This is what I know ... at least for today

This is what I know … at least for today

I am warm

I am safe

I am so loved

I am feeling peace in the depth of my soul

There is no storm to run and take refuge from

At least not right now

But I am not naive enough to think that a storm will not come

When I least expect it.

I am glad I am not in the midst of a storm

I look out the window

As night has fallen once again

And all is dark

But I hear the wind blow

The chimes give it away

Along with the whistle of wind over things on my deck

It always seems stronger when the night is dark

And one can not see the wind causing the snow to blow in gusts

That fly into your face should you be out walking

Causing one to pull flaps down over ears, and coat collars tight around ones neck

I am glad I am not outside

The light in the. Yard has come on

Illuminating our front yard and part of the neighbours

It is funny how a little light can make a place more inviting

I love the light and often have the house lit up like a fourth of July fireworks

Whereas my husband would much rather turn lights off and only leave one or two shining

But as I age, I feel like my eyes need more light

I am glad that I can still see where I am going, 

And can see the light shining on my path.

It is still inside

Only the sound of the wind

Sound of the chimes

And the strong exhale of my husband as he sits beside a puzzle

Trying to do with one eye, what he normally does with two

Recovering from eye surgery will do that to a person.

It is quiet in this place

We are quiet.

I am glad that we enjoy the company of each other

And allow for times when presence is more important than words.

There is something about this day

The one that gave way to night about an hour ago

The calm breath of a Sunday

We both stayed home from church today, just because

Today, we both just needed to be home

I just wanted to be here where it was quiet, still, and just the two of us

It has been peaceful as I have sat in the chair that I also came to at 5 this morning

When the night paused and I awoke

And ambled upstairs

With warm fuzzy blanket, heating pad, and nice lazy boy chair

I am glad for those times to wake early, change locales and to just be

There is something about life these days

The quick and hurried pace of retreat ministry

Has given way to a slow intentional time

Of rest

Of conversation

Of a few cups of coffee

And a lot of time dedicated to allowing the body to slow down

To rest and to recover

To renew and restore

I am glad for these times in my life

Where what I have promoted for the past 13 years, 

I am able to experience myself.

LOVE is with me

LOVE is around me and within me

I am exceptionally content

In a place that I have not witnessed in quite this way before, or ever

A place I can not fully put into words

A place within that feels new and life-giving

While waiting in a threshold of my life

I am glad I can feel this, and can anticipate the adventure ahead with much hope.

And I am fully at peace

Without delay and right on time

Night has come

And this is what I know ... at least for today .

This House of Ours

a view from my chair

I sit in the house, our house, one that we have lived in for 13 years and 4 months.  The lights are off and I am sitting in the great room, where just a short time ago, was full of my siblings, and conversation.  And now my brother and sister in law are upstairs asleep, and my sweet man is downstairs.  I got the crepe batter ready to make crepes in the morning, and the white sauce made for the crepes.  Tomorrow we will begin making them for when our kids come.  

Tomorrow, Boxing Day is when we celebrate our Christmas this year.  We used to alternate when the guys were firefighting, so now we still do, And when Josh and Leah are at her parents, then that is when Ashley's kids are at their dads.  So tomorrow we look forward to being together to open gifts and just enjoy the family being together.

We are thinking that this will be the last Christmas in this house.  This time last year, the grandkids did not know that we would be selling, so they were apparently glad to have one more Christmas here.  For sure there will be pictures. Our house has not sold yet, and we took it off the market on Dec 1, and will relist in maybe Feb.  SO we can enjoy our house, and we really have been enjoying it.  

I am thinking of the house, and what it has seen in the last 13 and 1/3 years that we have lived here.  This ole house has:

