Sinking in ...

It is sinking in. I, after 7 years in a "paid" ministry - have given my resignation.
Many of you have asked how it feels - and I guess I would describe it as: exciting but scary, exhilerating but a little anxious; gives me life but takes my breath away at times. I guess you get the gest of what I am feeling.

Never once have I thought I have done the wrong thing. Never once have I ever regretted following the Holy Spirit as he guides. However, I do know that it is sometimes a little "scary" (not really the best word) but I guess, not knowing what is ahead - is a little scary!

But, I know HE holds the future and MY future in the palm of His hand. I know He has taken me through some exciting adventures, some dark valleys, some mountain top experiences, and miles and miles of just plain "prairie" roads through my journey of faith. When I look back at what He has done, and also what He can do if I let him - then why would I ever be scared? Okay, it is the human part of me - the part that yes, "likes my ducks in a row!!"

So, at this point - there are 68 sleeps till August 31st which is supposed to be my last day and then, I am working until I can see the Community event happen (since I am planning it) on Sept 3. Then, I am done. And that is what is sinking in.

Once in a while I think, "okay, well, what could I do - since I do want to work SOMEWHERE, at least part time" .... "maybe I could answer phones somewhere (sometimes I wish I had never given this job up at McIvor)... "or maybe I could work in an office" .... or as someone said to me last week as we sat in Tim Horton's that "maybe you could get a job here." And just when I think I have to work it all out, I hear HIM speak and say, "I have it all under control Joy - I have it under control."

And then there are bigger things on our hearts - like where does God want us? where do we worship? If we were not at McIvor - what friends would we always see - actually, during our time off, there were a couple handfuls of friends who were our "church community" that surrounded us, connected with us, talked, listened, cried, gave wisdom. They were from young to our age, and man, do we love these people! I have struggled with "what the institutional church is all about" and have come to believe that it is about community, but we can find that in many ways. We are in a caregroup with 4 young couples, and they have breathed life into us over and over again, with their transparency and vulnerability, and their ability to ask us hard questions and not run when we answer! (Terence, Mia, Russ, Lisa, Joanne, Leroy, Mel and Jon - you will NEVER know what you have been and mean to us!) This caregroup was our "church" for three months when we were off on my leave.

So many thoughts - seems sometimes the thoughts become so big that I don't even want to journal them in my journal!

It is all sinking in - my countdown to the rest of my life -or the next stage. I am feeling stronger. I am also realizing that everything is filtered through our experience of losing our Jay - Everything! We are moving through each day, and moving through our grief. We are getting stronger. When I envision my heart, I see this picture of a heart with broken pieces that have almost come together, but they are jagged and frayed. With strength also comes another filter - the filter of friends. I feel like I am able to "give" to others again.

It is sinking in. I want to line up those ducks! I want to live fully - I think I am finally understanding the phrase that I took from our young friend Jer "GO BIG OR GO HOME" and I really, even if my knees are shaking - I am loving this.
It is all sinking in - as I am approaching my grandson's birthday and the day Jesus took Jay home to heaven - I am realizing that time ticks on whether we want it to or not.

So Lord, thank you for your guidance on my life and Holy Spirit - for your voice which guides and for your power and presence which stills my shaking knees!! As I count down, help me to trust that you have it all under control! Perhaps there is a job that you have in mind, at least part-time - help me to trust you Lord! Thank you that you have all my little ducks in a row! Help me to trust - O Lord, help me to trust.

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days wehn you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. I will be found by you," says the LORD.

>