Giving it to God - one rock at a time.

Well today I have to make another trip with a few more rocks. I "thought" I laid them down last week - in fact, last Monday I went for my walk in the back, and took a black felt pen with me. I figured I had to "name" the rocks that I needed to give up/lay down at my "altar". This has become a physical place of giving up and laying down. There is something about finding rocks and carrying them to the altar and leaving them there. Something about actually doing the physical part of "laying down".

Last week I laid down rocks that I had labelled "rejection" and "self-worth" and "insecurity" .... it was so strange, after returning to where I had ministered, and spoke last Sunday at the worship night on "praise after lament" ~ I should have known that the week after would be hard. It just usually is, as it seems after publically acknowledging something there is a struggle. At least for me!

So I laid them down last Monday. However, as I rounded the corner coming towards my "altar" I walked and wept.... allow me to backtrack.

On Saturday, a week ago - I went to meet Alvin as he had gone out to the back, but I wasn't ready, as I was working on my little talk for Sunday night. So I met him, and realized he had already walked past the "altar" in the back. We didn't talk about it.

As we walked, we did not return past this place, but instead walked through our forest of Oaks. As we walked, we came past a tree with a flat tomb-like stone that was propped against it. Somehow, in my travels I had not noticed this before. I asked Alvin where that came from and he said he propped it up there a couple weeks before that.

When we went back in the house, and I read my little sermon to him - he said, "oh is that what the little "innuckshuck" is back there on the property.

The next day - which was a week ago Sunday, the day I was to give my talk. Alvin and I again went for a long walk. As we walked past the altar, I told him that I thought we should NAME the big tombstone (and I said exactly what I thought we should name it) and that we should carry it over and lay it at the altar. He joked and said, "you mean we should kill it?" meaning the "thing" we were naming, and I said - "No we need to LAY IT DOWN!!" Believe me, we have been wrestling these giants for a year now! That was the end of the discussion for that day. (we had already spent the morning with our coffee cups, talking through stuff, mostly in regards to "church" and all that conversation opened up.

So, let me return now to a week ago Monday - when I was walking out to physically pick and lay down rocks on the altar - you know the ones I was going to label rejection, insecurity and self-worth. As I was thinking of looking for some "ugly" rocks to represent these, that is when I saw the big tomb-stone like rock. On Sunday - Alvin had unknowingly to me, gone back out to the tree, picked up the rock, and carried it to the altar, and put it down. (Just the day before my friend Elizabeth had encouraged me and said to me that perhaps Alvin needed to lay it down!) How prophetic her words were!!

Well - when I saw it, I wept - and the thing is - I didn't label that one with the black felt marker, but he and I both know what/who it represents and why we need to lay it down. And, my little rocks that I labelled that day - are directly related to the big rock.

A load that I would not have been able to carry too far myself. The little rocks seem hard enough to carry a long way! I realize that I may continue to "lay it down Joy" "Give it to God" over and over and over again! Maybe my act of "laying it down" will go on for a very long time. (O Lord, please not, let me give it up completely and have it never rise to the surface again!!) Till then ... I will continue to lay it down, give it up ~ one little rock at a time. I honestly have not carried such a load that somehow continues to bog me down.

Which brings me back to today - and the way I feel - the way God and I met this morning, and giving it to Him first thing as the sun was rising. (in typical old-Joy fashion, the way I feel can not be dealt with by consuming more brownies and peppermint cookies!!) Not sure why it continues to be so hard to give up and totally get rid of. Maybe I will carry chips of this rock until I die. I hope not, as it is one of the heaviest burdens I have ever carried.

I am so thankful that I don't carry this burden alone. First of all - I would not be able to stand under the weight of it - if it were not for God! Honestly - He is the one who continues to give me strength. I would not be able to stand under it, if it were not for Alvin, who shares the load with me, and carries a burden much like the symbolic one he laid down. I would not be able to stand under if without the love, support and prayers of our kids, who in their own way, are carrying their own little "chips" from our boulders! Somehow that happened. And, we all would not be able to stand under it, were it not for our close friends, who have become a true spiritual caring community! We are so thankful.

SO - today, I will walk AGAIN. I will find rocks AGAIN and lay them down at the altar. You'd figue it would be getting lighter and lighter (this load). I keep praying that one day - I will lay it down and never have to do that again. That I will be able to finally, stand up and breathe! I know it is a work taking place in my heart as well. Only God can do and finish that work. Thing is - I know HE totally gets it! God is God and God is good!

