Chicken, Sweet Potatoes and meaningful conversation with Larry

Tonight I sat down at a table and within minutes, Larry (Dr. Crabb) and his wife also joined the table. I felt this mix of excitement and fear!! lol.  Excitement about what the conversation may be that takes place.  Fear about the same thing.  Healthy Fear (I think)

Larry (as he would rather be called) asked how our quad went this afternoon.  I shared some of that with him.  (Quad is a time spent together with 4 other people, talking about the assignment given).  After we talked about that a little I shared a bit of what I went to bed on my mind with last night.
He had revisited the topic of "conversations that matter - because they delight the Father; reveal the Son's heart, and provide opportunities for the Spirit to do what he most wants to do."  And then he asked us to think about conversations that fail to reach that bar.

My mind went immediately back to a time, while I was in leadership, that I had shared something that was very personal, and someone I worked with said something very hurtful. (this was not new for this person, but his response this time was at a time when I was very emotionally low and really hoped that someone would be there for me - if nothing else - at least to pray with me).  I had shared how I had once almost drowned physically, and now I felt like I was emotionally drowning. Later that day, my coworker felt that we should talk (I suppose) and poked his head into my office and began by telling me "those were very strong words you used" ....   the rest of the conversation I will not reveal, just suffice it to say, it went pretty downhill from there.  And no, there was no prayer either.  So this was the conversation that I remembered immediately when Larry asked us to think about a conversation that failed to reach the bar of delighting the Father, revealing the Son's heart and providing an opportunity for the Spirit to do hat he most wanted to do.

So tonight, as we ate supper, I told Larry that when I went back to my room last night, and got ready and crawled into bed, the memory of that  conversation made me feel sad again.  And then I shared how in SSD of October 09 when I was in my triad, I began to share something hard that happened to me in Kindergarten - only to stop in my tracks and I said these words, "Oh my goodness, I just realize that what I felt in kindergarten with that teacher, is the same way a co-worker made me feel often."   I told him about my "aha" moment in the middle of my conversation within my triad.

HOWEVER, I proceeded to say to him how last night, when I recalled all this, while it momentarily made me feel that pain and sadness again ~ the overriding feeling was one of seeing where God had brought me since the rawness in Oct 09 to this point, November 2013, and all that God had done in me, and with me, and yes, in spite of me in the last 4 years.  And the forgiveness, and joy, and growth.

4 years.  A lot has happened.  God has been at work.  I resigned from pastoral ministry.  We left the church that had been our home for over 30 years.  (HUGE DECISION that was made out of alot of feelings of hurt, however in retrospect, I really believe for a number of reasons that I would gladly say over coffee, but would rather not share here - I believe we would have left regardless of dealing with the pain and hurt).    And then we moved, and lost a mother to cancer, and built the ministry house, and in between those years added some grandchildren to our family.  And now, a ministry God laid on my heart in 2000 has been in operation for 7 full months.  God has been at work, and has changed our hearts, and has brought healing, and spiritual health.  He has continued to write our/my story and he still makes the hair stand up on my arms, and causes me to loose my breath at times!  God is just like that!!

Larry and I had more conversation - and towards the end of it, we talked about how my kindergarten experience and my experience with my coworker made me feel "stupid" and "less than" and how it has shaped me in such a way that I often feel like I don't have anything to offer, or I may not want to try anything, or say anything because of the fear of being called out in front of others, and made to feel stupid.  That feeling .... it is so real. And it drives my response (or no response) in certain areas.  Sometimes I wish I could tell my past coworker this, but I really don't think he would get it. That part, for his sake, is truly sad.

Larry encouraged me to think of something as I went to bed.  He had asked how my mom or dad had responded to me as a 5 year old.  I had no memory of telling them - maybe I did, maybe I didn't.  Can't remember.  Then he asked how my husband responded when I told him of my co worker's time(s) of making me feel stupid. (yes, there were several times before the one that hurt so much)  And then he said ... as you go to bed, think of what God would say to you, that would make you simply delight in his response to you.

So.... this is on my mind as I get ready for bed ... and will be no doubt as I drift off to sleep.

God, you know about my experiences with people who have made me feel stupid.  You know all about me, and how those experiences come out of a core terror.  (A core terror is a deep fear still living within that seems to require and justify that which makes us present as more together than we are)
God you know that I hate to be made to feel stupid.  And because of that, you know that it limits me in many ways - and it also makes me stifled from feeling fully alive for you!  Lord, I ask that you would work within me - and help me to hear what it is YOU want to say to me - O Lord, I want to be living a fully alive life!!  Please Lord, speak.