Larry's reminder .... "the best is yet to come" ... "in the twinkling of an eye ..."

It has been a week since I left the very beautiful confines of Glen Eyrie and have reentered life back home.  My heart has been overflowing, and while I have been able to begin to mull over what I have tucked away in my heart, I have found for the most part, that I hit the tarmac running.  All good - but running never the less.  So it has been, that I have begun to mull over the thoughts that have bubbled out and begun to run over.  And it is good.  While we were there - we were given the gift of Monday night, when we watched Anthony Lawton do a 90 minute dramatization of C.S.Lewis' "The Great Divorce" ....  I guess it got me thinking about Heaven.  Many thoughts ...

One of those thoughts lately, since Next Step school of spiritual direction - have focused around the thought that Dr. Crabb (Larry to us :) said.  It was not a new thought, but one that struck me deeply.  He said "Never forget - the best is yet to come..... In the twinkling of an eye..."

Dr. Crabb said that the "Second Coming" seems to be de-emphasized .... that he grew up with it (he was raised Plymouth Brethren like I was) and I remember hearing my father speak on the Second Coming with a quiver in his voice.  He loved to study the last book of the Bible - Revelation.

The interesting thing is, as I had been working through reading the Bible, and had read the 1st, 2nd, 3rd John and 1st and 2nd Peter ... I mentioned the same thing to Alvin - and asked him when was the last time he had heard a sermon on the Second Coming. 

I remember in my teens, the movie "A Thief in the Night" came out.  I remember watching it at Faith Bible Camp and being shaken - and wanted to make sure that I was ready if the Lord came.  I was never a kid that got into too much trouble, but the teen years really were years that cemented my faith in the Lord Jesus Christ.  It had become "more" my own than when I gave my heart to Jesus at the age of 8.  Life does that - we grow up and our faith is cemented for us.  Our life experience grows - along with our faith.  Or at least it should.

I have come to see that we really do live in the temporal - we love deeply - we live life to the fullest - we value family and friends and church and work.  It is good.  Very very good.  And we hate to see the reality of our existence - that we are really just passing through to eternity.  I know that I think often about heaven - especially since the deaths of my parents, and in-laws, and especially when our little grandson went to Heaven before we got a chance to know him .... not to mention other family and friends that I have loved deeply.  So I feel like Heaven does not hold a scariness that others perhaps feel.  (or at least I can say that now, as I am not facing any life and death situations.)

I know that I love what I am doing - and love all that God has made me to be - and I am learning more and more about embracing life.  BUT as Larry said - NEVER FORGET THE BEST IS YET TO COME!!  It makes me stop, and say, YES ... the best really IS yet to come!

So, I will go on about my every day life.  I want to be living fully in the hear and now - embracing life with Jesus and loving it - my husband, my kids, my grandkids, my extended family and friends.  I want to live a life of purpose - that will bring honor and glory to Jesus Christ.  I want to make a difference in the life of someone else.  But I also want to live with my hands upturned and open - so that I am not clutching onto things but instead live open handed and ready.  I love this life - I am not going to lie.  But I can't help but wonder about life with Christ - and that excites me when I think of the best is still to come!!  YES.  Dr. Larry Crabb, thanks for the reminder!!

1 Corinthians 15:52

New Living Translation (NLT)

⁵² It will happen in a moment, in the blink of an eye, when the last trumpet is blown. For when the trumpet sounds, those who have died will be raised to live forever. And we who are living will also be transformed.

Chicken, Sweet Potatoes and meaningful conversation with Larry

Tonight I sat down at a table and within minutes, Larry (Dr. Crabb) and his wife also joined the table. I felt this mix of excitement and fear!! lol.  Excitement about what the conversation may be that takes place.  Fear about the same thing.  Healthy Fear (I think)

Larry (as he would rather be called) asked how our quad went this afternoon.  I shared some of that with him.  (Quad is a time spent together with 4 other people, talking about the assignment given).  After we talked about that a little I shared a bit of what I went to bed on my mind with last night.
He had revisited the topic of "conversations that matter - because they delight the Father; reveal the Son's heart, and provide opportunities for the Spirit to do what he most wants to do."  And then he asked us to think about conversations that fail to reach that bar.

