This Granny is doing it … baby steps - one day at a time (with God's help)

I struggle a lot with my weight.  It makes me feel awful.  It has robbed me of great joy.  I remember once when I was down on myself, my daughter told me to stop calling myself a loser.  That was an eye opener - and a wake up call.  It also made me very sad.  Years have passed since then.  My struggle is still my struggle and I figure it always will be in one form or another.  Lets face it - we all have our stuff.  Some of us just "wear" it more visibly.   My weight has been one of those things - and over and over again, especially in the last few years, I have seen how my spiritual health is strongly connected to the other parts of me - mental, BIG TIME emotional connection, and HUGE physical connection.  It is all intertwined in this hard to explain way.  Until I realized as I was reading a devotional … (not like it was a new thought, but it just struck me new) that God made me this way - he made me to be intertwined in all areas of my whole being.  He made me to be dependent on HIM but I have taken that, and instead depended on whatever was close enough to eat in times of stress, or sadness, or depression … you name it, I ate my way through it.  I have come a long way - although it is only in the past six months that I think it is finally sinking in and "clicking" in my being.  SO I am on a journey here too - or still - I know some of you who know me will say, "ya, one more thing Joy"  "I will believe it when I see it"  or "we will give you a few months and it will be back to the same old."  I guess by putting it out there as a POST … I am making myself at risk for all those things to be said, IF I regress - but well, part of the whole thing is being vulnerable and admitting that this IS a struggle.  EMOTIONAL EATING is a real thing for me - and for many.  And I want it to stop.  I want to change.  I want to get healthy.  I want to cut my risks.  I want to most of all - be able to run and play for many years, Lord willing, with my grandchildren.   I don't want to be an old lady before my time!  SO … I am moving ahead - one day at a time - with God as my strength - and with friends who are there for me as cheerleaders AND also some as accountability partners (you know who you guys are).    I am onto it - and this time, O Lord - help me to get healthy and stay there!!  I know with God's help - this Granny is doing it - perhaps just baby steps, but one day at a time!!

 I wrote more about what I am doing - but that is a different post, on a different blog, if you really want to read it.    www.thisgrannycan.blogspot.ca

My ONE WORD for 2014: ABANDON

“I have one desire now - to live a life of reckless abandon for the Lord, putting all my energy and strength into it.” 

― Elisabeth Elliot, Through Gates of Splendor

A couple weeks ago, at care group, we watched a DVD.  The website is called www.myoneword.org
and it is about choosing ONE WORD for your life.  The instructions are this:

• determine the kind of person you want to become by the end of the year - you must drive deep into your soul.  What about the condition of your heart?  Who is the person that God has created you to be?
• identify characteristics of that person - get a picture and simply identify major characterists.  What are the qualities?
• list the characteristics and then pick a word.  Commit to it.
• pick a verse to go with your word (this was added, I am not sure it is on the website as a point to do, but it was part of our homework)

So last Saturday night, I got to writing in my journal - and thinking about my "one word" for my life - for the woman that I want to be by the end of the year - only by the grace of God I might add - because without HIM, I can be nothing!!

Here is what I wrote, and what I am choosing to share with you.  

I want to become a woman who lives fully for Jesus - embracing all that he has for me!! I want to become more deliberate in my faith, and more intentional in my being Jesus hands and feet to others.  I want to fall in love more and more with Jesus - getting to know the lover of my soul in an intimate way - and to fall madly in love with the Lord.  I want to live fully and embrace life fully - to "go big or go home"

What is the picture of a woman like that?  She would be content in her demeanour, loving, fun and passionate.  She would be kind in words and actions, a teacher of the truth, inviting, with an exuberant faith.  She would have an obvious love for Jesus, and would live all out and fully, with a wild abandonment to the ONE love of her soul - Jesus Christ.  She would embrace life, and would not live with complacency or status quo, but would be willing and open to what God is calling her too.  She would perhaps feel a timidity but at the same time live with adventure even when God's way for her is not clearly seen.  She would be ruined for the ordinary, and would live hopefully so that the devil knows he has no foothold in any part of her life!  She would live  with abandon to self and given fully and totally abandoned to Jesus Christ!