Everyone Needs 7 touches per day!

Today was a day FULL of hugs... actually this weekend has been -
Alvin, Ashley, Michael, Joshua and Leah, Mom.
Elmer, Jeannette, Char, Terrilynn, Jane, Judy, Karis,Irene, Agatha, Tana, Willy, Betty, Trudy.
Maria, John, Lenora, Elsa, Elvira, Lilly, Ingrid, Sarah, Elleanore, Tante Rosa, Uncle Hein.
Laura, Ryan, Janna (and I got to hold and hug little Addison)

They say that everyone needs a min. of 7 touches a day!! I believe we all need this!

So why if I have been so hugged - have I run to "comfort food" today... especially this afternoon. After weeks and weeks of cutting out white flour, white sugar and just taking one day at a time - WHY did I turn to this place of comfort. One thing I realize is that I have a much better understanding of myself, and my emotions. I just wish I had such a good understanding of ME that I didn't run to food for comfort. I am so fickle! O God, forgive me!!

While I have been trying to "process" my day (mixed in with the hugs) I have realized that I have also had some very meaningful conversations. However, I am also totally aware of "conversations and hugs" that don't happen anymore. That is especially sad for me. Hurt does some weird things to relationships. Hurt and misunderstanding. Sometimes I just get so angry over it all.

And - it makes me feel unsettled. (and I run to comfort food) Restless (so I run to comfort food). Caged in feeling (ya, you got it - I run to comfort food) Did I mention that today, I was surrounded by chocolate!

I hate operating with "unfinished business" or "misunderstanding and hurt." I just don't like living life that way! I was the mom who used to drive to the school and take my kids out of class so that I could say "I'm sorry" and "I love you." Both of my kids will remember those times when the principal called them to the office for me!! I was raised to "never let the sun go down on your wrath" as the Bible says. I don't think that I had ever before come to an impasse. Until this summer. And months later - I am still trying to figure out how to work through it all. If nothing else to bring peace to MY soul. I can only work through my junk.


Today, I have been trying to process my thoughts and feelings. And again, Alvin and I have spent time trying to talk through it... I talked and he listened tonight. I am trying to decide - is it my pride? God forgive me. I really need you Lord to work through this stuff for me because I am obviously not walking ahead in total freedom. (but I want to)

Minimum 7 touches a day. O God - thank you for those who "moved into" my life this weekend, and who dared to just hug me. And.... let me hug them. Thank you God for the "community" of friends, of which we are a part, and who dare to step into our lives and just continue to love on us! You guys know who you are and I just really you to know, that we really love you. Impromtu visits, texts, emails, coffee's, suppers, visits and hugs, sometimes mixed with tears, have never been so sweet. You know who you are and we thank God for you.

As I process tonight - I realize that while it is so unsettling, some people are able to live with this on their chest, but I just can't. I just really want to do the right thing Lord - I just really want to do .... the....right....thing. O God - in your mercy hear my prayer. (And Lord, can you please nudge me when I am on the way to the pantry!)

"Remember to get the right nutrients every day including hugs and kisses." Valerie Bertinelli in her book Finding It: And Satisfying My Hunger for Life Without Opening the Fridge

they will be like STRONG Oaks!!

** this picture is from our walk today – from the only oaks left standing in the pasture that was cleared many years ago.

As well as a second picture to show you part the dead poplars – I think they look not just dead but desolate – what a picture of spiritual deadness….

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I just came in from a long walk – me and Oreo. The cats aren’t as enthused about walking with me now that I have been going longer and farther. But Oreo is faithful.

When Alvin is home – he and I go walking together. When the kids are here – we often go walking together as well. It is just a time when bonding naturally happens while out in creation.

On Sunday as Alvin and I were walking – I decided to ask him why there were so many big dips in the field at the back. Now, you have to know about my man. Honestly, I have NEVER met a man like him – ever. That is a big compliment. I think I have blogged before about him – about how he is a “jack of all trades and master of all of them!”
The kids used to (not as often) shake their heads and laugh as we would be talking and Alvin would go off on a real-life object lesson. The thing is – he just knows A LOT. And, what he doesn’t know – he reads about, or studies until he figures it out.