My mind went immediately back to a time, while I was in leadership, that I had shared something that was very personal, and someone I worked with said something very hurtful. (this was not new for this person, but his response this time was at a time when I was very emotionally low and really hoped that someone would be there for me - if nothing else - at least to pray with me).  I had shared how I had once almost drowned physically, and now I felt like I was emotionally drowning. Later that day, my coworker felt that we should talk (I suppose) and poked his head into my office and began by telling me "those were very strong words you used" ....   the rest of the conversation I will not reveal, just suffice it to say, it went pretty downhill from there.  And no, there was no prayer either.  So this was the conversation that I remembered immediately when Larry asked us to think about a conversation that failed to reach the bar of delighting the Father, revealing the Son's heart and providing an opportunity for the Spirit to do hat he most wanted to do.

So tonight, as we ate supper, I told Larry that when I went back to my room last night, and got ready and crawled into bed, the memory of that  conversation made me feel sad again.  And then I shared how in SSD of October 09 when I was in my triad, I began to share something hard that happened to me in Kindergarten - only to stop in my tracks and I said these words, "Oh my goodness, I just realize that what I felt in kindergarten with that teacher, is the same way a co-worker made me feel often."   I told him about my "aha" moment in the middle of my conversation within my triad.

HOWEVER, I proceeded to say to him how last night, when I recalled all this, while it momentarily made me feel that pain and sadness again ~ the overriding feeling was one of seeing where God had brought me since the rawness in Oct 09 to this point, November 2013, and all that God had done in me, and with me, and yes, in spite of me in the last 4 years.  And the forgiveness, and joy, and growth.

4 years.  A lot has happened.  God has been at work.  I resigned from pastoral ministry.  We left the church that had been our home for over 30 years.  (HUGE DECISION that was made out of alot of feelings of hurt, however in retrospect, I really believe for a number of reasons that I would gladly say over coffee, but would rather not share here - I believe we would have left regardless of dealing with the pain and hurt).    And then we moved, and lost a mother to cancer, and built the ministry house, and in between those years added some grandchildren to our family.  And now, a ministry God laid on my heart in 2000 has been in operation for 7 full months.  God has been at work, and has changed our hearts, and has brought healing, and spiritual health.  He has continued to write our/my story and he still makes the hair stand up on my arms, and causes me to loose my breath at times!  God is just like that!!

Larry and I had more conversation - and towards the end of it, we talked about how my kindergarten experience and my experience with my coworker made me feel "stupid" and "less than" and how it has shaped me in such a way that I often feel like I don't have anything to offer, or I may not want to try anything, or say anything because of the fear of being called out in front of others, and made to feel stupid.  That feeling .... it is so real. And it drives my response (or no response) in certain areas.  Sometimes I wish I could tell my past coworker this, but I really don't think he would get it. That part, for his sake, is truly sad.

Larry encouraged me to think of something as I went to bed.  He had asked how my mom or dad had responded to me as a 5 year old.  I had no memory of telling them - maybe I did, maybe I didn't.  Can't remember.  Then he asked how my husband responded when I told him of my co worker's time(s) of making me feel stupid. (yes, there were several times before the one that hurt so much)  And then he said ... as you go to bed, think of what God would say to you, that would make you simply delight in his response to you.

So.... this is on my mind as I get ready for bed ... and will be no doubt as I drift off to sleep.

God, you know about my experiences with people who have made me feel stupid.  You know all about me, and how those experiences come out of a core terror.  (A core terror is a deep fear still living within that seems to require and justify that which makes us present as more together than we are)
God you know that I hate to be made to feel stupid.  And because of that, you know that it limits me in many ways - and it also makes me stifled from feeling fully alive for you!  Lord, I ask that you would work within me - and help me to hear what it is YOU want to say to me - O Lord, I want to be living a fully alive life!!  Please Lord, speak.

feeling surreal

I got on the plane yesterday morning and started my journey back to the Glen.  I met D and J at the airport and we got out car, made a pitstop at Walmart and then after getting a little lost (although we did get to travel through the Garden of the gods) we got to our final destination - Glen Eyrie.  We got our rooms and I brought my stuff down to my room, shut the door and that is when it hit.  I am back at the Glen, and in Next Step Class #5.  I have thought of it for a while, and prepared but it feels very very surreal.

