can get a white noise machine.  Supposedly that can help.  Sometimes the ringing is exhausting.  I have sympathy for anyone dealing with the same.  Just not fun.

But tonight, it is just other things adding.  Anxiety has been present these last days.  I once heard that "anxiety is unmet expectations" and I have been mulling that one over lately.  Ya, I guess you could say we have had some unmet expectations in our lives lately.  I was never one to experience anxiety until after we lost our grandson in 2008.  Even then I didn't experience it until a half year later when I encountered some hard things in my workplace.  And then it seemed that the anxiety laid dormant until a few years ago, and to be honest, not sure what brought it back up again.  But there it was.  The feeling is perhaps different with each person.  But you know when you know.  Let's just leave it at that.  

I talked with my doctor, and I also talked with a psychologist who was amazing.  I have been able to navigate through my times of anxiety although sometimes it is harder to get through the attack.  Years ago the doctor prescribed some tiny blue pills that she said to use if/when needed for anxiety.  It literally gave "take a pill" a new meaning!  Seriously.  Out of that prescription for 30, lets just say, I still have quite a few, but somehow it is good to know they are there in an emergency (if I can find where I left them!). Joking.  NOT JOKING. 

These little pills have been helpful when I have felt a panic attack coming on.  OR for instance, I took one when I had to have an MRI.  Or sometimes if I know I have to have impressions at the dentist office.  Yes, makes no sense at times what it is that brings it on, other times I have a hunch.

Anxiety is no fun.  It makes no sense.  It makes alot of sense.  (are you tracking with me). About two months ago I had such a big attack.  It was quite the test as it felt big and oh man, there were tears.  But I could not find the little blue pills (I take them with me like a security blanket when I travel, just. in . case and it seems I did not put them back). So in the midst of this panic attack, I realized I needed to navigate through it without them. And I did.  I began to do breath prayers.  And invited God into this panic.  I know, I should do that first of all, but TBT it was not my first thought!  I wept.  I breathed deep.  I prayed through short breath prayers.  And God answered.    At one point Alvin asked me what was wrong, to which I replied, 'I DON'T KNOW!" but when I was able to think better, I realized what it was all about.  That weekend three things happened which I walked in and through, and then when I got home, and quiet - BAM there it was.  And there I was - messy. anxious. broken and man, it felt so out of my control.  BUT GOD was there.  I knew it, and with His help, we walked it. However, the next morning it felt like this weird panic attack hangover.  Is that real?  I texted a bit with one of our best friends who said, yes, unfortunately that is real.  Hmmm....

UGH.  Anxiety.  Yep, it is real.  I see it all over the place.  I sit with people, and listen to their stories.  I pray.  It is like the plague of this time.  Invisible but so prevalent.  And in this all, we can call on God.  Today I talked with someone walking through anxiety and I realize it is no respecter of age, gender, nationality, or financial class.  We talked about how it is so hard at times WITH GOD and we agreed we did not know how people walked through anxiety without God.  (O LORD GOD, thank you so much for walking this hard road with me).

I was reminded again as I talked with a friend, that Jesus did warn his disciples by telling them that in this world they would have trouble.  No, he didn't say, out of you 12, one or two would have trouble.  he did not say, you might have trouble.  NO he said - you will have trouble!  Here is the verse from The Message:  John 16:31-33

Jesus answered them, “Do you finally believe? In fact, you’re about to make a run for it—saving your own skins and abandoning me. But I’m not abandoned. The Father is with me. I’ve told you all this so that trusting me, you will be unshakable and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I’ve conquered the world.”

I take comfort in that, yes even in the midst of any and all anxiety - that God is with me.  Sometimes I will be honest, I am like Peter who took his eyes off of the LORD as he walked on the water towards Jesus.  Guess I am not unlike others who likely do the same thing at times.  So thankful that God knows that!!

ANYHOW ... it is now 1:35 and now I have to be up in 4 hours, making pancakes lol but I have a couple more thoughts to write down here: I have been wrestling with many anxious thoughts over the past couple weeks up to and including today.  I think the enemy likes nothing more than to see someone struggling with anxiety, but as Beth Moore said once - "tell the Devil to get back to hell where he belongs!"  My anxiety comes from a place of unknown and when the "unknown" touches someone I love, then it gets tough.  My anxiety comes from a place of seeing sadness in they eyes of some that I love.  My anxiety comes from broken hopes and unknown future.  My anxiety comes when I hear of things that make no sense, but it is the reality.  God? WHY.  (this came today when I heard of another silent birth and I know the devastating sorrow that brings).  Anxiety.  No respecter of anything.  It just hits full on, with a vengeance.  

But this is what I know:  we live in a broken messed up world.  With God, it is hard, and messy and I would never want to walk it without him!  But some people do.  (I don't know how). I know that anxiety is rampant, but God knows that too and He is with us, even in the messy.  Like a parent that sits by their child as they are hanging over the toilet bowl being sick ... I know my LORD is with me, holding me up.  It doesn't mean that it is easy.  It sure isn't   But it means that HE is holding, carrying, and perhaps at times weeping along with me.  That brings some comfort in the midst of the ugly.  At least for me.

Years ago, I asked my daughter Ashley to letter something for me. (the picture at the top of the page) It is based on this story from Daniel 3: 16-18 - where Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego were going to be thrown in a fiery furnace because they were refusing to bow down to the king's image (because they believed in the living God!)  They told the King Nebuchadnessar that they were not worried about what would happen because they knew their God was able to deliver them!  And then they said "But, even if he doesn't ..."

I love this part of the verse.  (I encourage you to go to the verses for yourself and read the whole story.  God DID deliver them and they didn't even have a singe mark on them when they came out of the fiery furnace!!).   I love that they said, BUT even if he doesn't    This is what I believe   In all that I walk through, and in all that we HAVE walked through ... God is God.  He is Sovereign even in the times I am wrestling.  He is sovereign even in the times I am ranting about WHY GOD.  He is sovereign in the times of anxiety.    I know that these days have been anxious at times.  But I know that even if he doesn't deliver me (immediately, or ever, based on how I think he should ) that He is still God!!

Well, it is now two hours later.  My retreater came down for some water about half hour ago and was surprised to see me hunkered down in the corner, awake.  I really think that now I have put some thoughts to paper ... I can perhaps lay back down beside Alvin (who hopefully has snored through the snoring cycle in his sleeping pattern lol.  

For what it is worth, those are my thoughts. 

Night!  (or is it Morning?)

j