Words to describe: LOVING ~  FUN ~  DELIBERATE ~  INTENTIONAL ~  INTIMATE ~  MADLY IN LOVE ~ CONTENT BUT NOT COMPLACENT ~ EMBRACING LIFE ~ TEACHER ~ INVITING ~ ADVENTURE ~ RUINED FOR ORDINARY ~ ABANDON

I WANT THIS TO BE ME!!!  

MY ONE WORD:  ABANDON

Abandon means:  to give up completely (course of action, practice or way of thinking)  synonym: relinquish; complete lack of inhibition or restraint, synonym: uninhibitedness, recklessness, wildness, lack of inhibition.

Verses to live by, on my way to becoming a woman that lives a life of total abandon to Jesus:

Mark 8:34-37

The Message (MSG)

34-37 Calling the crowd to join his disciples, he said, “Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You’re not in the driver’s seat; I am. Don’t run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I’ll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to saving yourself, your true self. What good would it do to get everything you want and lose you, the real you? What could you ever trade your soul for?

or from NIV translation: 

Mark 8:34-35

New International Version (NIV)

The Way of the Cross

34 Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. 35 For whoever wants to save their life[a] will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me and for the gospel will save it.

O Lord - help me to become a woman of total abandon from self and to total abandon to you Jesus!!  ONLY YOU.  Grow me - so that I live a life true to the motto:  "Go big or go home"  and one day Lord, the best is yet to come - and I want to GO BIG for YOU - right until you call me home!!  Amen.

so let my words be few

This morning I am just delighting in the love of my Lord.  Can't explain it, but I just feel it.  His closeness.  His presence.  His love.

I have been thinking of that a lot lately - about HIS love for me.  WOW.  It is quite something.  But often I don't think I even grasp a tad of it!  It is just that big.  Sometimes in my own moods (yep, ask my husband, I have them!!) I sometimes just try carrying on and don't give the Lord the time and position in my life.  I just sometimes do thing in my own strength.  (relate to this?)

But this morning, as I have retreaters here, I am unable to sit in the pews at our church.  But down in our suite, I had a SWEET time with HIM.  Like I said - words can not express it.  And sometimes, that is okay ... but it made me think of a song which can!

time ~ my friend, and my worst enemy

helping my dad

playing outside - lived at 1190 Inkster Blvd.

With my siblings (1997)
(as you look at the picture:  Brian, Mary-Ann, Tim, Heather and me)

me and my girls, Ashley and Leah (2009)

Oh my, where does time go? (this was what I wrote in my journal the morning of my son's 32nd birthday)

Time ~
You are my friend and my worst enemy.
You grow me, mature me, bring wisdom
But you also make me feel old!
You speed by - a blurr of days...
And other times - drag along, like a wounded snail.

Time ~
You've made me who I am
     by giving me more teachable moments than I could count
     more laughter than at times I thought I could handle
     more tears than at times I could wipe
     more conversations that made me depend on God.

Time ~
you've brought strength,
wisdom,
and joy in my life.
You are my friend.

But, you've also been my worst enemy,
as you've brought
     unexpected pain - strong enough to literally bring me to my knees in sorrow
     unexpected and unwanted loss -
     lives taken before their maturity
     my grandson
     my friends
     my niece
Young, but taken
Time ordained by God.

Time ~
you've been my worst enemy
as my body ages
     and NOT so gracefully I may add!
All of it losing its shape to your effects of time passing
day upon weeks
upon months
upon years

Time ~
best friend
worst enemy
And yet, it's all the middle part to an eternal story
A middle part of continual loving and learning
of going and growing
of becoming and being

Time ~
a combo of who I was
who I am
and who I will become

Time ~
my friend
my enemy
my life, my time
"ordained by (MY) God, before even one day came to be."

Time
you are actually all in all
my friend.

Firstborn

Since we were in Mexico last week, I did not post anything last week.  So here it is today - belated, but nothing changed, except I love my kids even more than I did a week ago!!  

