a Thanksgiving Acrostic

 

Thankful for ...

a Thanksgiving Acrostic 

Time each day, with those I love 

Hugs from my family - that never gets old.  H could also stand for Husband - He is a Keeper!

All of life experience, the good, the bad, the ugly, the hard - it has all made me who I am today

New mercies every morning - Thank you LORD 

Kids (by birth) Joshua and Ashley, and their spouses, Leah and Michael.  Love these 4!

Story ~ God is writing mine!

Grandchildren ~ Jay (in Heaven), Everett, Roger, Matilda and Maverick.  My life is rich!!

Imagination! The sky is the limit and God gives some amazing ideas! 

Vacation memories from Cuba this past winter, 2 weeks with our kids - pre-Covid.

Impromptu fun - thankful for a couple friends that we enjoy impromptu outings and visits with

Nature that shows me the creativity of God around me!  He speaks to me through nature

God - because without Him, I would be nothing!  He is my Strength!

just a Friday afternoon confession

disclaimer:  I hesitate to write about this - it is personal and real - but I believe that maybe one person who may read this, may be touched knowing that her/his struggle is real - and other Christians struggle too.  I don't believe it is a lack of faith. I am not sure what exactly it is, but I hope that my sharing may impact you in some way.  

I have a feeling we have all been in a struggle at one time or another.  Or call it a wrestle.  Maybe that is a better way of putting it.  However, for me this wrestle is getting old, but none the less - a wrestle.  Because for some reason, I just can not let go, nor can I feel like I have won.  And maybe it isn't even something I can let go of, or win at.  Maybe this is just my life, and I need to acknowledge it - and let God move in it.  I always think that I am giving it to him - but then it seems like I have taken it back ~ over and over an over again. While I do not believe it is a lack of faith - maybe it is? What IS at the core of all this? Or  maybe it is just my enneagram type speaking LOL.

My wrestle is with self-worth. (and maybe this is tied up with self-esteem)  Yep, there it is - in black and white.  Joy wrestles with self-worth.  I don't just wrestle once in a while - it is a day in day out tangible awareness.

What is Self-Worth?  Well I looked it up and this is what I found:  Self-worth is an internal state of being that comes from self-understanding, self-love, and self-acceptance. It's a state that is somewhat timeless and unchanging because it's a direct measure of how you value and regard yourself in spite of what others may say or do.

How does that happen?  Is it something from growing up?  Is it something that has happened along my adult years?  Is it something that I have missed out on?   When did this become a wrestle? 

As a young child, I don't remember ever feeling like my self-worth was in jeopardy.  Maybe I experienced it a bit (that being my self-worth) as a young adult... but I remember still feeling pretty good about myself lol.   My adult years, as a wife, and a mom, and now a granny my wrestle with self-worth has been real!  Oh. So. Real.  Yes, I know  - YOU'D THINK I WOULD HAVE THIS FIGURED OUT .. but not at all.

Back in 2013 when I went back to Glen Eyrie Retreat and Conference Centre, for my attendance at NewWay Ministry Next Step (school of spiritual direction, part 2) I had an encounter with God, that literally had me come undone.  So many tears ... so many words to the Holy Spirit ... so many thoughts.  And let me share with you what I think was the "bottom line" on this encounter - the LORD said to me "you want women to come and encounter me, and see their worth in the eyes of the Living God, and yet you do not believe it for yourself."   Yep ... that is what He said.  And being God, you know that HE was accurate in his claim about me.   

Our ministry was full of that, of pointing women to the LORD for their worth, but I did not believe it for myself it seemed.  God met me as I turned the key into my room door that night, and completely brought me to this strong admittance.  And in my tears I came before Him acknowledging that this was my struggle.  