• been Granny and Poppa's home for all of their lives.  This is what they have known and have jumped on the bed, thrown things from the bridge, and run races around the island.  My grandchildren have loved this space
• welcomed people we did not know when they came, and yet they left as friends
• heard the cries of our hearts
• also heard the symphony of praise that has come from our hearts and voices
• hosted many retreaters for sleepovers, but it has also hosted our grandchildren on overnights.  I will never forget the time that someone found Maverick's tippy cup tucked in between a couple pillows
• been full of hugs and kisses.  We have sung our grandbabies to sleep, kissed ow-ies and told stories
• been a place where we could pile in the hot tub,  it being a great place to spend with our grandchildren, playing in the water, but also watching for shooting stars and satellites
• been a space for drinking coffee with our kids over good conversation.  I have loved the times when there are some unexpected coffee visits
• been a space where dreams are shared and plans are made
• also unfortunately been a space where shattered dreams have been shared
• been a refuge in many ways
• been infused with Holy Spirits presence and tangibly felt
• been covered with prayer from the start, and is still covered with prayer
• been a place where secrets have been shared and kept
• entertained our family over breakfast's, lunches and suppers too numerous to count
• entertained angels unaware as well
• hosted life groups and a very close "Sisters Loved By God" group, and continues to this day
• heard prayers offered on behalf of friends
• been so quiet as my QUIET TIME with Holy Spirit has happened daily
• been cleaned by a young woman who has become a sweet treasured friend
• seen us celebrate birthdays with our family as well as Christmas, New Years, Easter, Thanksgiving and well just LIFE together
• been thoroughly enjoyed - a house full of friends over events and meals and coffees
• has been a place where as family we have sang along while our son and or daughter played on the guitar
• listened to our old piano being played
• been sat in my corner prayer chair and watched the blue jays
• been and seen and experienced even more .....

You see this house of ours has become a testament to the goodness of God to us and our family. We have gone through some hard things in our lives together, but one thing we know is that God is so faithful and even in the hardest of times, God is there with us. This house was built with the love of family. And it is with love that we are able to continue to meet for another Christmas, to share, and talk, and eat together, open gifts, share the WORD together, along with perhaps a mid aft snooze. 

We are glad that we were able to spend today with our siblings except for one brother.  We are glad that Tim and Jody could come from Kelowna and stay one last time here as this has been their home base since they moved.  We are glad that the laughter will permeate these walls.  

If these walls could talk, I believe they would talk about great joy, some sorrow, and a whole lot of love.

I wonder, once we have moved, and when the new person will one Christmas sit here in the silence, if they will be able to hear what has happened over the years.  

If I am quiet, and the sounds in my head cease ... I can imagine it.

And until the day that we are leaving, I will be thankful for all this house holds in love and memories.

Not everyone has those and so I am not taking them for granted.

Guess I should get downstairs now, as crepe making time will come soon enough.

Night John Boy (some of you may not know that reference lol)

I can almost see that ole house with the lights being turned off.

Guess mine needs to go off now too ~ Night.

with love

J

Hello Darkness My Old Friend

 

I sit in the comfy confines of my chair

Gazing out the window where creation has transformed into a proverbial winter wonderland

As if the Creator himself is shaking a huge water globe 

And the flakes are loftily falling

Being caught by the wind in a dance of the snowflakes

I breath in the beauty 

As I drink my tea, Earl grey with Cream and a little too much sugar (probably) but no one else will know because I’m not sharing 

The afternoon is a lazy one

With the making of lunch past and supper future, being the only 2 things on my agenda

I love these snow days

Where I can stay in and listen to the wind chimes expressing their music in a symphony of praise 

The daylight is slowly turning towards night

And knows we are one night closer to the longest night

Where darkness falls sooner and lasts longer

Making room in the day for more stillness 

And a chance to experience darkness as a friend

The words of the ballad “Sounds of Silence” play in my thought

“Hello Darkness my old friend”

Who would think there could be gifts in darkness

I’ve known darkness that brought me to my knees

With the cries of my heart mingled with tears

But the darkness of this night coming is different 

December 21st

Midwinter has come.

The winter solstice

Wildlife will hunker down early

Streetlights will come on early and stay on longer in the morning

The darkest night, a time to sit with the radiance of a candle

Light shining into the darkness

For me, representing the Light of Christ into this world.  

The gift of stillness ~ In a season of over-fullness

And a chance to breathe in and out

And to receive the gifts that this silence, this stillness, this longest night has to offer

The gift of darkness ~ a time of quiet reflection as we go in to ourselves and search out what it is we are feeling, knowing, seeing in this dark

The gift of darkness ~ a stillness

Time to sit with the LORD whom I now refer to as LOVE

A gift of rest ~ to celebrate this time where creation is still, stars shine

Creation and the Created we all recognize this give of the longest night

And celebrate this time to breathe and receive.

“Darkness is not the absence of light; 

it is the womb that births the sun.”

 - John O’Donahue

If these old hospital walls could talk!

