hello old friend, its been a while

This statue is at Mission Hill Winery in Kelowna

It has been a while since I have blogged here.  In fact, its been a long while - just over six months of a while.  I have missed it.  I love to write.  But life has taken on a life of its own so to speak, and I have found that I have done little writing anywhere except my journals, which at times are haphazard in themselves.   But I am here today - while in the middle of a babysitting stint for my two youngest grandchildren, one is at preschool - one is at school, and I am finding myself here at my favourite old haunt with a large London Fog tea.  Ah ...  it feels good to be here for an hour or so, and to breathe.

When I realize that it has been half a year since I posted here, I can hardly believe it.  I guess all the posts I thought I wrote are just in my mind.  Yep - my mind.  Often swirling with thoughts that are impacted by deep emotions.  My mind full of feeling "on top of the world" and then "feeling messy" which actually feels like it is more messy than anything.

I know that messy is ok.  I have no doubt that #Godsgotthis .  I often look at my arm which wears a #Godsgotthis black band as a reminder that in the messiness of life - He is fully God and fully Sovereign and fully in control EVEN IN MY MESS.  And that's good, because He knows I make a really terrible job of trying to keep things under my control!!

To recap the last 6 months - since I wrote during the time that I was looking after my "grand dog" at the time because my husband was away doing work with Mennonite Disaster Service (MDS) in Texas for two weeks.  It was such a good experience for him.  I have to admit I was a little jealous of being left at home but I knew I could not go and expend the energy at working in the kitchen, when that is what I do all the time in a volunteer capacity for the ministry here.    Then we had our fundraising dinner - which was a great night and we thank God for those who came, and the donations that came in.  Its alot of work but we are always so glad to have done it.  The day after, I had taken a speaking engagement at a church women's night.  It was so nice to tell my story, and I thank God for those opportunities.  I have told him - if HE wants me to speak and provides the opportunity, I will follow in obedience.  In June Alvin went on his motorcycle trip.  Now to be clear, he would welcome me to come anytime - but I just don't think I could handle such a trip.  Having struggled with some hip and back issues, I need to pick my battles lol.  SO I bless him to go, but TBT I really would have loved to get away somewhere for 12 days as well.

We went into summer - knowing we had two summer students who would be helping us with the garden.  Thankful for that.  We could not do the garden without help.

Normally, the ministry pattern is such that June gets slower and winds down for about a month and a bit and then winds up again and goes into fall head on - full strength.  But summer was unusually constant and there was a three week period of back to back people.  That is great - but for this introvert - it means I have to be proactive at self-care.  And, I am not always on the ball in that department.

Suffice to say - in many ways - summer was one of my hardest in many ways.  And I went into fall struggling. Maybe that word sounds dramatic.  For a person to see me, you may never have known.  I am as good as most that I know, to wear a good facade.  To answer "good" when I am asked how I am.  Life becomes a bit like a game of making moves, anticipating how one will have an affect on the other.  Inside, I knew what I felt.  On the outside I did what I needed to.  And I plodded through the last week of August and first three weeks of September much like someone sloughing through quicksand.  You have the mental picture.

During that time, I took the advice of my son, to connect with a counsellor/therapist who does EMDR (an evidence-based therapy) for unresolved trauma or recent trauma.   Like Rebecca said - we all go through BIG T Trauma but we also go through small t - trauma ... meaning there are many things in life that add up even if we just cast them aside thinking it was no big deal.  Meeting and sitting with RD has been life giving.  She is a believer which I think is even more helpful when walking through some life stuff with a counsellor.  

The other thing that I have seen as key to some transformation is being able to spend hours with the LORD.  Sitting.  Talking.  Worshipping.  Praying.  Journalling conversation. Just "BE-ing"....  and I realized last Friday that I can "breathe" again.  

I had chatted with my doctor about how I was experiencing some anxiety as well.  I was not one to experience anxiety - but had my first episode back in 2008 after we lost our grandson, and I was being pushed into some emotional corners at work.  I will never forget that day - I thought my chest was going to blow up.   During August and early September, I began to notice that feeling again. It was not a good reunion believe me.  

I guess I just bring all this up, to say that summer and fall were hard.  I knew who my LORD was and my relationship with him was good.  But I was still dealing with some past trauma and it wasn't feeling good.  Things that were currently were compounded with things that I thought I had dealt with in the past ... and all in all, it was just plain hard.  HARD with a capital H.  I am thankful for a good husband, family, a couple good friends who prayed me through this time, a great personal trainer who has not give-up on me (yet! LOL), a wonderful massage therapist who I believe also prays over me,  as well as a good MD and therapist, and know I could not have walked through those weeks without any of them, and most of all without God.  Yes life is hard - but oh man, I can't imagine life without Jesus.  It. Would. Be. So. Much. Harder.

NOW after sharing all the above - I can only imagine that at least one of the people reading this will ask me via message "Joy are you okay?  what is happening?"  And I want to say - I really REALLY am good!  REALLY.   I have come to understand myself so much better in the last month or two, and I am thankful for how God is chiseling, and forming me into more of himself.  It doesn't always feel good - but let me tell you - the end product is going to be amazing!!  WHY?  Because that is what God does!!

So, as I sign off for now (which is a week after I started the top part of this post) - on the evening of then first day of October - I say - I am thankful.  For so much.  My family.  My friends.  My prayer warriors.  The ministry God has called me to....  So thankful.  Since this time last week, I have had the privilege and great joy of watching first of all Ash and Mike's kids for two nights, and then now, as I type, I have our oldest two grandchildren upstairs in beds - fast asleep - as Josh and Leah are away this week.  I am so thankful for these grandchildren of mine - extensions of me - and expressions of such love in smaller packages!  I thank God for this joy in my life.  

So again - today - October 1st. I say thank you Jesus - for your love, for your incredible grace to me, and for each day that I can grow - and love others.  

I am so grateful.  

Those are my ramblings,

(for all they are worth lol)

Love, 

j

PS.  So, this song is one of my favourites.  It is an old song - but I love the words.  It is a song of thankfulness - and I also would say it is MY tribute!!  To God be the glory!