My son.
My firstborn.
You came into the world early, on the coldest day of that year.
But you warmed our hearts with this indescribable love
We knew it was going to happen
But didn't realize how much we would be smitten
You grew and grew and grew
You had a zest for life - one that I see in your own kids now
So much in fact that sometimes I think my mouth is hanging open as I watch them play
You loved everything about life
You loved to read (which is still something you do alot of)
You loved to perform (hmmmm... where did that come from)
I remember your first performance as Santa Claus in your school program.
You loved to make people laugh
And we noticed that whenever you would attempt to do this whether it was to tell a joke or anything that would make us laugh, your eyes would water.
I think that still happens.
I watched you grow.
I loved hearing you tell me how much you loved me.
I picked you up when you fell
I encouraged you as you grew
I sang you songs as I rocked you (some of the same songs I have sung to your kids)
I tickled your back, and told you stories
I made your teddy bear "Ricky Klassen" come to life
And mailed him to you when you lived in Brandon and went to fire school
Sure, there were some hard times
Doesn't every kid grow into their teens and become adults forged out of the "forming years"
Sometimes I didn't agree with what you did
But you always always knew I loved you regardless
Because you see my firstborn, my son - I loved you with a love that is quite unique between a mom and her child.
And I think the mother/son relationship is unique just as a mother/daughter relationship is also.
You have grown...
Matured
Fallen in love and married the love of you life.
You have grown and matured more
Followed God with an insatiable thirst
You have taught me alot about following Him.
You are a husband, and a daddy to some sweet kids.
You are a brother and a son
You are a co-worker who is dependable and hardworking
You are a friend who is loyal and trustworthy
You are YOU ...
And I say to you my son, my firstborn -
From the day we found out we were expecting -
To the day we held you in our arms
To the day I had the privilege of hearing you give your heart to Jesus
To the day I saw you walk down the aisle with Leah
To the day we knew you were going to be a dad
Through the deepest sorrow, through the greatest joy
Through the sleepless nights (that are not over yet for you and L)
Through each season of your and my life ...
I just want you to know dear Son
This momma loves you!!
More than you will ever know.
Happy Birthday Son.

unexpected visits - changed plans - hard but good conversation

It was a drop in visit.  I knew it may happen, and I had the birthday card ready to give.  My overnight retreater had left just a mere hour before the knock on the door.  I greeted him.  A hug.  A hello.  A "come in and have supper with us, I am just making it" comment as I proceeded back to the kitchen.  A quick supper.  Simple.  Pizza perogies and garlic sausages fried to perfection.  (if sausages can ever be perfect!! lol)  Not the typical birthday supper, but a hearty one, and a welcome one.  I really was glad to see him.

Good conversation.  Some pauses as each of us likely was thinking of the next thing to say.  Sometimes our conversation is like that.  That is just how it is when you have not only gaps in conversation, but gaps in our lives where one did not fit into the other's life.  Not by choosing to ignore the other, but by the consequences that follow bad choices that lead to addictive lifestyle.  Lifestyle that takes down everything good.  Family.  Friends.  Jobs.  Health.  Home.  Finances.  Relationships everywhere - disintegrated, destroyed, thrown aside for the sake of the next drink, or the next fix.  But then in a moment of desperation that came while living on the street - a moment of clarity so real that he decided that he needed to get help.  I remember that phone call.  The "I don't want to die on the street" acknowledgement said to me over the phone a few years ago.

Years have passed, and the addictive behaviours still have their icy grip on him.  Some would think that when a person has given their heart to the Lord, all those things would vanish.  I know people have told him as much. He loves the Lord. But the addictions are strong. (I don't know those addictions, but I do know the addictiveness of food and my struggle with eating right and losing weight, so I can only imagine in part the struggle with his addictions.)

Today he looks good. Very very good actually.   Today I would go as far as thinking it has been a long time since taking part in the life sapping mix.  Perhaps he just looks better.  Perhaps he has not partaken in a while.  Perhaps I am just trying to convince myself that he is doing better.  However, I believe he is.  He sounds like he is.  Although I know it is one day, actually one hour at a time I am sure.