The other day when we were walking – he told me that the “large bowled out area” in the back – the area that often turns into a pond in spring, complete with ducks – well he reminded me that his dad was sure that a meteor had landed there – because all of our land is basically the same level – except for this area – a round bowled out area. Really, if you look – you can actually imagine it!! I think Dad K. was a thinker like Alvin too – guess the apple didn’t fall far from the tree!!

Anyhow – back to Sunday – and our walk. So, as I walked I decided to ask him why there were so many hollowed out places – I knew we had the land cleared in the back – so were all the hollowed places where rocks had been? If so, where are all the rocks now? Alvin told me that wherever there is a big hollowed out hole (which is now grassed) it is because a big oak was taken down. At the time, we were just going farther into the bush – and he pointed and showed me that in certain areas there are no oaks – just black poplars. (It must have something to do with acidic soil perhaps). Then he talked about how poplars die from the inside out – they die, and eventually just break and fall over. (Alviin has been pulling quite a few dead fallen over poplars off of the fence line). But then he went on to say that when you clear land – and if the bulldozer/cat hits and oak, it just stops. Oaks root systems are deep, and complex. So then he said, the bulldozer/car has to begin “taking the oak down” by hitting it further up the tree and pushing. Eventually what happens is the whole root system pulls out of the ground, as the tree is pushed over. Often in the root system, there are some stones, etc…. it all just comes up and the tree lays down flat, root system pulled out and exposed completely.
Then, what is left is the big hollowed out hole!

So today as I walked – I thought a lot about that. Last week I came across the verse from Isaiah 61: 3 NLT
“To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes,
A joyous blessing instead of mourning,
A festive praise instead of despair.
In their righteousness, they will be like strong oaks that the Lord has planted for his own glory!”~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you get that – He is giving me some amazing things!! Beauty for ashes – joyous blessing for mourning – festive praise for despair AND He is making me into a STRONG OAK for his own glory!! O Lord – thank you.

As I walked I realized that I never want to be like a poplar that rots on the inside out and just breaks off when it gets a little windy. NO, I thank you Lord God – that you are making me into a strong oak.

Today as I walked – I walked and prayed again for my family – my man, my kids, my grandbaby. I prayed that God would raise my grandbaby that we are anxiously and excitedly awaiting for in a bit over three weeks - to be a “mighty seedling that will one day grow into a strong and mighty oak!” I thank God that my kids love the Lord – and have become strong oaks in His power as well. And me and Poppa Oak – we are thanking God and loving our kids! Little Acorns do grow up!!

today's schedule

Got up (later than usual)- what's with that??

Now - off to the important things for today -

Quiet Time with the Lord (Lord, what do you have to say to me today?)

Breakfast - nothing like steel-cut oats with cinnamon, raisens and cooked apples/cin and a touch of honey on top!

Exercise - going to walk - gotta find another stone today - it is called "feelings of rejection" (more on that some other time

Dance Pad - still loving my dance pad - moving to some good christian tunes! Keeping track of minutes and steps! (Breaking 10,000 steps a day is harder than I thought)

Christmas Garland with Lights - it will go up on my railings inside today. I love the look of the little lights - at night they cast a glow over my living room and it just feels so peaceful.

Vacuum - can't NOT do it after the garland goes up - makes a little mess!

Work on the "program" for our extended Klassen Gathering this coming Sunday - I volunteered since I am the only one with no job and time on my hands! Now, where can I find a Kereoke machine and Christmas songs?

Coffee tonight at Grace Cafe with one of my friends, Joanne: I love how visiting with other women is so nurturing to my soul. Like water to a dry land. I guess as an older woman, with raising of kids behind me - I do have some things to offer younger moms. I look forward to this time together, which happens few and far between.

Other thoughts on my plate today - someone told me that many people I know need to be nurtured, and that somehow she thinks I have a place in that - she had talked to me prior to my finishing at McIvor, about whether I would "plant" a church. She thinks my job is still to be "pastoral" even though I am no longer a paid pastor.

I don't think that I ever wanted to plant a church. When my kids were commissioned to plant a church, just before we experienced Jay's silent birth - Alvin and I always thought that we would do what was needed to support them in the new plant. Obviously this plant did not happen. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out why. Lately however I have been LONGING to just get a few together to "do church" ... I think what I am really starving for is feeling like I belong somewhere, and also longing for authentic, honest and vulnerability. You know - being able to take off a mask and still feel like there is a community who dares to do the same. Big thoughts - they will be on my plate today. I KNOW people are looking to be cared for... I know. I hear it often. I feel it myself. God - what do you want me/us to do for you? Please speak.