I will be honest, I have come here very tired.  My life has been full, and starting out on our new ministry also has made it full.  IT'S GOOD but FULL, sometimes overflowing.  I am an introvert by nature, and I am finding it hard to figure out how to figure that out.  I love people, but I know that I need my alone time, and I especially get energized by being alone with God.  And lately, praise God, we have had many more people coming, so my life has been full with people. It somehow still seems a little bit complicated but I have great confidence that I will figure it out.

I have been tired too, and struggling with pain, so that has made it complex.  I am really really excited about the possibilities of this week - in many ways, one of them being that I have literally stepped out of the traffic (as the Message puts it) and I am waiting to see what God does because this gal is desiring all that he has for me, and I feel a little like a sponge.

Last night, in our first session, Dr. Crabb (although he likes being called Larry, somehow I find that hard lol) ... anyhow Larry said about this week ahead together that he wants "to play in the truth" ...
So Father - thank you for this most amazing setting that you have allowed me to come to again to learn and spend time with others, but mostly with you.  Thank you for this time of learning.  Lord, please enlarge my heart for all that you have for me.  Please refresh my physically weary body. Please open the eyes of my heart to learn more of your truth as I study and read the Scriptures.  Please make me teachable as I study under Dr. Crabb, so that I can use what I am learning in ministry with others.
I ask you Lord to bless my family and grandkids while we are apart.  Lord, may your will be done in my life - I am willing Lord.  Refresh this vessel, and pour into it till it is bubbling over.  May your will be done in my life.  Amen.

a word from one of my pastors - on FAITH

I love my church.  Absolutely love it, and thank God for the family of God that we worship with on Sunday mornings.  I am realizing that doing retreat ministry has changed our weekends, or especially MY weekend - a lot - and so I am just delighting in every Sunday that I get to physically sit in the pew.
Today was one of those Sundays.  (next Sunday I will be home with a retreat-er so will not be in church).

Anyhow - the sermon series is called "Essentials by Design" and this Sunday Pastor Delbert spoke on "Faith".  (Last week it was LOVE)  The scripture he used was from 1 Timothy 1: 12-16 where Paul is writing to young Timothy.  Paul talks about how God "considered me trustworthy" or other words would be "judged me" or "sized me up" AND God put Paul into serving Him!! Paul - the one who was the great persecutor of Christians - was stopped dead in his tracks - and for the very first time, with blinded eyes - he (as Delbert put it) "gets to see Jesus!"

Delbert explained the difference between "believing in God" and "faith" which is "acting upon the things you know that are true about who God is!!"  Jesus says - "Joy (insert your name instead) - have faith in me - and that the things I have done for you (going to the cross for your sin) - those things are true!!"

But Delbert also challenged us to move away from "strictly believing" and "act upon what we know!" And also to let Jesus go deeper with us!!  It is important to share our story with others - and "when you tell your story - there is an eruption of praise that comes out of you!!" (as Delbert said it)

An eruption of praise!!
Oh my goodness - what joy - what delight - what praise - all to the One who has redeemed me, and made me one of His own!  A sinner saved by grace.

Somehow - the sermon was so very simple - and yet so very profound!  I left pondering the words that I heard.

I believe that we all have a story.
But perhaps not all of our stories include Jesus Christ - redeemer - Saviour - Rock - Comforter - Counsellor - the great I AM - ....
I am so thankful Lord - that you are my Saviour - my beloved - and you love me SO much.
You have given me a story to tell - and may my life be an eruption of praise!

You Surround Me

For some reason, I was thinking tonight of a song that I loved the first time I heard it!
It is by one of my favorite musicians - Brian Doerksen and the son is called You Surround Me.