He got many MANY drops
Drops to dilate and many other drops
 and also Iodine drops to make sure it is clean
and a sticker that says "LEFT" above his left eye
to make sure that they do surgery on the right eye which is actually the LEFT one! 
You always have to do a double triple 
quadrupel check before the sticker is place lol 

looking down and outside from his window
towards the parkade

Well, it is late.  Outside the snow is blowing and wind is howling and I am about to hunker down for a sleep.  My son Josh is picking me up at 7 am, so I need to be ready to go.  But first I want to write down some of my thoughts.

Today I spent from 9 am till 5:20 in the Misericordia Hospital that is nestled between Maryland and Sherbrook.  It was a long day, I won't lie.  Let me back up a few weeks.

October 30th, I had surgery.  It was not life threatening, but a surgery that hopefully would help alleviate the pain in my lower back, which arthritis has made its home. My surgery was on a Thursday and it was at the Victoria Hospital.  I stayed in over night and came home - and enjoyed a very quick, pain free recovery and one that I regret not doing many years ago.  Enough said, if you are really curious, just email me lol.

HOWEVER prior to that, on the Sunday, in the week hours of the morning, I drove Alvin to the Emergency Eye clinic at the Misericordia.  We got there at I think ti was 5 or 5:30, and he was seen quickly and told to come back in the afternoon, and an appointment time was given.  So we went.  Alvin ahd been seeing some flashes of light in his one eye.  He has gone to a specialist for a few years, as he had an "eye stroke" ... back last fall, he finished getting all the needles in his eye, and was given a good all clear from his specialist, to just check in yearly.   ANYHOW these flashes of light in the same eye were concerning as we wondered about a detached retina.  He saw a doctor there who gave him the assurance that it was not detached but a "gel" issue as he is "getting older" and sent us home and he was told to come for a follow up with the guy.  Well, Alvin really wanted th follow up to be with his specialist, so that was made.  We had to wait a few weeks, so I went into my surgery at least knowing he was not done for the count at least not then, which was good, as I had to heal enough to be able to drive lol.

Well the long and the short of it - he went for his check up and doctor found two tears in his retina.  he had a procedure done in Misericordia two days later, and then a check up,  And then told to lay on his one side all day, with only short breaks to be up.  He was very obliging and obedient and did not complain.  And then went for the next check up and unfortunately the one tear had not sealed ... so he had more work done on that area.  That caused much pain.  AND more laying on his right side (so that the inserted gas bubble in his left eye would float to the right positon as he laid on this right side).  And the another check up on Monday and Alvin was really hoping this would be the "good to go" visit, but no.  He would need surgery, not just a "procedure" but he would have to come in, have surgery and then stay over night.  That is what he had today.  A long day of fasting - until finally after he returned to his room at 5, he was able to eat.  He shared that surgery had gone well the speciallist said, and that now he had to be face down vs on his side. But he was happy that he was not in pain, and that part was done.  

I came home, careful of the icy roads.  My boy will drive me to the hospital in the morning as it seems the snow is blowing and wind is howling, and who knows if my car will make it off the yard, but he is certain his truck will ... and going with him I will ot have to park as he will pull up close and wait in the car, and work on his computer while he waits.  I hope to hear what the specialist has to say when he comes by to check him out at 7:30 am.

SO that is the reason why I was in the old hospital that we have been in many times since Dec. 2.

Today however, as I walked through the halls, I had a vivid memory of my Granny.  She was someone I loved so dearly.  My Mum's mum.  And she was diagnosed with blood and bone cancer in 1975,  Perhaps she had it earlier, without knowing.  It seemed my Granny always had pain.  Arthritis seems to be within our family heritage.  But her pain became more, and she ended up in Misericordia Hospital.  Not sure why she was taken to that one - I am sure the others were around?  But there she was.  And today I remembered the one time that I wanted to go and see her.  I was living in the city and going to school.  Living in a dorm off of Henderson meant that buses ran often.  I remember deciding that I wanted to go and see my Granny, and taking the bus.  Misericordia is not in a great location, and I am assuming I had to somehow transfer? or maybe walk form Portage.  Regardless, I will not forge finally getting there and running in only to find out that visiting hours were over.  I believe I just went back home.

My Granny, to my recollection was not in a long time.  I will not forget standing by her bedside hearing the fluid in her check and seeing them suction her.  I will also never forget hearing her scream when they turned her in her bed.  My Mum said that was because of the bone cancer, and the horrific pain.  Those memories of my Granny being in a position where she was lingering in what seemed like a lot of pain, will always remain in my memory.  And then, on a night when my dad had convinced my mum to go home to have a rest .... my Granny was escorted into Heaven, with no one around to witness her transition.  My Mum was so broken over that, and I am not sure if she ever forgave herself. 