This is my schedule - gotta get off this blogspot so that I can get going on it.
Hope your day is a wonderful one!!

Invited to speak on Praise after Lament

*** this photo is slightly different than the "altar" photo from a couple days ago. On Friday - I was surpised to find an very old brick - way out in the back forty!!
I picked it up and decided to put it as part of the altar. To me - finding an old brick in a pasture way far out - seemed like an "unexpected" thing - and it reminded me that life often holds unexpected surprises that sometimes make us happy - sometimes sad - sometimes remorseful etc....
That is why I brought the brick forward - to represent the things we think are "buried" but continue to rear their ugly heads!!


About a month ago I was asked to consider speaking at a Worship Night hosted by the Adoration Band at McIvor. My kids - Ashley and Michael - are part of this band. When I got asked I wasn't sure if I could do it - I still felt stuck in lament. But this past week God has taught me alot - feel free to read what I prepared and delivered. Before I got up to speak - I texted Alvin. The text said - "please pray. I am second guessing what I am going to say." Before I began to speak - I asked for the song YET I WILL PRAISE YOU LORD (by Vineyard) to be played with the words on ppt. This song has become my anthem - my "life song". It is the song Jeremy used for the background of the dvd he made with our little Jay's photos on it. Normally it makes me weep. I had this song played and then got up to speak - I had prayed that the words that God gave - would fall on hearts and perhaps even have an effect on one!! Perhaps it will have an affect of your heart - regardless - may you be able to PRAISE HIM!!

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Worship Night Talk: Praise After Lament (Sunday, November 22, 2009)

July 25th, 2008 was the first time I heard that song. Jeremy Hiebert who is a family friend, and a photographer, had come to the hospital and taken pictures the day our grandson Jay Benjamin was born silently. Jeremy put the beautiful pictures into a DVD with this song attached. YET I WILL PRAISE YOU LORD…
This became a song that spoke into the deep deep places of our grief. Grief that came out of no where – and launched me into places I have never before experienced, and pray that I will never experience again.

As I listened to this song – I could not even fathom how lament and praise could be part of the same song?
Even in the darkest valley – I will praise you Lord.
I found myself saying – Praise you Lord? – There is nothing in me that felt like praising.
My laments began with phrases like God – WHY?
God – I don’t get you.
God – didn’t you hear our prayers? Didn’t you care?
God – I don’t even think you were faithful!

The past year and a half has taken me on a journey punctuated with lament .
I found myself lodged smack dab in the Psalms – they became dear to me.
As I read them, I found a mixture of sadness, anger and helplessness. The concrete language of the lament psalms is directed to God - sometimes as a complaint but almost always as a petition.

They enabled me to give expression to what was on my heart!
I felt secure in knowing that David dared to express the deepest thoughts of his being – and he was still known as a man after God’s own heart.
This brought me comfort.

The lament out of my mouth – spoken aloud, bathed in tears, or journalled was full of questions and doubts. Sometimes expressing what I felt as disillusionment with God. In my lament I felt raw, vulnerable and exposed.
At first I was shocked with my own lament – but I began to understand that I would not breach my relationship with God because of my honest crying out.

Lament was the avenue I needed to express the pain and suffering in my life – and I came to see that it was through this lament that I could truly experience healing and restoration of hope.

I came to understand the importance of and need for community to surround me and my family – to help us find healing and hope. It is through healing – through hope that we can begin to praise again.

I learned that lament is more than just bemoaning hardship. Lament is about seeking change – it is primarily an appeal for God to intervene in our lives. It is about a journey from doubt and fear through faith to confidence in God. And through the periods of lament I began to see the thread of joy that was woven through our sorrow.
I knew about Joy. Joy is diffent than happiness. Happiness is based on your feelings about something. Joy is different – and I knew that joy is what could turn my heart toward praise. Because it took my eyes off of myself and onto the Lord.

Praise after Lament.

As the psalms of lament had given me to express my sorrow –
I knew that the psalms of praise would give expression when I was looking for adequate words to praise the Lord with.
It was jut that often, coming through the dark valleys - I felt like praise was foreign to me all of a sudden.
It felt tentative at best. Like I didn’t trust the words that may come out.
Or maybe I didn’t trust that my heart and lips were even capable of praise.