With my husband having to leave to go to a meeting, my guest and I go and sit in the living room.  The dishes and the clean-up can wait.  My heart is happy, that he has landed a job outside of the city.  He is just in today, on his birthday and with the blessing of his new boss, to tie up a few loose ends in the city.  We had something for him, for his job which is why I knew he would be by our place.  The job is truly a gift from God for him.  He believes that, and so do I.  God does give us gifts.  He is happy.  He tells me more about his job.  But the conversation goes from one thing to another, and soon we are talking about his life as a child.  As a child that, along with his other siblings (many) they are abandoned.  Some put in foster care.  Some adopted. He experienced both.  I can't imagine how hard it must have been.  I can't help but think the worst about his parents - who abandoned him, but then came back in his life for a while, assuming they could just pick up where they left off.  Oh were they wrong.

He told me what came along with finding his bio parents.  Things like finding out that "aunts" and "uncles" are involved in lives of addiction and some really bad lifestyle choices, some extended family even involved in dealing drugs.  He talked about the emotional gut wrenching stuff that came with finding them, and the tough part about even thinking of his past now. The reasons he lets those sleeping dogs lie.  (or sleeping relatives he has chosen to disassociate from pretty much right when he found them.)  It would be ever so easy to blame his addictions on his parents.  Ever so easy.  Seriously what parent abandons their child.  But then again, knowing the family that adopted him, while not at all perfect in any way, they offered stability, and love, and a christian home and family.  Plain and simple.  Things he did not get growing up in those first five years of his life, or in the foster homes where he was put in a closet and beat up often, and starved.  He said his bio mom thought he was the lucky one.  I would call it God's intervention in his life.   My heart aches.

We talked for a few hours.  Honesty.  Tears.  Pain.  I felt his pain actually.  My heart ached several times.

We talked about not only his early family abandoning him but how the consequences of his addictions caused a chasm in his family life now.  Actually no family life really.  Just memories of what was there in the happiest of times for him, and what he is missing out on, and what he wishes there was.  My heart ... oh my heart.  It feels raw.  At times I wonder if I should have asked some of those questions.  And yet he talks, and talks and talks.  I feel like they were God-ordained moments.  I also feel like I was supposed to be in that chair, at that time, with that person... listening, talking, watching.  I encourage him to write letters to his kids, so that at some time they hear part of his heart too.

A few hours later, the wind has whipped up.  A discussion about street life, and about Union Gospel Mission, and about Siloam.  Missions.  A bed for the night.  A safe place.  A "family" that he knows well.  And ... a Breakfast in the morning.  Not that he is homeless now, he does have a suite that came with his new job out of town, but where do you go when you are homeless in the city and new to a job out of town close to the west Manitoba border, and in the city and ready to go to bed?

He talked about being thankful.  He talked about what he has learned.  He talked about God in his life in the midst of the hardest things like being a dad but not being in his kids lives, about broken marriage.   About failure.  I asked if that was how he felt, and he said yes.  He said that all of it, as hard as it was and is, made him lean into God and grab onto Him because he literally had nothing BUT God.  He talked about answered prayers, again, including his recent job hire.  (I can't help but pray, O Lord, help him not to lose this one, it seems so good).  And then looking at the time, decides he needs to get going, It is warm out, and the doors would almost be about to open for patrons to come in for the beds at Siloam.  And I knew I needed to say, "do you want to stay with us for night?"

And my heart stilled.  It felt like "yes, I thought you would never ask him."  He looked at me, and said with a smile, "sure, but I don't want to put you out."  To which I said that he wasn't.