Lately, there has been a lot on my/our plate.  

It seems that since January 1 of this year - there has been a lot on everyone's plate.

A buffet of emotions for us to chew on ...

A plate overflowing most of the time.

There has been tons of good stuff

But there has been tons of hard stuff.

Really HARD stuff.

Lately we have been praying hard - for many things

And we have seen God answer in some amazing ways.

But we have also seen people and friends going through some really really tough times

So I am reminded again - YOU O Lord, YOU SURROUND ME!!

You will never let me go

I can't live my life without You

oh such beautiful words

such a timely beautiful reminder

I am glad that I am listening to this song just now - as I get ready to get to sleep

The words can resonate in my being while I fall asleep ... (I especially like the Gaelic)

You

Surround

Me!!

The words go like this:

You surround meYou indwell meYou're beside meEver present always nearYou're the whisperCalling my name gentlyLove eternalReaching to me jealous for me

(Chorus)I will stay with You foreverArm in arm we'll walk togetherYou will never let me goI can't live my life without YouMy whole will to live is for YouYou've awakened me to know

I can't live my life without YouI can't live my life without YouI can't live my life without You

there is just so much .... so.very.much.

we likely could all say this at one time or another

I feel like I am eating my own words these days, as I look around me and see so much pain
well maybe not eating my own words, but definitely putting my own words to the test
(having just delivered a sermon a couple weeks ago on suffering and pain)
there is just so much
so much suffering
so much cancer
O Lord ... there is just so much.
so
very
much

"I am with you"

Yes Lord, I know that
But sometimes, just sometimes, I wish I could see you
and I wish I could talk to you - face to face
I wish I could see your eyes!!
I wish I could ask you the hard questions that just always seem to rise to the surface
You know Lord ...
all those "why God" questions
that there are no answers for ...
at least not on this side of heaven
and I have a feeling when I see you in heaven - my questions won't mean a thing any more!

"Trust Me"
Lord.  I do.
Or at least I THINK I do.
It really is called "blind trust"
because I am choosing to trust - even when I can't see
I am choosing to trust - even when it looks dark
I am choosing to trust ~ even when it feels like there is no good answer coming
I am choosing to trust - because I know that you are GOD and YOU are in control!

"Do you believe it though?"
Of course God - of course I believe you are in control
Of course I know I need to trust you with all my heart
Of course I believe!!
But well, sometimes God - I feel like I am going through motions
And I hear my words coming out but sometimes I feel like my heart is trying to catch up
But I do believe
O Lord, help my unbelief at times!
O Lord, strengthen my faith!

"Will you trust me in the dark too?"
Lord, I think I have trusted you in the dark
I called it the dark night of the soul
It was so dark - so incredibly black.
I trusted you because well, because I felt like I had nothing else!!
Nothing but you!!
YOU ARE ALL I NEED
I know that.
You are truth, and life
beginning and end
rock, shelter, refuge, provider,
creator, guide, shield, King, judge,
Almighty, beautiful Saviour, the Door, Eternal One,
faithful and true, the Good Shepherd,
I know that you are just and good, that you are loving and kind
that you are merciful and near to the brokenhearted
I know that you are the RISEN LORD, and that you alone are GOD!!
So yes Lord, I will trust you - even in the dark.

"Then give me you family.  Give me your friends.  Give me your journey...
Entrust each one you love, each one you are praying for ... along with your own life...
Entrust it all into my care!!"
Lord, there is so much - like I said - with cancer alone, it feels like there are so many suffering
(trust me)
I wake up at night - and think of them - and pray
(trust me)
Sometimes I feel like I have my kids, my grandkids clutched tightly in my hands
(give them to me completely - trust me!)
And my friends ... O God, there is just so much!
I see their facebook status, I talk with some on the phone
I hear about them through mutual friends
(trust me)
O Lord - help me to lift them before your throne

"And you too!!!  I am here - give me your stuff too"
Yes Lord, I am just feeling a little out of sync
A little tired - and in need of some good quiet time with you
Feeling a little overwhelmed with how full life is at times
And with the pain around me
It just seems deep and like a surrounding circle
It just seems like so very much...
that I just seem too tired to even talk out loud to you...
I am so glad Holy Spirit that you are living within me - and you speak -
with groans that can not be expressed in words ...

hmmm... maybe that is what I can hear if I am really really quiet!
just before I fall asleep
I am so glad Lord - that you are here for me - always
and you... you never slumber or sleep!!
I love you.