So it was when Ashley called one night after meeting with Theresa – and asked Mom would you consider speaking at our next worship night.
What is the theme?
Praise after lament.

Honestly I wasn’t sure they had asked the right person. But something within me said that there was something to share – something about the story that would ultimately bring praise and glory to Jesus.

At that time that Ashley asked, I was walking in another valley.
Lament was once again my expression.
Psalm 42 could have been my personal psalm – except for the part about praising God.
“why am I discouraged. Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God. I will praise him again. My Savior and my God.”

Praise him again?
Somehow I was struggling to speak praise.
In fact – praise felt like an old friend that I hadn’t spent time with in a while.

Life was not going the way I thought God would make it go!
Wrong or right – I was basing my decision to praise, on the way I felt.
Bottom line – praise was just not a part of my last month.
For some reason, I was resisting. (perhaps even behaving like a spoiled brat who didn’t get her way)
I did know though – that my whole being just wanted the cloud of lament to life.

God – well he kept whispering to me… the same things – more often. Guess I was not listening like I should have.
“Spend time with me. Don’t try to orchestrate what you will do – just come and be with me.”
He strongly impressed the need for me to give up time I was spending aimlessly on the computer.
NO agenda. I was not to fill my day with busy “God times”
He just wanted me to wait. And rest. And just try to be conscious of His presence with me.
I had a strong feeling there was more and that God would make that very clear to me soon.