That was 7 years ago this November .  SEVEN YEARS.  I remember more of what Larry said when I shared in class.  He spoke specifically to us women.  He told us that "You have to go to the Father first - as His affirmation of you, and your self worth is ALL THAT MATTERS and IF  you get your self-worth affirmation from your work, or family, or from. your spouse - THAT is a bonus.  Dr. Crabb underscored for us that what we get from people is okay, but all we should really need is the Father's affirmation of us!

I knew this then ... and I know this now.  I know that I am a daughter of the most High, and that in this life, I need to live for HIM, and to get my worth from HIM.  But almost 7 years later, I gotta tell you, I am still struggling to believe it for myself.  What is that about?

Last week I had a sweet friend retreating here.  Our friendship began a year and a half ago when she came for a retreat - totally worn out by the demands in her life - but boy did I see God work in her.  It was amazing to host her again last week for a few days - and to be able to sit with her a couple times to hear what God was up to.  Again, I could hear myself telling her what I felt God needed me to say but it was in her sharing with me, that God used the words again to remind me - that oh He loved me so much, and I was so precious in His eyes, and so valued!  Later we texted and I thanked her and told her that what she said was "so timely" ...   love how God does that - uses her to speak into my life with exactly the reminders I needed to hear!! 

So I hear those reminders.  And I say YES LORD.  But then, I realize within a short time, that I am still caught in the wrestle. 

I realize that my self-worth is so intricately wrapped around body-image. Thing is, I have been told that I just need to love myself, but somehow I can not love myself "like this" (usually associated wtih # on a scale) I can not let go of that part of my self-worth because the thing is, I KNOW I want to live healthier, and I also know for me (diabetes in family history) that I feel better when I weigh less.  The thing also about my self-worth and body image is that I want to live longer for my family, and what I am doing borders at times on self destruction.  I hate to admit this, but yes, my weight is so tied to my self worth ...  working with the LORD on this part.  Because what I have found, as much as you can tell a person that their body image should not be tied into self-worth - it just is.  Speaking for myself anyhow. 

My self-worth is also so bound by lies that the enemy has me believing and I do believe it is the enemy/satan that is at the root of these.  Maybe you don't struggle with lies about yourself.  But I do.  Last night I laid in bed, Alvin's arm around me, darkness, and God was speaking to me in that quietness about these lies.  Believing I am not worth ....  believing I don't have things to offer ...  believing that I am not beautiful because of ...   Oh yes, those thoughts were all there in the quietness of the night.  He was bringing them to my attention.  There in the dark, the Father was showing me that they occupy my thought life, and become "truths" that are not at all true!!  ANd the most loving thing is that when the Father brings these to light - it exposes it and the verse from the gospel of John where Jesus tells his disciples that "the thief comes only to kill, steal and destroy ..." oh my goodness, I get it.  But refuting the lies of the enemy is not for the faint of heart!! 

My self worth (I want it to be) is about the last part of that verse ...  Jesus did not just tell them about the thief coming to kill steal and destroy and leave it there .... oh no - this is the best part!!  Jesus said, "but I have come to give life to the full!"  The exclamations are all mine!!  You see, whether or not the "thief" was the enemy satan, I like to think that this is what this verse means.  We are in the real world - none of us would deny that.  And I think that in this world we live in - there are many things that are stolen, or compromised, or destroyed - and for me, believing in these lies are like that because it robs me of the fullest life that Jesus says I can have because of him. 

I also love The Passion Translation and it says it like this:

John 10:9-10

I am the Gateway. To enter through me is to experience life, freedom, and satisfaction. A thief has only one thing in mind—he wants to steal, slaughter, and destroy. But I have come to give you everything in abundance, more than you expect —life in its fullness until you overflow!

So you may ask - Joy where are you going with this ... You don't like what the thief is doing - you acknowledge that you continue to wrestle with self-worth and with the lies that the enemy keeps using, and you know that you want to live the fullness of the life Jesus has for you!  So how are you going to give this struggle over to the LORD once and for all and really truly believe YOU ARE SO WORTH IT?  When can you surrender it all once and for all and move on with this? 