My goodness I loved my Granny.  She was a feisty old gal really.  She used to sleep with me in my room, and i always remember her taking out the beautiful velvet "Crown Royal" bag that she kept her pills in.  It seemed like there were hundreds lol but she would open the bag, and open each container and take them out, and then down them in a handful with a glass of water.  Then we would lay in bed and we would talk as we were falling asleep.  I loved when she stayed with us.  I also loved when I stayed with her, and her and I would sit on the couch (where I would later pull out, make up and sleep the night on) and cheer for her favorite wrestler.  She noticed everything.  She would comment when I got my ahir trimmed.  (That being said she was responsible for a most famous short haircut that she gave me once lol.). I truly thought my dad handled that one pretty good, as I alway shad long hair till it became an under the ear bob.

Back to the MIsericordia.  I walked the halls and told alvin that the memory came flooding back to me so vividly.  Not sure why today.  And also the memory of us going to visit my brother in law Nelson when he had a kidney removed, perhaps 10 years after that.  

The hospital seemed old then, and now it is that much older, and now an eye hospital.  I mentioned to Alvin, as I put something in the closet in his room, that the wood smelled like the old wood you found in homes.  It just has a certain smell to it.  And in the room that was the visitors waiting you, you could tell it was once a room for patients, as there was stil the rails on the ceiling for the curtains, and other tell tale signs.  

They have done a few revisions obviously, and there are signs for more.  But is it still old.  The thing is, its history is so very intriguing, I encourage you to take a look and read!!  It is amazing what began as "The Misericordia Maternity Hospital opened in February 1900 and was incorporated Wednesday, July 19, 1900, under the title “Winnipeg Maternity Hospital” in the Province of Manitoba."  https://misericordia.mb.ca/wp-content/uploads/mhc-history-book.pdf

Life is like that isn't it. Time changes.  Things age.  WE AGE!!  We have heard that a few times ove the last year ... oh my those aches, that arthritis ..."well it comes with age" ... and then the eye issues "come with aging" and yada yada ...  I remember one time when my dad said he told his doctore that he knew he was an old car, but he still wanted to run well in the age he was!  That is our feeling too.  We may be old models, but we want to be running well lol.

So tomorrow I will hop in my son's truck (Lord willing) at 7 am and head to the Misery as some call it. And I will go to the 3rd floor, walk that old hallway to the end and find my sweet guy.  I hope he has a good sleep.  With a healing eye, and the shades pulled in his room, he won't have any sight of what is happening outsside.  BUT in the meantime, with each hour, our prayer is that his eye will begin healing more with each day ... and that he would continue to have the quiet determined patience to meet each day with his head down so that he can heal.

So thankful for Dr. Dukaran his specialist!  He is pretty incredible!  We thank God for him.

With that, this gal is heading to bed.  Night.

j

Prepare

 Prepare

The sun is shining in through the window, and the sky is an endless blue

Almost all the leaves have blown off the trees

Leaving them a forest of grey sticks, with nothing to cover their nakedness but sunlight

The pine trees slightly moving with the breath of wind

They look regal

Standing straight and tall

Overseeing the area, like soldiers

Overnight frost has melted

Birds flitter here and there enjoying the seed put out for them

It is still except for the sounds of creation

The whispers as it gets ready, hunkering down

For what’s ahead

Snow will fall as much as we don’t want it to

Ice will cover roads

And people will once again complain about road conditions

As if they have never lived in this place before

Its just what we do when the season of winter approaches

Yet we know that the snow covers the land 

Looking like a blanket of diamonds

And the sun shines ever so brightly off the radiance of the land

And it gets cold

Real cold

But we are used to that to

Or as used to it as one can be having grown up in this place

This sunshiny blue skied day brings joy to my heart

I am happy

I am healthy and 

I am inside a home that love built

And my soul is well

This does not look like the fall we had expected 

The sign at the endif our driveway is an indicator that the house is still for sale

And we are still here, in our home

It is quiet here

A daily reminder that ministry has concluded.

We obeyed God on that, on the word that “it was time”

And although no everyone understands

We know, full well, that God’s timing is always right.