Within a couple days the cloud of lament lifted.
And then God did impress on me that yes, now I should spend intentional time sitting at my dining room table with the Word open in front of me –there were things that He wanted me to see!
Reading, memorizing, jouralling thoughts on the scripture I was reading.
5 minutes easily turned into an hour before I knew it.
And some mornings I believed I needed to go and literally lay face down before him
So I did.
And I began to be surprised at how my heart changed. Praise began to bubble…
I became even more aware again of my brokenness and need for repentence
I began to feel more healing and restoration.
I saw how God was redeeming my broken and shattered life.
All of a sudden praise became an expression instead of lament.
~~~~~~~~~~~~

I want to share something with you about this past week.
I love visual reminders of God in my life.
I love it when God puts things across my path that I know are only orchestrated by him! Some people call these things coincidence – I call them GOD MOMENTS.
Seems God did that a lot this last week of my life.

When I felt the cloud of lament lift from me - it was very tangible.
Unlike other times, I knew that THIS TIME – I needed to mark the day where lament and praise met.

SO it was that on Monday – I went out to the back where I have been walking daily. I knew that I had to do something that would be a visual reminder of lament turning to praise. I knew that I had to physically build an altar – and to name what I was laying down before God. And to spend time praising Him.

I picked the place – right at the corner where I turned to head further out on our land.
And then I began to collect stones.
My choices were purposeful – some were rough, jagged and ugly. Some were little, others were bigger. One was smooth and beautiful.
I carried stones from all parts of the property, including one from as far back as I walked.
I named the stones I had put down – grief – hurt – pain – sorrow – loss’
I also laid stones of praise!
I assembled each one with deliberate thought – and stood back and dedicated the place to God.
I spoke out loud – I praised – I sang the words that Steve Bell sings – here by the water – I’ll make an altar to praise you.
Out of the stones that I’ve found here. I’ll set them down here rough as they are.
Only you can make them holy.

Even my dog seemed to sense a holy moment, as he stopped his wandering and waited quietly close by.
At that time, and since – the lament of the previous month felt like they were a million miles away.
And praise felt at home within me once again.

I was able to praise God for how he has taken the shattered pieces of our heart and begun putting them back together.
I was able to praise God for my first born grandson Jay, in heaven.
I was able to praise God that even in tragedy, He had brought beauty from the ashes.
And was also able to praise God for our little grandbaby who we look forward to welcoming in less than 4 weeks.
I was able to praise God for what He is going to do – even though his plans are much different than we thought they were.
I stood there that day, and each day since as I walk past this altar and speak out loud – praising God for WHO HE is – and for what He has done and what He is going to do in my life.

I have come to see that lament is okay – because it moves us toward God –
Even if things don’t go as I expect, or want, or pray for, or dream – God is GOD and He is true to his word. And he will always bring joy in the morning.

This past week – a couple verses spoke into the deep places of my soul.
Isaiah 61:3
To all who mourn in Israel
He will give a crown of beauty for ashes
A joyous blessing instead of mourning
Festive praise instead of despair
In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the Lord has planted for his own glory!

Isaiah 57:15
I live in the high and holy place with those whose spirits are contrite and humble.
I restore the crushed spirit of the humble and revive the courage of those with repentant hearts.

I have come to realize that sometimes I stand in the way of praise.
Sometimes my heart needs to repent – so that the praise can come forth.
I have come to once again remember that my praise to God is not continguent on what I have gotten from him, or what I feel like at the time –
No – my praise is because of what He has ultimately done for me –
Giving his live for me on the cross – because He loved me.
Rising again – and giving us the Holy Spirit to live within us and fill us with resurrection power.
Giving me hope that one day I will dance with the Trinity – and that my praise will go forever – and then, there will be no more lament.

In the meantime – I will walk each day with God - and it will be really hard at times.
I guarantee that if you haven’t encountered that yet – you will.
I’ll be the first to tell you that I have often asked God WHY.
Sometimes I am too busy acting like a spoiled brat when things don’t go my way – or when I don’t get what I have prayed for or asked God about….
I have come to see that this spirit of entitlement always destroys a spirit of gratitude.
It’s hard to praise then.
I have found that when I do praise (especially in the times I least feel like praising) something amazing happens.
It seems that my heart opens up to what God wants me to experience in greater measure – his love and forgiveness, his goodness, his faithfulness, his mercy, and his grace.

I figure that when I choose not to praise – I just quench the Holy Spirit within me, who wants me to experience the fullness of Christ in my life.

Have I finished lamenting? I am sure there will be more to come.
Will praising God always be as easy as it feels in this moment today – not likely – somehow in our human –ness – it is not our first nature to praise God first no matter what.

But I do know that there is Praise after lament and I can say with the psalmist in Psalm 40:
“I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,
and he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along.
He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what he has done and be amazed,
They will put their trust in the Lord.” (New Living Translation)

Friday

thoughts from today...
- a kiss good-bye from my husband as he left for work at 6:30. Enjoyed a little more sleep while he went off to work.
- a nice hot bath to help my stiff body move ~ my fibromyalgia seems bad again today
- Quiet time with my Lord - reflecting on 1 Thes. 5
- Still struggle with the verse "Be thankful in all circumstances ...."
- God is teaching me - one verse at a time
- looking forward to having lunch with my sister-in-law
- Alvin took the car to work and his truck would not start ~ a battery issue
- had to cancel our lunch together :(
- went for a long walk in the back forty (Oreo is so happy when I do this!)
- captured more pictures along the walk
- enjoyed a walk 'n talk with the Lord!
- just as I was coming back into the yard ~ God "kissed" me again with the sight of a big bluejay