And in the quietness of this room, as I am writing this blog on my computer, I am hearing my LORD speak to me, so I am going to go about just typing what I am hearing Him say, and letting you in on our intimate conversation as it unfolds over the next half hour or so,  I don't always share my God-conversations, but today, at this time, as it seems okay for me to do this:

"Joy, it is not because of your looks, your talents or abilities....

Not because of your weight, or your gifts or your service...

It is not because of anything you do in ministry for me 

Or in service for others.

NO!!  

Joy, you are so worth it because before you were knit in your mother's womb, I knew you Daughter.  You were fearfully and wonderfully made, and I knew everything about you from before, and to now, and beyond.  I hear your words, your cries, and feel your pain.  I know that you have a hard time believeing it when other people tell you something.  I hear you answer, "ya, sure" to them, while inside feeling like what they just said is nice but that they are just saying that.  

Joy I know you are not sure where this comes from and sometimes that is the thing that causes you to stop in your tracks, as if knowing 'WHY" would make you feel different. Sometimes you wonder if other people struggle with self-worth as much, and how you can move past it and just believe who I am saying you are to me!  

I want you to know Daughter of mine, that I love you with a love beyond description.  Your value, and your worth can not be put into words, but the picture I want to give you child, is the picture of my son on the cross.  That is how much worth you have!!  My son died for you and rose again.  This is the love that we have for you because you are worth his death!  

I see you.  I can feel your resistance to let me take this once and for all, but Joy, you need to surrender these lies and let me bury them at the foot of the cross for you.  The cross where my Son paid for your sin.  Let me take that burden.

Come Daughter, give the struggle to me.  Lay it down and rest.  Then believe the truths I am about to tell you.  That you are precious in my sight, and that I call you by name.  That you are my Beloved.  That there is nothing that you can DO to earn your worth - I give it to you, because of my great love.  The truth that I am around you, before, behind, above, beneath - and hem you in.  You know, those are the verses you love to recite.  I have heard you doing that.  

Come Daughter.  Rest.  Listen.  Believe.  Recall.

You are more precious to me than gold or silver, rubies or diamonds.  Human words can not describe my words of love and worth for you.  So trust me on it Joy.  

Trust Me.

I love you Beloved.  Love yourself too!  And know that you are mine - completely mine.  I've got this - and lean into me for your assurance, affirmation and self-worth.

Joy, I love you.  I've got this."

So ... He has spoken.  

LORD GOD give me the strength to keep surrendering the lies satan wants to feed me, at the foot of the cross and to carry YOUR truth hidden in my heart, ready to speak out loud when those times come!  

Friend, if this was for YOU today - if that is why I was supposed to bare my soul, so that you could also be spoken to - then I am glad.   In HIM we have freedom - and so let us walk in that!!

written with love,

j

ps:  I came across this sketch - and it speaks to my heart - I don't know who the artist is, but it was on a blog by The Sabbath Recorder.  

Autumn Melancholy

 

Autumn Dances ...

The leaves blow in the wind

Dry ... Brown

Crunchy under my feet

Wind blown

And like a carpet covering the garden paths

A bit too early for my liking however

As if that matters as autumn does its thing no matter whether we want it or not

With the wind, the leaves disapear off the trees

And all of a sudden the brilliant color

Turns into greys and browns

The starkness of barren trees

Reminds me that the cold I feel on these mornings

Is just a little foretaste of what is to come 

That is is just going to get colder ... and colder

And the garden's flourishing summer green will be just a memory

As it is heading towards its long winters nap

And once the snow falls (hopefully not for a while yet)

But with the first snow covering the garden

We know that it is then that 

It feels like we can take a breath 

Geese are flying overhead

At times they are so high, and you know they are headed for the south

However we watch other geese flying

First of all south and then back north, in circles

(In patterns that seem to resemble the way my heart feels at times these days)

A bit haphazard

Scattered

Anxious

They know that the loud booms in the early morning ...

are gunshots

Reminding them that their life and death is a mere bullet shot away

If the hunter is successful in his shot

Do these geese flying in what looks like circles

actually know that their life is in danger

That they can be flying one moment

And then not?