You see for a very long time, I have been asking God - "Lord, what do you want me to do?  How do I help this person?"  It is very easy to help the homeless when they are not connected to you through family ties of any kind.  It is also very easy to help someone who is struggling when you can hand them a five dollar bill, or a cup of coffee or a meal.  It is much easier when it feels like you are not being put out of your comfort zone.  But let me tell you, tonight, when I uttered those words, there was life.
Life for him.  Life for me.  God is at work in this heart of mine.  I may not always be able to provide a bed on a cold night for someone I love even though sometimes they seem so far from us.  But tonight I could, and I am.  As I type, the table is set for breakfast in the morning.  Alvin, he and I.  As I type, the place is quiet as he is fast asleep, on flannel sheets that are cosy and freshly laundered.  As I type, I am hoping he feels the peace of this place - as only God can give it.  And, as he sleeps, I hope my brother knows how much this sister loves him.  Because I do, and it is all because of the grace and love of God.


Goodnight dear brother - sleep tight.  Oh, and Happy Birthday.  I love you.

Disarming the powers and authorities!! Turn your eyes upon Jesus

Colossians 2:11-15

The Message (MSG)

^11-15 Entering into this fullness is not omething you figure out or achieve. It’s not a matter of being circumcised or keeping a long list of laws. No, you’re already in—insiders—not through some secretive initiation rite but rather through what Christ has already gone through for you, destroying the power of sin. If it’s an initiation ritual you’re after, you’ve already been through it by submitting to baptism. Going under the water was a burial of your old life; coming up out of it was a resurrection, God raising you from the dead as he did Christ. When you were stuck in your old sin-dead life, you were incapable of responding to God. God brought you alive—right along with Christ! Think of it! All sins forgiven, the slate wiped clean, that old arrest warrant canceled and nailed to Christ’s cross. He stripped all the spiritual tyrants in the universe of their sham authority at the Cross and marched them naked through the streets.


Today we had the second sermon in our sermon series, and Pastor Dave spoke again today.  Once again, I was struck by something that was not new, however the simplicity of it spoke to me once again.  It began first of all with Dave talking about offering up a "new habit" this year - afterall - a new year = new habits right?  Well, he encouraged us to start a "habit of thankfulness" because that will change us, and thanksgiving has a way of "disarming us", "refocuses us" and helps us gain a "new perspective".  Not only that, but Dave reminded us that thanksgiving marks a Christ follower.  (hmmm when have I thanked God lately?) This in itself reminds me of a saying I saw on a pillow that sad something like this "Imagine if tomorrow you got only what you thanked God for today".   I think we would all be quite surprised.

The other thing that spoke loudly to me today was when Dave talked about being IN Christ.  About him being the focus!  Rather than us just ranting and raving to him about things, and wanting him to figure out our junk, but instead "losing your life in Christ".  

Dave then talked about Paul using the words from Colossians 2: 15 

This is the second time within a week that I have heard that verse - about Jesus "disarming the rulers and authorities.  Dave explained how in those days - when a nation was victoriaous in battle, they would parade through the street with great fanfare - parading the goods, riches that they were not brining back, and then parading any captives, and sometimes, brining the defeated and captured King through the streets, beaten, tied or chained, and then put him in the centre court and usually kill him.  Those who won the battle knew how to "disarm" the defeated, and made great deal of it.  

Here was Jesus.  Jesus and the CROSS.  The cross, a symbol that is not at all glorious but instead a symbol of torture and death.  And yet, Jesus conquered the cross - and  as the Scripture says again, ¹⁵ And having disarmed the powers and authorities, he made a public spectacle of them, triumphing over them by the cross.^[e]

He disarmed them alright (BIG UNDERSTATEMENT!!) He made the cross VICTORIOUS because He died on it for our sins, but He conquered the cross, death and the grave and rose triumphant - and lives forever more.  And because of this - what He did for US (you and I, regardless of our sin) WE CAN BE VICTORIOUS IN HIM!! As the Message said you are already IN because of what He did for us.  I guess my question to you is this - are you IN Christ?  Have you given your life to him?  So simple - but something Jesus does not push on us - but waits for us to turn our eyes and our hearts to him, and invite him in. 

Dave ended with a song that I often sing when I am alone.  It is a song I grew up with - kind of like a "staple" you know!!  It is called TURN YOUR EYES UPON JESUS.  

Listen to it.  Simple, but profound.
Turn your eyes upon Jesus/Look full in his wonderful face/ and the things of earth will grow strangely dim/In the light of His glory and grace!