- watched Dr. Oz - like this show, although the "bed bugs" segment was gross. I have been up close and personal with such little critters while travelling to the DR on our service trips.
- enjoyed supper with my kids tonight - all four of them. Well - including baby who is still "incognito" there are 5!
- laughed alot tonight!
- loved the warm weather again - above normal for this time of year. No SNOW yet - bonus! Decided this year I have to get proper and warm clothes and boots for outside walking in winter.
- drank some good coffee today!
- exerised for 70 minutes between walking and dancepadding!
- it has been a wonderful day in so many ways
- put the cradle up in Ashley's old bedroom so that when the baby comes to visit I will have a nice little bed ready!
- just slightly less than 4 weeks till I get to hold my second little grandbaby!
- off to bed at 1 am. (regardless of the time that automatically gets put on the post) I think I had too much coffee as I am not feeling too tired yet.
- God is at work, changing me, renewing me, restoring my broken heart and crushed spirit. I am so thankful that He love me so much! Only God could love me in the state I am in, and have been in! God, you are good.... you ARE. Today my heart is feeling what my head knows. Thank you Lord!

Isaiah 57:15 New Living
"I live in the high and holy place with those whose spirits are contrite and humble. I restore the crushed spirit of the humble and revive the courage of those with repentant hearts."

Isaiah 33: 2 NLT
"But Lord, be merciful to us for we have waited for you. Be our strong arm each day, and our salvation in times of trouble."


Friday - has come and gone. Lord, thank you for this day and renew me tonight as I sleep and may Saturday be a day where I can see your fingerprints all over the day.
I love you Lord.
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... I'll build and altar to praise you, out of the stones that I've found here..

Yesterday I walked. I walked to the "back 40" with (you guessed it) Oreo, Vanilla and Louis! Once again, the "incredible journey" in real life. I love that my animals love to walk with me. Oreo runs ahead. Vanilla keeps walking behind me (meowing all the way) and Louis - well, he is kind of lazy. He often gives up and lays down - and rejoins us somewhere on the way back. ( Hmmmm.... does this sometimes resemble my walk with the Lord? )

Anyhow - yesterday, as I walked - I felt a need to do something. This need came from my heart. So, my eyes were open for the right place. Ah, there is was, just on the beginning of the journey to the back - as I entered the place from our yard, through to the back pasture. A big rock. The need I felt was to "build an altar" that marked my journey with the Lord. You see - some of you know that my last few weeks have been really hard hard HARD (did I say Hard?) weeks....
If you didn't know that - it's okay, but my previous posts will hint to that. I took time off from my blog and from facebooking - to just sit with God. What was He saying. I think I knew - but perhaps didn't want to acknowledge it - because then I would need to do something with it! So, God, in His wisdom and grace with me - and patience - also spoke what I thought He was saying, through the voice and sound of some of my friends voices. "Joy, I think God just wants you to rest in Him." "Joy, this is like a pregnancy, like a gestation period, and you need to take care of yourself for the birth of ministry ahead" "Joy, you have been through 7 years of ministry at your church - it makes sense that THIS TIME NOW is a true sabbatical for you." "Joy, how can you help women experience rest and renewal and refreshement if you don't experience it for yourself." and on and on and on.... I am so thankful for the way God also speaks through my family and my friends.

So - back to yesterday - I walked out - found the rock, and began to collect stones. I didn't feel that I had to make it grandiose - but that I just needed to build something small - to represent God in my life - and His faithfulness - and His love. Something also symbolic about "laying down" the rough rocks before the Lord - and talking to Him about the things that I know I need to surrender - to lay down. The things that I need to give up to Him! (being hurt by friends being one of them)

So I put some rocks on the big rock... then decided to walk to the back, my new "turning around place at the farthest end of the field) and as I was walking, I came across another big stone which I then carried back on my way back. My dog Oreo was rather confused as to why I seemed to be going back and forth. Of course he wouldn't get it - since he's a dog!! But he sensed that I needed time, and just stayed close by waiting.

I arranged these stones on top of the big stone. I stood there - talked with the Lord some more, giving Him the things that He already knew where in my thoughts and in my heart. Then I sang the song by Steve Bell. Of course only Steve can sing it the way it needs to be sung!! But, I sang. I gave God that altar - dedicated it to Him, for as long as it stands there and even longer. It was a time that my heart needed.

It was interesting yesterday when I talked with my friend Elizabeth, she said, (first of all through an email, then over the phone) that she found it very interesting that I built the altar on the back property, and that it seemed that I was giving the land to the Lord too - and she knew how I was struggling with the NON sale of the land. And, as I remember back - while I stood there talking with the Lord - I did give him back the praise for HIS timing as well - even though I do not understand, and may never! Elizabeth mentioned that this would be a blessing to the future owners as well. I have thought of who will move onto and into this homestead in the future!!

Anyhow - the altar dedication was something I felt I needed to do - and something that I have done. As I walk by it today - I will remember His faithfulness to me. As I walk beside it with Alvin - we can talk about God in our lives. As my kids walk past it - it will be a reminder. God is faithful.

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The words from the song, sung by Steve Bell - HERE BY THE WATER have taken on new meaning - even if there was not water close to this rock!!

Here by the Water
Jim Croegaert

Soft field of clover
Moon shining over the valley
Joining the song of the river
To the great giver of the great good

As it enfolds me
Somehow it holds me together
I realize I've been singing
Still it comes ringing
Clearer than clear

And here by the water
I'll build an altar to praise Him
Out of the stones that I've found here
I'll set them down here
Rough as they are

Knowing You can make them holy
Knowing You can make them holy
Knowing You can make them holy

I think how a yearning
Has kept on returning to move me
Down roads I'd never have chosen
Half the time frozen
Too numb to feel

I know it was stormy
I hope it was for me learning
Blood on the road wasn't mine though
Someone that I know
Has walked here before