It is not always fully revealed however it is always the perfect time

And we feel that in the depths of our being

I loved ministry

Loved hosting people

Did not always love the steady cooking but making the meal an experience for people

Complete with candles and placemats

Was a joy that was allowed to me during the almost 13 years of ministry

And to serve was a gift God allowed, and used I believe, to bless people

Especially young moms who very seldom were able to sit and eat breakfast, let alone a hot one,

And also a breakfast that she did not have to make!

To be honest, I love that too.

Being served something that I was not in charge of cooking

I loved ministry

Being invited to sit at a table with people

And hear their hearts

To speak into their lives when given the opportunity

And to be able to pray with and for and over them

I have not cried over this decision

In fact from the depts of my being has been something that God has resurrected in me

My kids have noticed especially

But I have too.

A feeling of aliveness

Of Feeling released to live fully

A feeling of being able to enjoy my home for a while before it sells

And some people have noticed something in me - a “lightness”

A difference in my countenance

When I feel something that others see, my heart sings

This has become a time that is wide open 

And a time to bring in rhythms that breath a combination of some discipline into my life

Or maybe it is order

It does not feel like work, but it feels instead like new breath

The candle I light at the beginning of the morning

Acknowledging the presence of LOVE

Father God, Jesus and Holy Spirit

With me always

But acknowledged out loud in this way

A time to sit with LOVE 

The soft gong signifies the start and the end of my time in sweet mediation

LOVE knows that my thoughts are sometimes hard to keep silent

It is a discipline of stillness, and sitting with Holy Presence

Will I ever get to the place that I am actually just being instead of making the list in my head

Oh LOVE I am so glad you know my heart and soul and love me all the same

And then time to read the WORD. 

Taste and see.  

Read and Listen

Write the ahas on the daily passage

Your Word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path

I do not think I will ever tire of the feel of the thin pages in my Bible

Or the sound of them turning

Like music to these ears

I sit close to the window

So that the brightness of the day shines into the room

And I can watch the birds in the yard, and the swaying of the trees

And hearing the wind chimes singing the melody that also bring such soothing to my heart

Creation calls and I see LOVE in creation

The creation that LOVE made and creation that we get the chance to live in

As I sit I am sometimes just in a place of being with the Almighty

Pen is still but my ears are perked waiting to hear anything that the Almighty

speaks

I love the times of being

Whether it is in the silence of my home

Or in the quietness of a church called into prayer

Or in a morning meditation time led by a good friend

Or in my spiritual direction time with a trusted Director

The encouragement to sit and be still

And to listen

Let’s listen to see what LOVE has to say to you this morning

And within the first minute of the stillness I hear

PREPARE 

And then the words do not fear

Hmmm 

Prepare ?  Prepare for what?  

The words telling me not to fear feel like an encouragement

These words stood alone for couple weeks while I continued to go into my morning rhythm of centring prayer

Using the word LOVE gave me to mediate on

PREPARE

Breathing in

Breathing out

Prepare

Do not fear

And after about two weeks of sitting with this word in my time with LOVE I also heard

Prepare

To be excited

Okay … are those my thoughts?

I am reminded of the words from Jesus “my sheep listen to my voice and I know them, and they follow me

Yep, that is me

Following LOVE on this adventure

This unknown time to prepare

This time of being in a threshold that is taking on bigger dimensions all the time

But there is no fear

No impatience

No angst

Just a quiet full surrender and anticipation of whatever comes

Whenever

I’m trusting that.

Yes, today looks nothing like I thought it would look like

When we began talking with people back in April

It looks nothing like we thought it would look like when we listed the house for sale

Our lives felt like a perpetual period of keeping the house “showing worthy” 

And not messing up things, so there was little to clean up if a showing happened.

It looks nothing like we expected but at the same time the sun is still shining

Sky is still blue

YES leaves have gone from brilliant green to colourful autumn and to now the bare grey sticks

And yep, all is hunkering down for a long winter’s nap

All is well with the world ….

And all is well with my soul

I will sit in this threshold time

A time to prepare 

Only LOVE knows what that is about

This season of preparation, of rest.

A season of reflection while everything sleeps, awaiting the time of new growth in spring.

And I am content in waiting to see whenever it happens.

Because this is not the full story, there is more to come

Much more

I feel it in the depths of my being. 

Rumi was quoted as saying "don't think the garden loses its ecstasy in winter. It's quiet, but the roots are down there riotous.”

I think that if I am quiet enough to hear, and still enough to feel

I can hear those roots having a party!