shaking like a leaf

This has been a hard week.  Ya, crazy I know.  Why would Christmas week be hard? Actually I often find Christmas hard - you know, there is the fast and flurried activity leading up to "the" day.  I always want to make Christmas all about the preparation, the waiting, the anticipation of the whole season of advent - but somehow I always end up with the same feeling - you know, the one that is akin to the feeling after a wedding (sorry I realize that not everyone may have experienced an after the wedding feeling but it is something I can relate to).  There is the long wait ... the preparation ... the build up ... THE DAY ... and then the aftermath of emotions!  NOW that being said - first of all let me clarify that Christmas Day - well - absolutely NOTHING can be better than being surrounded by my family - husband, kids and precious grandkids!  Oh man, this Granny's heart was pretty full of happiness!
But the day after - I knew it had hit - as it has for Christmas's before.  For some reason, I didn't anticipate it this year - actually never even thought about it - until Boxing Day - when the house was still and quiet, and my cloud of thoughts hanging over me! But as I mulled over, worked in, journaled through my thoughts I realized something.  I am shaking like a leaf as the opening of our place is drawing near.
Shaking
like
a
leaf.

There ~ I said it.  I put it out there in black and white.  The thought that I have had for a few months now, has just been put into writing for whoever reads this blog to see.

Yes, here I am - 12 years later since God laid this call on my heart.
Thousands of dollars later
4 moves later
2 years later
and I might add a very TIRED husband later
when it is absolutely too late to turn back now (because we are fully committed)
and I am
shaking
in
my
boots.

S-H-A-K-I-N-G

Now that THAT is out there, I want to explain more.
This shaking - I believe (really) is a good thing because it really is all about feeling inadequate, about feeling insufficient for the task ahead, it is about the unknown and all my questions and fears and yes, sometimes doubts.
AND all that - really means that I realize I can do NOTHING in my own strength.  NOTHING.
It is all about Jesus - all about HIS call on our lives - all about what HE is up to at 5839 Henderson.
ALL ABOUT HIM.

I recognize this "shaking" partially.  I remember feeling it right at the beginning, when I first heard God  calling me to this and I remember reading all about Joshua and God over and over and over again kept telling Joshua to go and have courage and be strong because God was with him.   I also was reading about Moses' call to ministry (and boy was THAT a call) and sure enough ~ Moses - I think he was shaking in HIS sandals too!  Why else would he try to convince God that Aaron should go instead.
I remember thinking "Me?  God?  Really?  What do I know about women's retreat ministry - I am a DAYCARE DIRECTOR!" (no, I didn't yell at God, but I did emphasize my side of the conversation!

Over and over - God told me to Go - He would go before.
He told me over and over - "Joy - I have a plan for your future."
He told other people to tell me that "He is going to do something big for Him, through you - so Joy you better fasten your seatbelt cause you are in for a ride."
Yes, I did shake in my boots at the beginning too. I guess I had just not shaken so much!

It is just now - it is getting closer.  People ARE emailing - they are asking questions - they are interested.  People already WANT TO COME!! (shake/shake/shake)
God IS in all this and well - He is just really telling me to just keep doing what needs to be done.  I am still fully committed!  WE (my husband and my kids) are!

SO I will pull myself up by my bootstraps.  I will continue to acknowledge those feelings that hang over me and work through them.  Fear can stop us dead in our tracks and Lord, Please - I want NO fear here!  A good friend once wrote to me in an email, shortly after I was hired to pastor. (imagine a church being brave enough to hire someone without seminary!! and only LIFE EXPERIENCE)
She wrote, "God doesn't call the EQUIPPED but he EQUIPS the CALLED!"

That is my confidence.  That is my prayer.  That is my story today ...
I covet your prayers.

As I wrote this, the line from a Rich Mullins song, Hold Me Jesus Cause I'm shaking like a leaf - was running through my head.  So here is the song.  We can always be reminded how powerful God is in our lives - and I am so glad about that!!