This is the scripture that just came to mind - it is one of my favourites!!  This is about my/our God!!

Psalm 121

A song of ascents.

¹ I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
    where does my help come from?
² My help comes from the Lord,
    the Maker of heaven and earth.

³ He will not let your foot slip—
    he who watches over you will not slumber;
⁴ indeed, he who watches over Israel
    will neither slumber nor sleep.

⁵ The Lord watches over you—
    the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
⁶ the sun will not harm you by day,
    nor the moon by night.

⁷ The Lord will keep you from all harm—
    he will watch over your life;
⁸ the Lord will watch over your coming and going
    both now and forevermore.

the sermon

It feels like it has been forever - and well, I guess it has been a couple weeks.  My thoughts have been tied up in sermon prep for a sermon that I presented today, at our home church (Eastview Community Church).  It was a sermon on When Life Hands You Lemons - or "living well when life isn't" ...
or the bottom line - it was a sermon on pain and suffering.

I struggled through sermon prep.  Now, I love the prep part as there is always something that I learn when God has me preparing a sermon.  I cut and paste, cut and paste... add something here - delete - save - print - read it out loud - and on and on.  However it was right around Tuesday of last week - that God made it clear, that the sermon was done - and now I just needed to read it out loud a few times, so that it would flow well on delivery day.

Delivery Day - it was last Sunday - and in both services.

I get asked often - "do you get nervous?"  I do get nervous.  Actually pretty nervous.  However, I also think that if I didn't - then I would be doing it in my own strength - now in God's.  Usually after the first few lines - I feel like God just unfolds it.  And then - it is done.

I was very conscious last Sunday - of the pain within our circle - within our congregation at large - and within our friendships - and as I shared last Sunday - it is so obvious - that life is NOT an easy stroll - but instead - it is hard work. That Jesus never promised our life following him would be easy - NO - he told his disciples in John 16:33 - that in the world there would be troubles but that He has overcome the world!!

Our church it seems, has gone through hard stuff - pain and loss - since the new year.  On Sunday - I was VERY aware of pain and suffering within the congregation as I saw tears flowing after.
I also feel like we have - within our little family - the pain and loss - losing my sweet friend Audrey, and then my oldest niece within weeks later.  Lately, I have been struggling with some physical suffering - with the same old fibromyalgia issues.  My sister has been having some health issues - and my close friend is waiting to go through chemotherapy after a double mastectomy.  And then add to that - hearing about friends from school who are battling their own cancer fights ...

Looking at the pain and suffering - could paralyze us couldn't it.  Sometimes it seems like even cancer alone - is crowding into our inner circles - and it is just plain ugly.  And I have come to realize that there are times when I can become very consumed with my own pain that I can get into my own little pity party quite nicely - and well that isn't good for me or anybody.

The year that we lost our little Jay - I had begun the year - as I do EVERY YEAR in my journal - with giving it to God - from January 1 to December 31st - every single day.  Of course we don't know what the year will hold - we found that out in 2008 when the year looked like it was packed full of celebration!  (no one ever thought of our little grandson's silent birth would be part of our year) Thing is - this is how we live - in really - blind trust - taking one step and then another - sometimes trying to plan - sometimes flying by the seat of our pants.  But all along - we are walking a journey with Jesus leading/walking with us/carrying us/rejoicing over us/singing over us/delighting in us ...  Jesus must be the main part of our days!!  Keeping our eyes FIXED on Jesus - oh YES!!

ANYHOW ... those are some of my thoughts - some of you had asked about the sermon - and if you want - you can go to our church's website and click on the link and listen/watch for yourself.
www.eastview.org