I wonder …

The Blue Jays are at the feeders 

And these days I can not keep the peanuts on the plate

Sometimes they land on the feeder and their crest is standing up

As they dominate the peanut plate

I always smile as they come one after the other

It reminds me of sitting and watching the planes coming into the Chicago airport - 

one barely lands when you see the lights of the next, and the next and the next

This feathered line up of Jays

Lined up on the porch banister, 

Or Sitting in the eaves waiting

Usually patiently

Pickup and shake

Trying to get more than one into their beaks

Sometimes returning with the peanut only to drop it

And pic up another one

Sometimes they sit at the empty plate, facing the window

and do their cawing

Do they know they are my favorite bird, 

and that their call catches my attention and brings a smile to my face

(do they know that - when I go out and fill the plate, and call to them?)

Inside my warm house

I have rearranged some seating so that now

I have a favorite chair situated in the corner

and turned so that the view of the outside is before me

This is where I breathe deeply and exhale even deeper!

Sit

Rest

Talk with he Lord

Journal

Pray

Watch

Think

This has become my place to have my quiet time with my LORD.

This is where we talk.  

Father to Daughter

This is where I imagine crawling up on to His lap

and just laying my head on his chest, and feeling the beat of his heart for me.

He calls me Beloved

And I know how loved I am!

The sun shines in

And God reminds me with his creation

Of his goodness

And his mercy towards me

Mercies new and fresh every single morning

Sometimes I take that for granted

Sunsets are brilliant from this vantage point

Always different

And as the darkness comes and the stars and planets shine

Once again God shows off through his creation

I sit in this place

In this quiet corner

With Him

And in the quietness inside

And the beauty outside

He speaks and lets me know again and again

What an amazing Father He is.

In this place I come often

My heart sometimes feels a type of sadness

Which at times I can not quite put my finger on

And yet I know that this melancholy is okay for me

The “happy-sad-pensiveness” …

I sit aware of my fragile being

Physical - mental - emotional - spiritual

I sit knowing that HE, the creator, looks at me, his created and smiles

He knows me so well ..

He reminds me of my favourite psalm 139

That it doesn’t matter where I go - whether I sit, or stand, or lay down ..

He is there

My heart sighs as I think of the words “he hems me in”

And realize I am never ever outside of his arms.

The melancholy never gives me warning

And sometimes it covers me like a big wet quilt

And if I am honest, I sometimes wonder if the old “black dog” is back in my yard

But the thing that is different is that I recognize it quickly

And am able to sit and talk with the LORD about it

And the Holy Spirit helps to discern and to guide me through the melancholy

And I realize it isn’t always a bad thing

But it is real, and I believe helps me to be able to walk alongside of another

When needed

And it seems like lately, in the ministry I am involved in - God is using this in my life

To help me minister to others

These days especially it seems

that there are many people needing someone to sit with, someone to listen, 

someone who will care enough to pray for them...

And for that Holy Spirit, I am thankful for your presence, your wisdom and guidance

It seems that this season

Carries with it a type of melancholy that is characteristic of fall

Beauty along with ashes

Joy along with sorrow

Life along with death

So here I sit

In the cozy corner

Writing these words while being conscious of the birds at the feeder, 

The gentle sway of stark grey branches

The look of trees still with green foliage, as if tempting fall to come and change them

I sit warm and protected

Knowing that I am also loved, held close, and kept warm

By the embrace of the FATHER

Leaves continue to blow

Branches sway

Dead leaves swirl and gather into piles

Sparrows and nuthatches share the seed

Bluejays collect peanuts

(hopefully the mice are not foraging seed that is falling below the deck, and stuffing the vents in my car with it)

Music plays in the background

And my soul … thank you LORD ..

My soul 

It is well